Evelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter
I am going to start this article with the following excerpts from the description of the mission and vision at the Yourlifelifter Facebook Page. You will see in a moment why.
“Yourlifelifter is a specialized healing and information center for narcissistic abuse survivors and others seeking emotional freedom.”
“Yourlifelifter was founded by Evelyn Ryan, a Certified Professional Life Coach, ACE-Certified Health Coach, abuse recovery expert, author, businesswoman, mother, researcher, master problem solver, and a survivor who has a passion for truth.”
“Evelyn uses her skills and knowledge gained from over 20 years of study on abuse, emotional health, and personality and pain disorders and 35 years of experience as an authority in solving problems in high risk industries to get to the SPECIFIC root causes of pain-addiction, faulty thinking, low self-worth, toxic shame and other repressed pain that abuse victims suffer throughout their childhood and their lives.”
“Evelyn’s personal goal is to help each and every one of us do that and to expedite and facilitate our self-discovery and recover from traumas we face in our lives in a safe environment..always with her blessings!”
“Her book, Take Your Power Back: Healing Lessons, Tips and Tools for Abuse Survivors https://yourlifelifter.com/takeyourpowerback/ was released for international distribution in November 2015.”
And, so, in this continued spirit of providing truth-based emotional healing solutions, I was inspired to share these lessons I have learned and the truth I want to share with other narcissistic abuse survivors or for that matter, “anyone seeking emotional freedom” before, during, and after the 2016 campaign and election for the President of the United States.
Anyway, my shock turned pretty quickly to acceptance that the Republican candidate could win (was disappointed in the pollsters though) and I focused on learning more about the mental state of the community members at Yourlifelifter and the citizens of the United States that would cause them to vote for who is to me clearly a potentially dangerous pathological narcissist and who had been exposed as one by the experts and even Plato who warned everyone a few thousand years ago of their threats to Democracy. So, I delved into the political scene to learn more which is totally out of my realm because frankly, I always hated politics, well, I thought, until the campaign, election and the fallout tweaked my personal passion for truth. I, in this journey, especially focused on how people with differing opinions treat each other and how narcissistic abuse survivors (over 15,000 at Yourlifelifter) would respond to an unqualified charismatic rich pathological narcissist running against a powerful bright not so charismatic very qualified woman who had been in public service for many years and who had been scolded but cleared of charges for inappropriately handling her email. By the way, I was very familiar with how to handle them since I had a security clearance for over 20 years and dealt with information classification issues all the time.
So to better understand the emotional state of the United States and those at Yourlifelifter, I researched and watched hundred of videos, and read thousands of posts, news reports, articles at Republican, Democrat, Independent, liberal and conservative popular and not so popular sites on social media, magazines, news stations, television, and newspapers. I also commented personally on many that peaked my interest and I thought I could bring value to based on my unique perspective and the maturity level of my emotional healing and a person who is very experienced on the dangers of pathological narcissism and even the complexities of handling classified documents. And so, I, also, consistent with the mission of the Yourlifelifter Page (see above) that is my responsibility to ensure is met, shared fact-based information I found on the Republican candidate’s pathology related to “healing from narcissistic abuse and seeking emotional freedom” with the Yourlifelifter community.
And this is what I discovered:
- Most emotionally unhealthy and emotionally immature people, when their beliefs are challenged, become abusive and revert to hostility, covert aggression, overt aggression, disrespect, name calling, scapegoating, diversion tactics, diminishment, denigration, false accusations, lies, intolerance, all grouped together otherwise know as covert and overt abuse (in the professional healing and psychology circles).
- Most emotionally healthy and emotionally mature people show compassion, tolerance, respect, cohesiveness (otherwise called integrity of character) when their beliefs are challenged.
- A pathological narcissist in a power position who aggressively exemplifies hate and bigotry can very easily incite others to the same behaviors and can incite tyranny as Plato warned 2000 years ago.
I also concluded that what I was seeing and continue to see in real time were the same behaviors exemplified in any dysfunctional and exploitive pain- and fear-filled abusive family or organization where pathological narcissism or other emotional or character or personality disorders or moral or character deficiencies that drive group- and fear-based thinking rather than healthy individual thought exist.
