Evelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter
If you are or have been in a relationship 
with a narcissist or were raised by or among one or more, you have been traumatized by and suffered what I believe is the worst psychological and emotional abuse imaginable. The harm is immeasurable and can go on for years.
You will read over and over and over again how “no contact” is critical to your healing from the trauma and for you rebuild your destroyed self-esteem and self-worth and, for some, your broken bank accounts.
And I agree…totally. Fortunately, some of mine (yes, a herd) live far away and make it a bit easier for me.
But what about the one or ones who are not far away? What about those you have to see on a periodic or more frequent basis? What about those we must be around or those we work with and see or speak with daily or every other day or even weekly? What about those we may be in court with, at graduation, a school ceremony, or maybe even a wedding?
How do we manage those interactions? How do we make them tolerable? Should we?
I remembered at the beginning of my healing even after years of study wondering (I analyze all the time), “Can you have a workable relationship with a narcissist?”
The answer is an unequivocal, YES.
Sam Vaknin, a pathological narcissist amongst other things, and a renowned expert on narcissism, stated that you could if you learned how to manipulate him or her or them. If Sam, a self proclaimed narcissist and expert whom I respect very much said so then it must be so. After all, I have a professional relationship with Sam. Since Sam is brilliant, extremely analytical and detailed, and based on my reading thousands of pages he (and others) have written on pathological narcissism, I can only surmise he does not know exactly how. Sam does provide excellent pointers (with a narcissist’s bias) on how to deal with them but did not provide specific “how” to tips. After all, how often would a narcissist manipulate another narcissist, right? It is possible but not probable.
So I embarked on my own mission to figure out “how do I outsmart a narcissist” and here is what I discovered:
“Use them to your advantage as they use you.”
Let’s break this down a bit further.
If narcissists need adulation and attention and feed off of our energy and we know what makes them tick, why not give them what they need in selective and effective doses if and only if it benefits you or your children.
Give them a dose of their own medicine with a spoonful of sugar!
The key here is only if it benefits you and only if you are comfortable and secure in your sense of personal power.
And if you are, then, use your compassion and emotional intelligence that made you a target of a narcissist now to manipulate them as they did us and to balance out the power, to level the playing field, per se. Use your regained personal power to tip the scales in your favor and to turn the parasite host relationship into a mutually beneficial one and one that will minimize and prevent further harm to you and your children.
Oh, the narcissist will make all attempts to take something from you, no doubt. They need to in order to survive. It is their given purpose like it is a mosquito’s purpose to buzz around and annoy you. So the goal here is to minimize the harm to you and your children using psychological narc repellant.
One thing for sure, you cannot accomplish this goal by seeking revenge on them or trying to ruin him or her or his or her reputation.
I would like to caution everyone that doing this is not advisable and probably not going to be very effective in your early stages of healing when your self-power and self-esteem are diminished and no contact is absolutely necessary to ensure your well-being. This also takes strong self-resolve, focus, and discipline and good “acting” skills. While these are honed over time, you can, nevertheless, start learning and practicing them immediately. At this point strong advocacy by someone experienced in narcissism and
narcissistic abuse recovery may be warranted and can be very useful to take some of the burden off of you, minimize your contact with the narcissist, and allow you to focus on
your healing. Remember, we should never participate in an interaction that will put us or our children in harm’s way. Seek police or legal or professional action for protection immediately.
So here are eight quick and effective strategies you can use to manipulate a narcissist and help minimize the harm they inflict on you. Note, however, that the narcissists benefit as well. These suggestions are mutually beneficially and are designed to balance power and minimize and prevent further harm to you and your children. That is the key objective here.
- Be strategic, not revengeful.
Establish clear goals with the strongest emphasis on your long term vision of emotional freedom and health rather than short term material gains, revenge, and ego satisfaction. Money and material possessions are not an indicator of success or healthy self-esteem and can be regained and earned quicker that your emotional health can heal. Money can be a powerful motivator in the interim but may do more harm longer term if it keeps you trapped and emotionally unhealthy and suffering. Be clear that your motives during “required” interactions be based solely on what benefits you and your children and supports your emotional healing into the future.
Narcissists are aggressive but very predictable and you can use this to develop offensive strategies to achieve your goals and minimize harm from them. Your choice of divorce or to stop providing narcissistic supply will instill his or her wrath and they will fight to the death to win and defend their fear of shame from you exposing the truth about who they really are to those who know them and even those who do not in the courtroom. So he or she will not hesitate to destroy you and your reputation and lie about you and recruit his flying monkeys to lie about you in court. Expect this and be prepared. Stay calm and focused on long-term emotional freedom and your children’s well-being, not short term self-satisfaction and retaliation.
Retaliation and benefit are not synonymous. Do not seek revenge or ever “go after” a narcissist, or anyone for that matter. Narcissists are energy vampires and feed off of your negative energies which keeps them on the offensive and in combat mode to defeat you. Going after them can keep you stuck, as well, in reactive victimhood mentality mode that feeds your ego-based need for revenge and retaliation rather than your long-term emotional freedom and health. Revenge, in effect, directs your feeling of powerlessness to your abuser and transfers your power to him or her, power they continue to use against you and your children. The best type of revenge is your and your children’s personal and emotional healing. As you heal, your children will heal through you.
- Use your compassion and emotional intelligence to your advantage.
Play off a narcissist’s predictable and (yawn), yes, boring, reactions and moods. Use this knowledge to fuel your strength and develop offensive strategies. You know them better than they know themselves. Gauge their moods and meter your actions accordingly. Be careful not to overdo it. Act commensurate with what you want to achieve. Be creative. Think out of the box.
Rather than trigger their fears and aggressive offensive actions, focus on creating an illusion that the narcissist is winning. If he aggressively goes after you, do not react aggressively. Remain calm and be soothing instead. Choose your battles carefully and be willing to lose a battle to win the war. If he or she wants the furniture, for example, keep a few pieces for yourself and not only give them the rest, tell them they deserve it. No harm done, you have fed their depraved need to win, and increased the chances they will back off and moved closer to the finish line. In the mean time, make a plan to redecorate and buy that awesome furniture you want and deserve.
