A “Dear John” Letter to a Narcissist

Evelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter

5cfff8c5858232ba3e5cba761677b3af (1)I am posting this letter I received with permission from the author that describes poignantly the pain experienced from narcissistic abuse as well as the power we all have to heal after narcissistic abuse! I would like to thank the author personally for trusting me with her heartfelt, gut-5cfff8c5858232ba3e5cba761677b3af (1)wrenching, beautiful, powerful and courageous words.

Dearest Ex-Husband,

I expect my words to be ignored and ridiculed. I expect my deepest feelings to be unimportant or even laughable. I know what I say means nothing to you, but even with this knowledge, it means something to me.

So with that said, my first goodbye is to me not being important, my opinion being so irrelevant. Goodbye to the days of being last and feeling so sorry for ever thinking I should make myself important.

Goodbye to the days of trying to impress you with a home-cooked meal I spent a lot of time preparing and a clean house for you to come home to. For what? You to just come home and tell me it was nothing compared to what you had to endure at work? Everything was always a competition with you. All I ever wanted was to be your teammate. You just don’t understand how that works.

Goodbye to having to cover up almost EVERYTHING you ever did or didn’t do. The best part about this is that the 3 pairs of eyes that saw me doing this, won’t be disgusted with me anymore. They saw it all. They know what a jerk you are and no one has to pretend it wasn’t happening anymore. Hallelujah!

Goodbye to feeling anxious when we were in the company of others because you would boast about yourself and that embarrassed me. I’m happily waving goodbye to all of your lies too. A part of me felt sad for you for so many years because of the stories you told me about your childhood. But I don’t feel bad for you anymore at all. It was all lies, all lies about your heritage, family tree, the murders, college, the abuse you claim that you endured by your Mother, Father, Step Mother, Maternal Grandfather and Ex-Girlfriend. You are a sick individual to make up some of the most horrible scenarios. Also, goodbye to me being an idiot to believe such bullshit! And as for the lies you’re continually telling?GOODBYE! I won’t entertain those either.

Goodbye to feeling so alone. So many times, I would take the children to do things we should have done as a family. You were always so grumpy and distant…never wanting to spend quality time with any of us. So, I picked up the pieces and went on without you. The kids and I won’t have to feel rejection on a daily basis anymore.

Goodbye to having to take the blame – the blame for everything; the blame for why you were mean and abusive, why you had affairs, why you drank alcohol at all hours of the night, why the toilet broke, why there was laundry to be done, why the burgers didn’t turn out well, why you had to have a job, why your truck was dirty, why we had to pay our bills, why we had kids, why the kids had to eat, why the kids wanted to be read to, why your biological daughters were coming to visit, why the camper needed to be cleaned, why I had hurt feelings most days and a few other things.

Goodbye to asking you to help – help with household duties, bills, changing of diapers, or anything that comes with being a married father of 5 children. Because when I asked you of these things, you would scream and yell at me for “making you so tired.” I envied my friends and family who had a husband that would do these sort of things without asking. I still get really emotional thinking of the day one of the kids wanted to learn to ride her bike without training wheels. You sat in a chair disgusted that she would ask you for help. So, her Aunt and Uncle jumped up and within 10 minutes she made a memory with them, instead of you.

Goodbye to walking on eggshells. Everyone hated it! I did, the kids did, our family did and our friends did. You were a ticking time-bomb that won’t be exploding in my home ever again. I’m perfectly content with never biting my tongue again…have fun with that!

Goodbye to being your punching bag. Your mirror. You constantly called me names such as selfish, disrespectful, psychotic, etc….all these things YOU STRUGGLED WITH. And goodbye to sometimes believing you.

Of course, goodbye to all the good things too. There had to be some good in order for me to accept your proposal, right? It was really good in the beginning and we made some really nice memories. Sometimes they sneak up on me and take my breath away. The man I fell in love with and who I thought came in for a new turn in my life has been long gone though. I said goodbye to him a while back. But honestly, he never really existed. It was a mask you wore and wore damn well. But, it’s all over, so adios to that portion of our marriage as well.

And finally, goodbye to having to stand next to a coward; to a man who has never been a place of comfort for his wife or children and who was intentionally absent for most of his daughters’ lives, who walked away from 4 little girls that called him Dad, who couldn’t treat the Mothers of his children with an ounce of respect when in reality, we deserve to be honored and supported whole-heartedly! You will forever carry this burden with you. And because we all know how you wouldn’t dare own up to being this coward.

