Evelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter

I am posting this letter I received with permission from the author that describes poignantly the power we all have to not only heal but thrive and live our authentic joy-filled lives after narcissistic abuse! I would like to thank the author personally for inspiring me and reminding me why I do what I do and trusting me with these beautiful words.

Dear Evelyn,

I ended a relationship with a narcissist last month…I am still healing the wounds of my heart and soul. I still miss him and I love him so much. However, I know what I want now and, most important, I know why I was in this crazy relationship.

My mother was a narcissist abuser and I suffered my whole life with her and never, ever, noticed that, until I got this relationship. Interesting that my ex and my mother were so alike that they used to criticize or praise each other for the same reasons. I almost married my own mother. When I think how nuts this is, oh my God, what I was going to do with my life. My main feeling after all is of gratitude.

I am deeply and forever thankful for people like you and your wise and brave page. The impact you have in our lives is tremendous and you are in my prayers, my dear, for the rest of my life. I also have to thank a professor who inspired me telling about her own experience. She posted about her life and I saw myself in her shoes. I was living what she was saying. That was so inspiring and made me spend hours and hours reading about this disorder. I also have to thank an article I read about a book called Mean Mothers: Overcoming the Legacy of Hurt by Peg Streep. I live in Brazil and this book is not available here yet, so I will have to wait to read it all, but only one page describing what the author found out about women who were not loved by their mothers (7 main consequences) made me understand exactly why I was in this relationship.

Do you know how I feel now? Free. Absolutely free of this prison! I am free from a double prison, from my mother and from him. For so long I tried to understand my fears, my doubts, my questions, my insecure and lack of confidence. For so long I thought I could help my mother. I can’t. I can’t. And I don’t have to help her, this is not my problem. I am doing everything I can to get better. After 46 years suffering attacks from my mother and 4 years proving the same poison from the man I love, I used all I had around me.

My therapist used flower remedies and aromatherapy. Some months before my breakup, I did regression therapy (not of past lives, I don’t like it, only from womb and on). I was able to heal from my fears and traumas in only 3 months of therapy. I practice yoga and meditation every day, more than once a day. The best of all is a group of friends I have, all of them women, we get together 2 or 3 times a year to spend a weekend in a hotel, doing lots of things together. We talk, we dance, we meditate, do yoga. It is a sacred feminine immersion. It is a blessing in my life and I have been doing it for 9 years. Luckily there will be one of these workshops next month, I’m counting the days to get there.

I just would like to mention something that helped somehow. Two years ago, I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me. That was when I found out about his personality disorder and all the things I had to understand about him. Meanwhile, I had the chance to forgive him, give him another chance and for more than one year, my life was amazing!! Until of course he decided to go back to attack me. I don’t regret giving him another chance, though. At that time, I had to deal with one thing only, the fact that he was not faithful. He helped me healing from this wound he left in my heart. He was amazing, he did everything he could and much more to make me feel better again. Now I have to deal with the break up. One problem at a time. Does it make sense to you? It does to me, I feel like he made it up to me. Now it is time to move on. And the reason I broke up with him, besides his personality, was the fact that I found out he was just like my mother.

Now, after 2 years getting ready for this moment, I feel first of all gratitude for this lesson I had to learn. He was the bridge I was given to cross this river of pain from not being loved by my mother. Second, I really leave him feeling peace and love for everything and everybody. I don’t hate my mother, I don’t feel any negative feeling for him. They are who they are and I have nothing to do with it. My heart is filled with peace and love, nothing can be better than this. Finally, I forgive them, how wonderful this is. But I wouldn’t have achieved this if I had broken up with him 2 years ago, I was so blind at that time, I wouldn’t have seen what I am seeing now…

Thank you so much for everything, I really appreciate your words, messages, pictures, I read everything you post. May God bless your life and all you do.

Best regards,

M. A.