- Only interact with them on days that things are going their way.
This is when they are the most malleable. Otherwise have no contact with them. Remember that you will always be their narcissistic supply and on their off days, they will shadow their wrath on you like they did in the past. The objective is to take actions that benefit you, not cause you further harm and that keep you on the healing track with your eye on the finish line, your emotional freedom.
- Avoid a battle including court at all costs.
Don’t do just what your attorney or friend tells you to do to maximize your partner’s losses for your or their personal gain and to get even. Never take punitive actions or actions that “appear” punitive. Narcissists are predictable but complex and hate to lose and to be challenged, ashamed, exposed, or criticized and will fight to the death to avoid any. Never ever ever let them see you sweat or show emotions that they can construe to the court as your emotional imbalance and inability to be an effective parent. Play nice in the sand box to tip the scales in your favor. Remember your goal and keep your eye on the prize. Be creative.
A gutsy friend told her ex that legally having joint custody would be a burden on him that he did not deserve and that he could see his son whenever he wanted. This was true and she ended up with full legal custody which was in her son’s best interest. She never prevented him from seeing him which turned out to be a few visits anyway and he backed off since he perceived he had already won the battle.
Give something up periodically to provide an illusion that the narcissist won rather
than challenge them to provide a strategic upper hand.
Narcissists have aggressive personalities and have to win at all costs. If they lose, you must lose. If they win, you must lose.
But you can make the situation appear as if only he won when in reality it is a “win-win” by using strategic tactics. I know people who waived hundreds of thousands of dollars of child support since money was the narcissist’s sore spot and would keep them connected to something they needed to move away from. This leveled the playing field and minimized the conflict to them and their children. The narcissists backed off. They took action that supported their goal for emotional freedom rather than revenge or personal gain. Remember to be able to see the forest through the trees you have to keep looking for and seeking the forest. Remember to keep your eye on the finish line.
- Pay them compliments or give them a present.
This will feed their need for attention and adulation. Even if you are in divorce or custody proceedings, they will never pass up on a compliment that they were the best at this or that. Tell them they look great, are an expert, are the smartest or whatever pushes their egotistic buttons. Be creative. Perhaps, even cook them their favorite meal or cookies. Remember that while you may believe some of this, you are insincerely paying compliments. Do this sporadically and intermittently only if you need to. Remember the elemental word here is your self-benefit not your self-sacrifice.
- Agree with them even if you don’t.
This “appearance” will feed their need to be right and to win. You will know the truth but he or she won’t and it won’t matter. If your conscience makes it hard for you to actively agree, then respond neutrally such as “Geeze, that is interesting. I never heard it put that way before.” Or just nod and say “ohhhh” or “I get it.”
- Apologize if you feel you have to in order to get what you want even if you don’t have any remorse.
Even better, tell them you made a mistake and should have listened to them. Again, this “appearance” will play up on their need to diminish and denigrate and their need for adulation and to win.
I hope you find these tips useful.
Remember:
You are not powerless to these creeps and can use your compassion and emotional intelligence that made you a target of a narcissist to turn a harmful power imbalanced relationship into a more power-balanced one that minimizes and prevents further harm to you and your children.
Yourlifelifter 
This is article is helpful, and validates what I’ve been thinking. I am in a situation I haven’t heard described. My sister in law has many narcissistic qualities, and her husband is similar but much, much worse. He can be physically violent and has substance abuse issues. She is currently pregnant. I am deeply concerned about the welfare of this child. I am hoping to provide free child care as a way of having quality, healthy time with the child. Given their situation, I think this will be very hard for them to turn down. I want to position myself as a helpful but not interesting person, providing things she wants that don’t cost me much emotionally, and maintaining boundaries that I need. She has a long history of turning caregiving responsibilities over to family members who function as enablers, so I’m hoping this pattern will be familiar and work for her. I’ve heard that if children have one solid, loving adult in their life, the outcomes are much, much better. I think this is going to be a hard road to walk, but worth it.
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I understand the predicament. My immediate reaction is that this not YOUR predicament and it is not your responsibility to solve. My gut is telling me that ethic issues come into play that I am VERY familiar with. Period. You are put on this earth to be you, find meaning, love and find connections that best serve YOU. No one else. Read my article on What You Don’t Know About Dysfunctional Families. We, the compassionate ones with resilience, are taught to be rescuers in dysfunctional families and to neglect our own needs. It is NOT healthy and reflects severe violation of personal boundaries and violation of rules of mutual respect supporting healthy emotional development. Should you stop caring? Of course not but YOUR self-care comes first including turning your compassion inward and learning to use it responsibly not to rescue and enable others. Personally, I would not get involved in ANY chaotic situation and have zero or minimal interaction with any of them until you completely healed. Healing is ALL about you not those who created the wounds.
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I also wanted to add that once YOU have healed, you will be a much better equipped resource for your niece and nephew and will be better able to gauge and choose when and if YOU can benefit the situation without doing further harm to yourself.
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Someone here mentioned to be robotic, which is the best way to describe it. It reality works, you cannot give a narc any emotion of any kind, it’s how they thrive. Once that is mastered, you then gain control, my boss is a narcissist on an extreme level, when I show no emotion, it seems to bother him more.
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You can use their own manipulation against them. My N-ex owed me money, of course, after we broke up. At first I threatened him – huge mistake – you’ll never win face-to-face at this fight because you can’t be that disgusting of a human being and look yourself in the mirror. So, I apologized and set up a weekly payment plan that he agreed to. Whenever it got close to the end of the week, I would casually text and ask how he was doing and tell him how much I missed being with him sometimes… not too over the top.
Then, once the debt was completely paid, my last text to him was ‘Glad I don’t have to pretend to care about you anymore. Thanks for the money. Lose my number. don’t ever contact me again.’ Of course, I got a tirade of texts back that I’ve never responded to.
I know most professionals say that revenge doesn’t serve anyone – but this made me feel like I got back a little of my pride and all my money. It was a small victory, but a lasting one.
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Brilliant…That is how you take your power back A little self satisfaction never hurts.
