8 Effective Ways to Outsmart a Narcissist

Evelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter

If you are or have been in a relationship th-16with a narcissist or were raised by or among one or more, you have been traumatized by and suffered what I believe is the worst psychological and emotional abuse imaginable. The harm is immeasurable and can go on for years.

You will read over and over and over again how “no contact” is critical to your healing from the trauma and for you rebuild your destroyed self-esteem and self-worth and, for some, your broken bank accounts.

And I agree…totally. Fortunately, some of mine (yes, a herd) live far away and make it a bit easier for me.

But what about the one or ones who are not far away? What about those you have to see on a periodic or more frequent basis? What about those we must be around or those we work with and see or speak with daily or every other day or even weekly? What about those we may be in court with, at graduation, a school ceremony, or maybe even a wedding?

How do we manage those interactions? How do we make them tolerable? Should we?

I remembered at the beginning of my healing even after years of study wondering (I analyze all the time), “Can you have a workable relationship with a narcissist?”

The answer is an unequivocal, YES.


Sam Vaknin, a pathological narcissist amongst other things, and a renowned expert on narcissism, stated that you could if you learned how to manipulate him or her or them. If Sam, a self proclaimed narcissist and expert whom I respect very much said so then it must be so. After all, I have a professional relationship with Sam. Since Sam is brilliant, extremely analytical and detailed, and based on my reading thousands of pages he (and others) have written on pathological narcissism, I can only surmise he does not know exactly how. Sam does provide excellent pointers (with a narcissist’s bias) on how to deal with them but did not provide specific “how” to tips. After all, how often would a narcissist manipulate another narcissist, right? It is possible but not probable.

So I embarked on my own mission to figure out “how do I outsmart a narcissist” and here is what I discovered:

“Use them to your advantage as they use you.”

Let’s break this down a bit further.

If narcissists need adulation and attention and feed off of our energy and we know what makes them tick, why not give them what they need in selective and effective doses if and only if it benefits you or your children.

Give them a dose of their own medicine with a spoonful of sugar!

The key here is only if it benefits you and only if you are comfortable and secure in your sense of personal power.

Small mosquitoAnd if you are, then, use your compassion and emotional intelligence that made you a target of a narcissist now to manipulate them as they did us and to balance out the power, to level the playing field, per se. Use your regained personal power to tip the scales in your favor and to turn the parasite host relationship into a mutually beneficial one and one that will minimize and prevent further harm to you and your children.

th-17Oh, the narcissist will make all attempts to take something from you, no doubt. They need to in order to survive. It is their given purpose like it is a mosquito’s purpose to buzz around and annoy you. So the goal here is to minimize the harm to you and your children using psychological narc repellant.

One thing for sure, you cannot accomplish this goal by seeking revenge on them or trying to ruin him or her or his or her reputation.

I would like to caution everyone that doing this is not advisable and probably not going to be very effective in your early stages of healing when your self-power and self-esteem are diminished and no contact is absolutely necessary to ensure your well-being. This also takes strong self-resolve, focus, and discipline and good “acting” skills. While these are honed over time, you can, nevertheless, start learning and practicing them immediately. At this point strong advocacy by someone experienced in narcissism and
narcissistic abuse recovery may be warranted and can be very useful to take some of the burden off of you, minimize your contact with the narcissist, and allow you to focus on
your healing. Remember, we should never participate in an interaction that will put us or our children in harm’s way. Seek police or legal or professional action for protection immediately.

So here are eight quick and effective strategies you can use to manipulate a narcissist and help minimize the harm they inflict on you. Note, however, that the narcissists benefit as well. These suggestions are mutually beneficially and are designed to balance power and minimize and prevent further harm to you and your children. That is the key objective here.

  1. Be strategic, not revengeful.th-14

Establish clear goals with the strongest emphasis on your long term vision of emotional freedom and health rather than short term material gains, revenge, and ego satisfaction. Money and material possessions are not an indicator of success or healthy self-esteem and can be regained and earned quicker that your emotional health can heal. Money can be a powerful motivator in the interim but may do more harm longer term if it keeps you trapped and emotionally unhealthy and suffering. Be clear that your motives during “required” interactions be based solely on what benefits you and your children and supports your emotional healing into the future.

images-3Narcissists are aggressive but very predictable and you can use this to develop offensive strategies to achieve your goals and minimize harm from them. Your choice of divorce or to stop providing narcissistic supply will instill his or her wrath and they will fight to the death to win and defend their fear of shame from you exposing the truth about who they really are to those who know them and even those who do not in the courtroom. So he or she will not hesitate to destroy you and your reputation and lie about you and recruit his flying monkeys to lie about you in court. Expect this and be prepared. Stay calm and focused on long-term emotional freedom and your children’s well-being, not short term self-satisfaction and retaliation.

