Narcissistic Harm by Proxy

Evelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter

“People who sincerely care about you will actively listen and follow. Those who don’t will not. Healing is a time of self-evaluation that provides a great opportunity to clean your closet of legacy unhealthy relationships that are supporting the narcissist’s dirty dealings and preventing your healing and hindering your happiness.” 

I read frequently from viewers here and at many other sites who maintained no
contact but watching their children and friends be targeted continued to cause th-1them great fear and pain.

They also experience great pain from those they believe care about them who do not believe them or “do not want to get involved.”

Narcissistic harm by proxy perhaps?

No contact with abusers and especially narcissists is critical to healing. Narcissists, however, frequently target their own children and others you love and use them as pawns to get to you, their primary narcissistic supply. After all, if they cannot have our love and attention, why not settle for our angst, contempt and negative attention by using those we love and care about the most and turning them against us? Negative attention is attention after all, right?

What can we do to support the no contact rule for ourselves and protect ourselves AND our children and others we care about under these circumstances? Personally, this was my greatest fear for my child and my greatest challenge.

But no longer.

Here are some tips and recommendations that I use that I hope you find useful to keep you, your children, and loved ones on a path of emotional health and safety and your relationships intact.

  1. We have options and choices ALWAYS. You are no longer a victim or a target of what the narcissist COULD do in your personal relationships. You can only remain a victim or target if you continue to live in fear. There is a huge difference between REAL danger and fear of what COULD harm you. Remember always to call the police immediately if you are in any real physical danger or threat of physical harm. Use the legal system to acquire restraining orders if needed.
  1. You can also only remain a victim or target if your self-worth is not strong and is dependent on validation from others. This is no longer the case. We learn to use our compassion and empathy, what attracts narcissists to us, to benefit and protect us. Your innate emotional intelligence and new knowledge on emotional health and boundary management provide you with renewed personal power founded on new truth.
  1. The new family dynamic provides you opportunities to use your renewed personal power in your children’s and your favor. You most likely were raised in families where there were no boundaries and healthy rules of engagement or regard for your personal rights or authorities. I call this the “family amoeba,” the family glob. The glob no longer exists and has been replaced with new relationships and dynamics. Your spouse is no longer your spouse, rather the Ex. Your children are still your children. You are still the parent. Those, now, remember, are three or more DISTINCT relationships you are engaged in and that you have the right and authority to manage as you choose with newly established boundaries and the rules of engagement that support emotional health.
  1. Remember your personal power includes the ability to parent and educate your children and influence and educate your loved ones. Teach your children, friends, relatives EVERYTHING you can about narcissism and how to protect themselves from harm. This is an insipid and insidious disorder that needs to be brought into everyone’s levels of consciousness. Share with your children, no matter what their age, EVERYTHING you have learned, signs of narcissists, and especially how to manage and protect personal boundaries with everyone including you and the other parent. TELL THEM THE TRUTH ABOUT THE HARM OF ABUSE AND YOUR CHILDHOOD AND UPBRINGING. Teach them self-respect by demanding it in all your personal interactions and paying honor to your own personal rights and authorities. People who sincerely care about you will actively listen and follow. Those who don’t will not.

Healing is a time of self-evaluation that provides a great opportunity to clean your closet of legacy unhealthy relationships that are supporting the narcissist’s dirty dealings and preventing your healing and hindering your happiness.

2 thoughts on “Narcissistic Harm by Proxy

  1. Evelyn Ryan says:

    Dear Pam, Thank you for your honesty and for sharing your story. I am beyond appalled that you had to go through this nightmare alone that prevented you from healing as well as your children. Enough is enough. This is a pretty shocking account of the ruthlessness of these evil beasts and how the legal and psychological community serve as their proxies. I wish I had met you before this happened but I can reassure you that you WILL heal however your focus as you read in the book is all about YOU. Narcs are everywhere and yours is at the worse end of the spectrum. This time is now for you!!! I know others like you who have healed and as they healed so did their children and they are now thriving, happy and content. It is important to live as peacefully and as joyfully as you can. I and my daughter are examples of how we CAN heal. The narcs cannot. As you heal, so will your children. I can feel your personal power coming back and it will get stronger and stronger and stronger. Your heart and will and love for your children will prevail!! I cannot thank you enough for reading the book and for your endorsement. It was written with my own blood, sweat and tears and witnessing atrocious abuse that led to the death of my beloved aunt. So together we will heal and thrive. Please message me at the Yourlifelifter Page or email me at emr1160@yahoo.com to let me know how you are doing or if you have questions! It is very important for other survivors who will be inspired by your story. If you get chance, would you mind sharing your review on Amazon at http://www.amazon.com/Take-Your-Power-Back-Survivors/dp/1491778172 Also please check out Tina Swithin’s website at http://www.tinaswithin.com that also has a private forum where you can share your story and get support and advice. I also hope you are part of the Yourlifelifter community on Facebook. Blessings to you and your children and Happy New Year, Evelyn xo

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  2. Pam says:

    My x is a narcissist and uses my children as pawns in his sick smear campaign, he will destroy me at all cost. He makes up false allegations, calls DCFS anonymously, my children r interrogated, I am interrogated, we go to court, he lies, I fight to prove my innocence, then he goes away. Every year he ups the anti!
    Finally after over 30 trips to court, over 100 false allegations, 7 therapists (he fires them when they figure him out) a naive therapists helped him, yes they can lie so well they can trick professionals, the therapist made a report to DCFS due to what the children said as he brought them secretly to her for several weeks until they told her what he wanted them to say. At first they didn’t because it was a LIE but after his wife used QHHT which is a form of hypnosis he turned my own children against me and they made 59 false allegations against me. During the investigation he used this muse to keep my own children from me for almost a year. We were finally 1 hour into trial and he and his wife saw he was going down and he quickly told the judge I was a good mom and I should have the kids. They never want to get caught!
    That day they turned 3 angry kids over to me, he moved to VT, and we started reunification therapy! NO it didn’t stop he continued his campaign long distance trying to get the kids to move to VT. But my little one didn’t have a phone so with no contact he started remembering the horrible abuse by the dad and stepmom and started to speak out! My x realized this and turned his siblings against him so they wouldn’t be around him to hear the truth. He called DCFS again on my little one to try and take the focus off him. The judge had had it and ordered my children to have minors council. Since my daughter was still intrenched in parent alienation she told him she wants to go live with her dad, even though the therapist gave the judge a 17 page report stating my x is an abuser, and alienator, the judge still awarded my x my daughter only because she’s 17! When she moved there she was to come back every holiday, I’ve NEVER seen her again! It doesn’t matter if he’s in contempt of court narcissistic don’t care! He stopped paying child support, spousal support!
    Your book take Your Power back is one of about 40 books I’ve read since this living nightmare started and I wish I read it first!!!!!! It’s the only book one needs! Every person getting married or divorced should read it prior! Actually it should be a study guide for high school!
    Thank you, thank you, thank you! I am still trying to save (not fight I learned to stop the fight they always have to win) my daughter and trying to keep my other children from his clutches! It will never end I know that but now I know what I’m dealing with and know NO Contact! He is dead, a gray rock!

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