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This article was obviously written by a narcissist. Basically you are advising to glorify the narcissist (devil). Which will make a victim a victim for life. No contact is the absolute best way to deal with devil. If you have children and must communicate and visit hell every now and then-you must stick to the facts. Don’t let them in! Close every door and window into your spirit. Don’t get entangle with a snake, because you will get bit again and again. You have given them enough of you. Walk away, run away, stay away. Privately document every important fact. When you exchange your children don’t say much. Keep it to 2-3 sentences if any and shut the damn door. Truth is the narcissist will always look for an opportunity to break you. Even when you recover the from their abuse, they can trigger off a terrible relaspe that may end badly. Minimum to no contact is the best. Build a wall that a nasty narc can’t climb over, go under, or blow over.
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Also, You have to be robotic. ,The Polite Robot…”yes, no, understood’, If you disagree…state the facts, put the narc on pause, find a solution that is beneficial to you and your children and keep it moving. Don’t let them in and don’t give a crap about what’s going on in their narcissistic life, your dance with the devil is over. Let the narcissist take their bow and kick them in their ass all the to curb and back to the hell that came from. ENOUGH!!!!
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Read again the caveats. Appears you missed them. Sometimes no contact is not an option. Remember: Aggression is not power. Anger comes from fear. Important lesson to learn in recovery.
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I disagree with your suggestions of avoiding court at all costs, occasionally giving something up, and giving them presents. This may work with a narcissist with whom you have not had an intimate relationship, but they are dangerous in a divorce situation. A narcissist is basically a bully and kowtowing to one only emboldens him. It is far better to recognize that your most powerful weapon is exposure. If you are smart and prepared and keep your senses, a narcissist will be afraid to confront you in court. To win, you need written evidence showing his erratic behavior and you need written evidence showing your rationality. Never lose your temper with a narcissist and always sound rational and always do everything in writing or with contemporaneous notes. In addition, giving something up only makes the narcissist believe you are weak and they will seek to destroy you. The trick is to make the narcissist think you don’t value something you really do.
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Wow I was thinking the same thing. That everything they are saying here is to ACT like a narcissist. No thanks. Stay true to yourself and do things the healthy way.
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This azrticle is sooo accurate— It seems, acting in the manner we did in the clueless beginning of the relationship,, will help us survive,for the long-run—after my Narc destroyed my car and subsequently denied it–the car was a nice classic that he deftly psychologically manipulated me to let him use.He sliced open its convertible top, and left the open car outside during all weather. He wanted me to give it to him, and then offered a price—After having my unknown to him-mechanic look at the car, I saw a hole in its floor, while the car was up in the air on the “rack” My mechanic said, it’s just a car and since he had been involved with its meticulous upkeep—snoted that —-the hole was never here, before, I lent it to “that guy.” The repair would have cost a crazy amount—-so I “sold it” to the Narc, knowing there was a massive hole in its floor——In the end I received more than I would have via a private sale, without liability, or remorse—–it had to go. Thank you, author, your strategeries worked. The Narc,solved my problem of having a broken/destroyed car, and being financially compensated for its loss,while solving his need for a car problem.Well written.
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I agree with u!
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I meant to respond to ur comment, not the other. I agree with u wholeheartedly. Everything u said. We have to have respect for ourselves and build that wall to protect ourselves.
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I agree with Elisabeth. It keeps putting my comment in wrong place!
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I’m doing all I can to empower myself and learn what I need to know and what to do to be freed up from the 20 yrs of being a lost victim. I do not walk around like one at all or act like one, but it’s true that yes, I am, and I’ve just begun taking action. I have lost contact with so many of my friends because of the fear of sounding depressed so I just don’t call back or pick up the phone. Ridiculous!!!! Reading all the comments from the article is not helping me at all because it’s been so bad that I feel reduced to nothing and even thought about throwing in the towel a few times just learning something new is so confusing. Reason is is because I don’t believe in divorce and I care so much for my daughter that how dare I hurt her if I leave. I’m so sorry, I’m really just venting right now. When you are called to be the leader of the home and there is nothing but disrespect (to gain her respect if that makes sense) lies, manipulation, dominance, criticism, loss of self worth, omg this list goes on and on, the hurt and pain from being from feeling dismantled completely is so heavy to carry out on my shoulders in this deep hole I’ve found myself in for so long. It feels life is over so many times and I’m sick of this. Feels I have wasted so many “years” of my life and just recently finding out why. I’ve been slowly conformed into a controlled man and I didn’t even know the severity of it until recently. I have no one to talk to with my family because they only see the fake side of her and not the reality of her abusive ways with me and my daughter she safely releases in the home where no one sees the real person. Thank you for this web site. I’ll be spending quite some time in here….
Hope I didn’t get off the subject in here but I’ve got to get back to myself again. I too have faults and I’m the first to admit them, but even my Christian Counselor asks me how do I do it…lol.
Please delete this post if it’s not relevant to your site or article.
I will keep you all in prayer for healing and wisdom as well.
Thank you Evelyn.
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Truth will set you free and replacing lies with truth and taking your power back. We do not have to suffer to be lovable. Your daughter and you deserve SO MUCH better. She will heal through you. Check out my book, Take Your Power Back-Healing Lessons, Tips and Tools for Abuse Survivors. And inundate yourself with truth, self care, and self compassion and self forgiveness. May God protect and guide you in your search for truth.
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I started crying immediately as I began reading what you are going through. I wanted the divorce, had no idea that there were no laws, no decency, zero respect for your life, for you as a mother, as a good person….
I am 51, mother of 2, educated, married for over 20 years. Financially always been blessed to be have a good life.
Still not completed our divorce, 3 years of feeling like a butterfly squirming as to get free from my wings being held intentionally as to destroy me.
I am now homeless, financially estranged from the most important people in the world, my 2 daughters, tax debt of $300,000 plus, destroyed once perfect credit, it goes on and on. Forging deeds, it is surreal.
I am on the back side now, for there is nothing he can do to me anymore that he hasn’t already, yes, at one point before my eviction, couldn’t make funds fast enough for his depleting my support illegally, I contemplated suicide, very seriously. I am now so glad I didn’t give him the satisfaction, and so glad I did not do that to my girls.