Retaliation and benefit are not synonymous. Do not seek revenge or ever “go after” a narcissist, or anyone for that matter. Narcissists are energy vampires and feed off of your negative energies which keeps them on the offensive and in combat mode to defeat you. Going after them can keep you stuck, as well, in reactive victimhood mentality mode that feeds your ego-based need for revenge and retaliation rather than your long-term emotional freedom and health. Revenge, in effect, directs your feeling of powerlessness to your abuser and transfers your power to him or her, power they continue to use against you and your children. The best type of revenge is your and your children’s personal and emotional healing. As you heal, your children will heal through you.

  1. Use your compassion and emotional intelligence to your advantage.

Play off a narcissist’s predictable and (yawn), yes, boring, reactions and moods. Use this knowledge to fuel your strength and develop offensive strategies. You know them better than they know themselves. Gauge their moods and meter your actions accordingly. Be careful not to overdo it. Act commensurate with what you want to achieve. Be creative. Think out of the box.

Rather than trigger their fears and aggressive offensive actions, focus on creating an illusion that the narcissist is winning. If he aggressively goes after you, do not react aggressively. Remain calm and be soothing instead. Choose your battles carefully and be willing to lose a battle to win the war. If he or she wants the furniture, for example, keep a few pieces for yourself and not only give them the rest, tell them they deserve it. No harm done, you have fed their depraved need to win, and increased the chances they will back off and moved closer to the finish line. In the mean time, make a plan to redecorate and buy that awesome furniture you want and deserve.

  1. Only interact with them on days that things are going their way.

This is when they are the most malleable. Otherwise have no contact with them. Remember that you will always be their narcissistic supply and on their off days, they will shadow their wrath on you like they did in the past. The objective is to take actions that benefit you, not cause you further harm and that keep you on the healing track with your eye on the finish line, your emotional freedom.

  1. Avoid a battle including court at all costs.

Don’t do just what your attorney or friend tells you to do to maximize your partner’s losses for your or their personal gain and to get even. Never take punitive actions or actions that “appear” punitive. Narcissists are predictable but complex and hate to lose and to be challenged, ashamed, exposed, or criticized and will fight to the death to avoid any. Never ever ever let them see you sweat or show emotions that they can construe to the court as your emotional imbalance and inability to be an effective parent. Play nice in the sand box to tip the scales in your favor. Remember your goal and keep your eye on the prize. Be creative.

A gutsy friend told her ex that legally having joint custody would be a burden on him that he did not deserve and that he could see his son whenever he wanted. This was true and she ended up with full legal custody which was in her son’s best interest. She never prevented him from seeing him which turned out to be a few visits anyway and he backed off since he perceived he had already won the battle.

  1. th-15Give something up periodically to provide an illusion that the narcissist won rather
    than challenge them to provide a strategic upper hand.

Narcissists have aggressive personalities and have to win at all costs. If they lose, you must lose. If they win, you must lose.

But you can make the situation appear as if only he won when in reality it is a “win-win” by using strategic tactics. I know people who waived hundreds of thousands of dollars of child support since money was the narcissist’s sore spot and would keep them connected to something they needed to move away from. This leveled the playing field and minimized the conflict to them and their children. The narcissists backed off. They took action that supported their goal for emotional freedom rather than revenge or personal gain. Remember to be able to see the forest through the trees you have to keep looking for and seeking the forest. Remember to keep your eye on the finish line.

  1. Pay them compliments or give them a present.

This will feed their need for attention and adulation. Even if you are in divorce or custody proceedings, they will never pass up on a compliment that they were the best at this or that. Tell them they look great, are an expert, are the smartest or whatever pushes their egotistic buttons. Be creative. Perhaps, even cook them their favorite meal or cookies. Remember that while you may believe some of this, you are insincerely paying compliments. Do this sporadically and intermittently only if you need to. Remember the elemental word here is your self-benefit not your self-sacrifice.

