Heal the World? Heal Yourself.

Evelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter

th-2We routinely have people in positions of authority in our lives deliberately and intentionally creating confusion and power imbalance to play on our vulnerabilities. Now these exploitive human parasites who I call “glittered turds” cannot announce to you and the world their true intent can they? How then would they be able to con you to let your protective boundaries down and get you to do all the work while they benefit and manipulate from you what they feel in their sick compassionless minds they are entitled to take at your and your children’s and, in fact, the world’s expense.

Read more here on how the world needs to heal and take its power back.

Yes, folks. Evil people do exist and they do come masked as all you ever wanted and they play and bank on your basic needs discussed below to do so.

images-2Do You Live from a Core of Truth or Neediness?

Are you one of the vulnerable, the “chronically needy,” or do you live from from a core of power and truth? Are you living as your authentic self and use your personal power and truth to self-sufficiently ensure your needs are met or do you codependently rely on others to define your worth?

Man, women or whoever, we all project onto others and into the world what we believe to be true even if it is a lie. It is just how our minds and bodies work. If life was easy, we would all not try very hard and we would overpopulate the world, wouldn’t we. When we live inauthentic pain-based egoic lives we actually seek out and attract others to validate our pain and our inauthenticity because living in pain has become familiar, comfortable yet maladaptive. worthy-truthThis validation becomes an addictive, easy, and appealing yet unhealthy way to soothe but not heal our pain. It also makes us vulnerable to emotional predators. The same peptides that drive chemical addictions, feed the gratifying temporary alleviation of our pain that we mistake for joy, worth, desirability or worse, love. It may be relieving in the short term but pain addiction will never sustain you because you are living a lie and your body knows it. You are living as a pain-addicted relief-seeking person not one who is living from a core of strength and joy that sustains your body as it was designed to function.

Learn more on what makes being desired, liked and loved possible

The Disordered are Weak, Aggressive and Have No Power

The personality disordered like narcissists and psychopaths have insatiable appetites. These “faulty” humans are morally and emotionally weak, lack compassion, and are not able to source their strength and joy internally and, as a result, have become human parasites who feed off of others’ power. Don’t forget that the parts of the brains of the disordered that plot and scheme and con work perfectly fine.

Learn more how emotional predators target empaths.

They learn to use aggression overtly or covertly to manipulate power from vulnerable, typically emotionally wounded, emotionally unhealthy individuals. We can see the biggest differences between narcissists and authentically good people when it comes to work, commitment, and obligation.  Kathy Krajco, a formidable pioneer in educating the world on narcissism and narcissistic abuse, describes in What Makes Narcissists Tick how the “helping professions” that supply an abundance of vulnerable prey attract pathological narcissists. Kathy cautions us to “think not only of vulnerable children in the case of teachers but also vulnerable children or grieving and hurt adults in the case of priests and ministers. Think of the vulnerable patients supplied to psychiatrists.” She also warns us about the serious problem narcissism poses in the public sector and private nonprofit institutions that use the do-gooder and moral elitist facade to cloak their true self-righteous intentions to not do good but to be “seen as doing good” and “show how good they are by pointing at someone else and telling them how bad they are.” Politics, she points out, “is an ideal arena for narcissists…the list of them who have conned whole nations to become dictators is breathtaking.”

So folks, it is all about us working very hard to become respectful persons of integrity who source our power to supply our needs. This means healing by working on our self-care and self-compassion to focus our energy on us and working hard to build the character qualities that allow us to do so and live as our bodies were designed!! Here are the five pillars of personal worth, power and authenticity that apply to all of use and that we all need to continually work on and improve to become “good” self-sufficient joyful people, parents, friends, citizens, neighbors, coworkers no matter what our creed, religion, sex, financial status, and nationality.

  1. Integrity of Character
  2. Competence
  3. Healthy Relationships
  4. Emotional and Physical Fitness
  5. Adaptability

Read more on the five pillars of personal worth, power and authenticity.

What is Authentic Human Power?

We are all members of the human race and the rules of humanity, peace, and harmony do not change because of logistics or our religions or being in the presence of toxic power hungry persons, the glittered turds who hold authority positions in our family, school, work, church, government, neighborhood, or who clean our teeth. The core to what makes us all human is the same for all because our human needs, regardless of our roots or our titles or social status, are the same and those are basic, simple:

  • Self-actualizationMaslows-Hierarchy-of-Needs
  • Self-esteem
  • Love/Belonging
  • Safety
  • Physiological

And we surely cannot satisfy these needs if we are accustomed to not having these needs supplied, believing falsely we are unworthy, or mistaking instant gratification for true joy.

People with authentic power not only are able to sufficiently ensure these needs are met but they also set and achieve goals to sustain them in the long term and pay it forward to help others achieve their needs and sustain their power as well.

So like Mr. Roberts’ mother who advised him to “look for the helpers,” you, too, look for the helpers and healers, look for the truth seekers and speakers, look for those who use their personal power and compassion authentically and work their back ends off to improve and work on their characters and who help, not exploit, others for their self-serving personal gain. And use 705466_cover_mockup1-1these “good people” as role models as people to emulate and to inspire you to work hard and take your power back, heal, and set the best examples for your children and for your fellow man. And, in turn, become one who others look up to and project back to them, real power, value, joy, authenticity to set the best example of what humanity is about so they too aspire to become self sufficient compassionate authentic powerful self-assured people of high integrity.

Unhealed pain we just transfer to the next generation and shadow on our fellow man. To heal the world, heal yourself and take your power back! That is when the magic starts!

The Natural but Parasitic Nature of Narcissists

Evelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter

ParReed_warbler_cuckooasitism is just a nifty natural adaptive but potentially harmful behavior that allows living things to benefit without have to work that hard. It is nothing more than a survival tool that allows a needy living thing to sustain itself at the expense of another. Parasites can exist between different as well as the same species and between different and the same sexes. Living things naturally and innately go through parasitic stages during development when they are dependent on others, such as their parents, to survive. In short, parasitism is just a normal part of life.

One of the most fascinating types of parasitism is “brood parasitism.” Brood parasites depend on other capable yet unaware living things to raise their young. The brood parasite manipulates the unknowing host, using camouflage such as by laying eggs that resemble the host’s in the host’s nest. I will never forget in my early animal behavior studies, the image of the cuckoo bird fledgling (whose parent lays eggs in a Eurasian Weed Warbler’s nest) being fed by its unaware host mother that is about a third of its size! The baby cuckoo actually tosses the Warbler’s eggs out of nest.

The parasite-host relationship, as the experts point out, while beneficial to the parasite damages the host since the host now uses its energy and effort to unknowingly benefit someone “unworthy” that pretends to be what it is not. Sound familiar? It should because it is exactly what pathological narcissists do to survive. The vampire stories of parasitic humans who feast on other humans preempted modern psychology that identified what are now commonly referred to as Cluster B personality disorders where malignant narcissism lies. So we now know, while the vampire stories were anecdotal, they were founded in fact. We now call them pathological narcissists and they, like vampires, are parasites, and more specifically brood parasites.

Why Are Narcissists Parasites?

In short, because they have to be and want to be. Can narcissists have redeeming character traits? Intelligence? Of course they can. But they permanently lack the qualities we as humans need to build and sustain integrity of character and meaningful healthy relationships, and most importantly compassion. At some point in their early development, they permanently lose these capabilities. Their thinking, as a result, becomes warped and disordered.

Read more here on what causes pathological narcissism.

Consequently, narcissists adapt to their disorder and like the cuckoo (no pun intended), become brood parasites in order to survive. They provide an illusion of normalcy while they stealthily manipulate others to, among other things, raise their young. It is a narcissist’s distorted method created in their disordered minds to appear “fit” and “caring” when they really are very far from it. And like all brood parasites, it relieves them from having to rear their own children and frees them undetected to spend their energy as they want and on what they believe they are entitled to –  to benefit none other than themselves. This is likely part of the basis for their relentless aggressive efforts to not pay child support. Don’t forget. While, they lack compassion, the parts of their brains that plot, plan, scheme and strategize work perfectly fine. And like all parasites, they lack compassion otherwise they would not be able to do what they do because their consciences would prevent them from doing so.

Read more here on what causes pathological narcissism.

Pathological Narcissists Use Mimicry and Camouflage to Dupe their Hosts

Pathological narcissists like all parasites use mimicry and camouflage specifically charm, love, and manipulation tactics to covertly target and aggressively pursue their hosts. Essentially, it is a way for their deleterious motives to go undetected. Parasites would not be very successful if they announced their true intent or, in fact, killed their host, would they? So they become very adept at not only identifying vulnerable resourceful targets but also blending in and “looking normal” so they can “feast” undetected for long periods of time. They create illusions of normalcy and use what is familiar and appealing to most including love and marriage to exploit others, mask their true intent and benefit themselves without putting in the effort to earn them. Whom do they target? Like all brood parasites, they intentionally home in on the ones most vulnerable and unaware whom they can manipulate the easiest and benefit from the most – the overly compassionate, children, trophy husbands and wives, the dedicated, the conscientious, the best life has to offer who will provide the best supply for the longest period of time.

And while the narcissists benefit, they, of course, inflict inordinate damage to their unaware targets. If detected, like the cuckoo, they just move on to the next target (e.g. nest). They know exactly what they are doing. And like all parasites, they simply do not care.

What Can We Do?

First, we must heal and learn about narcissism, narcissists and their tactics. We must learn, in our healing, how to effectively identify and raise empathetic children and teach them to use their compassion responsibly and how to recognize narcissists so they will not be vulnerable to them. If we raise narcissists (that is out of our control since compassion and lack of it are genetically coded), we have a responsibility to protect ourselves, our children and others from their parasitic tentacles. How?

By healing and managing boundaries and loving them “wisely” and reinforcing the characteristics of integrity including:

  • Honesty;
  • Compassion and Empathy;
  • Conscientiousness;
  • Humility;
  • Tolerance;
  • Trustworthiness;
  • Reliability;
  • Respect for self and others;
  • Obligation and responsibility towards self, others, and community;
  • Diligence; and
  • Morals- and ethics-based principles to guide our decisions.

Since compassion falls on a spectrum, the best we can expect is that our narcissistic children will not turn out that “bad” and have some redeeming character qualities. And our kind empathetic children will heal through us and like us, be emotionally healthy, have mutually respectful healthy relationships, not be vulnerable to the emotional predators including their own parents and siblings, and thrive.

 

 

Did the Narcissist Find Me or Did I Find the Narcissist?

Life, Health, Career Coaching

Evelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter

Others as preyI received this compelling and disturbing question from a community member at the Yourlifelifter Facebook page.

“Ok, so I have seen this mentioned here many times…the point about ‘the abuser finds us, we don’t find them.’ I figured now is a good time to ask what this means, exactly? In my case, I feel like it was on me…I noticed him in a crowd, and my subtle yet repeated glances were totally intentional…I wanted to talk to him but didn’t want to approach him. So this finally got his attention and eventually he approached me. I feel like we may never have met if not for me doing that. (of course I didn’t know at first sight what and who he was, but regardless I sort of initiated our connection).

This, among other things, has always made it even harder for me to stop questioning myself…

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What Makes Being Liked, Loved, Desired, and Valued Possible?

Life, Health, Career Coaching

Evelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter
12049632_1613466202253151_7563358611981122153_nBeing liked, being loved, being desired, and being valued are not synonymous and ultimately in a perfect world we would all aspire to and achieve all four.

But is this realistic or possible in a world where we all are different people with different tastes, personalities, needs, hang-ups, disorders, neuroses, levels of compassion, likes and dislikes, beliefs, opinions, and goals?

More importantly, we all have different levels of self-esteem, our personal confidence and belief in our own personal worth and abilities to achieve joy and to keep ourselves safe. Our self-esteem drives our self-worth and self-respect and sets the stage for us to set and achieve goals. So, self-esteem is where I would like to focus today.