I know and believe in my heart that I am going to finish and come out the other side and be okay, when? I am not sure, exhausted beyond one’s comprehension. All he did at the end of the day … was make me damn sure glad I followed through with the divorce. All he has taken … are things, he can never take who I am away from me. He can never take my girls away from me, I am always going to be their Mom, our bond might be kinked, but not broken. I am stronger than I realized, and so are you. My girls are my strength, my strength is the belief that good shall always prevail over evil. God put me right where I am supposed to be, it has been so sadistic and cruel but there is a reason I am here. There is a purpose, if not to protect my girls, or teach me of my strength I didn’t know, or perhaps I get to help another not have to endure what I have. What ever the reason, I am here and I am going to be okay, I have to be strong, women are much stronger than we realize I think. And yes, I cry every day, in private, it has been beyond difficult, but crying makes me feel better. Then I pull it together to face another day. This time of challenge, doubt, hurt, and all the other feelings of indecency shall pass, and that day when I or you awake, the sun will shine upon us, so bright, you and I will smile again and get the opportunity to once again live happily, having peace of mind. I hope that day comes soon for all of us.I send my sincerest respect to each narcissistic survivor. An abuse like none other!
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Henry Rollins’ song ‘LIAR’ is about what a sociopathic narcissist does to his/her victim. Toward the end of the song, he sings “I’ll turn you into me, I’ll turn you into me” and that is exactly what your methods would lead to. Lie to them. Tell them you agree if you don’t. Praise them. Agree with them, if you don’t. DO OR SAY WHATEVER IT TAKES TO GET YOUR WAY AND MANIPULATE THEM REGARDLESS OF THE TRUTH. “…….. does that ring a bell?
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Totally different. Their behaviors are for their personal gain and the suggested ones in this article are for self-preservation as the article explains. These are suggested methods to balance power and minimize harm and maintain personal power and ensure self-preservation and are very effective and the narcissist benefits. As explained, “So here are eight quick and effective strategies you can use to manipulate a narcissist and help minimize the harm they inflict on you. Note, however, that the narcissists benefit as well. These suggestions are mutually beneficially and are designed to balance power and minimize and prevent further harm to you and your children. That is the key objective here.”
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Henry Rollins’ song ‘LIAR’ is about what a sociopathic narcissist does to his/her victim. Toward the end of the song, he sings “I’ll turn you into me, I’ll turn you into me” and that is exactly what your methods would lead to. Lie to them. Tell them you agree if you don’t. Praise them. Agree with them, if you don’t. DO OR SAY WHATEVER IT TAKES TO GET YOUR WAY AND MANIPULATE THEM REGARDLESS OF THE TRUTH. “…….. does that ring a bell?
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Honestly, I feel like this article is really spot on. I was married to a narcissist for 18 years, we met when I was 24. I didn’t even realize that he had N.P.D., probably because my mother was a very serious case herself, so I felt comfortable in a relationship being manipulated and criticized constantly. My mother used to joke that she knew exactly how to push my buttons because she installed them.
Anyway, I didn’t realize that he was a narcissist, because he could be so charming and was a successful entrepreneur, so when he emotionally shut me out and refused to talk to me if I didn’t adore him enough or do what he wanted, I thought it was my fault. After 20 years together and 18 years married with two kids he decided to leave spontaneously for a 25 year old ex model. Right, I should have seen that coming. But here’s the thing, I kept my career going throughout the marriage, although he wanted me to give it up so we could live in the city of his choice where we had been living for a year. When he left, I applied for a job promotion back in my home city (where we lived before) and got it! I would never have applied for it when we were together, because I would have had to work it around him. But, getting the job meant that if I went back with the kids I could support us, and would be making 3X as much as in the city he wanted us to live in. He tried to manipulate me by saying that he would pay alimony and child support only if I stay in that city. I said no, that I would rather support myself and live where I can do that. He was livid about that. He said to me that I am making a terrible decision for the kids an will live to regret it, as though leaving for a 25 year old was a great decision for the kids.
As I have been talking to an attorney about finalizing the divorce and separation agreements, he keeps trying to get me to ask for child support and alimony. He is really angry and perplexed that I don’t. But the truth is, that I KNOW if I ask for that, it will be an all out war with my ex. He told me that if I take him to court he will burn it all down and bankrupt me. I have no desire for that, and its bad for me and the kids. I figure it is healthier for me to expect nothing from him and live independently. I’m glad to see what I felt was true in my heart being said straight out here. I feel vindicated in my battle with the attorney, and my NPD mother who wants me to go to war with my ex, ironically.
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Brilliant. I chose similarly and in fact waived child support. Emotional and financial freedom is priceless as well as the examples of emotional health and resilience we set for our children. My daughter is the vision if emotional health and resilience. Our children heal through us. The best revenge is success.
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The father of my unborn child is a narcissist. He will stop at nothing to win including pushing someone to the point of a panic attack. He has recently stated he doesn’t care about the fact I’m carrying his unborn nor does he care if I miscarry. And in the same breath he states that he will fight for rights. Dna test and visitation. But he wants nothing to do with the development of his unborn until the time of birth. Due to this I just want to cut ties entirely. If he’s not going to be there while his child is developing and he won’t come to a compromise on communication then why should I cater to his demands? I feel I would be protecting my child. He appears to be a good father with his first but he only uses her to hurt those who cross him. These tactics no matter how small only seem to feed his ego and to fight him he gets ugly. No matter what there is not healing from it because he won’t allow it. To cater to his whims he feels that he’s won. To not cater to him you’re automatically the enemy. He’s been this way since I left him over breaking rules I specifically stated I would leave over. He has no respect for those that don’t back up their words with actions. But to follow through when it’s against him he’s all threats and ugliness and does everything he can to get vengeance on a person no matter who it is. All I’ve asked for in this is compromise and communication which he won’t do. He wants to go through the court for everything. I’m ready to pack up and disappear before my baby is born just to get him out of the picture. Your tips and tricks here don’t actually work on him. That or I’m doing it wrong. Advice?