You will continue to place blame on others as you walk through life. But one day, you will face our Heavenly Lord and the price you pay will be all yours. But honestly, I doubt you’ll make it there. Burn in Hell. (That was me not biting my tongue)


Your ex-wife who is working to write her Hello letter.

22 thoughts on “A “Dear John” Letter to a Narcissist

  1. Cosmo Archibald Topper says:

    As a man, I have to ask why she married him in the first place. Most of us men are rather transparent about who we are, and the Internet has many testimonials from people lamenting that they knew their ex was a bad choice but went through with a relationship anyway. I know. I did this also.


    • Athena says:

      I don’t understand why men think that women have this superpower to see through the mask a narcissist puts on, while men are helpless victims when they are the ones who come into contact with a narcissist. You would think there might be some understanding, but no. A narcissist does not reveal their true colors at first, they make themselves seem like your ideal partner until they have you trapped and being beaten down by at least their words, if not also their fists. I don’t see how it would be any different for a woman or a man, unless you believe women are smarter than men.


    • Jessica Spooner says:

      Man or woman, no one is ever that transparent and I’m sure in the beginning everything was right- he played the part of what he thought she wanted.. coddling her, probably love bombing.. after a while the act had to stop and the mask finally breaks. He became comfortable in her acceptance of his actions. I’m glad she got the courage to get out..


  2. Martha says:

    Although my husband of 19 years and I never had children together, I can truly relate to this as I sit here crying. For the past couple of days I’ve been thinking of writing my ex a letter as well. I have sent him very long emails in the past few months that I’ve worked hard to get all ties broke with him, and going as far as to sell his cemetery plot next to me. Yes, it’s in our separation agreement, and if he chose someone else as he has done so many times in the past 10 years to be with here, then I do not even want to be buried next to him. My letter will be to him and his new girlfriend that he had been seeing months before our separation. Just in case she doesn’t know his history, by the time I finish my letter she will. Thank you so much for sharing this letter as for it will definitely be a format I can use! God bless you!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Evelyn Ryan says:

      Healing and taking our power back are a process that includes forgiving ourselves and mourning loss. One step at a time. We can heal. They cannot. Be gentle with your self.


  3. Roya says:

    Wow such powerful words ! How sad , it made me cry , how horrible can a person can be ! It’s disgusting . I hope karma serves him cold .!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Bee says:

      Unfortunately karma does nothing to these greedy fools they keep taking while we are constantly stepped on!


    • Neville says:

      Thank you, I’m trapped in homo marriaige and after 14vyears realise I’m not gay. Living with a narcissist. Thanks for sharing and I gotta write that letter too.


  4. Shirley Anderson says:

    The best thing I did in my life was to join this site. It has given me so much more understanding about the human race, now all I have to do is learn to understand myself., Why I always attracted the same kind of people, feels like I am a magnet to attracting bullies to share my life…………..I wish I had joined this site when I was much younger, now at the age of 55, where do I start, how do I start, no finances, difficult to find a job in my country as I am too oldn even the jobs I find the people I work for treat me as they please.. All alone, no sport system, nobody to turn to…….Sometimes it feels like I am at the end of my line. All because of bad choices. Where do I start to rebuild a new life with no funds…………..when I read all these articles it is like I am reading about myself………thank You everybody for sharing, it is appreciated from me and for sure no more people with narcisitic traits in my life.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Mimintacoma says:

    If I did not know better I would think I wrote this letter describing the last 5 years of me and my children’s life. I want to be well and I want my children to be well. I still feel as though I failed but am working hard to heal myself… But it certainly is not easy.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Angela says:

      Wow!!!! So very very true!!!!!!! I read this and its like its words and pages of my life with my ex husband…it is unreal how much is right on!

      Liked by 1 person

  6. charlotte says:

    My ex word for word his name wasn’t philip was it lol sorry it was just dead on what I have had to deal with for 5 yrs to long before I walked away

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Renee Cuddihy says:

    To my Past…I’m writing this in hopes that if there is someone else in the grips of a Monster they can find hope in the fact that I made it out alive and so can they!!!
    I am finally at a point in my life, nearly 7 mths from when I got away from (The Monster) where I can look back on everything and even though I will never get all my questions explained or answered, I can be at peace with closing that part of my life. One thing I know for sure is that I did nothing to deserve what he did to me and what he took from me. I was merely living my life in a peaceful productive way and this mess of a being just waltzed in and destroyed my world. It was a game to him, one he’s played with several women. He starts off with his charming ways telling you everything you want to hear. He appears so concerned with your problems so much so, that you confide in him your fears and inner most secrets. He memorizes them all because soon they will become ammo and he will use it againest you. He will take any and all independence (car..job..home..phone)you have so that you become totally dependent on him. All of his problems become your problems, because he is flawless. He’s 100% an addict but soon you will be the one who is a drug addict. He will tell everyone he tried To say no but you forced him. To the world he’s an Angel in disguise but behind close doors he’s a monster and without you even realizing it your stuck, held captive from the world. The mental abuse He has strangled you with has you paralyzed in fear. You are never allowed out of his sight or without him. He has installed spywear in the phone so that He knows every move you make. He was after something that really had nothing to do with me. He used deception from the moment we first spoke for a purpose he had in his mind, as tho my life didnt matter and To him it didn’t. I doubt he even knew I was in the room half the time because to him we are all the same. Just the faces and settings change while he stays exactly the same.I know and/or have since met two of his other victims who also survived but who also have similar stories. The game he played with all three of us were some, worse than others but all basically the same. He is stealing everything you..all that you have one piece at a time and literally driving you crazy while doing so. It was to the point that a psych ward was what I prayed for.
    On July 27, 2015 I sat at our front door crying and begging God to just take me home. I knew I was stuck and couldn’t get away and that I was slowly dying and if I didn’t get away he was gonna kill me. The following morning I got pulled over and was arrested for a warrant for an old misdemeanor probation charge. It was my way out! God answered my prayers!! Yes, I spent some time (50 days to be exact) in jail but it was the time needed to get totally away from the monster. The mind control he so quickly controlled me with was no longer working. I was free…free to find me again.
    I am now closing this chapter in my life, as I refuse to let the nightmare consume me anymore. I’m taking life one day at a time and am still healing from the pain and trauma he caused me.
    The thing I still suffer the most from is that he took my children from me. They believed what a monster told them. I don’t blame my kids, they have all been thru so much. I have prayed about it all without ceasing and have had no choice but to give it to God. In time I know he will restore my relationship with all four of them. I love all of them and will always be here if they need me. Bottom line is, there are only three people who know what really happened and that’s God, myself and that MONSTER.
    My world is so different than it was a year ago.
    For me everything has changed. I’m not that free, fun loving spirit that I was, but I’m working on finding me. Everything scares me and trust is something I have a big issue with. I used to never meet a stranger, I would say they were just friends waiting to be made.
    I never needed nor wanted a man like him but for some reason our path crossed. I do need me more than ever and I’m glad I’m coming back better than I was back then.
    I have since met a man, actually I met him about a week after I met the Monster, so “Charlie” and I were just friends. Matter of fact he was there many days with a shoulder for me to lean on via phone or text. Charlie was there for me when NO-ONE else was, he was there when I got out of jail to pick me up with a smile on his face and (Help Free Renee) written on the back of his windshield. We have been dating every since then. He has taught me so much about just breathing and living. I can’t count how many times he has told me, Baby! Don’t sweat the small stuff!! I’m not sure when or how but he has completely stole my heart ❤! I love you Charlie!!!
    So today I say Goodbye to that Monster and that time in my life. I sincerely pray God has mercy on your soul! I forgive you because I have to so that I can totally move on with my life, but I will never forget!
    Welcome home Renee…else
    I sure have missed you!
    February 25,2016

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Michele York says:

    I am so proud of the strong woman you have become. You and your children deserve to be happy, and comfortable in your own home. No more walking on egg shells! I am sure that your hello letter is going to be a beautiful thing for all of you!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Lis says:

    That brought tears to my eyes. That is the letter I could have and tried to write to my husband of 23 years. The guy who who said, after 22 1/2 years, that he had never loved me, it was marriage of convenience. The guy who wouldn’t help me pay my cancer treatment bills because he paid for the health insurance policy. The guy who gave me herpes for an engagement gift. The same guy who decided when our son was 15 that dad should take a giant step away so the son could be more independent. The guy who said jump and expected me to drop everything and jump immediately. The one who said he had a better emotional relationship with his friend Linda from the next town over than he did with me. The guy I divorced 5 months ago, who keeps throwing out hooks to bait me.
    Congratulations to you for writing it down and saying it like it is. My we all have the strength to get our power back!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Evelyn Ryan says:

      Thank you…together we heal, thrive and take our power back…please check out my book Take Your Power Back: Healing Lessons, Tips and Tools for Abuse Survivors. …


  10. Amanda Staples says:

    So many emotions run through me reading this goodbye letter, the words I know all to well. The emotions I my self felt, but was never able to put into words! This letter sends chills down my spine. It hits home!
    Great good bye letter

    Liked by 1 person

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