Our self-esteem fuels everything we do and directs how we perceive other things and people. If our self-esteem is healthy, we are clear on our self-worth. This means we rely on ourselves confidently for validation of our personal value because…

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How Living Alone and Being Single Build Emotional Health

Life, Health, Career Coaching

Evelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter

“Living alone kicks us into self-benefitting actions that build the personal stamina and skills, knowledge, and abilities that allow us to become self-sufficient and self-assured, self-reliant on ourselves to bring us joy, optimal health, and the relationships that nurture our soul. Living alone allows us to have ‘skin in the game’ of our lives and to develop character through our successes we create and our mistakes that we correct. It frees us to heal and upshift our thinking so our beliefs that we are worthy of joy drive our choices not our avoidance of pain!”

Learning to enjoy living alone and being single is one of the most effective ways to build and sustain your emotional health.

th-15Learning to do so is tough. However, you are well worth the effort and here’s why.

Most of us were raised in unhealthy environments that lead to our emotional unhealthiness, neuroses, and low self-worth. We have not developed our abilities to…

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CHANGE YOUR LIFE! Get Your Better You Bundles for Good: 60 Courses and 75 Books for Under $100. Worth over $6000!!

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GET FREE “CHANGE YOUR LIFE” E-BOOK

DInline imageo you want some great practical tips and advice on how to improve your life from many top personal development experts?

You can download the FREE ebook “Change Your Life!: Experts Share Their Top Tips and Strategies for Reaching Your Highest Potential” by clicking the link below and signing up to the mailing list.

Click Here to Get the Ebook

There are many great personal development tips from dozens of authors and course creators. I’ve included my own best advice as well. I’m sure you’ll get a lot of value from the book.

The free ebook is part of the Better You Bundles for Good promotion at the end of July. There will be dozens of courses and ebooks, worth thousands of dollars, all for one low price. If you’re serious about becoming your best self, you won’t want to miss this opportunity. The Better You Bundle only lasts for 4 days so make sure you check your emails to be notified of the sale.

The best part is that 25% of the proceeds from the sale are going to support Courageous Kitchen, a charity helping refugees in Bangkok. As little as $100 per month can get a family off the streets in Thailand, so we can make a big impact with this promotion.

Here is the link for the ebook again:

Enjoy the book!

Together we heal! Together we thrive!
 
Evelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter

 

Register here for FREE “Change Your Life!” E-book

Dear Yourlifelifter community members,

I have great news! I will be sending you a free “Change Your Life!” e-book on July 17th that you can share with your friends and families too!

I am very honored and excited to be asked to be part of the Bundles for Good campaign that shares these amazing lessons and resources to support world-wide health and wellness.

The free “Change Your Life!” ebook will have many great personal development tips from dozens of the nation’s top self-help authors, healers, and course creators.

I’m sure you’ll get a lot of value from the free ebook that includes my own best advice as well. 

If you want a free copy of this amazing book register HERE.

I will send you a link around July 17th to download the book and other amazing resources as well.

Thank you always for your support and participating in this amazing world wide healing campaign!

Together we heal! Together we thrive!

Evelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter

 

 

 

 

The Five Pillars of Personal Worth, Power, and Authenticity

Life, Health, Career Coaching

Evelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter

I would like to share these nine profound truths with you. But before I do, I would like to caution you that based on your level of cognitive dissonance and level of healing and emotional health, I guarantee they will either trigger you to partially or vehemently agree or disagree with some or all of them.

  • Aggression is not power.
  • Having money is not power.
  • Fear is not power.
  • Alleviating fear is not power.
  • Self-righteousness is not power.
  • The value of one year of experience 30 times over is not equivalent to the value of 30 years of experience.
  • Thinking you are competent does not make you competent.
  • Believing lies even by a majority does not make them true or valuable.
  • Being comfortable or familiar with an idea or a belief does not indicate its truth or value.

At a minimum, I hope these motivate you to think and…

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Why Personal Growth and Development Take Hard Work and Guts

Evelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter

knowbetter do betterWe all have the capacity to acquire wisdom and integrity of character if we work for them. In fact, the human body was designed to do exactly that. We are the happiest when we are setting and achieving goals. Normal functioning people work hard to not only acquire wisdom but also to understand they are deserving of the value it brings. They not only look for opportunities to improve and grow, they embrace them.

How We Can Hinder Our Own Growth

We can easily get “stuck” in our character development and emotional development and maturity when we are blinded to opportunities that will benefit us. We may not set and achieve goals because we may not believe we can achieve them or are worthy of achieving them. Opportunities for learning that can bring much value and personal growth and development are lost. What are these barriers that can blind us and prevent us to become the best we can be? Here is a list of some of not all of the common ones we all frequently deal with:

  • Comfort with status quo
  • Familiarity/normalization of discomfort/dysfunction
  • Fear
  • Laziness
  • Egoic needs
  • False beliefs related to personal power
  • Skewed perception
  • Lack of resources
  • Lack of a support system
  • Need for acceptance
  • Character disorders
  • Low “selfs:” Low self-worth, self-esteem, self-confidence, self-respect
  • Too much shame

12744552_10153491263859895_1023025528576497643_nHow Faulty Thinking Sabotages Our Happiness

Once our souls are nourished, we feel complete – happy – content – valued. We know how being liked, loved and desired makes us feel. We set and achieve goals because we know how achieving them makes us feel and that we are worthy of the outcomes. However, too much emotional toxicity or pain along with distorted thinking can starve the spirit for nourishment and exceed the pain threshold our brains were designed to handle. We get stuck in a pain seeking and pain avoiding state rather than use the experiences to benefit ourselves. We become emotionally malnourished. And when our souls are not nourished or are depleted such as from abuse, overwork, and invalidation, we feel trapped, inadequate, and become unhappy, emotionally fatigued, depressed, sad and, even worse, traumatized.

Read more on nourishing our souls.

starving soul hungerFaulty thinking about our power and worth can cause us to routinely choose one harmful experience over another rather than focus on pursuing joyful ones we deserve. We then learn to survive with less than reliable skills, knowledge and abilities that we replace with self-gratification and superficial relationships. While these may bring immediate relief and temporary satisfaction, they do not contribute to long term sustainable happiness or personal growth and they do not help to build self-reliance. The mind and spirit will become traumatized and malnourished and you will become emotionally fatigued, exhausted, stressed, or depressed. The brain has remarkable plasticity but it is not good at spontaneous healing.

When our souls are routinely starved, we also run the risk of three things:

  1. Believing falsely we are the source of the ensuing pain and discomfort; and/or
  2. Blaming something or someone else for them; and/or
  3. Feeling unsafe in our own bodies.

All harm us more because they cause us to feel more pain and stop us from taking action that we need to learn from and that nurture us and sustain our joy. You cannot heal at the same level of thinking that causes your chronic emotional pain. Sustained emotional stress also results in more physical damage to the body because the human body is comprised of integrated interdependent systems. The neurological system is connected and interrelated to all the body’s systems, hence, healthy body, healthy mind and vice versa. In essence, when you mess with nature, you mess with your own divine authentic and integrated design. To be happy we have to learn and embrace a healthy life style that includes not only our physical fitness but also our fitness related to our achievements and relationships and our emotional health.

Learning to become the best we can be is a life long process and take hard work and courage. Read more on authenticity and building character in The Five Pillars of Personal Worth, Power, and Authenticity.

How Do We Convert Work to WisdomST-21-1_-1

Notice that all of the items in this list above relate to perception of pain, fears, and discomfort and one’s ability to deal with them. So this is why it takes hard work and courage to build character and to heal, to change, to adapt and to be able to source and build your authentic personal power.

We convert our work and our efforts and our discomfort into lessons of wisdom that we use to drive our decisions and beliefs and chisel our characters that we source for power and resilience to set and achieve goals that we are confident we can attain and are worthy of attaining.  Making mistakes along the way and course and thought correcting are how we develop and mature our personality and character qualities and the corresponding belief systems on which they rely. So the integrity of our beliefs impacts our character and vice versa. This is how we become who we were put on this earth to be and how we learn to integrate into society, work, and relate to ourselves and others in healthy ways. In the process, we learn to develop, rely, build, and sustain our authentic power and draw on it confidently when any challenge that warrants it arises. This “process” allows us to act on our legal rights and free will to pursue unhindered what makes us happy.

We muston-healing-cropped-jpg not only work to acquire wisdom. We must work to take down the barriers that lie to us and tell us falsely we are unworthy of better and are powerless to the barriers or to whatever triggers our pain. Yes, we should have been taught to deal with these emotional unpleasantries in childhood so we had a mature and effective toolkit of coping skills we could pull from to deal with adversity, however, unfortunately many of us, and I would say most, were not. Our own emotions can go haywire and become toxic. We, instead, maladapted and unknowingly learned to sabotage our own health and happiness.

Remember. When we know better and that we are worthy of the knowledge then we do better. This is also why working to build self-worth and self-compassion, which many of us are unfamiliar with and in childhood may have even been punished for or discouraged from learning, can open the flood gates to healing and personal growth and development.

You can read more here on why self-compassion and self-care are so important to emotional health.

 

 

 

 

My Thoughts on President’s Day: It’s Time for the World to Heal Its Pain

Evelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter

“If you lack the values or the integrity of character on which the Constitution was founded, its value will have no meaning to you, but its power will.”

th-7Humans, all humans, are designed to be the happiest when we are acting on our free will and setting goals and working towards achieving them. In fact, to achieve any goal, we must deal with the obstacles as well as take advantage of opportunities and freedoms afforded us. Some obstacles of course are harder to deal with than others and new ones can pop up all the time. Some obstacles are much more obvious that others. No one is exempt from values or the value attained from acting on our free will. It is part of being human and our divine design. To be free to pursue life, liberty and happiness, we cannot have obstacles that prevent us from pursuing them. Our forefathers were very well aware of these obstacles and put in place provisions to minimize them.

Why Does the Constitution Exist

This is why the Constitution and laws exist – to uphold the values on which they were founded and constructed that were being threatened by those whose beliefs and values conflicted with those supporting our right to live our lives as they were intended, the ones we were put on this earth to live. So while the Constitution and the history of its evolution are long and complex and its value proven, the message behind it is simple and clear: “If you lack the values or the integrity of character on which the Constitution was founded, its value will have no meaning to you, but its power will.”

“If you lack the values or the integrity of character on which the Constitution was founded, its value will have no meaning to you, but its power will.”

The founders of the Constitution may not have known what character disorders were but they knew wellabraham-lincoln-power-quotes-nearly-all-men-can-stand-adversity-but-if-you-want-to the characters of those who coveted the power of virtuous people acting on their free will and the level of harm these seedy characters could inflict.

Read more here on the pandemic of pathological narcissism across the world.

This is also why it is paramount in a democratic republic to have a government for all people and led under the competent leadership of representatives who possess integrity of character, moral standing, and the mental capacity to be able to uphold and defend it so the value of the Constitution and our laws are not compromised, are not threatened by the character deficient who infiltrate it to parasitize its power. This is also why we have a system of checks and balances that currently is being tested to the maximum that includes the media, branches of government, and oversight with continuous vetting and monitoring to ensure we are all doing our parts to support and defend the integrity of the Constitution with due consideration for the safety and security of the people it protects.

The Onus Is on Us

Those who came before us and those who gave up and give up their lives to defend us ensured our ancestors’ rights to life, liberty, and to pursue happiness and ours and our families’ well-being and futures as well. They paved a path and took down the obstacles for us. We are obligated to do the same in spite of the current obstacles. It is not for the values or principles of the Constitution to change, the onus is on us to change and develop what is needed to uphold those values and principles!

Our government and the laws on which it is founded exist to eliminate “unacceptable uncertainty” so they can successfully ensure the life, liberty and happiness of everyone, minimize chaos, and uphold the principles of democracy across the globe as they were intended. They exist to sustain our power and strength and improve it, not take away from it or exploit it to serve individual who cannot source their own. This is why evil people want to eliminate them or diminish their value.