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No contact is always recommended first. Tina Swithin provides tons of information on finding attorneys competent in dealing with narcs and how to deal with them effectively in court. Your focus now should be on your healing.
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OMG, that sounds like my ex, father of my daughter (now almost 25). It was 11 years of living hell. I almost lost the baby due to the stress of his DAILY accusations that it couldn’t be his. He accused me daily of cheating on him – I now think that was projection. Oh, how I could go on, the materials I’ve collected from the drawn out court case of the most expensive non-divorce you can imagine – 14 years later I’m still paying those bills.
Get out NOW. Do not look back! You won’t regret it.
Get some help on how to spot the next narcissist – file for full custody when the baby is born, don’t ask for child support, just GET OUT!
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Tell him you lost the baby and disappear. Trust me. My ex is a narcissist, and we’ve been divorced for 13 years. He wanted absolutely nothing to do with our daughter until he discovered I was seeing someone. It has now been ten years of on and off court battles, and he does his best to destroy my relationship with my daughter at every turn. He filed for custody over two years ago, and that battle is still raging because he’s intentionally dragging it out in order to ruin me financially. It’s been pure hell, both for me and for my daughter. I wish every day that I could go back in time and tell him I lost the baby, or just not tell him about her at all. You DO NOT want to be tied to him for the rest of your life, or subject your child to him. Please learn from my huge mistakes!
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I’m sorry, but these tips – from agreeing with them even if you don’t, only interacting on their “good” days, paying them compliments, making them a meal – only emboldened the bitch, who is my mother and the abuse got worse and more outrageous. Now she’s in a nursing home railing against me, lying to anyone who will listen (I spent 25 years listening to her and trying to be a “devoted daughter”) only to find that the ONLY thing that worked was to boot her out of my life. COMPLETELY. Zero contact. Life is too short for monsters who chisel away at our lives. My advice: run, never look back, only forward, and be happy.
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Did you read entire article or react to parts taken out of context? It, of course, as discussed here is always best to have no contact. If you HAVE to have contact, however, accept that they will always be trying to MANIPULATE or take something from you so the goal here is to MINIMIZE harm from them. They are predators. These strategies are not recommended for those early on in healing however are very effective proven options for maintaining self preservation. We all are free to use what works for us.
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It amazes me how accurate you are with these tips. I’m writing a fictional Story about a narcissist and his spouse, who wises up and uses these very tips on him to gain her freedom out of their marriage! We’ve never talked, I just saw your article tonight. But it’s so uncanny that you stated these tactics, the same that my fictional character uses on her Narc husband.
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I am glad to hear it. They work!!
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I completely disagree with your strategic tips. After being raised by narcissistic father and then marrying a narcissist, I have now become what I believe fully educated on the subject. I have never seen in all of my reading tips like yours.
Even if you do have to maintain somewhat of a relationship with the narcissist, your suggestions are so far off from what I believe. And what I’ve learned. Complementing a narcissist? Making them a meal? The number one thing that I have read in dealing with narcissist is to try to go no contact as much as possible. Your strategies are the exact opposite. And as far is not going after them. If they’ve done something to you that is illegal, you have every right to go after them.
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Did you read entire article or react to parts taken out of context? It, of course, as discussed here is always best to have no contact. If you HAVE to have contact, however, accept that they will always be trying to MANIPULATE or take something from you so the goal here is to MINIMIZE harm from them. They are predators. These strategies are not recommended for those early on in healing however are very effective proven options for maintaining self preservation. We all are free to use what works for us.
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Reblogged this on When a Raven is like a Writing Desk.
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I was in a relationship with a narcistic man who took whatever he could. He would drink and abuse me psycholically and i would call the police only for him to return the next day. Two years of abusive behaviour got so much worse when i inherited money. They never say sorry just keep coming back to control me and manipulate. I was put into custody after coming home from work to be called all sorts of nasty names. I hit h with a cushion and a slight graze from a sequin grazed his cheek. The police came and i was put into custody for sixteen hours i could not believe it i was the victim. He never says sorry does he know how wicked he is but chooses to be cruel and hard. I lost my job as a nurse i cancelled a shift so he was destroying me brick by brick. I still suffet from anxiety i will never forgive him
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This was very insightful and so glad I happened upon this article. I just got out of a relationship with my fiancé because of some of these very behaviors. It started slow and became worse after we got engaged which was 5 months ago. The past 3 months have been extreme. What started out beautiful turned into him stonewalling me, which is completely disrespectful not to mention hurtful. I took it upon myself to give him the ring back thinking he might wake up and realize how ugly he was behaving but no such luck. Since I’m older and my last husband was bipolar suffering from extreme anxiety d/t drug & alcohol use, it made me more aware of bullcrap in other people. I’ve been divorced from that dysfunction for over 10 years now and I’m stronger because I did the work on myself to be. All this being said, I love my ex boyfriend/fiancé but I love myself more. I’m to old for games and God has blessed me with wisdom and confidence enough to know I deserve a good guy to share my life with. I had never experienced stonewalling and while researching realized he had all the personality traits of a narcissist which has explained all the constant criticism of me. I’ve been his target for a good 5 months and there is no way in hell I could live in that kind of unhealthy relationship again. If you are being emotionally or physically abused know you don’t have to take it. Be courageous! God wants the. Dry best for you and don’t ever forget you matter and you are beautiful.
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So, so insightful. I used number seven only tonight after Narc regaled me with a story about how his latest work venture gone wrong.
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I have always had to deal with a narcissistic father,, mother, sister and now her brat kids. I have numerous health issues so it makes it hard to find a permanent job or any person that would help me. So, I am always drawn back to helping them out in order for them to help me. I wish I could use the NO Contact but cannot. I feel that would have saved me from a life of hell along with many other health issues. But I did like the article.
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Podrían ponerlo en español?
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Trae Google translator
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In my experience these things always start in childhood when the brain gets wired, that is why some people use psychotherapy, hypnotherapy and meditation to rewire the brain (neuroplasticity) later on when they realise it.
In my experience these people then often keep attracting the same sort of dynamics in their life, so that is the other problem.
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What I would like, and appreciate all the blogs and the books and all that, is if there is anyone on here who is interested in activism and all that, is to campaign for screening.