  1. Agree with them even if you don’t.

This “appearance” will feed their need to be right and to win. You will know the truth but he or she won’t and it won’t matter. If your conscience makes it hard for you to actively agree, then respond neutrally such as “Geeze, that is interesting. I never heard it put that way before.” Or just nod and say “ohhhh” or “I get it.”

  1. Apologize if you feel you have to in order to get what you want even if you don’t have any remorse.

Even better, tell them you made a mistake and should have listened to them. Again, this  “appearance” will play up on their need to diminish and denigrate and their need for adulation and to win.


I hope you find these tips useful.


You are not powerless to these creeps and can use your compassion and emotional intelligence that made you a target of a narcissist to turn a harmful power imbalanced relationship into a more power-balanced one that minimizes and prevents further harm to you and your children.

35 thoughts on “8 Effective Ways to Outsmart a Narcissist

  1. Mary Sullivan says:

    I was in a relationship with a narcistic man who took whatever he could. He would drink and abuse me psycholically and i would call the police only for him to return the next day. Two years of abusive behaviour got so much worse when i inherited money. They never say sorry just keep coming back to control me and manipulate. I was put into custody after coming home from work to be called all sorts of nasty names. I hit h with a cushion and a slight graze from a sequin grazed his cheek. The police came and i was put into custody for sixteen hours i could not believe it i was the victim. He never says sorry does he know how wicked he is but chooses to be cruel and hard. I lost my job as a nurse i cancelled a shift so he was destroying me brick by brick. I still suffet from anxiety i will never forgive him


  2. Jacqueline says:

    This was very insightful and so glad I happened upon this article. I just got out of a relationship with my fiancé because of some of these very behaviors. It started slow and became worse after we got engaged which was 5 months ago. The past 3 months have been extreme. What started out beautiful turned into him stonewalling me, which is completely disrespectful not to mention hurtful. I took it upon myself to give him the ring back thinking he might wake up and realize how ugly he was behaving but no such luck. Since I’m older and my last husband was bipolar suffering from extreme anxiety d/t drug & alcohol use, it made me more aware of bullcrap in other people. I’ve been divorced from that dysfunction for over 10 years now and I’m stronger because I did the work on myself to be. All this being said, I love my ex boyfriend/fiancé but I love myself more. I’m to old for games and God has blessed me with wisdom and confidence enough to know I deserve a good guy to share my life with. I had never experienced stonewalling and while researching realized he had all the personality traits of a narcissist which has explained all the constant criticism of me. I’ve been his target for a good 5 months and there is no way in hell I could live in that kind of unhealthy relationship again. If you are being emotionally or physically abused know you don’t have to take it. Be courageous! God wants the. Dry best for you and don’t ever forget you matter and you are beautiful.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Cassandra says:

    I have always had to deal with a narcissistic father,, mother, sister and now her brat kids. I have numerous health issues so it makes it hard to find a permanent job or any person that would help me. So, I am always drawn back to helping them out in order for them to help me. I wish I could use the NO Contact but cannot. I feel that would have saved me from a life of hell along with many other health issues. But I did like the article.


  4. Lemon says:

    In my experience these things always start in childhood when the brain gets wired, that is why some people use psychotherapy, hypnotherapy and meditation to rewire the brain (neuroplasticity) later on when they realise it.

    In my experience these people then often keep attracting the same sort of dynamics in their life, so that is the other problem.


  5. Lemon says:

    What I would like, and appreciate all the blogs and the books and all that, is if there is anyone on here who is interested in activism and all that, is to campaign for screening.

    Shrinks have all the tools to screen these sources (the narcs) but what they do instead is wait and see. When the target falls ill, they medicate the target while sources are roaming the streets.

    This is a difficult idea because many sources are in authority positions, so they will not want any sort of screeing introduced, why would they, they are having a field day.

    It would however be important because it is very difficult and troublesome to have to work our way out of these situations and indeed, these books are very helpful in these situations.

    Still, ultimately it is legislation and screening that needs to be introduced for things to get better. The entire planet is now in the hands of these narcs, they have infiltrated the “system”.

    So yes, this is what I think. To be quite frank I dont think it will ever happen but who knows.