This is how life works in a democratic republic. It takes hard work and obligation to pursue life, liberty and happiness and to maintain the right to do so. They do not come free because evil components of society exist who intentionally exploit all the benefits without working for them. It takes hard work to be a good person, to be a competent person and a responsible citizen in a great country ruled by a value-based system and to be worthy of living in one. It takes hard work to be emotionally healthy and not be vulnerable to emotional vampires who steal and con power from others.

Threats Can Be Invisible

th-2Threats can be front and center but they also can invisible and even cloaked! They can be right in front of your noses without you being aware of them. We cannot solve problems at the same level of thinking that created them and we cannot solve them with aggression or turning a blind eye and doing what is familiar or comfortable or what “feels good,” and what instantly gratifies us, letting our fears or egos or ignorance direct our decisions. We do solve problems, however, by relying on reason, critical thinking, facts, education, curiosity, exploration of conscience, a moral compass, hard work, and doing the right thing for all. We survive by developing tolerance and adapting and learning what needs to be changed and develop the abilities including the integrity of character and coping strategies to change.

Don’t be fooled by glitter.

The biggest immediate threat to our Constitution and our laws and our government right now are covert terrorists, the ones who do not have the integrity of character, competence, moral compass, and mental capacity to survive in a value-based world and want to exploit all they can from it to benefit themselves. These include the domestic terrorists who con their way into powerful political positions, their cronies and all those who voted for them, support them, defend them and don’t have what it takes to be part of this amazing nation and its great people as well as foreign threats who cannot generate their own power and believe in their distorted minds they are entitled to steal it from others. These include our own fear-based citizens who rather than be obligated to responsible citizenry, turn on their own children, neighbors, and friends to alleviate their own pain.

if-you-dont-heal-your-painWanting and believing you are entitled to all the benefits of life and a great nation without working for them is not what this great land is all about. If you think you are entitled, then think again. You are worthy of better. Your children and grandchildren deserve better. We all are worthy of and deserve so much better.

Truth and personal power are not an illusion.

Explore your consciences!! It is time to heal and take your power and your country back! We are obligated to all those who came before us and to our family and children and our children’s children to do so. If we do not heal our pain, we just transfer it to the next generation.

Useful Tips to Identify Toxic People in Your Life

Evelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter
th-4I write frequently about the damage of narcissistic abuse in families and the pandemic of pathological narcissism across the world. I am also committed to help people not only heal from narcissistic abuse but also protect themselves from the immeasurable harm from toxic people, relationships, and environments. In fact, these lessons are pretty easy to learn especially when people come to understand how weak and powerless and detectable toxic people really are.
You can expect toxic people to be covertly or overtly aggressive in nature yet weak in character. Instead of working to build wisdom and the abilities to sustain themselves, they have learned how to play on people’s trusting nature and compassion to steal power from them they cannot source themselves. In relationships, these narcissistic personalities use love as their camouflage. They want all the benefits of friendship, families, marriage and having children without working for them as well. Sadly these “master manipulators” and emotional predators are everywhere and have moved beyond the dysfunctional family and have infiltrated the medical, spiritual, teaching, healing and political arenas where they (under the radar) are committing horrendous crimes and doing immeasurable damage. Read more here. 
Why resort to such depravity? Toxic people who are character disordered individuals have lost the capacity to adapt normally to life. They are broken and rather than become self-sufficient, learn to depend on other people to supply them what they cannot and do not want to supply themselves. And, so, like all parasites, these emotional vampires have developed covert “combat” tactics to successfully “sneak in” and fool people to get them to let down their boundaries and give up what they are targeting to take from them. They are personality disordered and want all the benefits all “normal” people work for without earning them. They only want to work for things they feel entitled to have and benefit themselves. They do not care how their actions impact other people. They lack compassion and empathy and the ability to love not only others including their own children but their own selves as well.
images-2The Devil Comes Cloaked as Everything You Ever Wanted
There are huge differences in value between 24, 18, 14, and 10 carat gold, gold filled, gold dipped, fool’s gold and glittered turds, however on the outside they all can be made to look equal. Emotional vampires, of course, know this. They use camouflage to avoid being exposed and to pass themselves off as virtuous, loving, caring, competent people, the proverbial “wolves in sheep’s clothing.” They like normal people do not honestly ask you to donate or give to them what they need because their appetites are insatiable. They cannot verbally announce their true intentions to their hosts, can they? Instead they have developed strategies to steal your time, money, adulation, attention, stature, credit and whatever they need and want from you and feel entitled to. They have developed a portfolio of manipulation and covert aggressive “combat” tactics to exploit, con, take, steal whatever they need to function and cannot supply and do not want to supply themselves or work for. A parasite to be successful cannot tell you it is going to parasitize and prey on you, can it? And like all parasites, they use effective camouflage and stealth so by the time you discover them, unfortunately, the damage is done. You have been infested. You have become depleted of useful resources or even emotionally fatigued or worse, traumatized.
However, pathological narcissism is an all encompassing character disorder with common identifiable patterns of behaviors you can learn to readily ientify. This makes these emotional predators very vulnerable to detection and exposure.
Tips to Identify Emotional Vampires in Your Life
Others as preyAs mentioned, emotional vampires have learned to be effective thieves in order to survive, however, in reality they are very predictable and easy to detect if you know what to look for. With practice you can hone your “narc radar” and become less vulnerable to their attacks and less attractive as a target.
Here are 15 simple and very effective tips to help you identify their manipulation tactics and distinguish authentically virtuous and competent people from the emotional vampires who exploit power, value, credit, attention, or whatever they need from you. Remember, too, that narcissism like virtue falls on a spectrum so some will be worse than others. The more you practice these tips and refine your”narc radar,”the less vulnerable you will be to toxic influences in your life and the more you will be able to optimize your emotional health and relationships.
1. Go by your gut. If your instincts tell you something or someone is too good to be true or something is off, trust them first. Better to be safe than sorry.

2. Look at how hard they work to build their skills, knowledge and abilities. One year experience 30 times over is not equivalent in value to 30 years experience and a 10th grade education is not equivalent in effort or value to a Bachelors, Masters, PhD, medical or jurisprudence degree. Check out their “professional credentials.” Do these people continuously work to learn new skills, knowledge and abilities that bring value to others? Do these people work on self management skills? Do they honor others’ accomplishments? Diminish them? Envy them?
3. Gauge their “virtue” by comparison. Look at how hard they work compared to others who you know for sure are people of virtue, competent, qualified, credentialed.
4. Look closely at their actions and do not assume their intentions, like yours, are good ones. Fact check! Look at the concrete evidence of what they deliver, contribute and the effort they personally put in to create the deliverables and contribute to the overall goal. Do they take credit for other’s work, efforts? Do they attempt to “glitter turds” to make them appear more valuable and important than they truly are? Ask them to show you the evidence. Do they deliver any?
5. Assess how they treat you all the time even when you are in need. How do they treat you when you are not in a position to do anything for them such as when you are sick or ailing or grieving or in physical or emotional pain? Do they offer to help you?
6. Do they encourage and support others who need help and who are learning?
7. Look at how they treat people who provide services and who do not have as much stature or authority they do. Do they denigrate or diminish these people? Are they respectful? Do they treat all people with different authorities and economic stature with the same level of respect?
8. Compare what they take in terms of other’s time, energy, resources, attention to what they give, work for, donate, contribute. Are these fair, balanced, consistent?
9. In meetings or in groups, look at how much attention they are taking and how respectful they are of other people and ensuring others have an equal voice and are given credit for their contributions.
10. Look at their actions and the consistency of their actions and not just focus on what they say or how they say it. Narcissists learn to fast talk and use “word salad” to confuse others and make themselves appear more valuable than they really are.
11. Assess how you feel when you are around them? Nourished? Energized? Depleted? Confused? Listened to? Gratified? Validated?
12. Look to see if their words, actions, and beliefs align and are founded in morals, ethics. Are they honest, consistent, truthful? Do they walk the talk or just say what others want to hear to get the reaction, attention, and adulation they seek? Do their actions and words at home reflect their actions and words outside the home?
13. Look to see if their words, actions, and beliefs are logical. Do they listen and encourage questions and are they able to answer them in a logical, complete, accurate, defensible manner? If they do not know the answer, do they say so and offer to get the answer for you? Do they talk about topics they are qualified to speak about? Do they say the same thing repeatedly but in a different way? Do they state the obvious? Do they repeat what you or others say and just change a few words? Do they change the subject to take over the conversation and to a topic they want to discuss?
14. Do they follow up on commitments and promises? Are their promises and commitments false, hollow?
15. Assess how they handle constructive criticism and feedback. Are they receptive and tolerant or defensive and critical of comments, suggestions, questions, differing opinions?

Any less than positive response to any of these tips can be a warning of a toxic person, however the more negative responses increase the likelihood of not only a toxic person or environment but also exposure to character disordered individuals such as pathological narcissist(s). Whatever the case, you can learn more here on how to deal with toxic people and here on how to manage boundaries with them more effectively.

 

The World Needs to Heal and Take Its Power Back

Evelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter

“The fabric woven by our forefathers that sustains our livelihood and supports our collective happiness and emotional and physical fitness are unraveling. The needle on the moral and ethical compass that supports them has been replaced with a pain- and fear- based one. So rather than use and improve the system that sustains and nurtures us to be our best and soothe and relieve our emotional pain, we desperately are exploiting it to fill gaps in our psyches. We have become a savage aggressive pain based people who exploit others for power and validation rather than authentic self sustaining people who source them internally within our own selves. We have become saboteurs of our own happiness.”

Others as preyAbuse of power, exploitation of people’s fear and pains, and violation of their basic human
rights are the bases of wars. No where is this message more evident than in the United States where these depraved yet human qualities led to the evolution of its Democratic political system, Constitution, Bill of Rights, and governmental structure. They all were founded on the premise that we are born with inalienable rights to pursue life, liberty and happiness with due and much consideration that we had to live in a collective society and were interdependent on each other and were differing and fallible emotional humans with common and, yet, diverse needs. The fundamental goal was to create peace and harmony from chaos by improving the thinking that creates the chaos. Our laws provided a way to manage the chaos and risks associated with being human and living together civilly not savagely.

the-more-powerful-you-areHowever, the fabric woven by our forefathers that sustains our livelihood and fuels our collective happiness and emotional and physical fitness is unraveling. The needle on the moral and ethical compass that supports them has been replaced with a pain- and fear- based one. So rather than use and improve the system that sustains and nurtures us to be our best and soothe and relieve our emotional pain, we desperately are exploiting it to fill gaps in our psyches. We have become a savage aggressive pain based people who exploit others for power and validation rather than authentic self sustaining loving and lovable people who source them internally within our own selves. We have become saboteurs of our own happiness.

“We cannot engage in mutually beneficially dialogue and have mutually beneficial relationships if we see others of our kind as prey.”

15542103_1865236083711339_1752394264640839557_nWe are a world in crisis with a pandemic of emotionally unhealthy and pain-filled people who are not able to source their worth and strength from their own selves. We have a pandemic of reactive codependent people who need to source their strength and worth from others and are parasitizing each other for emotional relief. We have become an emotionally unfit aggressive and angry world whose maladaptive thinking and behaviors are causing extreme chaos that if not addressed will lead to our self-destruction. No where has this been demonstrated more than during and after the United States Presidential campaign and election.

Learn more here on lessons learned on the emotional state of humanity during the U.S. Presidential campaign and election.

We need to “get back to the basics” and heal and rebuild the moral and ethical foundation that supports development of integrity of character  in our children as young as possible and stop promoting pathologically narcissistic disordered characters and codependent wounded ones who lack the character, personal fortitude and self-worth to sustain themselves.

Read more here on the Five Pillars of Personal Power, Worth and Authenticity

Read more on the pandemic of narcissism across the world.

imagesWe cannot benefit by moral-, ethics, principle-, and Christian-based laws that support our rights and sustain our collective livelihood if we lack the character that obligates and motivates us to believe in and consciously live by them and compassionately support others in their quests to do the same. We cannot do so if we see others of our own kind as prey to exploit to serve us rather than as equals with the same rights and freedom and we coexist with, depend on and work with to sustain our futures.