Shrinks have all the tools to screen these sources (the narcs) but what they do instead is wait and see. When the target falls ill, they medicate the target while sources are roaming the streets.
This is a difficult idea because many sources are in authority positions, so they will not want any sort of screeing introduced, why would they, they are having a field day.
It would however be important because it is very difficult and troublesome to have to work our way out of these situations and indeed, these books are very helpful in these situations.
Still, ultimately it is legislation and screening that needs to be introduced for things to get better. The entire planet is now in the hands of these narcs, they have infiltrated the “system”.
So yes, this is what I think. To be quite frank I dont think it will ever happen but who knows.
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Wow, you are giving advice on how the abused to stay abused. Unbelievable. So. Just do what the abusers wants. Keep him happy and so true be concerned about the abused needs. Dangerous advice.
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This adivce is not dangerous, its good. Narcissistic abuse starts with the target being in a position of dependency. Be that a child, an ill person, a prisoner, or an old person. Someone who is dependent while the narc is in an authority position.
So getting out if this situation and the dinamics that comes with it is not a quick thing and requires a strategy. While the target gains/regains their independence, and inches away from the narc, they need to manage the situation so that they can keep themselves away from the bad energy and the energy vampire (the narc).
This is a way to isolate the narc, and reduce the energy they drain off the target. So most certainly a good strategy for a target who is on its way out.
Because of the dependence and how the situation usually is, the target can not usually leave all together, its a process, and a difficult one, In any case the objective is always to move away from the narc and rebuild either alone or with people who are of a higher frequency. (if we look at buddhism for example)
If anyone wants to see what a full blown narc is like in action and when they can practically do whatever they want, you can always look at some ww2 pictures. Erosion and torture was rife.
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Sometimes you can’t get away and have to survive with the narc. Survival skills are vital to staying sane. Like Evelyn said, its temporary. But temporary may be a couple years depending on the situation.
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I completely agree with you. The worst advice I’ve ever read!
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I completely agree with you! The worst advice I’ve ever read!
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Thank you, my thoughts exactly.
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I need some advice here. I am finishing up a year long divorce with a N. This man has controlled my life, isolated me from friends and family, and emotionally abused me. There were also a few incidences of domestic violence, but no police reports. We just completed a trial and he dragged my name through the mud, made false accusations, and even had people lie on the witness stand for him. He walked out with every single thing he wanted, including 50/50 custody of our daughter. The judge stated he wasn’t using the domestic violence as a factor, even though I had multiple witnesses to the event.
Now I am trying to pick up the pieces and put my life back together. The one thing left I want is to move to another city (about 30 miles away), but he is refusing to let me. We live in a very rich neighborhood and I can no longer afford to live there. I also want to get closer to my family. He states his reason for not letting me move is because he doesn’t want my daughter to switch schools. Ultimately, I know it’s to control me and to continue to isolate me from my family. My attorney thinks the judge will not grant this request since we both have 50/50.
So now how can I play his game? This was a hot topic in mediation and court and he kept saying he will not let my daughter move. His friends and family mean more to him than our child, and this move can put him significantly closer to them. His closest family to us is currently 25 minutes away and friends are about 30 minutes away. I am willing to give up some personal property to make him think he won again. I will compromise and give him MY cat that he desperately wants. I will even to offer to drive my daughter two and from school on the days he has her so he can get to work on time. What else can I do to win his twisted game of control? Please help and any suggestions are appreciated.
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You are allowed to move to a different city. You just can’t move your daughter out of state without his okay. Don’t give him your cat or offer to do all the driving. Narcissists take and take, and when you give a little they see it as weakness and use the opportunity to take even more. I promise he’ll use the cat to try to convince your daughter (or a judge) that she should live with him full time. He is trying to control you, and it looks like he’s succeeding. No judge is going to force you to stay in a neighborhood you can’t afford. If you want to make him feel like he’s in control by negotiating, tell him you’d be happy to stay in the area if he gives you more child support so you can afford it. Otherwise, just move. He does not get to decide where you live.
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I was raised by my narcissistic maternal grandmother. She was very successful (retired USPS postmaster) and “devoted” to me as a child. Outsiders only know what a great woman she is. Her few friends are either new friends or the ones she knows out of town. She is a very active member of her LDS church. She follows their guidelines and appears to be functioning well for 66.
What others don’t see is the criticisms. They don’t walk out of the house and first thing they hear from her is “you’re wearing THAT?”
Her church family doesn’t see the level of control she has manipulated. I’m 28 now, but at 19 she leased me a rent house. Last year I sold it for twice what I paid, and I got nothing from it. She took it all. She successfully put me under constant lock and key, and I was too naive to realize.
They don’t see the screaming rages when she’s proved wrong. They don’t see my missed 10th-15th birthdays because her club was meeting that weekend. Even now, my chest gets heavy and my breathing fast if something happens that I know she won’t like. I have to ask permission to include something in my wedding, if I want her to help.
Every “selfless” deed is laced with greed and sprinkled with personal gain and envy. I am not my own person, I have poor taste if I don’t agree with hers, people will think I’m sloppy if I wear my hair a certain way. And it’s “all because I *care*, Tip” I just want what’s best for you.
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Hi Dear, You are safe here and are dealing with trauma from emotional abuse and invalidation and possible religious abuse as well. I assure you it was not your pain to begin with and you CAN and WILL heal. We have all been there. I was born into a herd of narcissists. My book Take Your Power Back: Healing Lessons, Tips and Tools for Abuse Survivors is a great place to start and I have tons of articles in the blog here….Just start reading. You need to be listened to and heard and to read Truth and start with self care and self compassion. This is how healing starts..step by step as you incrementally witness your healing and rescue yourself, you learn to rebuild your strength and take your power back. It is a process…a journey…a commitment of self love you deserve…God bless, Evelyn
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I have a narc ex who is prone to rage – deliberate timed cruel humiliations.
He disassociated from me after a shocking incident, I went no contact immediately. Three months later he began hoovering, also frightening and unexpected he had replaced me.
The hoovering continued via post, email, late night visits when I blocked him. ( I didn’t answer the door)
As I grew stronger, I decided to mirror each message to lie about what I was up to these days.
