Evelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter
Healing for abuse survivors brings a new and unfamiliar level of despair and discomfort we must rescue our own selves from. This can trigger immense fear since in the past, we were never encouraged and even punished for even taking care of our own basic human needs. Do the “not so legitimate” but popular healing pages and websites on narcissism know this? Of course they do! And in spite of it, they continue to inundate suffering abuse victims with information on the narcissists (frequently plagiarized or copied, cut and pasted) that does you continued harm by keeping you in pain and in a traumatized (yet familiar) state of peptide addiction, keeping you focused on your abuser and revenge rather than yourself, enticing you to remain with or return to him or her, and preventing your emotional healing. Read more here.
“I strongly recommend in your healing journeys, to be discerning in your selection of truth-based information and to choose the company of truth-seekers like yourself whose healing goals align with yours.”
The point is this! Do we need to know about narcissism to heal? Absolutely, we do. But we must remember to be wise and selective of the quality and accuracy of the information and aware of our stage of healing and the stage of healing of the company we choose to keep. We must be mindful that we cannot heal at the same level of thinking that creates our pain. I strongly recommend in your healing journeys, to be discerning in your selection of truth-based information and to choose the company of truth-seekers like yourself whose healing goals align with yours. Most important to understand, as I write about very frequently and in fact is Lesson Number 2 in Chapter 2 in my book, Take Your Power Back: Healing Lessons, Tips and Tools for Abuse Survivors that healing has nothing to do with your abusers. It is all about YOU. You CAN heal. They cannot.
Read more here on why learning all about narcissists is not the answer.
Let’s explore this.
I can tell you all you need to know about narcissists and narcissism to facilitate your healing in about 15 minutes. For example, we need to understand that they are aggressive but powerless and weak, they are not capable of loving anyone and prey on the vulnerable even their own children and that they manipulate us because we are the best of the best, they want all the benefits we can provide them without any of the work and to provide an illusion of normalcy to the world, there is no cure for narcissism, after us, they quickly move on to their next target, and we are vulnerable because we carry unhealed childhood wounds and trauma. So that’s it. That is, in a nutshell, pretty much all you need to know about narcissists. They are THAT boring and predictable.
So healing truths (e.g. tools, tips, strategies, inspiration, lessons) address the root causes to abuse along with the obstacles we deal with that can prevent us from healing, even though they are precisely what narcissistic abuse survivors or for that matter all abuse survivors need to recover, are nonexistent at many and I will go out on a limb and say most of the dozens of Facebook pages with narcissist, narcissism, or something close in their titles that I have frequented over the past several years. In fact, this is why I created the Yourlifelifter Facebook page, website, and Blog with the specific and unique mission “to provide truth-based healing information to narcissistic abuse survivors and to those seeking emotional freedom” and more so, why I wrote Take Your Power Back: Healing Lessons, Tips, and Tools for Abuse Survivors.
Unfortunately, the “newbies” as Allyson, one of the Yourlifelifter community members affectionately refers to folks in early healing stages, would not have a clue about this. That is unless folks in latter stages of healing tell them or they just so happen to fall upon a Facebook page like Yourlifelifter, Melanie Tonia’s, Kim’s etc. So what happens to the “newbies” who are emotionally fatigued, traumatized, depressed, and desperately looking for answers? (I know. I was one of them.) Well, their story goes something like this.
They do a word search on abuse and this word narcissist pops up that sounds familiar cuz they heard it on Dr. Phil or saw it in a magazine at the nail salon and then word search on that and then it takes them to the Facebook and Web pages that have gazillion followers and they think they found gold. Now, I am not claiming that these sites have no value. Of course they do, however, I am cautioning you that their value to your legitimate and timely healing (if that is your goal and I hope it is) is extremely limited and actually can do you harm. I, at one time, followed these sites, myself, and still intermittently scan posts at some of them, and there is one main thing that stood out then and still stands out like a sore thumb to me and many other healers have confirmed.
They do not focus on solutions.
What they actually do is draw the focus to the narcissists and post all about the depravity of the consequences of having a relationship with someone with the disorder. In response, the community members post all about the narcissistic drama in their lives including this is what he or she or their proxies said and did and/or how they want to pay them back or how fearful they are of them. With reach to people to 45 countries, I hear and compassionately witness the horror stories daily and I am not proud to say I can pull from a portfolio of my own. Yes. Is it important to grieve our losses and tell our stories. They are part of the fabric of who we are. This is absolutely critical to healing. But focusing too much on them will prevent you from healing by keeping you pain addicted and trauma bonded and stuck in toxic shame, grief, self-blame, and inaction. This is indisputable!