705466_cover_mockup1-1If we do not get rid of our pain, we just transfer it to others and to the next generation and teach them to depend on others rather than their own selves to alleviate it.

The world needs to heal and takes its power back!

I cover much more on how to heal to source your own power and worth in my book Take Your Power Back: Healing Lessons, Tips and Tools for Abuse Survivors.

 

The Five Pillars of Personal Worth, Power, and Authenticity

Evelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter

I would like to share these nine profound truths with you. But before I do, I would like to caution you that based on your level of cognitive dissonance and level of healing and emotional health, I guarantee they will either trigger you to partially or vehemently agree or disagree with some or all of them.

  • Aggression is not power.
  • Having money is not power.
  • Fear is not power.
  • Alleviating fear is not power.
  • Self-righteousness is not power.
  • The value of one year of experience 30 times over is not equivalent to the value of 30 years of experience.
  • Thinking you are competent does not make you competent.
  • Believing lies even by a majority does not make them true or valuable.
  • Being comfortable or familiar with an idea or a belief does not indicate its truth or value.

At a minimum, I hope these motivate you to think and pull the thread on why or why you do not relate to them. Why should you care? Because these are the core (corrected) irrational beliefs we are taught to believe that skew our perceptions of our and others’ personal power and self-worth. These are the primary beliefs that impact our emotional and relationship health and our self-esteem. They also are what attract us to and make us vulnerable to abusers, exploiters, con artists and other power imbalanced relationships. In short, these are the primary beliefs that support our joy, health, and happiness.

Why are Personal Power and Worth Important to Survival

Our minds and bodies were designed to function interdependently and optimally if they are properly nourished and maintained.  And conversely, they do not function optimally if one or both are not. As described in the article, “The Damaging Effects of Living An Inauthentic Life and How to Change It,” by Tracey Crossley, living inauthentic lives just like physically abusing or neglecting our bodies cannot sustain us because our bodies were not designed to function that way. We are fighting nature by fooling ourselves and what will nature do? It will rebel and when it does, the consequences can be severe and for some irreversible. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. So when you do not supply to the body (or mind) what it needs to function properly, it will attempt to take from somewhere else.

c8201dd7ec25ba33ef0f4148c07a5d9bSo if you do not provide the body and mind the proper nourishment they need to survive
or you take in too many toxic substances or stress your body or mind beyond what they are designed to do, they cannot develop or function normally and visually, you look bad and physically and emotionally, you feel bad. You become physically and emotionally unfit. Now for a while, the liver or body systems that are being taxed will filter out the crap and your natural defenses will take over until wham! You have overtaxed them and they no longer are able to filter out the garbage faster than it is coming in or you have strained that vertebrae or ligament or muscle as far as it can be stretched. You experience emotional and physical pain. These are the cues that what you have been putting in the body is not sufficient to nourish and sustain it and you need to stop doing what you are doing and course correct. So you could take an aspirin or an antacid or put on makeup or get false teeth or take high blood pressure medicine or cholesterol medicine that will mask the damage and temporarily relieve and sustain yourself, nevertheless until you provide your body the proper nutrition to care for it and ensure its works as it was designed, something will continue to give and you will continue to risk being at some level of pain and suffering.

The Mind can be Overtaxed and Malnourished as Well

Too much emotional toxicity or pain along with distorted thinking can starve the spirit for nourishment and exceed the pain threshold your brain was designed to handle. Once our souls are nourished, we feel complete – happy – content – valued. We know how being liked, loved and desired makes us feel. We set and achieve goals because we know how achieving them makes us feel and that we are worthy of the outcomes. And when our souls are not nourished or are depleted such as from abuse, overwork, and invalidation, we feel trapped, inadequate, and become unhappy, emotionally fatigued, depressed, sad and, even worse, traumatized.

Read more on nourishing our souls.

You cannot heal at the same level of thinking that causes your chronic emotional pain. Faulty thinking about your power and worth can cause you to routinely choose one harmful experience over another rather than focus on pursuing joyful ones you deserve. The mind and spirit will become traumatized and malnourished and you will become emotionally fatigued, exhausted, stressed, or depressed. The brain has remarkable plasticity but it is not good at spontaneous healing.

When our souls are routinely starved, we also run the risk of three things:

  1. Believing falsely we are the source of the ensuing pain and discomfort; and/or
  2. Blaming something or someone else for them; and/or
  3. Feeling unsafe in our own bodies.

All harm us more because they cause us to feel more pain and stop us from taking action that we need to learn from and that nurture us and sustain our joy. Sustained emotional stress also results in more physical damage to the body because the human body is comprised of integrated interdependent systems. The neurological system is connected and interrelated to all the body’s systems, hence, healthy body, healthy mind and vice versa. In essence, when you mess with nature, you mess with your own divine authentic and integrated design. To be happy we have to learn and embrace a healthy life style that includes not only our physical fitness but also our fitness related to our achievements and relationships and our emotional health. Read more here.

11181914_1036211003078281_1768561301739565816_n

Nothing of Value Comes for Free

Nothing of value comes for free!  If it did, we would be born normally functioning adults and illnesses and suffering and crime would not exist. What is truly powerful brings authentic (not perceived) value to ourselves and others based on living an authentic life we earn through hard work! Let’s explore this.

We are all born with inherent value and power but they need to be developed, matured, nurtured, unleashed, released and shared and then their worth projected back to us from reliable sources throughout our lives. Others’ reliably revealing the worth of our actions and decisions is how our personal value is validated and, conversely, how we validate others’ personal value. And in turn, this is how we, together, develop self-reliance that supports our self-worth, confidence, self-acceptance and our likability and lovability. We convert our work into wisdom that we use to drive our decisions and beliefs and chisel our characters that we source for power and resilience to set and achieve goals that we are confident we can attain and are worthy of attaining.  Making mistakes along the way and course and thought correcting are how we develop and mature our personality and character qualities and the corresponding belief systems on which they rely. So the integrity of our beliefs impacts our character and vice versa. This is how we become who we were put on this earth to be and how we learn to integrate into society, work, and relate to ourselves and others in healthy ways. In the process, we learn to develop, rely, build, and sustain our true power and draw on it confidently when any challenge that warrants it arises. This “process” allows us to act on our legal rights and free will to pursue unhindered what makes us happy.

12744552_10153491263859895_1023025528576497643_nHow Do We Maximize Our Personal Power and Self-Worth

Well, we not only have to work hard to develop personal power and worth, but we also have to ensure the depth and breadth of our experiences and the accompanying challenges they offer us. The harder and more varied the challenges, the more valuable the lessons. The more valuable the lessons, the higher the integrity of our beliefs and character and the better our decision making and thinking abilities become. We also learn in the process how to rely comfortably on our emotions as gauges of our success. It’s like building physical strength by challenging our muscles with increasing weights and varying the workout routines. Our personal strengths and worth similarly need to be worked and challenged to develop and mature. However, the environment, challenges, people, relationships and we ourselves are constantly changing. What this indicates is that we have to take risks, get out of our comfort zones, experience discomfort, and continuously work to improve and sustain our personal self-worth and our power through our lives. The Five Pillars of Personal Worth and Power allow us to comfortably accomplish this.

The Five Pillars of Personal Worth and Power15493738_1256134231092120_8754597625218914669_o

The Five Pillars of Personal Worth and Power, outlined below, include:

  • Integrity of Character
  • Competence
  • Healthy Relationships
  • Emotional and Physical Fitness
  • Adaptability

Integrity of Character supports self worth and personal power by developing:

  • Honesty
  • Compassion and Empathy
  • Conscientiousness
  • Humility
  • Tolerance
  • Trustworthiness
  • Reliability
  • Respect for self and others
  • Obligation and responsibility towards self, others, and community
  • Diligence
  • Morals- and ethics-based principles to guide our decisions.

Integrity of character is the keystone that support the other four pillars presented below:

Competence supports self-worth and personal power with continued education, acquiring professional certifications,  and learning a broad range of new skills, knowledge and abilities including:

  • Honing our goal-setting and goal-achieving abilities;
  • Honing our thinking abilities;
  • Honing our decision making abilities;
  • Honing our self-management skills;
  • Maintaining our proficiency.

Healthy Relationships. Building and working on mutually beneficial healthy relationships including returning and receiving love, honor and respect from a core of integrity, self-reliance, self-respect, self-compassion, and self-care support self-worth, character development, and personal power.

Emotional and Physical Health and Fitness. You ensure the integrity of the vessel that delivers and sustains our joy and happiness by:

  • Working to ensure your body and mind work at peak performance to support the other Pillars;
  • Setting and achieving goals that bring you and others joy;
  • Working to rely comfortably on and to manage your emotions especially your fear-based ones.

Adaptability. Being accepting and resilient to change and to things you cannot change support personal value and power by:

  • Staying informed on the rapidly changing local, national and international environment;
  • Assessing the changing environment, relationships, and needs of yourself and others and adapting your character, competencies, goals, and beliefs accordingly;
  • Becoming tolerant of things you cannot change;
  • Changing the things you can change.

12717178_1106384129394301_4392202345465028527_n-1Why Do People Want Other People’s Power

We know continuous hard work, dedication, and obligation to not only ourselves but to others and learning to deal with diverse challenges build personal worth and power that make us the “best we can be” and that bring us joy. What this means is that no one can acquire personal power and value by stealing them or pretending to have them. Believing so is irrational. Emotionally unhealthy people who are envious of all that authentic personal power can offer them, however, will try. These are the ones commonly referred to as thieves, exploiters, parasites, emotional vampires, con artists, grifters, users, posers, sociopaths, psychopaths, pathological narcissists, thugs, punks, and incompetents.

People, who try to routinely steal other people’s power and provide illusions of power, like the anecdotal Wizard of Oz, in short, are broken individuals. These are the chronic abusers we see in power imbalanced relationships. Most suffer from personality disorders and some from arrested development and have distorted thinking and diminished capacity to engage in normal relationships. They fallibly believe they are entitled to all the benefits of society without working for them and to steal other’s power, to be viewed as valuable, and to be adulated. These are the humans whose thinking is severely faulty and who maladapt. Rather than grow, mature and learn to work to become “human” and source joy internally, they learn to con the vulnerable into believing they have real personal power (listed above) by creating an illusion they have it rather than authentically working for it. In short, they become frauds. They try to “glitter turds” that cannot be polished to provide an illusion of personal power and value to dupe their victims and hide their core of self-loathing and toxic fear of shame. How do they do this?

They lie, manipulate, groom, misrepresent facts, sugarcoat the truth, steal, con, commit fraud, self-aggrandize, scapegoat, create illusions, and pull whatever they need to from their portfolio of combat tactics because they do not have the strength of character, competence, emotional health, and adaptability they can rely on to authentically bring value. They take the easy way out and prey on the power of vulnerable individuals and predominantly empaths rather than develop and internally source the strength their bodies need to exist. They live inauthentic pain-avoiding codependent lives from a weak core with limited personal value rather than authentic joy-seeking independent ones with authentic and sustainable personal value and power. They, sadly, become human parasites who covertly prey on other humans for their power and life’s benefits simply because they want to and do not care whom they harm in the process.

images-2Dr. George K. Simon, a preeminent expert on manipulative aggressive personalities and author of the best sellers In Sheep’s Clothing, Character Disturbance, and The Judas Syndrome confirms that narcissistic personalities can work very hard and can spend inordinate amounts time and energy working purely to get something they want. But putting the same amount of energy into finding or keeping a legitimate job, a personal relationship, taking care of a sick family member, demonstrating the loyalty and consistency necessary to be considered for advancement, or making the investment in personal self-development to merit consideration for more advanced positions are completely different matters and very unattractive enterprises to them. They want all the benefits of marriage, for example, without having to work for them or earn them! Dr. Simon emphasizes that narcissists resist working to become better human beings more than any other kind of work. So even when it comes to respect and love and admiration, they want to come by them in the same manner as everything else  – without having to earn them.