I painted a picture of my life to offer no clues. The mirroring back is interesting because these communications go nowhere, they fizzle out until he has a new idea, crossed wires, did you just call me, I’m ill, I just thought about you and so on.
My responses are never prompt, they are always polite patronising cliches.
The hoovering is into its third year and my weaning is paying off. I expect more each time his latest romance fails & im able to predict this which helps me Shore up.
NPD is the most predicable personality, even the language they use seems identical.
He proved his duplicity by hoovering me during his romances, often attempting to groom me under the nose of his latest soulmate, I was this soulmate who was being juggled.
My favourite response about why we split, incompatibility etc, was “I think I need an alpha male” he didn’t react, his entire persona is built on the alpha male image.
He is a coward, he can’t talk to me or apologise, he has amnesia apparently so I filled in the blank for him changing me running away & blocking him to him throwing me out & dating somebody new.
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The best option when we have left them is NO CONTACT..none nada zip…these were provided as strategies when NO CONTACT is not an option and we are at different stages of healing.
As we proceed through healing it is also important to not be triggered by them. I wrote these articles on how to maintain our self preservation if we have to deal with them and to help us understand how powerless they really are and how not to fear them. https://yourlifelifter.com/2015/08/16/3-ways-to-maintain-your-self-preservation-when-dealing-with-a-narcissist/ and https://yourlifelifter.com/2015/07/14/why-understanding-the-differences-between-harm-fear-and-real-danger-are-fundamental-to-your-healing-and-well-being/
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GAY
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Reading this mader so emotional because this is what i did to save me and my children i don’t know then nothing about Narcis . I end up without nothing had to start over again but we are safe .
.
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As an empath and daughter of a VERY aggressive Narcisistic father, your tips are 5 star. After yearsss(I just turned 30) of fighting constantly with my dad because I refused to bend to his will like my other siblings, I have come into this wisdom thanks to discovering NPD after a 3 year relationship with a VERY covert Narcisist. The scales truly did fall off my eyes and now I have a very sharp radar for them.
Back to your tips; my dad has a habit of withholding upkeep money from my mum and younger brother who are the only only ones still living with him. He does this often especially after my mum decided to start her own business for some independence (how dare she?!) or if any of us kids get into a class with him. Especially me.. In his mind, since he can no longer control us who are grown and out he takes it out on my mum and lil brother.
I woke up one morning and realized that I can put my emotional intelligence to good use. After not speaking to him on phone for about 4 months just to see how long it would take him to reach out to me considering that I’d just relocated to a new city and was trying to find my feet, he responds by saying ‘How come I haven’t heard from you for so long?’ This is someone who has a phone and calls who he wants to.
I braced myself,flatter him, apologized and said I was having issues continuing my PhD program( he claims its his idea for me to start even though I told him about it, months after I had started, in passing). He values education, likely because he didn’t have much so it’s a thing of pride for him to show off how educated his kids are.
2 days later I’m On a flight back home spent one night where I bit my tongue and agreed to everything he said, including his opinion on my ‘evil mum’ and ‘useless’ little brother. By the next morning, he’s happily him out of half my PhD school fees. I couldn’t believe how easy it was!!
Of course if I was living with him, I can only manipulate him on a short term basis because he tries to control every bit of our lives. Now I maintain a ‘great’ relationship with him, get money out of him and give to my mum. He’s 72 so here’s hoping his days are numbered.
For women who are married to Narcissists, plot your way out and RUN. They suck the life out of you. It was after my ex that I really delved into psychology and realized that most of my mum’s ill health and emotional unavailability is pretty much as a result of my dad’s abuse. She got married at 15+(We’re African). 40 years of Abuse will wreck even the fittest body.
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Brilliant! That is how you turn darkness to light…and use your emotional intelligence and personal power to defuse them.
Narcs are powerless without OUR power and use our fears, compassion, conscientiousness and false belief of powerless to manipulate us….
It is all a big lie they manipulate us to believe to serve them.
Once you figure them out, they are like mosquitoes….boring, annoying and will suck the life out of you and infect you IF YOUR LET THEM.
Hang tough in YOUR truth and personal power and authenticity!
You are amazing!
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Mine threatened to kill me twice, and then threatened to kill my dogs. Then my dog went missing. She has not been seen by one person in 6 1/2 months. I hate him for what he did to me. But the pain of losing my dog is just beyond words. Do they have the capability of killing them? Why????? And why are they untouched when they commit crimes? I don’t know how to heal from this.
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Evelyn, you’re scaring me…. I was reading about your thoughts on the court process and I’m concerned because I feel like sometimes litigation can’t be avoided. Especially when alcoholism is involved. My ex N who is also an alcoholic took me to court and I have simply defended myself and defeated his “dream team” pro se at every motion hearing so far. The problem is, I learned that my ex broke a federal law. So, I turned him in. He lost his 6 figure job and reputation, and like you said – things got worse. The problem is, I think litigation was unavoidable because he said he “needed to teach me a lesson” and essentially he is trying to destroy me. As for the federal law, according to the laws written on the subject, I could have been prosecuted along with him if I remained silent and didn’t turn the stolen evidence over. So my question is doesn’t a N ever get scared and conclude that the person that they cheated on and discarded isn’t worth the energy or the loss that came with their attempts to “fight till the death?”