I was seeing, in real time, abusers continuing to exploit the kind compassionate empathetic people no different that what existed in my family and what the over 16,000 abuse survivors at Yourlifelifter confirm daily. So my compassion for those who were being triggered and victimized did not decrease, it increased. And my healing and truth were validated because I did not fall into the group of “emotionally unhealthy and immature” people in the first bullet above. Sadly, many of my friends and family did. I knew or suspected that anyway. Its validation in their overt abhorrent behaviors, however, made this evident and painful.
Here, too, are my top three specific observations on these dysfunctional and maladaptive behaviors (that, I am sad to say, serve as a pulse on the emotional state of most people).
- Hostility, scapegoating, or covert aggression. Yourlifelifter community members and I personally experienced this numerous times and repeatedly from several people (in spite of asking them politely to stop) by simply stating the obvious such as the behaviors of the Republican candidate (reported by several experts to be a classic pathological narcissist) were triggering narcissistic abuse victims. Now, what person who has suffered from narcissistic abuse or studied it on some level, would not reasonably think this would be obvious from anyone, male or female, spouting out sexist, misogynistic, hate filled and violence promoting comments and blatant lies?
Note: By the way, these people have all been banned from Yourlifelifter since their healing goals do not align with the mission of the Page and their behaviors violate the Page’s rules of behavior that I monitor and strictly enforce.
In fact, therapist Gail Sheehy explains in her article “America’s Therapists Are Worried About Trump’s Effect On Your Mental Health” that “some 3,000 therapists signed a self-described manifesto declaring Trump’s proclivity for scapegoating, intolerance and blatant sexism a ‘threat to the well-being of the people we care for’ and urging others in the profession to speak out against him. Written and circulated online by University of Minnesota psychologist William J. Doherty, the manifesto enumerated a variety of effects therapists report seeing in their patients: that Trump’s combative and chaotic campaign has stoked feelings of anxiety, fear, shame and helplessness, especially in women, gay people, minority groups and nonwhite immigrants, who feel not just alienated but personally targeted by the candidate’s message.”
I learned quickly that the reaction to what is obvious truth to some survivors weighs heavily on the stage of their healing and the level of their emotional maturity. As therapist and narcissist abuse recovery Shannon Thomas explains,
“Part of recovery from psychological abuse is the ability to recognize future abusers quicker. It takes time to see their patterns but recovery means being able to see it. Trump was and is a psychological abuser. Not being able to recognize that in him shows that more recovery work is needed. No judgement and no shame. Just the truth in love.”
I also saw many covert aggressors who sneakily use diminishment tactics such as “show me” after you have showed them dozens of times or that they do not see it that way but literally provide you nothing to justify why they don’t see it that way. Sorry, folks, magical thinking and self-righteousness are not based on facts. Facts are neutral. Magical thinking and self-righteousness are founded on bias and your need to feed your ego that is self-serving. They are not intended to contribute to better understanding, solving problems, reconciling conflicts, supporting healing or coming closer to truth. It is what I refer to as “talking smack” and is plain BS no matter how you mask it, polish it, glitter it, or troll it. It still stinks.
2. Hate and lack of compassion abuse survivors showed toward others. I observed blatant, rampant, disgusting profanity ridden abusive and invalidating behavior from abuse victims towards other suffering abuse victims, in particular, those who are triggered and feel in danger as a result of a pathological narcissist’s candidacy, those grieving and mourning his election, and those who now are acting on their legal rights and protesting in response to the threats they feel his election pose on their and their families’ lives, freedom, and safety.
3. Prejudice of women towards women. I was dismayed, in 2016, at the high level of extreme prejudice women exemplify towards other women and especially towards minority women and women in powerful positions. I do not see, sadly, much improvement over the past 40 years as demonstrated in the Cheatham sexism studies in the military academies from 1979 that showed that over time women become more prejudiced towards women. I did observe, however, blatant, rampant, profanity ridden abusive and invalidating behavior from women towards all women including the First Lady, Secretary of State, and any woman for that matter they perceived as more educated, more experienced, in powerful positions, minorities, or who had non-traditional jobs.