Truth and Personal Power are Not An Illusion

Evelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter

imgresTruth and personal power are real and they are attainable. But to attain them, takes hard work, work that we turn into wisdom that we use to drive our decisions and beliefs and chisel our characters that we source for power and resilience to set and achieve goals that we are confident we can attain and are worthy of attaining.
However, coming into truth and being able to source personal power are not easy. If they were, everyone would have them or sell them. They can’t so what they do instead is pretend to have them to manipulate and steal other people’s power from them. The dark sides of our psyches and the dark sides of humanity want ALL the benefits of humanity without working for them. They believe they are entitled to them by creating illusions of imbalanced power that they use to exploit people.
To get you to believe lies and that illusions are true is easy. Magicians do it all the time. To steal your power from you, I just have to convince you that you are powerless to your pain and only I have the power to alleviate it. I can con you to think I am powerful by acting aggressively that triggers your fears, for example. Why? Because most of us have been conditioned to let our fear based emotions overpower us and to rely on others for our strength rather than sourcing it from within our own selves. We have been taught to believe lies to serve others who trigger our pains and who we falsely believe have the power to alleviate it.
All of this is a big fat lie!
magic-llusion-truthBut to influence you and motivate you to NOT believe lies or illusions or to not be manipulated by con artists, takes very hard work. It takes “skin in the game of life.” It takes authenticity and real personal power. Let’s look at intelligence and good looks and being born into privilege, three things we are born with and do not have to work for as it applies to this lesson.
What value do good looks, intelligence and being born into privilege, on their face value, bring to you or to the world?  None, absolutely none, zip, nada. Now let’s look at how we can use and leverage these 3 free things, looks, brains and privilege, we do not work for, to build and bring real value to ourselves and to the world.
Here are some 7 obvious examples:
  1. Go to college and, maybe, graduate school and gather 4 or more years of knowledge and take out a loan that you pay back (even if your parents can afford to pay your tuition and room and board in full)
  2. Get a job while you are on campus to contribute to your own livelihood.
  3. Start at an entry level position in a company to learn the fundamentals that you can leverage and grow from through your career and work your way up the ladder to gain the qualifications and certifications required to demonstrate competence.
  4. Become a model and then brand your name and build a business that you are the CEO of.
  5. Start a fund raising organization or volunteer your time including your skills, knowledge and abilities to raise funds to the organization.
  6. Set a good example on the value of work ethic, education, knowledge, and hard work for your children, others in your life, and for society.
  7. Emphasize to your children that looks, brains and privilege they received for free and bring them with you to support your fund raising interests, give them chores, and/or encourage them to find their own “cause” that they routinely work for to support.
Now, what do Numbers 1 through 7 above, that build and bring real value to the world, have in common?
THEY ALL REQUIRE HARD WORK. They all require “skin in the game” of life.
What about those who want all the benefits of the hard work it takes to accomplish Numbers 1 through 7 above, those who think in their disordered minds they are entitled to all the benefits without working for them? You know who I am talking about. The ones who sell you swamp land in Florida? The ones who con you like any common thug or punk or fraud? The ones who call your house and pretend to be IRS tax collectors? The ones who start smear campaigns on Facebook and Twitter when their egos can’t handle the truth or when their fraudulent practices such as false universities are being exposed?
th-2And conning you is much easier than you think! It is very easy for anyone to provide and sell an illusion of grandeur by sprinkling glitter on turds to get you to think they are gold. And when they do, then it is even easier for them to camouflage their truly evil intent and continue to lie to and play you and tell you to ignore whenever they do something that does not align with that image of value and power (e.g. Like the Wizard of Oz’s “pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”). And then you will continue to believe the lies and ignore the truth to believe what you are comfortable and familiar with believing even if they are all lies and the smell lingers?
THESE ARE THE MANIPULATION TACTICS ALL FRAUDS AND CON ARTISTS USE TO BAMBOOZLE YOU. 
So how do we protect ourselves, take our power back, and overcome the “illusion?”  Well, by accessing and addressing our own fears and repressed emotional pain, the blinders to truth and learn to rely on our own authentic personal power. To heal and to really mature as human beings and to become enlightened and to become authentic, we must address our inauthenticity that make us vulnerable to illusions created by emotional vampires who cannot generate their own power. We must, as Carl Jung reminded us, turn our darkness to light. And to turn the darkness to light we must access our darkness that we are familiar with but that does not serve or sustain us and continues to do our children, our relationships and the society or world in which we live in continued harm.
Is this easy? Hell, no. But I assure you we all are worthy of the self-sacrifice. Let’s break this down.
worthy-truthThere is a huge difference between coming from a core of truth and self reliance and coming from a core of lies where you need assurance you and what you believe are worthy and the purpose of other people including your own President, friends, partner, spouse, neighbors, and children is to provide relief from your own pain and fears you cannot regulate on your own. To do the latter, is living a lie and is serving the dark, the evil side of your psyche and of life. It means you are not living as you were designed. You are living to prevent pain rather than to achieve what you know you deserve and are worthy of. This also means the bases of all your relationships, thoughts, and actions rely on lies and you are always coming from a core of neediness rather than self-reliance. You are vulnerable then to mistake aggressiveness for real power and let it trigger your repressed pains and fears of powerlessness that you continue to hide from than address. Most significantly, this means you are vulnerable to exploiting and being exploited by others and you are likely to become hypocritical and one of those we all know that provide an illusion of grandeur and goodness to the world or to your church, employer, or community but live a totally different life behind the closed doors of your home, the ones who try to fool people by camouflaging their true intent with “goodness glitter.”
So how do we come into truth and become authentic? By challenging our beliefs and by self-sacrificing for our own well being. It does not mean that we, carte blanche, serve what is popular or comfortable or familiar, but that we serve what is righteous. This means we work every day to achieve a level of emotional fitness and integrity of character that supports and sustains us so we do not have to expend our life energy to provide an illusion of glittered goodness to prove to the world we are what we are not to prove our worth. This means we direct that truth-driven energy images-1towards us and convert it to effort and self-sacrifice to heal and become better and authentic human beings. This means we challenge and fight for and defend those who do not have the strength to defend themselves against those who exploit them for their own personal gain. This includes our children, the defenseless ones we bring on this earth and whom we have the responsibility to validate and love unconditionally and show the path and teach the means to find their own light. This means we work for and earn the respect, integrity of character, and benefits that other truly righteous people work for and earn. And we teach our children the same.
This is how we turn darkness to light and this is how we break the cycle of intergenerational abuse and the pandemic of pathological narcissism across the world. We start now to work to take our power back and become value-adding authentic people with integrity of character and stop being exploited by and stop exploiting others with illusions to the world that we are.

Healing Lessons Inspired by My Neighbor’s “Knock on My Door”

Evelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter

One of my neighbors (I will call him Joe) knocked on my door yesterday. I had not seen Joe or his wife for a few months. I was very happy to see him although he caught me in my pajamas. However, I soon found out that it was not a cordial visit.

Joe came to see me because he was suffering. He had been responding to and trying to help and comfort people he cared about who like him, were sad, fearful for themselves and their families, and who felt, during the U.S. Presidential campaign and after the U.S. Presidential election, their livelihood, safety, security, and freedoms were being threatened. Driven by his own compassion and generous heart, he had triggered his own repressed pains and fears from an abusive childhood and now he was feeling powerlessness and defenseless and sad. He was suffering and in emotional pain and was ashamed of his feelings. He did not want to burden his wife or children with his pain. He came to me for solace, help, and advice.

Now, mind you, he is a very powerful and proud over 6 foot tall more than 220 pound man who put his pride aside to reach out for assistance. I am humbled that he trusted me to feel free and comfortable to do that and I expressed this and acknowledged his courage for doing so. And so I listened and he listened to me as we shared our truths and our stories of our pasts, our pains, our children, marriages, our fears, our joys and our survival, successes and our love for our country and our families and our passion for truth.

And this is what I discovered. That our truths aligned. That even though we were of different races, sexes, ages, marital status, educational levels, and raised in opposite sides of the country and different neighborhoods and socioeconomic backgrounds and careers, that are beliefs and characters were more similar than they were different and this is how:

  • Our values and beliefs aligned and that we were driven by the same passions to help others and to raise our children to become the best they could be in a country that would allow them the unhindered freedom to do so.
  • We were both grateful for knowing each other and being neighbors we could trust.
  • We both are resilient and in spite of what some would consider insurmountable obstacles, we both had filled our hearts and souls with gratitude, wisdom, and truth and developed a moral compass to guide, shape and chisel our characters.
  • Our mutual respect for one another was founded on the likeness of our moral and ethics based values and principles.
  • We both believed we have to earn and work for respect and credibility and trust and are not entitled to them because of our monetary status, title, ego, color, clothes and shoes we wear, socioeconomic status, or beliefs.
  • Our love for our children and their happiness and our mutual respect between our children and us bring us the ultimate joy and validation and empowerment.
  • Our proudest and most joyous moments are to raise children with high self worth who are pursuing high level goals because they know they can achieve them and are worthy of achieving them, are happy self reliant hard working individuals who stand authentically in their own personal power and will not hesitate to deal effectively with anyone or anything that threatens to get in their way or attempts to exploit them.
  • That we had experienced profound betrayal in our childhoods and adulthoods and that had experienced similar levels of pain from both.

However, sadly, I also discovered that we are at different levels of emotional healing. Joe had not accessed, addressed, and healed his repressed childhood pain that was now rearing its ugly head to come back and haunt him. And so I reminded him to take his power back and shared these healing truths, that I detail in my book, Take Your Power Back with him that he confirmed applied to his situation and committed to work on.

  • While he was no longer a defenseless child, he needed to tap into his healing power by accepting his childhood powerlessness to his abusers and hold THEM accountable for his pain. He was a child and a victim. He was not responsible for his abuse. He was born lovable and has been exploited and betrayed by those who did not even come close to responsibly love him unconditionally, nurture his needs, and keep him safe and secure (the same responsibilities he had honored as a parent).
  • He has the power to heal and that his childhood pain along with his false belief of powerlessness and defenselessness was making him believe irrationally that this truly powerful and righteous man and wonderful loving father, husband and neighbor were powerless and defenseless to his emotions.
  • He has the power and worthiness to replace his shame of betrayal from his abusers with self-care and self-compassion and to parent himself with the same love and compassion and respect he shares with his loved ones and on which he parented his own thriving children.

And in validating and sharing these truths and our life lessons, we validated our compassion for others and our passion to help others come into their own truth. And we were reminded that in spite of the hate and bigotry incited and fears triggered by recent political events, that when we unite with others whose truth founded in righteousness, compassion, and a moral compass aligns with ours, that is when the magic, love, respect and healing start. And Joe and I both parted company smiling and grateful for knowing each other and being neighbors.

 

Profound Lessons on Humanity and Healing after the United States Presidential Election

Evelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter

I am going to start this article with the following excerpts from the description of the mission and vision at the Yourlifelifter Facebook Page. You will see in a moment why.

“Yourlifelifter is a specialized healing and information center for narcissistic abuse survivors and others seeking emotional freedom.”

“Yourlifelifter was founded by Evelyn Ryan, a Certified Professional Life Coach, ACE-Certified Health Coach, abuse recovery expert, author, businesswoman, mother, researcher, master problem solver, and a survivor who has a passion for truth.”

“Evelyn uses her skills and knowledge gained from over 20 years of study on abuse, emotional health, and personality and pain disorders and 35 years of experience as an authority in solving problems in high risk industries to get to the SPECIFIC root causes of pain-addiction, faulty thinking, low self-worth, toxic shame and other repressed pain that abuse victims suffer throughout their childhood and their lives.”

“Evelyn’s personal goal is to help each and every one of us do that and to expedite and facilitate our self-discovery and recover from traumas we face in our lives in a safe environment..always with her blessings!”

“Her book, Take Your Power Back: Healing Lessons, Tips and Tools for Abuse Survivors https://yourlifelifter.com/takeyourpowerback/ was released for international distribution in November 2015.”

