Evelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter
The short answer? They are aggressive covert parasites with charm.
The long answer? They are character disordered. They want to and that is their intention and that is just what they do. They do it to everyone, but they needed you the most to provide them narcissistic supply for a long period of time and you came along at an opportune time for them. You were convenient. They wanted all the benefits you could supply them without any of the work so they targeted you. They found you. You did not find them.
Now, they could not tell you this, could they, because you would say, “who is this lunatic (which is what they really are)” and run for the hills if you knew the illusion and grooming was all a ploy, a con, a lie and they used love as their camouflage.
READ MORE ON THIS PROVOCATIVE TOPIC in Evelyn Ryan’s Book, Take Your Power Back: Healing Lessons, Tips, and Tools for Abuse Survivors.
It is exhausting for them to pretend because it takes work and they do not like to work so, in time, their true colors emerge and you get to see who they REALLY are….covert aggressive weak uncompassionate emotional vampires who would sell their own mother and children for a nickel if it served them. But your cognitive dissonance, your inner belief system that keeps you safe, causes you to doubt what you are seeing and feeling. Why? Because they insert an element of doubt into our reality and trigger our pain from childhood and we start to feel uncomfortable in our own bodies, unsafe and defenseless in the same way we were made to feel defenseless in childhood.
This, folks, is the core to what causes the highs and lows of trauma bonding and we think the narcissists, the abusers, are the only ones with the power to alleviate it (like we thought in childhood) when in reality they are so weak they have to parasitically feed off the energy of other people. This creates an addictive dooloop of uncertainty and pain that we think WE are the cause of and are deserving of.
This is the core to any abuse but the primary core to the harm caused from aggressive long term invalidation from narcissistic abuse. Narcissists intentionally and premeditatedly take all they can from us that they cannot supply themselves and that will serve them long term and help feed an illusion of “normalcy” to the world and then proceed to deplete us. That was their plan from the beginning. They turn us figuratively into them and then destroy us. THAT is how much they loathe themselves and the magnitude of THEIR personal shame.
Divorce or breaking up with them is like acid on their skin to them because they have lost their camouflage of normalcy and fear being exposed to the world for who they really are….you are seeing the magnitude of the evil wrath, inability to love, lack of compassion, and aggression triggered by their TOXIC fear of shame. You are seeing the wolf who has taken off his or her sheep’s clothing, the snake who has taken off its suit!
It also demonstrates how much that WE are the opposite and the magnitude of our own personal power and value. They target the best of the best because they know we are, they pathologically envy us, and we are vulnerable to power imbalanced relationships due to the damage done to our core belief system and self-worth in our childhood.
The good news?
We are merely wounded and we will heal. We can love. We will create long lasting memories and mutually respectful relationships.
The evil emotional parasites cannot. They are parasites with charm.
I write in much more detail about this provocative subject and much more in Take Your Power Back: Healing Lessons, Tips and Tools for Abuse Survivors.
3 thoughts on “Why Do Narcissists Really Do So Much Harm?”
The narcissist that I was with for 9 yrs, was totally in it for my money. He took me away from my home, my job of 21 years, my family, my church, and my friends!! He was quick to have me buy an acreage for him with all of the money I had saved and invested my whole life! Within a month, I had signed my name for a new pontoon, and within 6 months, a new snowmobile trailer, also in my name, because he had NO money, and NO credit, and little did I know at that point, but he owed many people and businesses money!! I asked all of the right questions, and got all lies, as I found out later. I asked of he paid his taxes every year, to which the answer was an emphatic “Yes, absolutely!” . Just to find out he hadn’t done them for 5 years!! He pretended to love my children to serve his needs of getting in my heart and mind and yet, he caused constant drama in our house, and always blamed MY children, and HIS children!! It was ALWAYS someone else’s fault!! He wouldn’t pursue relationships with his 2 children, unless I insisted! I continuously told him “people who love their children, NEVER give up on them!!” He said he wasn’t made that way…. yeah, no kidding!! This was as unforgiving of a person as I had ever met! He would leave me for months every fall and then come back around January. I have now realized that it was to control and keep power over me! It kept him getting everything that he wanted, and all I had to do was sign my name over and over. New vehicles, boat, jet skis, snowmobiles, trailers, business equipment… the list goes on and on!! I would take out loans for business equipment, and while I was trying to pay them off with very little help, he had already sold it and gotten bigger and newer, leaving me with the loans and debt! He forced me to sell my personal acreage and home, and before I had the payoff for my house in the bank, he had a check in his hand, for a huge sum of money! He said “if you don’t give me the money, I can’t pay my employees (18 of them) for their last 2 weeks of labor, and they will leave me! He promised to pay me back in 2 weeks…Guess what?!? I’ll never see that money again! He never made house payments, and left me to use up the remaining amount of money from the sell of my acreage! In September he left me for his ex, whom he had caused to get divorced from her husband years ago. He got her pregnant, and had her buy things for his needs and then left her. She remarried her husband for 10 more yrs and now divorced him again for the narcissist!! She now has a good paying job, good credit, and his children that he was going to have to pay an exuberant amount of money for child support for, unless he moved in with her. Now he has NO child support, the ex-husband is paying the Healthcare for the children, he has nothing to do with his 2 older children, that I fought so hard to keep in his life, he hasn’t paid taxes on his company for years, and people are constantly looking for him for payment, including the IRS!!! And best of all…he has a new bank supply and credit supply to fill his need for more toys and all of the ego boosting that he can possibly acquire!!! I am truly feeling the relief of his absence from my life!!! He was mentally abusive and took advantage of me in every way imaginable!! Now he is her problem, and although she is getting what she deserves, I can’t help but feel sorry for all of his children, who have NO choice in who their father is, and the pain he will cause them!! I can breathe again, and I am truly truly blessed!!! God be with all of you who are fighting to breathe again!! Don’t give up! Trust in God!!
WOW! THAT IS TRULY ONE OF THE BEST ARTICLES WRITTEN IN DESCRIPTION OF HOW THESE CREATURES TICK, THANK YOU FOR PUTTING THE EMOTIONAL DESCRIPTION INTO WORDS THAT REALLY HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD!
I, too, am a survivor of abuse, sexual from my own father and financial loss from a scammer right after the death of my husband of nearly 46 years. The first left me ripe for the second. I was about 10 when it started and finally escaped at 17 by reporting it to the police. My sisters and some of my daughters also became his victims. I was so vulnerable after my husband died, I probably was an easy mark. I died to him just before my 67 th b-day. I “woke up” and started believing in myself and no longer in him. I as Lao went to the police with all the information I had, then created my death and stuck with it. It took me a month to extract myself from him completely, the photos and texts. I have ended up with about 3/4 of the cash he took from me and I feel thankful for that. I have learned a lot about myself thru it. First, I need to love me and accept myself, JUST AS I AM. GOD LOVES ME THIS WAY. I am a stronger person and I am beautiful and lovable. I have many very good characteristics. But most of all I am a survivor! A very good friend of mine has described it as a metamorphosis. I, myself, call it a rising of a Phoenix from the ashes. I am still under psychiatric care and on meds and I am still in therapy, but they all can see the transformation in my life. I can finally look forward to my future and not live in my past. Thank you for your site and information. I look forward to getting and reading your book. I pray others will find the value in your site. God bless you as He has me. Regina