  6. Mike Moore says:

    Wow, you are giving advice on how the abused to stay abused. Unbelievable. So. Just do what the abusers wants. Keep him happy and so true be concerned about the abused needs. Dangerous advice.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Lemon says:

      This adivce is not dangerous, its good. Narcissistic abuse starts with the target being in a position of dependency. Be that a child, an ill person, a prisoner, or an old person. Someone who is dependent while the narc is in an authority position.

      So getting out if this situation and the dinamics that comes with it is not a quick thing and requires a strategy. While the target gains/regains their independence, and inches away from the narc, they need to manage the situation so that they can keep themselves away from the bad energy and the energy vampire (the narc).

      This is a way to isolate the narc, and reduce the energy they drain off the target. So most certainly a good strategy for a target who is on its way out.

      Because of the dependence and how the situation usually is, the target can not usually leave all together, its a process, and a difficult one, In any case the objective is always to move away from the narc and rebuild either alone or with people who are of a higher frequency. (if we look at buddhism for example)

      If anyone wants to see what a full blown narc is like in action and when they can practically do whatever they want, you can always look at some ww2 pictures. Erosion and torture was rife.

      Liked by 2 people

    • Kelly Blevins says:

      Sometimes you can’t get away and have to survive with the narc. Survival skills are vital to staying sane. Like Evelyn said, its temporary. But temporary may be a couple years depending on the situation.


  7. Sandy says:

    I need some advice here. I am finishing up a year long divorce with a N. This man has controlled my life, isolated me from friends and family, and emotionally abused me. There were also a few incidences of domestic violence, but no police reports. We just completed a trial and he dragged my name through the mud, made false accusations, and even had people lie on the witness stand for him. He walked out with every single thing he wanted, including 50/50 custody of our daughter. The judge stated he wasn’t using the domestic violence as a factor, even though I had multiple witnesses to the event.

    Now I am trying to pick up the pieces and put my life back together. The one thing left I want is to move to another city (about 30 miles away), but he is refusing to let me. We live in a very rich neighborhood and I can no longer afford to live there. I also want to get closer to my family. He states his reason for not letting me move is because he doesn’t want my daughter to switch schools. Ultimately, I know it’s to control me and to continue to isolate me from my family. My attorney thinks the judge will not grant this request since we both have 50/50.

    So now how can I play his game? This was a hot topic in mediation and court and he kept saying he will not let my daughter move. His friends and family mean more to him than our child, and this move can put him significantly closer to them. His closest family to us is currently 25 minutes away and friends are about 30 minutes away. I am willing to give up some personal property to make him think he won again. I will compromise and give him MY cat that he desperately wants. I will even to offer to drive my daughter two and from school on the days he has her so he can get to work on time. What else can I do to win his twisted game of control? Please help and any suggestions are appreciated.


  8. Courtney S says:

    I was raised by my narcissistic maternal grandmother. She was very successful (retired USPS postmaster) and “devoted” to me as a child. Outsiders only know what a great woman she is. Her few friends are either new friends or the ones she knows out of town. She is a very active member of her LDS church. She follows their guidelines and appears to be functioning well for 66.

    What others don’t see is the criticisms. They don’t walk out of the house and first thing they hear from her is “you’re wearing THAT?”

    Her church family doesn’t see the level of control she has manipulated. I’m 28 now, but at 19 she leased me a rent house. Last year I sold it for twice what I paid, and I got nothing from it. She took it all. She successfully put me under constant lock and key, and I was too naive to realize.

    They don’t see the screaming rages when she’s proved wrong. They don’t see my missed 10th-15th birthdays because her club was meeting that weekend. Even now, my chest gets heavy and my breathing fast if something happens that I know she won’t like. I have to ask permission to include something in my wedding, if I want her to help.