And, so,  in this continued spirit of providing truth-based emotional healing solutions, I was inspired to share these lessons I have learned and the truth I want to share with other narcissistic abuse survivors or for that matter, “anyone seeking emotional freedom” before, during, and after the 2016 campaign and election for the President of the United States.

I14590244_10209543650764202_2014186074771513787_n have always known, based on my decades of research on pathological narcissists, that the Republican candidate for President of the United States and now the President elect is a pathological narcissist. I actually thought it was a joke when I saw him running for office and I was beyond shocked when he was selected as the Republican candidate. I was not shocked, however, when top psychology experts in the world, for moral and ethical reasons, put their reputations on the line and other countries stepped forward to warn the world of his pathological narcissism and compared him to other authoritarian dictators and fascists like Hitler, Ceausescu, Mussolini, and Mao Tse Dung. And if you study the history of democracy, you well understand why all authoritarian narcissists are able to come into power. I explore this in much more detail in Terrorism, Politics, and the Pandemic of World-Wide Narcissism. You can also read more here on Plato’s views on tyranny and what threatens a democracy.

Anyway, my shock turned pretty quickly to acceptance that the Republican candidate could win (was disappointed in the pollsters though) and I focused on learning more about the mental state of the community members at Yourlifelifter and the citizens of the United States that would cause them to vote for who is to me clearly a potentially dangerous pathological narcissist and who had been exposed as one by the experts and even Plato who warned everyone a few thousand years ago of their threats to Democracy. So, I delved into the political scene to learn more which is totally out of my realm because frankly, I always hated politics, well, I thought, until the campaign, election and the fallout tweaked my personal passion for truth. I, in this journey, especially focused on how people with differing opinions treat each other and how narcissistic abuse survivors (over 15,000 at Yourlifelifter) would respond to an unqualified charismatic rich pathological narcissist running against a powerful bright not so charismatic very qualified woman who had been in public service for many years and who had been scolded but cleared of charges for inappropriately handling her email. By the way, I was very familiar with how to handle them since I had a security clearance for over 20 years and dealt with information classification issues all the time.

So to better understand the emotional state of the United States and those at Yourlifelifter, I researched and watched hundred of videos, and read thousands of posts, news reports, articles at Republican, Democrat,  Independent, liberal and conservative popular and not so popular sites on social media, magazines, news stations, television, and newspapers. I also commented personally on many that peaked my interest and I thought I could bring value to based on my unique perspective and the maturity level of my emotional healing and a person who is very experienced on the dangers of pathological narcissism and even the complexities of handling classified documents. And so, I, also, consistent with the mission of the Yourlifelifter Page (see above) that is my responsibility to ensure is met, shared fact-based information I found on the Republican candidate’s pathology related to “healing from narcissistic abuse and seeking emotional freedom” with the Yourlifelifter community.

And this is what I discovered:

  • Most emotionally unhealthy and emotionally immature people, when their beliefs are challenged, become abusive and revert to hostility, covert aggression, overt aggression, disrespect, name calling, scapegoating, diversion tactics, diminishment, denigration, false accusations, lies, intolerance, all grouped together otherwise know as covert and overt abuse (in the professional healing and psychology circles).
  • Most emotionally healthy and emotionally mature people show compassion, tolerance, respect, cohesiveness (otherwise called integrity of character) when their beliefs are challenged.
  • A pathological narcissist in a power position who aggressively exemplifies hate and bigotry can very easily incite others to the same behaviors and can incite tyranny as Plato warned 2000 years ago.

Read more on why America’s therapists believe the emotional pain Trump has caused presents  a real and present danger for a national mental health crisis.

I also concluded that what I was seeing and continue to see in real time were the same behaviors exemplified in any dysfunctional and exploitive pain- and fear-filled abusive family or organization where pathological narcissism or other emotional or character or personality disorders or moral or character deficiencies that drive group- and fear-based thinking rather than healthy individual thought exist.

Read more here on dysfunctional families and intergenerational abuse. 

Read more here on Plato’s views on tyranny and what threatens a democracy.

I was seeing, in real time, abusers continuing to exploit the kind compassionate empathetic people no different that what existed in my family and what the over 16,000 abuse survivors at Yourlifelifter confirm daily. So my compassion for those who were being triggered and victimized did not decrease, it increased. And my healing and truth were validated because I did not fall into the group of “emotionally unhealthy and immature” people in the first bullet above. Sadly, many of my friends and family did. I knew or suspected that anyway. Its validation in their overt abhorrent behaviors, however, made this evident and painful.

Here, too, are my top three specific observations on these dysfunctional and maladaptive behaviors (that, I am sad to say, serve as a pulse on the emotional state of most people).

  1. Hostility, scapegoating, or covert aggression. Yourlifelifter community members and I personally experienced this numerous times and repeatedly from several people (in spite of asking them politely to stop) by simply stating the obvious such as the behaviors of the Republican candidate (reported by several experts to be a classic pathological narcissist) were triggering narcissistic abuse victims. Now, what person who has suffered from narcissistic abuse or studied it on some level, would not reasonably think this would be obvious from anyone, male or female, spouting out sexist, misogynistic, hate filled and violence promoting comments and blatant lies?

Note: By the way, these people have all been banned from Yourlifelifter since their healing goals do not align with the mission of the Page and their behaviors violate the Page’s rules of behavior that I monitor and strictly enforce.  

In fact, therapist Gail Sheehy explains in her article “America’s Therapists Are Worried About Trump’s Effect On Your Mental Health” that “some 3,000 therapists signed a self-described manifesto declaring Trump’s proclivity for scapegoating, intolerance and blatant sexism a ‘threat to the well-being of the people we care for’ and urging others in the profession to speak out against him. Written and circulated online by University of Minnesota psychologist William J. Doherty, the manifesto enumerated a variety of effects therapists report seeing in their patients: that Trump’s combative and chaotic campaign has stoked feelings of anxiety, fear, shame and helplessness, especially in women, gay people, minority groups and nonwhite immigrants, who feel not just alienated but personally targeted by the candidate’s message.”

Read the entire article here on why America’s therapists believe the emotional pain Trump has caused presents  a real and present danger for a national mental health crisis.

I learned quickly that the reaction to what is obvious truth to some survivors weighs heavily on the stage of their healing and the level of their emotional maturity. As therapist and narcissist abuse recovery Shannon Thomas explains,

“Part of recovery from psychological abuse is the ability to recognize future abusers quicker. It takes time to see their patterns but recovery means being able to see it. Trump was and is a psychological abuser. Not being able to recognize that in him shows that more recovery work is needed. No judgement and no shame. Just the truth in love.”

I also saw many covert aggressors who sneakily use diminishment tactics such as “show me” after you have showed them dozens of times or that they do not see it that way but literally provide you nothing to justify why they don’t see it that way. Sorry, folks, magical thinking and self-righteousness are not based on facts. Facts are neutral. Magical thinking and self-righteousness are founded on bias and your need to feed your ego that is self-serving. They are not intended to contribute to better understanding, solving problems, reconciling conflicts,  supporting healing or coming closer to truth. It is what I refer to as “talking smack” and is plain BS no matter how you mask it, polish it, glitter it, or troll it. It still stinks.

2. Hate and lack of compassion abuse survivors showed toward others. I observed blatant, rampant, disgusting profanity ridden abusive and invalidating behavior from abuse victims towards other suffering abuse victims, in particular, those who are triggered and feel in danger as a result of a pathological narcissist’s candidacy, those grieving and mourning his election, and those who now are acting on their legal rights and protesting in response to the threats they feel his election pose on their and their families’ lives, freedom, and safety.

3. Prejudice of women towards women. I was dismayed, in 2016, at the high level of extreme prejudice women exemplify towards other women and especially towards minority women and women in powerful positions. I do not see, sadly, much improvement over the past 40 years as demonstrated in the Cheatham sexism studies in the military academies from 1979 that showed that over time women become more prejudiced towards women. I did observe, however, blatant, rampant, profanity ridden abusive and invalidating behavior from women towards all women including the First Lady, Secretary of State, and any woman for that matter they perceived as more educated, more experienced, in powerful positions, minorities, or who had non-traditional jobs.

705466_cover_mockup1-1And these shameful truths empowered me and invigorated me even more to continue on my life’s healing work and my efforts to promote women because they showed me how much healing not only abuse survivors need but ALL people need. They also showed me how little people know about the pandemic of pathological narcissism and its dangers as well as the dangers their own personal dark sided thinking impose on their own, their children’s, and everyone’s welfare and well-being and on peace and harmony in the world.

These shameful truths also strengthen and validate the meaning and importance of the following healing truths that I share with you everyday and in my book Take Your Power Back that will continue to support and sustain our recoveries and personal authenticity and searches for emotional freedom:

1. There is a huge difference between righteousness and self righteousness.

Righteousness like character we work for. We are not entitled to either or to arbitrarily claim them. And the path to righteousness is the path to enlightenment, to the light. This is the path, for abuse survivors, to healing and emotional freedom. And self-righteousness we don’t work for and it is the path to personal darkness, to hate, to bigotry, etc. Why? Because self righteousness serves a weak underdeveloped ego and does not add value. It does, however, feed your weaknesses, fears and all that prevents you from finding your personal truth and becoming the best you can be. It causes you to maladapt to survive. Thinking you are right, well, just because you think it or others tell you that you are, does not make it right or safe or legal or above the law or entitle you for exemption from the standards you hold others to and condemn them for. Believing lies does not make them true. And not believing the truth does not make it a lie. That is not righteousness. It is self-righteous ego-driven indignation and exploitation. Truth is truth. This is why we have these value-adding things called knowledge, religion, education, self-improvement, principles, standards, rights, morals, ethics, rules, checks and balances, laws, tolerance, compassion, respect, and love. And we have this thing called integrity of character that we work for that we develop from honing the use of these value-adding things to become people of integrity, righteous people, enlightened people.

hope

And why does it take work to become people of integrity, good people, people qualified for our jobs? Because we have to fight our egos, our dark sides (yes, we all have them) and peel away all those false beliefs that feed them, to get to the light, to get to the truth, to bring real value not only to our selves, but to our jobs, families, friends, children, and to our fellow Americans. Value and worthiness come from truth, not from illusions of grandeur. That is magical thinking. This is life, not the Land of Oz or Lance Burton’s or Criss Angel’s Magic Shows on the Vegas Strip, or a game show.

We have to put our egos aside and stop relying on others’ approval of our beliefs and, in stead, source validation of our worth from our own being. We must stop being fooled by glitter and move towards the light to build personal integrity and tap into our strength to attain authentic personal power. What do you think the Bible is about or why it or in fact all scriptures were written? If you do not know or are not clear, I highly recommend that you go back and study it or any of the scriptures from any religion for that matter.

Read more here on why people are evil.

2. The dark side of life, the truly evil, the snakes in suits, the wolves in sheep’s clothing are packaged as everything you ever wanted.

images-2Pathological narcissists are slick. Why? Because they have to be otherwise they would not be able to survive. They pick from a well honed bag of manipulation tricks including charm to deliberately and intentionally feed your ego, your false pride, your need to be right, your fears, pains, apprehensions, weaknesses, and your vulnerabilities. Charming smack talking pathological narcissists that have infiltrated all walks of life including the priesthood, religious organizations, politics, and “do-good” organizations do not nurture your soul. They exploit it. And they thrive in chaos when everyone is distracted by and focused on coping in desperation with their fear and powerlessness.

