Evelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter
Being liked, being loved, being desired, and being valued are not synonymous and ultimately in a perfect world we would all aspire to and achieve all four.
But is this realistic or possible in a world where we all are different people with different tastes, personalities, needs, hang-ups, disorders, neuroses, levels of compassion, likes and dislikes, beliefs, opinions, and goals?
More importantly, we all have different levels of self-esteem, our personal confidence and belief in our own personal worth and abilities to achieve joy and to keep ourselves safe. Our self-esteem drives our self-worth and self-respect and sets the stage for us to set and achieve goals. So, self-esteem is where I would like to focus today.
Our self-esteem fuels everything we do and directs how we perceive other things and people. If our self-esteem is healthy, we are clear on our self-worth. This means we rely on ourselves confidently for validation of our personal value because we know what we are capable of doing, know we are worthy of joy, and set goals to bring us joy that we know we can achieve. When we do not achieve our goals or are unhappy, we do not hunker down in shame and look for others to soothe our disappointments. But we do take action and thought correct or course correct or get the advice or assistance to achieve our goals and, in short, makes us feel good about ourselves. We do not take “no” for an answer when it comes to achieving our goals which sustain our joy, success, and emotional health.
So the role of other people is not to merely validate us and soothe our pain we do not think we can reliably handle. Their role is to complement us and to share our joy and personal power with. We do not need anything from them because we are self-sufficient. It is the connection with others whose truth aligns with ours that ignites us! We choose to love or be with others because their self-esteem, their truths, align with ours and we have each other’s best interests at heart. Alignment of truth including common values, goals, and levels of integrity is what makes a person desirable, likable, lovable and valued to a person with high self-esteem. And our self-esteem, reliant on our self-worth and personal integrity, are what makes us lovable to ourselves. Healthy self–esteem not only makes being liked, loved, valued and desired possible, it also helps to sustain our emotional health.
People with high self-esteem are clear on their lovability and the level of respect and honor they deserve and expect in any relationship, be it personal, family, or work. People with low self-esteem, on the other hand, cannot readily look internally for validation of their personal worth and typically are pain addicted due to abuse or trauma or possibly even suffering from something worse.
Interestingly enough, victims of abuse and the abusers themselves both use other people to soothe and ease their chronic pain. The main difference is that the narcissists and psychopaths do it offensively (knowingly with intent to harm and no remorse) and abuse victims do it innocently (unknowingly with no intent to harm). So being in a relationship with an abuser is not a relationship of alignment of truths, it is an alignment of lies and pains and needs. It is a relationship between a predator and its prey, a parasite and its host.
“Alignment of truth including common values, goals, and levels of integrity is what makes a person desirable, likable, lovable and valued to a person with high self-esteem. And our self-esteem, reliant on our self-worth and personal integrity, are what makes us lovable to ourselves. Healthy self–esteem not only makes being liked, loved, valued and desired possible, it also helps to sustain our emotional health.”
Relying on other people to define your self-worth or to soothe your internal pain is not self-esteem and will lead to emotional fatigue, chronic pain, sadness, and depression. It keeps you vulnerable to the narcissists and psychopaths, the emotional vampires who need your power and energy to survive.
The point here, folks, is that in terms of being liked, being loved, being desired, and being valued, IT IS NEVER ABOUT THE OTHER PERSON defining your acceptability and our worth. It is about you developing your own self-esteem, your own truth, gauging it accurately, upholding that truth and finding others whose truth aligns with yours.
So I am committed here at Yourlifelifter to teach you how to release your pain, build your self-esteem, take your personal power back and thrive. You can and will heal.
Narcissistic and psychopathic manipulators, emotional vampires and abusers cannot.