The legitimate healers, who, by the way, actively work together towards a common goal and who support one another, know this very well and know that the souls of abuse survivors are starving for truth. In fact, when you find a Page that shares healing “truth,” not only will you heal, you will heal very very quickly. You will soak it up like a sponge and it will empower you to seek more and more truth. We also know that we all benefit from the positivity of other’s healing energy not their pain and life’s drama. Legitimate Facebook pages and websites also do not post information that has not been well researched and validated by the professional abuse recovery community, our Facebook community members and our own selves. Yes. We are survivors ourselves and, speaking for my own self, of decades of abuse. In fact, narcissistic abuse recovery experts and professional abuse and addiction therapists endorse and follow each other’s Pages. We do not (like we see in the illegitimate pages developed by those claiming to be healers but in reality are not) cut and paste others people’s work, ideas and plagiarize other people’s work and put our names on it.
Here is an important yet not so obvious point related to the characters of the “legit” healers. We can comfortably claim the title of “healer” not only because we survived the abuse but also because we are qualified to and earned those titles. We, like all professionals, have earned the respect and credibility through establishing and maintaining our competence through our hard work, education, credentials, and peer reviewed publications. We turned our suffering into wisdom. We are proficient and competent at what we do and work with “peers” who recognize, challenge, enhance, and validate each other’s competence. We also uniquely possess a quality that makes what we do all so much more valuable than the numbers of our Facebook followers…. Integrity of Character.
We have maintained through our suffering and strengthened through our healing the integrity of character, courage, wisdom, and personal truth that sustained us through our suffering ….the divine ability chiseled in our being to simply do the right thing and compassionately have others’ and, for me personally, humanity’s rather than solely our own best interests at heart.
Remember, folks. This is not a hobby. This is our job, our passion, our life’s work. We invest our hearts, souls, time and money to do this. This is who we are. This is who I am. Members in our community are like our own, my own children, my own family, and we take our leadership and healing roles and our competence very seriously. Like any effective and loving parent, we can readily put our egos aside and use our wisdom, knowledge, empathy, compassion and unselfish spirits to inspire and do what is best for our “families” rather than exploit them for our personal gain. We have broken the cycle of abuse in our lives and are helping you to do the same and are grateful to be able to do so.
And so to all of you….. it is humbling and an honor and privilege to walk the earth with you at this time in your growth and evolution.
Thank you for allowing me to do so.
15 thoughts on “How Much Do We Need to Know About Narcissism to Heal?”
I am so grateful/ thankful for you! It is especially precious because as I am awakening in this truth and realization, I am beginning my mental health rotation. I am 52, an empty nester and in my last year of my BSN in nursing!🦋
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Well, I am grateful for you…and am proud of you and your commitment to you and congrats on your BSN…ur one talented and gifted person…blessings and keep in touch. Together we heal and thrive!
Excellent piece. I have seen what you say in some of the FB pages and web sites I follow. Lately, I started to lose my patience with some group members. It’s as if they were sabotaging themselves. People complaining about their ex narc contacting them, leaving voicemail messages, etc. Then they complain they can’t heal and move on if the narc keeps on doing that, which forces them, they say, to break Np Contact. And these are individuals who do not need to stay minimal contact since they share no children with the narc. I wish I could go complete No Contact, but I can’t . Them, on the other hand, can do it by simply changing their phone number and paying a small extra fee to be unlisted on the White Pages and they don’t do it! I don’t understand.
Anyway, I really enjoyed your post and there’s a lot of valuable information. Thank you for having written it!
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Reblogged this on Emma.
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I am a retired Pastor. Nearing the end of my ministry I realised that many daughters did not have a healthy relationship with their mothers. And it is not the daughter’s fault. No one want to take this on TV.
Then I assisted a lady deal with double barrel narcissism which of course also included gas lighting. We are still working on the healing 5 years later, she has progressed very well because she listened and desperately wanted answers. It is a very difficult walk. She has 24/7 access to me.
I have come to a couple of conclusions:
1. Only a small percentage will advance to a point of healing because of the constant abuse occurring in their informative (learning years).
2. Very few will seek help.
3. Good therapist are scarce.
4. It is very hard to intervene even when you know someone is enduring narcissistic behaviour.
On what level do you start when most will not listen, after all it is their parents.
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Rupert, No contact is critical in healing to up level the faulty thinking, heal from trauma, release the shame, and build self-worth and self-esteem. My book Take Your Power Back: Healing, Lessons, Tips, and Tools for Abuse Survivors details it all and the obstacles to healing and how to address them. You are absolutely correct that the psychiatric community has neglected childhood abuse survivors. Dr. Bessel van der Kolk’s book, The Body Keeps the Score will be enlightening for you and very beneficial to your work. Please join us at the Blog and the Yourlifelifter Facebook page for truth. As a Pastor, you can see the huge spiritual side in healing and how the souls of abuse survivors are starving for it. Many heal through finding God. What I teach totally aligns with the divine teachings. Dr. Henry Cloud will also be a great spiritual source for you. Blessings and be sure to message me at the Yourlifelifter page or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org with questions. Best Regards, Evelyn Ryan