Why? Because they lack compassion and have to because they, unlike you, are broken and cannot ever find truth. They cannot heal and there is no cure for evil and no one on this earth has any divine power to pardon it. They lack the power and ability to become people of integrity. They cannot generate or source their own power. So they consciously and intentionally develop and use aggression and other covert and overt manipulation tactics to exploit power from others who are vulnerable to their attacks. They camouflage well their true intent and even pretend to love you to exploit you.

th-7We live in a democratic republic, remember folks, and we all have inalienable rights to use our free unhindered will to pursue life, liberty, happiness and our own personal truth. But the manipulators, the disordered, the weak and fearful, and truly evil on this earth exploit you for their personal gain and they use charm and glamor and love and will tell you everything your ego, your dark side, needs to hear and will do anything they have to con you into giving up your power and get your adulation and attention from you. They want all the benefits that the righteous can provide without working for them. They prevent you from acting on your free will. They manipulate and exploit you and muck with your legal and inalienable rights. And after they use you for their personal gain and for what they cannot and do not want to supply themselves and consume all they can from you, they will sell you and even their own children for a nickel.

It takes no effort to think you are right. But it takes an inordinate amount of effort to learn the basis for what is right, know you are worthy of that truth and the joy that truth brings you. To think otherwise is equivalent in logic to thinking you are better solely because you are white, black, rich, have a degree or hang around those who do, have a title or hang around those who do, or are President of the United States.

3. Someone who thinks differently from you is not an indicator that you are right and they are wrong or they are right and you are wrong or better or worse.

Serenity-Card01If you think so, your ego (that is not on your side) and not your logical side of your brain (that is on your side) is speaking. People who are different from you are just different and like emotions bring color and depth to life. They improve the value of life. They are at a different stage of enlightenment than you are and like you, acting on their free will to pursue happiness, life, and liberty however way they choose. So if they trigger your fears or make you uncomfortable, they are not responsible. You are. And vice versa. And trying to prove yourself right by proving others wrong will not enlighten you or help to build character. Why? Because it serves your non-value adding ego. It serves your weaknesses and fears and prevents you from having skin in the game you need to develop the qualities that build character. It is equivalent to thinking your thoughts and beliefs are better than anyone else’s because you think them which also is self-righteous and just plain irrational. And working to become tolerant of people’s differences is what allows us to adapt, survive, live in peace and harmony, and sustain our happiness. It allows us to maximize our personal power and authentically live as we were designed based on joy not based on fears.

2007265322-spock-illogicalIt takes no effort to think you are right. But it takes an inordinate amount of effort to learn the basis for what is right and know you are worthy of that truth and the joy that truth brings you. To think otherwise is equivalent in logic to thinking you are better solely because you are white, black, rich, have a degree or hang around those who do, lie about your credentials, have a title or hang around those who do, wear a nice suit, or are President of the United States.

  • That is illogical.
  • That is the basis for child abuse and adult abuse.
  • That is self righteous.
  • That is ignorant.
  • That is the basis for bigoted thinking.
  • That is the basis for hate.
  • That is the basis for intolerance.
  • That is the basis for fear.
  • That is the basis for aggression.
  • That is the basis for emotional unhealthiness.
  • That is the basis for inauthenticity.
  • That is the basis for physical unhealthiness and disease.
  • That is the basis for evil.

4. Aggression is not power.

the-more-powerful-you-areTrue power is to stand tough in your truth, your righteousness and personal integrity (in spite of their popularity) that are founded collectively in knowledge, morals, ethics, compassion, tolerance, and love. True power is demonstrated in living from a core of self-love, self-respect, self-reliance, authenticity, and self-worth and integrity of character. True power is the ability to influence people to become better people, support them in acting on their free will, and to live in peace and harmony. True power is helping others find their truth and having compassion for them while they search for theirs and not exploiting them or scapegoating them in their time of need or projecting your weaknesses on them because your ego needs you to believe you are entitled to. That is not power. That is acting on your emotional immaturity and self-righteousness and lack of moral compass that are some of the bases for evil.

th-4Evil is what the Bible and all scriptures attempt to reconcile and describe as those who turn “light into darkness and darkness into light.” These are the personality disordered, the hate filled hypocrites, extremists, frauds, grifters, pedophiles, rapists, sexists, misogynists, con artists, white supremacists, bigots, xenophobes, thugs, punks, liars, narcissists, psychopaths, and criminals.  These are the ones who call you and pose as IRS agents and try to play on your fears to rip you off and con you. And no one from any political party is exempt from being any of these.

These are the narcissists posing as healers on Facebook pages, the pedophiles who infiltrated the priesthood, and the pathological narcissists who con their way with charisma, lies, and playing to your fears to rise to power. They are human parasites, the snakes in suits and wolves in sheep’s clothing, the glittered turds.

th-2A snake in a suit is a snake. A wolf in sheep’s clothing is a wolf. And a glittered turd is a turd. Shall we have compassion for a vampire, a leach, a disease carrying tick? Shall we have compassion for human parasites and emotional vampires who exploit others for their malintent and personal gain because they believe they are entitled to?

Evil is evil…if it looks like, if it smells like, it is. Are people all the same level of evil? No. Of course not. But evilness is like pregnancy. You are or you aren’t. And no one is immune.

Beware of glitter. You cannot polish a turd but you can roll it in glitter but it will always remain a turd and the smell lingers. And the only way to get rid of the smell is to flush it.

Truth on the other hand is like gold. It has to be worked for. It has to be mined and polished. And it may tarnish but it will never lose its true value or beauty.

How Much Do We Need to Know About Narcissism to Heal?

Life, Health, Career Coaching

Evelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter

“I strongly recommend in your healing journeys, to be discerning in your selection of truth-based information and to choose the company of truth-seekers like yourself whose healing goals align with yours.” 
~ Evelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter ~
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The legitimate healers as well as influencers, the real game changers on social media like Shannon Thomas, Kristin Walker, Melanie Tonia Evans, Dr. Lynne Namka, Ross Rosenberg, Shahida Arabi, Glynis Sherwood, Dr. Judith Orloff, Christine Louis de Canonville, Kim Saeed, etc. know that ours are not necessarily the most popular websites and Facebook pages. We understand this because most of us are empaths and truth seekers (and mostly women I may add) who share truth. We know well that truth is painful and what is painful and uncomfortable is not the most, well, “enticing.” We know that abuse survivors have been conditioned in their lives to be comfortable in their pain and especially in early stages of healing…

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Facebook and the Power of Healing

Life, Health, Career Coaching

Evelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter

thAs the owner and founder of Yourlifelifter, a healing page on Facebook and website that serve as “A Truth-Based Healing and Information Center for Narcissistic Abuse Survivors and Others Seeking Emotional Freedom,” I have witnessed first hand the miraculous healing power of social media.

th-2 Facebook and the World Wide Web have allowed me to provide a haven for the good folks to rest, heal and thrive, a family, if you will, for the authentic ones with heart, compassion, caring and who want to help other people and who also have been exploited by the narcissists and other character disordered covert aggressors who manipulated their power from them. Many of us seeking to heal have been alienated from our families of birth. The souls of many are starving for truth and Yourlifelifter is showing folks where to look and what to look for to nourish their souls.

starving soul hungerFacebook and the World Wide Web also…

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Killing the Messenger: A Closer Look at Anger

sometimesmagical

Last week in talking about forgiveness, anger and violence frequently came up. Even though I normally would do something lighter after such a heavy topic, I feel I need to cover my position on anger to try to clear up the misunderstandings. To be honest, I’m not even sure how much of this is original to me or to another psychotherapist because it’s a topic that we’ve covered in depth several times. Then again, how much of an idea is ever original to anyone? All ideas are formed based on our interactions with others. Therefore, here is my spin on what I’ve come to understand about anger through the exchange of ideas with very wise others.

I suppose if you weren’t shocked about my previous post, you won’t be shocked to learn that I’ve come to see anger as healthy. I lost count of how many times I said…

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Did the Narcissist Find Me or Did I Find the Narcissist?

Evelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter

Others as preyI received this compelling and disturbing question from a community member at the Yourlifelifter Facebook page.

“Ok, so I have seen this mentioned here many times…the point about ‘the abuser finds us, we don’t find them.’ I figured now is a good time to ask what this means, exactly? In my case, I feel like it was on me…I noticed him in a crowd, and my subtle yet repeated glances were totally intentional…I wanted to talk to him but didn’t want to approach him. So this finally got his attention and eventually he approached me. I feel like we may never have met if not for me doing that. (of course I didn’t know at first sight what and who he was, but regardless I sort of initiated our connection).

This, among other things, has always made it even harder for me to stop questioning myself and my past. He never quite fit the standard ‘profile’ of an abuser. Police, friends or family, even society in general all have this idea of what an abuser does and whenever he failed to fit that mold I felt more doubtful. For example: One idea is abusers will abuse any partner they have. Mine claimed he never abused anyone but me. And I actually believe that, given his lack of long term relationship history. So he insisted there was something wrong with me since he never did it before, and it made me question myself all the more. Why am I the first/only one he ever abused?

Did he find me or is it true that I found him?”

Here is my answer:

I assure you that you were attractive to him not solely for your physicality so much as for what you could provide him long-term and what he believed he could manipulate from you. You merely made a good target. He will do this to anyone who he feels can supply him what he cannot and does not want to supply himself or work for and feels he is entitled to take from whomever suits him.

So you were physically attracted to him? I hope so. Most of us are to our mates. You flirted. Being physically attracted to another person has nothing to do with the power they manipulate from you or your attraction to power imbalanced relationships. What do these have to do with being targeted by an abuser and being abused? 

5cfff8c5858232ba3e5cba761677b3af (1)This is a more accurate description of an initial interaction with a narcissist. They evaluate you at first as “good” prey and if they determine you are, they groom you with their practiced charm to entice and manipulate you (e.g. camouflage their true malintent) and then go in for the kill. We see similar behaviors in all predators. He wanted all you could provide him without any of the work. That could be a trophy girlfriend, a target of his sadistic ways, or helping him provide an illusion of “normalcy” to the world he wanted to maintain. It is the preplanned, predictable, routine, insidious and boring Modus Operandi (MO) of all narcissists.

A relationship with a narcissist is a predator prey relationship, a parasite host relationship. Can narcissists have redeeming qualities? Of course they can. But conning you into believing you are responsible for their abuse is obviously not one of them. It is, however, another classic example of the despicable denigration, diminishment and invalidation all narcissists covertly or overtly inflict on their victims. 

So you made yourself available by flirting? He had already been scoping you and your body language out. Your eye contact with him merely provided an opportunity to become his prey that he acted upon. It was part of his plan all along. They prefer codependent empaths who are most vulnerable to their attacks. You are not immune. No one is. After you, he will move quickly to his next narcissistic supply.

An emotionally healthy loving partner with compassion would never do this to another human being or convince him or her they are responsible for the abuse they inflict on them. Nothing toxic comes from genuine love. They are disturbed broken character disordered individuals, covert aggressive manipulators. Now he has transferred his toxic shame to you, another classic example of projection that all narcissists engage in, and has you second guessing and doubting yourself. Do you expect someone with the worst of the personality disorders and who suffers from toxic shame to admit their faults and evil nature and tell the truth? Most victims of narcissistic abuse are merely pain addicted, vulnerable to a narcissist’s attacks and merely looking for love. That is what all humans do. So now he wants you to feel shame for being human, for being you?

Profile of an abuser? What is that? Any human has the propensity to abuse, exploit, betray but not all do however all narcissists do because they have to in order to survive and they lack integrity of character and compassion. Their abuse can be covert (intimidation, gas lighting, silent treatment, withholding sex) or overt (physical, threats, physical isolation, insults). These are maladaptive coping mechanisms they start to learn in their youth typically from other narcissists and they hone through their lives.

You can learn tons more in my book Take Your Power Back: Healing Lessons, Tips, and Tools for Abuse Survivors that can help you release the shame that he has inflicted on you from his betrayal and replace false legacy beliefs and pain that prevent you from healing with truth. It includes a self-esteem work workbook that will help you immensely as well. Self-forgiveness for the innocent part we played in our own abuse is also critical to healing.

Healing is all about you, not him, and that is where your focus should be including learning their tactics so you are not vulnerable to their manipulation in the future. He will just move on to his next victim, anyway, if he has not already.

Terrorism, Politics, and the Pandemic of World-Wide Narcissism

Evelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter

“We are a world in crisis because we have not improved our wounded faulty thinking. Because we as a collective have not healed and have not effectively battled the ‘evil’ component of humanity and society who we continue to birth, promote, vote for, and allow to promulgate.”