    Every “selfless” deed is laced with greed and sprinkled with personal gain and envy. I am not my own person, I have poor taste if I don’t agree with hers, people will think I’m sloppy if I wear my hair a certain way. And it’s “all because I *care*, Tip” I just want what’s best for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Evelyn Ryan says:

      Hi Dear, You are safe here and are dealing with trauma from emotional abuse and invalidation and possible religious abuse as well. I assure you it was not your pain to begin with and you CAN and WILL heal. We have all been there. I was born into a herd of narcissists. My book Take Your Power Back: Healing Lessons, Tips and Tools for Abuse Survivors is a great place to start and I have tons of articles in the blog here….Just start reading. You need to be listened to and heard and to read Truth and start with self care and self compassion. This is how healing starts..step by step as you incrementally witness your healing and rescue yourself, you learn to rebuild your strength and take your power back. It is a process…a journey…a commitment of self love you deserve…God bless, Evelyn


  9. Tracy says:

    I have a narc ex who is prone to rage – deliberate timed cruel humiliations.
    He disassociated from me after a shocking incident, I went no contact immediately. Three months later he began hoovering, also frightening and unexpected he had replaced me.
    The hoovering continued via post, email, late night visits when I blocked him. ( I didn’t answer the door)
    As I grew stronger, I decided to mirror each message to lie about what I was up to these days.
    I painted a picture of my life to offer no clues. The mirroring back is interesting because these communications go nowhere, they fizzle out until he has a new idea, crossed wires, did you just call me, I’m ill, I just thought about you and so on.
    My responses are never prompt, they are always polite patronising cliches.
    The hoovering is into its third year and my weaning is paying off. I expect more each time his latest romance fails & im able to predict this which helps me Shore up.
    NPD is the most predicable personality, even the language they use seems identical.
    He proved his duplicity by hoovering me during his romances, often attempting to groom me under the nose of his latest soulmate, I was this soulmate who was being juggled.
    My favourite response about why we split, incompatibility etc, was “I think I need an alpha male” he didn’t react, his entire persona is built on the alpha male image.
    He is a coward, he can’t talk to me or apologise, he has amnesia apparently so I filled in the blank for him changing me running away & blocking him to him throwing me out & dating somebody new.


  10. lidia says:

    Reading this mader so emotional because this is what i did to save me and my children i don’t know then nothing about Narcis . I end up without nothing had to start over again but we are safe .


    Liked by 1 person

  11. Enkay says:

    As an empath and daughter of a VERY aggressive Narcisistic father, your tips are 5 star. After yearsss(I just turned 30) of fighting constantly with my dad because I refused to bend to his will like my other siblings, I have come into this wisdom thanks to discovering NPD after a 3 year relationship with a VERY covert Narcisist. The scales truly did fall off my eyes and now I have a very sharp radar for them.
    Back to your tips; my dad has a habit of withholding upkeep money from my mum and younger brother who are the only only ones still living with him. He does this often especially after my mum decided to start her own business for some independence (how dare she?!) or if any of us kids get into a class with him. Especially me.. In his mind, since he can no longer control us who are grown and out he takes it out on my mum and lil brother.
    I woke up one morning and realized that I can put my emotional intelligence to good use. After not speaking to him on phone for about 4 months just to see how long it would take him to reach out to me considering that I’d just relocated to a new city and was trying to find my feet, he responds by saying ‘How come I haven’t heard from you for so long?’ This is someone who has a phone and calls who he wants to.
    I braced myself,flatter him, apologized and said I was having issues continuing my PhD program( he claims its his idea for me to start even though I told him about it, months after I had started, in passing). He values education, likely because he didn’t have much so it’s a thing of pride for him to show off how educated his kids are.
    2 days later I’m On a flight back home spent one night where I bit my tongue and agreed to everything he said, including his opinion on my ‘evil mum’ and ‘useless’ little brother. By the next morning, he’s happily him out of half my PhD school fees. I couldn’t believe how easy it was!!
    Of course if I was living with him, I can only manipulate him on a short term basis because he tries to control every bit of our lives. Now I maintain a ‘great’ relationship with him, get money out of him and give to my mum. He’s 72 so here’s hoping his days are numbered.
    For women who are married to Narcissists, plot your way out and RUN. They suck the life out of you. It was after my ex that I really delved into psychology and realized that most of my mum’s ill health and emotional unavailability is pretty much as a result of my dad’s abuse. She got married at 15+(We’re African). 40 years of Abuse will wreck even the fittest body.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Evelyn Ryan says:

      Brilliant! That is how you turn darkness to light…and use your emotional intelligence and personal power to defuse them.

      Narcs are powerless without OUR power and use our fears, compassion, conscientiousness and false belief of powerless to manipulate us….

      It is all a big lie they manipulate us to believe to serve them.

      Once you figure them out, they are like mosquitoes….boring, annoying and will suck the life out of you and infect you IF YOUR LET THEM.