These shameful truths also strengthen and validate the meaning and importance of the following healing truths that I share with you everyday and in my book Take Your Power Back that will continue to support and sustain our recoveries and personal authenticity and searches for emotional freedom:
1. There is a huge difference between righteousness and self righteousness.
Righteousness like character we work for. We are not entitled to either or to arbitrarily claim them. And the path to righteousness is the path to enlightenment, to the light. This is the path, for abuse survivors, to healing and emotional freedom. And self-righteousness we don’t work for and it is the path to personal darkness, to hate, to bigotry, etc. Why? Because self righteousness serves a weak underdeveloped ego and does not add value. It does, however, feed your weaknesses, fears and all that prevents you from finding your personal truth and becoming the best you can be. It causes you to maladapt to survive. Thinking you are right, well, just because you think it or others tell you that you are, does not make it right or safe or legal or above the law or entitle you for exemption from the standards you hold others to and condemn them for. Believing lies does not make them true. And not believing the truth does not make it a lie. That is not righteousness. It is self-righteous ego-driven indignation and exploitation. Truth is truth. This is why we have these value-adding things called knowledge, religion, education, self-improvement, principles, standards, rights, morals, ethics, rules, checks and balances, laws, tolerance, compassion, respect, and love. And we have this thing called integrity of character that we work for that we develop from honing the use of these value-adding things to become people of integrity, righteous people, enlightened people.
And why does it take work to become people of integrity, good people, people qualified for our jobs? Because we have to fight our egos, our dark sides (yes, we all have them) and peel away all those false beliefs that feed them, to get to the light, to get to the truth, to bring real value not only to our selves, but to our jobs, families, friends, children, and to our fellow Americans. Value and worthiness come from truth, not from illusions of grandeur. That is magical thinking. This is life, not the Land of Oz or Lance Burton’s or Criss Angel’s Magic Shows on the Vegas Strip, or a game show.
We have to put our egos aside and stop relying on others’ approval of our beliefs and, in stead, source validation of our worth from our own being. We must stop being fooled by glitter and move towards the light to build personal integrity and tap into our strength to attain authentic personal power. What do you think the Bible is about or why it or in fact all scriptures were written? If you do not know or are not clear, I highly recommend that you go back and study it or any of the scriptures from any religion for that matter.
2. The dark side of life, the truly evil, the snakes in suits, the wolves in sheep’s clothing are packaged as everything you ever wanted.
Why? Because they lack compassion and have to because they, unlike you, are broken and cannot ever find truth. They cannot heal and there is no cure for evil and no one on this earth has any divine power to pardon it. They lack the power and ability to become people of integrity. They cannot generate or source their own power. So they consciously and intentionally develop and use aggression and other covert and overt manipulation tactics to exploit power from others who are vulnerable to their attacks. They camouflage well their true intent and even pretend to love you to exploit you.
It takes no effort to think you are right. But it takes an inordinate amount of effort to learn the basis for what is right, know you are worthy of that truth and the joy that truth brings you. To think otherwise is equivalent in logic to thinking you are better solely because you are white, black, rich, have a degree or hang around those who do, have a title or hang around those who do, or are President of the United States.
3. Someone who thinks differently from you is not an indicator that you are right and they are wrong or they are right and you are wrong or better or worse.
- That is illogical.
- That is the basis for child abuse and adult abuse.
- That is self righteous.
- That is ignorant.
- That is the basis for bigoted thinking.
- That is the basis for hate.
- That is the basis for intolerance.
- That is the basis for fear.
- That is the basis for aggression.
- That is the basis for emotional unhealthiness.
- That is the basis for inauthenticity.
- That is the basis for physical unhealthiness and disease.
- That is the basis for evil.
4. Aggression is not power.
These are the narcissists posing as healers on Facebook pages, the pedophiles who infiltrated the priesthood, and the pathological narcissists who con their way with charisma, lies, and playing to your fears to rise to power. They are human parasites, the snakes in suits and wolves in sheep’s clothing, the glittered turds.
Evil is evil…if it looks like, if it smells like, it is. Are people all the same level of evil? No. Of course not. But evilness is like pregnancy. You are or you aren’t. And no one is immune.
Beware of glitter. You cannot polish a turd but you can roll it in glitter but it will always remain a turd and the smell lingers. And the only way to get rid of the smell is to flush it.
Truth on the other hand is like gold. It has to be worked for. It has to be mined and polished. And it may tarnish but it will never lose its true value or beauty.