Life, Health, Career Coaching

A “Dear John” Letter to a Narcissist

Evelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter

I am posting this letter I received with permission from the author that describes poignantly the pain experienced from narcissistic abuse as well as the power we all have to heal after narcissistic abuse! I would like to thank the author personally for trusting me with her heartfelt, gut-wrenching, beautiful, powerful and courageous words.

Dearest Ex-Husband,

I expect my words to be ignored and ridiculed. I expect my deepest feelings to be unimportant or even laughable. I know what I say means nothing to you, but even with this knowledge, it means something to me.

So with that said, my first goodbye is to me not being important, my opinion being so irrelevant. Goodbye to the days of being last and feeling so sorry for ever thinking I should make myself important.

Goodbye to the days of trying to impress you with a home-cooked meal I spent a lot of time preparing and a clean house for you to come home to. For what? You to just come home and tell me it was nothing compared to what you had to endure at work? Everything was always a competition with you. All I ever wanted was to be your teammate. You just don’t understand how that works.

Goodbye to having to cover up almost EVERYTHING you ever did or didn’t do. The best part about this is that the 3 pairs of eyes that saw me doing this, won’t be disgusted with me anymore. They saw it all. They know what a jerk you are and no one has to pretend it wasn’t happening anymore. Hallelujah!

Goodbye to feeling anxious when we were in the company of others because you would boast about yourself and that embarrassed me. I’m happily waving goodbye to all of your lies too. A part of me felt sad for you for so many years because of the stories you told me about your childhood. But I don’t feel bad for you anymore at all. It was all lies, all lies about your heritage, family tree, the murders, college, the abuse you claim that you endured by your Mother, Father, Step Mother, Maternal Grandfather and Ex-Girlfriend. You are a sick individual to make up some of the most horrible scenarios. Also, goodbye to me being an idiot to believe such bullshit! And as for the lies you’re continually telling?GOODBYE! I won’t entertain those either.

Goodbye to feeling so alone. So many times, I would take the children to do things we should have done as a family. You were always so grumpy and distant…never wanting to spend quality time with any of us. So, I picked up the pieces and went on without you. The kids and I won’t have to feel rejection on a daily basis anymore.

Goodbye to having to take the blame – the blame for everything; the blame for why you were mean and abusive, why you had affairs, why you drank alcohol at all hours of the night, why the toilet broke, why there was laundry to be done, why the burgers didn’t turn out well, why you had to have a job, why your truck was dirty, why we had to pay our bills, why we had kids, why the kids had to eat, why the kids wanted to be read to, why your biological daughters were coming to visit, why the camper needed to be cleaned, why I had hurt feelings most days and a few other things.

Goodbye to asking you to help – help with household duties, bills, changing of diapers, or anything that comes with being a married father of 5 children. Because when I asked you of these things, you would scream and yell at me for “making you so tired.” I envied my friends and family who had a husband that would do these sort of things without asking. I still get really emotional thinking of the day one of the kids wanted to learn to ride her bike without training wheels. You sat in a chair disgusted that she would ask you for help. So, her Aunt and Uncle jumped up and within 10 minutes she made a memory with them, instead of you.

Goodbye to walking on eggshells. Everyone hated it! I did, the kids did, our family did and our friends did. You were a ticking time-bomb that won’t be exploding in my home ever again. I’m perfectly content with never biting my tongue again…have fun with that!

Goodbye to being your punching bag. Your mirror. You constantly called me names such as selfish, disrespectful, psychotic, etc….all these things YOU STRUGGLED WITH. And goodbye to sometimes believing you.

Of course, goodbye to all the good things too. There had to be some good in order for me to accept your proposal, right? It was really good in the beginning and we made some really nice memories. Sometimes they sneak up on me and take my breath away. The man I fell in love with and who I thought came in for a new turn in my life has been long gone though. I said goodbye to him a while back. But honestly, he never really existed. It was a mask you wore and wore damn well. But, it’s all over, so adios to that portion of our marriage as well.

And finally, goodbye to having to stand next to a coward; to a man who has never been a place of comfort for his wife or children and who was intentionally absent for most of his daughters’ lives, who walked away from 4 little girls that called him Dad, who couldn’t treat the Mothers of his children with an ounce of respect when in reality, we deserve to be honored and supported whole-heartedly! You will forever carry this burden with you. And because we all know how you wouldn’t dare own up to being this coward.

You will continue to place blame on others as you walk through life. But one day, you will face our Heavenly Lord and the price you pay will be all yours. But honestly, I doubt you’ll make it there. Burn in Hell. (That was me not biting my tongue)


Your ex-wife who is working to write her Hello letter.