      Hang tough in YOUR truth and personal power and authenticity!

      You are amazing!

      Liked by 1 person

  12. Lynda Brenson says:

    Mine threatened to kill me twice, and then threatened to kill my dogs. Then my dog went missing. She has not been seen by one person in 6 1/2 months. I hate him for what he did to me. But the pain of losing my dog is just beyond words. Do they have the capability of killing them? Why????? And why are they untouched when they commit crimes? I don’t know how to heal from this.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Woman with an Alcoholic Narcissist Ex says:

    Evelyn, you’re scaring me…. I was reading about your thoughts on the court process and I’m concerned because I feel like sometimes litigation can’t be avoided. Especially when alcoholism is involved. My ex N who is also an alcoholic took me to court and I have simply defended myself and defeated his “dream team” pro se at every motion hearing so far. The problem is, I learned that my ex broke a federal law. So, I turned him in. He lost his 6 figure job and reputation, and like you said – things got worse. The problem is, I think litigation was unavoidable because he said he “needed to teach me a lesson” and essentially he is trying to destroy me. As for the federal law, according to the laws written on the subject, I could have been prosecuted along with him if I remained silent and didn’t turn the stolen evidence over. So my question is doesn’t a N ever get scared and conclude that the person that they cheated on and discarded isn’t worth the energy or the loss that came with their attempts to “fight till the death?”


    • Evelyn Ryan says:

      I did not mean to scare you or anyone and am just offering options that you can or cannot choose from based on your circumstances. Everyone deserves what they are due in accordance with the law, however the law does not take into consideration the nuances of our individual situations. YOU have to decide what your expectations are. You don’t HAVE to fight for anything however if you do fight then remember that the narcissists will do all they can to make you lose and battle you out till all resources are exhausted. So it is a pros cons, cost benefit game. So take everything into consideration and do not forget to consider your emotional freedom and health and that of your children. All the power comes from the mother. And you will get yours back. Make a plan on how you will do it and figure out how much you actually need and what you can afford to do on your own. Money is not everything and revenge does nothing but keep you transferring your healing power over to them. There can be no combat if you do not fight. Please check out Tina Swithin’s EXCELLENT websites at http://www.tinaswithin.com and onemomsbattle.com for more information. Best wishes and blessings to you! Evelyn


  14. Dylan Thabest says:


    I have a question my mother suffers from N.P.D (she won’t accept it , but she does) what do you recommend I shall do, she won’t let me buy shoes with my own money since they gain in value, and its obvious she wants to control me and money is a big aspect in how she looses a lot of control, when I have money, mom looses control over herself is usually what it is, how should I approach the situation? (BTW my Mom is 34 I am 14 and she believes like usually narcs do she is entitled to control every aspect of my life including my emotions and my perceiving of the world. (That I will be bullied emotionally for the rest of our relationship is clear to me but at least I want to have some advantages till I am 18 and ready to move out) -Dylan


    • Evelyn Ryan says:

      Hi Dylan, You are amazing to educate yourself as much as you have and to know as much as you do at your age. It is also important that you have someone you trust who you can rely on to discuss your feelings and to get good feedback. You will be fine. It is important too to learn how to deal with narcissists whether they are in your home or outside because they are everywhere. Bullies are everywhere and they target nice people like you just like they target me and my daughter. Being 14 is a tough age because you are at that stage where you are no longer child but not an adult either. I taught my daughter very young to deal with narcissists and she is happy and healthy and finds them annoying but she keeps the upper hand and does not let them overpower her. We did not agree on everything and still don’t and she is 20 years old now but we have a great relationship. Remember too that narcissists are not ALL BAD like good people are not ALL GOOD. Your self worth and how YOU feel about yourself are very important. Learning give and take and how to compromise are very important too. Be sure to take good care of yourself and learn how to manage boundaries without getting super angry. I have several articles in this blog. Feel free to message me questions at the Yourlifelifter Facebook page as well at https://www.facebook.com/yourlifelifter. If you email me at emr1160@yahoo.com I will send you 14 pages of tips you can use to make you feel better about yourself and take good care of yourself too. Thank you for writing and I hope to hear back from you how things are going. You are safe and cared for here. I promise. Best of luck to you! I am proud of all your hard work. Hugs, Evelyn


    • Evelyn Ryan says:

      Thank you, Julio, for the feedback. Most people find this article brilliant as well…these strategies worked for my daughter and me perfectly. 35 years as an expert in quality and strategic management have served me well and now I am blessed I can use them to serve others. Remember to always keep your eye on your objectives. BTW…humans are ALL narcissistic…we have to be to survive. Feel free to read more articles to learn to distinguish normal narcissistic behavior from pathological narcissism which is a permanent disorder in thinking that has no cure.