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I did not mean to scare you or anyone and am just offering options that you can or cannot choose from based on your circumstances. Everyone deserves what they are due in accordance with the law, however the law does not take into consideration the nuances of our individual situations. YOU have to decide what your expectations are. You don’t HAVE to fight for anything however if you do fight then remember that the narcissists will do all they can to make you lose and battle you out till all resources are exhausted. So it is a pros cons, cost benefit game. So take everything into consideration and do not forget to consider your emotional freedom and health and that of your children. All the power comes from the mother. And you will get yours back. Make a plan on how you will do it and figure out how much you actually need and what you can afford to do on your own. Money is not everything and revenge does nothing but keep you transferring your healing power over to them. There can be no combat if you do not fight. Please check out Tina Swithin’s EXCELLENT websites at http://www.tinaswithin.com and onemomsbattle.com for more information. Best wishes and blessings to you! Evelyn
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Hi,
I have a question my mother suffers from N.P.D (she won’t accept it , but she does) what do you recommend I shall do, she won’t let me buy shoes with my own money since they gain in value, and its obvious she wants to control me and money is a big aspect in how she looses a lot of control, when I have money, mom looses control over herself is usually what it is, how should I approach the situation? (BTW my Mom is 34 I am 14 and she believes like usually narcs do she is entitled to control every aspect of my life including my emotions and my perceiving of the world. (That I will be bullied emotionally for the rest of our relationship is clear to me but at least I want to have some advantages till I am 18 and ready to move out) -Dylan
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Hi Dylan, You are amazing to educate yourself as much as you have and to know as much as you do at your age. It is also important that you have someone you trust who you can rely on to discuss your feelings and to get good feedback. You will be fine. It is important too to learn how to deal with narcissists whether they are in your home or outside because they are everywhere. Bullies are everywhere and they target nice people like you just like they target me and my daughter. Being 14 is a tough age because you are at that stage where you are no longer child but not an adult either. I taught my daughter very young to deal with narcissists and she is happy and healthy and finds them annoying but she keeps the upper hand and does not let them overpower her. We did not agree on everything and still don’t and she is 20 years old now but we have a great relationship. Remember too that narcissists are not ALL BAD like good people are not ALL GOOD. Your self worth and how YOU feel about yourself are very important. Learning give and take and how to compromise are very important too. Be sure to take good care of yourself and learn how to manage boundaries without getting super angry. I have several articles in this blog. Feel free to message me questions at the Yourlifelifter Facebook page as well at https://www.facebook.com/yourlifelifter. If you email me at emr1160@yahoo.com I will send you 14 pages of tips you can use to make you feel better about yourself and take good care of yourself too. Thank you for writing and I hope to hear back from you how things are going. You are safe and cared for here. I promise. Best of luck to you! I am proud of all your hard work. Hugs, Evelyn
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How very narcissistic of you.
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Thank you, Julio, for the feedback. Most people find this article brilliant as well…these strategies worked for my daughter and me perfectly. 35 years as an expert in quality and strategic management have served me well and now I am blessed I can use them to serve others. Remember to always keep your eye on your objectives. BTW…humans are ALL narcissistic…we have to be to survive. Feel free to read more articles to learn to distinguish normal narcissistic behavior from pathological narcissism which is a permanent disorder in thinking that has no cure.
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Hi,
I have a question my mother suffers from N.P.D (she won’t accept it , but she does) what do you recommend I shall do, she won’t let me buy shoes with my own money since they gain in value, and its obvious she wants to control me and money is a big aspect in how she looses a lot of control, when I have money, mom looses control over herself is usually what it is, how should I approach the situation? (BTW my Mom is 34 I am 14 and she believes like usually narcs do she is entitled to control every aspect of my life including my emotions and my perceiving of the world. (That I will be bullied emotionally for the rest of our relationship is clear to me but at least I want to have some advantages till I am 18 and ready to move out) -Dylan
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I have to be around this narcissist because we travel in the same circles, but I don’t have to interact with him. If he needs adoration, he can get it from any number of the other women in the room. He will not get that from me. I can look right through him as if he is not there. THAT’s what bothers him. He cannot stand that I have not run away and cowered in the corner like all his other victims. He cannot stand that I can be in the same room with him and not fall apart like all his other victims. But I’m stronger than he is. He needed me, not the other way around.
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GOOD for you! That is how you hang tough in truth and DO NOT let these powerless beings steal your power from you…shut down all your energy around him….be careful though. A scorned narc goes on character assassin campaigns. Made my day!
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Would love your feedback on how these tips worked for you!
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Hi Evelyn,
I concur with all the strategies you shared. I do believe if I gave up fighting for half of our assets (4 homes and a business that I don’t want) the battle would be over so much sooner. My dilemma is this: I was a stay at home mom for 13yrs of 3 boys. No degree. No family at all which means nowhere to go. I don’t care about the monthly child support because I know he’ll never pay that but I do need a place to live. I don’t even care about our business which is a million dollar company. All I want is a home and my boys. If I could have one wish come true right now it would be to be financially independent and not need one cent from that man! I started back to school at a community college this past fall. I got 2 grants. I’m in our marital home that he stopped paying for after he was served with a restraining order. The house is in foreclosure and I’m riding it out until they kick me out or a settlement which is why I’m fighting for half our homes. I need a settlement to get on my feet with my boys and because we all know he will not pay what he is court ordered to monthly. The scariest part of all this is I know that I know he has it in him to seriously harm me. He builds AR-15’s. Everyone I know tells me I need to get half of our assets and to fight it not for myself but for my boys because they deserve a home with me. I have had many share with me that they gave up everything and regret that they did. The many that did give up everything had family to go live with or received financial help from them. I was an only child. My father is dead and my mother has never been apart of my life. It’s frustrating because if I had somewhere to go I would give up everything so my ex feels like he wins. I’m curious if your strategies would change with someone like me?
Thank you for your time.
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I am late on this response and apologize and hope this gets to Jen. Everyone deserves what they are due in accordance with the law, however the law does not take into consideration the nuances of our individual situations. YOU have to decide what your expectations are. You don’t HAVE to fight for anything however if you do fight then remember that the narcissists will do all they can to make you lose and battle you out till all resources are exhausted. So it is a pros cons, cost benefit game. And you chose to stay at home and that in itself was risky. So take everything into consideration and do not forget to consider your emotional freedom and health and that of your children. All the power comes from the mother. And you will get yours back. Make a plan on how you will do it and figure out how much you actually need and what you can afford to do on your own. Money is not everything and revenge does nothing but keep you transferring your healing power over to them. There can be no combat if you do not fight. Please check out Tina Swithin’s EXCELLENT websites at http://www.tinaswithin.com and onemomsbattle.com for more information. Best wishes and blessings to you and the boys! Evelyn
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Timely for me to read this today in making a decision in continuing probate court for my deceased brother’s estate that lived in another state.
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