    • Dylan Thabest says:


      I have a question my mother suffers from N.P.D (she won’t accept it , but she does) what do you recommend I shall do, she won’t let me buy shoes with my own money since they gain in value, and its obvious she wants to control me and money is a big aspect in how she looses a lot of control, when I have money, mom looses control over herself is usually what it is, how should I approach the situation? (BTW my Mom is 34 I am 14 and she believes like usually narcs do she is entitled to control every aspect of my life including my emotions and my perceiving of the world. (That I will be bullied emotionally for the rest of our relationship is clear to me but at least I want to have some advantages till I am 18 and ready to move out) -Dylan


  15. Hurt Grandparent says:

    I have to be around this narcissist because we travel in the same circles, but I don’t have to interact with him. If he needs adoration, he can get it from any number of the other women in the room. He will not get that from me. I can look right through him as if he is not there. THAT’s what bothers him. He cannot stand that I have not run away and cowered in the corner like all his other victims. He cannot stand that I can be in the same room with him and not fall apart like all his other victims. But I’m stronger than he is. He needed me, not the other way around.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Evelyn Ryan says:

      GOOD for you! That is how you hang tough in truth and DO NOT let these powerless beings steal your power from you…shut down all your energy around him….be careful though. A scorned narc goes on character assassin campaigns. Made my day!


    • Jen says:

      Hi Evelyn,
      I concur with all the strategies you shared. I do believe if I gave up fighting for half of our assets (4 homes and a business that I don’t want) the battle would be over so much sooner. My dilemma is this: I was a stay at home mom for 13yrs of 3 boys. No degree. No family at all which means nowhere to go. I don’t care about the monthly child support because I know he’ll never pay that but I do need a place to live. I don’t even care about our business which is a million dollar company. All I want is a home and my boys. If I could have one wish come true right now it would be to be financially independent and not need one cent from that man! I started back to school at a community college this past fall. I got 2 grants. I’m in our marital home that he stopped paying for after he was served with a restraining order. The house is in foreclosure and I’m riding it out until they kick me out or a settlement which is why I’m fighting for half our homes. I need a settlement to get on my feet with my boys and because we all know he will not pay what he is court ordered to monthly. The scariest part of all this is I know that I know he has it in him to seriously harm me. He builds AR-15’s. Everyone I know tells me I need to get half of our assets and to fight it not for myself but for my boys because they deserve a home with me. I have had many share with me that they gave up everything and regret that they did. The many that did give up everything had family to go live with or received financial help from them. I was an only child. My father is dead and my mother has never been apart of my life. It’s frustrating because if I had somewhere to go I would give up everything so my ex feels like he wins. I’m curious if your strategies would change with someone like me?
      Thank you for your time.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Evelyn Ryan says:

      I am late on this response and apologize and hope this gets to Jen. Everyone deserves what they are due in accordance with the law, however the law does not take into consideration the nuances of our individual situations. YOU have to decide what your expectations are. You don’t HAVE to fight for anything however if you do fight then remember that the narcissists will do all they can to make you lose and battle you out till all resources are exhausted. So it is a pros cons, cost benefit game. And you chose to stay at home and that in itself was risky. So take everything into consideration and do not forget to consider your emotional freedom and health and that of your children. All the power comes from the mother. And you will get yours back. Make a plan on how you will do it and figure out how much you actually need and what you can afford to do on your own. Money is not everything and revenge does nothing but keep you transferring your healing power over to them. There can be no combat if you do not fight. Please check out Tina Swithin’s EXCELLENT websites at http://www.tinaswithin.com and onemomsbattle.com for more information. Best wishes and blessings to you and the boys! Evelyn


  16. Grace Prince says:

    Timely for me to read this today in making a decision in continuing probate court for my deceased brother’s estate that lived in another state.

    Liked by 1 person

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