This article attempts to answer simply the following complex questions:th-2

Why are narcissism and terrorism so prevalent in society?

Why hasn’t anything been done about them?

And what can we do about them?

Let’s look closer at the answers.

Why are Narcissism and Psychopathy on the Rise?

Narcissists and psychopaths, who are disordered aggressive human predators, have infiltrated society for one primary reason. Their emotional food supply is abundant. And like any predatory animal, when the food supply is plentiful, the population of predators rise.

Let’s explore this.th

Humans and the world have accepted that it is perfectly fine for members of our species to prey on our own children and on our own kind to serve the depraved. Being a parent, a politician, a psychologist, a President, a boss, a doctor, a surgeon or whatever does not exempt a person from being evil or having malintent. In fact, narcissists are rampant in religion, medicine and politics as is clearly exemplified in the current Presidential race in the United States and the ones we see daily who rise and have risen to power and instill mass genocides, bombings, and drive airplanes into 1000 foot towers even in spite of the warning of “never again” and “never forget” after Hitler and Nazism and the rise of other tyrannical dictators. Yes, folks. We did not even make it 50 years! Are you telling me that the world governments did not know about the potential threats? This is why we have military and central intelligence and spy satellites! I assure you they did. And the 9/11 terrorist attack in New York created world chaos and provided an environment for narcissists to thrive and, in fact, it expedited the spread of narcissism and along with it, its evil brother, terrorism.

Listen to this provocative discussion on the pandemic of narcissism with Evelyn Ryan on “Breaking It Down with Frank McKay.”

Then why didn’t they and why don’t they do anything about it? Because history does repeat itself. And like Einstein said, “we cannot solve problems at the same level of thinking that created them.” So here we are again at a time in history, where it is much easier for narcissists to rise to power and to recruit other narcissists and vulnerable traumatized adults who were survivors of childhood abuse as their proxies in their dirty dealings.

Why Is History Repeating Itself?

15542103_1865236083711339_1752394264640839557_nThe world, folks, is currently in crisis because pathological narcissism is now a world-wide pandemic because those who could stop it did nothing to stop it because, simply, they did not want to. They chose and choose to continue to fight aggression with aggression and take the same ineffective actions that have made the problem even worse. Yes. We are a world in crisis because we have not improved our wounded faulty thinking. Because we as a collective have not healed and have not effectively battled the “evil” component of humanity and society who we continue to birth, promote, vote for, and allow to promulgate.

Alice Miller, renowned author of The Drama of the Gifted Child states it eloquently in her article, “The Ignorance or How We Produce the Evil.

“To believe that we can combat violence by using more violence is an obvious illusion cherished however for millennia and visible in the continuing production of weapons. Organizing wars rather helps avoiding the truth, at the cost of human lives, than to open our eyes and increase our insight. We are going to have to try a little harder than that: listening to ourselves, acknowledging our true motives and cultivating a sincere and respectful attitude, rather than believing in the protection of punitive, destructive power. Having the power to destroy doesn’t mean being strong. Real strength means being able to understand our feelings and our history so that we become free to act from conscious motives instead of being driven by unconscious fears like Stalin, Hitler, and others. Though we may not have learned to trust respectful communication as children and to understand our feelings we can learn it in adulthood. Many have already succeeded in doing so. But many still think they don’t even need to try. Thus they know near to nothing about themselves.”

Others as preyPathological narcissism, that has been around since the beginning of time, was not officially recognized as a disorder until the 1980’s and most professionals do not know how to recognize the symptoms or even treat it! So narcissists have roamed and continue to roam the planet free to exploit, abuse, and traumatize their children and anyone they target who they feel can benefit them. The results?

In 2005, 69.9% of all psychiatric in-patients with serious psychotic disorders suffered from childhood trauma, 82% to 86% of those diagnosed with bipolar disorder, 90% of those with borderline personality disorder, and 80% of those dealing with depression suffered from childhood abuse. And so these traumatized individuals moved into adulthood and repeated the patterns of abuse in power imbalanced relationships. Read more what preeminent trauma expert Dr. Bessel van der Kolk says on how psychiatry neglects the traumatized.

So like in Medicine, the psychological community treats symptoms of narcissism and the traumatized and abused with misdiagnoses and prescriptions to make money for Big Pharma and continues to do nothing to address the root cause: childhood trauma from covert and overt abuse.

Check out this TED Video on treating the core problem of childhood trauma.

More specifically,

  1. We have not educated society and parents on narcissism and other disorders, how to recognize manipulative toxic behaviors, how to treat narcissists during childhood and adulthood, and how to protect themselves from toxic people;
  2. We have not developed effective treatments for abused traumatized children and adults who go on to become addicts and parents and who teach the same faulty “wounded” thinking to their children;
  3. We have not developed therapies for genetically predisposed narcissistic children to, perhaps, move them towards the lower end of the harm spectrum when they become adults; and
  4. We have not developed effective therapies for adult narcissists and educated the psychological community.

The psychological community neglected the traumatized children who are now the hundreds of millions of unhealed traumatized adults and addicts, available for the narcissists to target and for narcissistic covert and overt terrorists to recruit, and to run for major political offices around the world. As a result, we have so many more predatory narcissists and so many more unhealed traumatized emotionally unhealthy vulnerable people they can prey on and parasitize. This is why untreated undiagnosed narcissists who have disguised themselves in an illusion of charm and power have so easily manipulated their ways into positions of power. We are suffering from a tremendous world-wide power imbalance tipped in the favor of narcissists who continue to prey on an infinite food supply of vulnerable emotionally unhealthy individuals.

Does this sound even vaguely familiar?  It should and this is why.

imgresTerrorist Cells and Authoritarian Governments are Nothing More than Dysfunctional Families

Terrorism and terrorist cells, covert domestic terrorism such as dictators manipulating their ways into power or foreign governments manipulating democratic elections, like cults, are nothing more than an exaggerated form of a dysfunctional “family” filled with narcissists and codependent adults with unhealed childhood wounds and predatory group think. Pathologically narcissistic and psychopathic “terrorists” recruit other vulnerable pain-addicted emotionally unhealthy individuals who like abused codependent children in families suffer from low self-worth and have not been taught to self-soothe and to regulate their pain-based emotions. Narcissists use other narcissists and the apathetic as proxies to steal power from others that they cannot supply to their character deficient selves. It doesn’t matter if the group is a terrorist cell or the decision making body is a major world power. This is the same practice we see in dysfunctional families who recruit other narcissists in their dirty dealings and prey on the scapegoats (e.g. the U.S. and other democratic countries and anti-narcissistic thinking innocent individuals) who in many cases are empaths, kind, generous individuals who are vulnerable to codependency or as we have seen in the recent Presidential election in the United States, the media simply doing their jobs or fearful concerned citizens voicing an opinion on Twitter.

See this inspiring video of CNN’s chief international correspondent, Christiane Amanpour’s acceptance speech for receiving the Burton Benjamin Memorial Award from the Committee to Protect Journalists for “extraordinary and sustained achievement in the cause of press freedom.” Her acceptance speech was an inspiring appeal to “recommit to robust, fact-based reporting” in the Age of Trump.

Read more on whom narcissists target and why.

This is the same tribal “group think” that exists to keep the “group,” political party, dictatorship, cult, thieving company, church, family unit, village intact but that also supports honor killing, genocide, genital mutilation, racism, misogyny, homophobia, shunning, protecting child molesters, and even “building walls to keep Hispanics out” and does not respect or honor an individual’s right to free will and, in fact, punishes, character assassinates, jails, and even annihilates individuals for attempting to do so.

Read more on dysfunctional families and intergenerational abuse.

What Can We Do as a Person, a People, a Nation?

Well, there is lots we can do and lots we shouldn’t do. At the top of the “do not” list is to hunker down in shame or fear. At the top of the “do” list is to take actions and resist so we can take our power back and maximize the positive impact of the truly good and emotionally healthy people with integrity of character, intellect, and compassion and to stop promoting the evil component of society that addresses its root causes in a non-aggressive manner. How do we achieve this?

First,  we must heal  and educate ourselves on narcissism. As we heal, our children will heal through us. I provide tons of healing information, tools and resources in this Blog, the Yourlifelifter website and Facebook page, and in my book Take Your Power Back: Healing Lessons, Tips and Tools for Abuse Survivors.

Second, we can stand up to and also stop voting diagnosed pathological narcissists into key political offices. Educating ourselves about narcissism will allow us easier to recognize them and assess the state of our own emotional health that makes us vulnerable to their manipulation. In this way, we can defuse them. We can also start screening the mental and emotional health, along with the financial and character integrity of anyone who is hired into a critical political position no different than what all high risk industries are, by law or ethics, required to do. We can be mindful and wise in our choices of those with the integrity of character and other qualities, skills, knowledge and abilities that support them being a good leader and who are competent to make informed decisions based on what is best for others, the country, the world and not just themselves, profoundly weak people who cannot generate their own power and steal that of others. So now more than ever it is critical to be intelligent in our choices and to not not let our fears and lack of information and state of our emotional health drive them. We must be vigilant and informed in all our choices and especially in whom we choose to love, associate with, trust, and choose as the head of state! We can work on improving our own emotional health. As we heal, our children will heal through us.

Third is to maximize our individual and collective healing power. Facebook and the World Wide Web have afforded all of us the opportunity to feel as well as experience this healing power first hand. How? By the magnitude of reach of our healing energy and truth.

Read more here on Facebook and the power of healing.

Read more here on why people are evil.

th-3This demonstrates the power of truth, goodness, compassion, authenticity, integrity of character and righteousness that is not only vast beyond human comprehension but is truly humbling in its beauty. It also indicates a rise in the collective consciousness of healing, need for truth-based nourishment that our souls long for as well as the real power generated by authentically good people, the empaths, the compassionate energy receivers and healers.

th-4Will evil continue to exist? Do the evil target us? Will they continue to target us? Of course. However, we of the healing community will rise above and together we will change the world and return the balance of goodness where it should be: front and center in the minds of the politicians, parents, teachers, presidents, CEOs, our children and every other person in this world. And we will set examples, continue to spread truth and also educate people on narcissism and its causes in the same way we will educate the abused (including those predisposed to narcissism) on the causes of their abuse and start addressing trauma in their youth and focus on the elements of virtue that will help them build characters of personal integrity. We will educate the parents and help them heal so their children heal through them. And Facebook and the World Wide Web are allowing us to do so, to reach out and touch the lives of millions and, soon, billions from across the globe.

Read more here on Facebook and the power of healing.

Read more here on why people are evil.

In these ways, we can put a stop to the pain-based and faulty thinking and pain addictions that are at the core of intergenerational abuse and keep the narcissists’s depravity at the lower end of the continuum where they will do the least amount of damage as they get older and move into adulthood. We, the good folks, will then not be vulnerable to them and no longer fear them and even if they continue to target us, the harm they inflict will not be as serious.

This is how good overpowers evil!

Together we heal! Together we thrive!

 

How Living Alone and Being Single Build Emotional Health

Evelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter

“Living alone kicks us into self-benefitting actions that build the personal stamina and skills, knowledge, and abilities that allow us to become self-sufficient and self-assured, self-reliant on ourselves to bring us joy, optimal health, and the relationships that nurture our soul. Living alone allows us to have ‘skin in the game’ of our lives and to develop character through our successes we create and our mistakes that we correct. It frees us to heal and upshift our thinking so our beliefs that we are worthy of joy drive our choices not our avoidance of pain!”

Learning to enjoy living alone and being single is one of the most effective ways to build and sustain your emotional health.

th-15Learning to do so is tough. However, you are well worth the effort and here’s why.

Most of us were raised in unhealthy environments that lead to our emotional unhealthiness, neuroses, and low self-worth. We have not developed our abilities to tap fully into our personal strength. Many of us are used to not having our personal boundaries honored or our emotions validated. We may have learned to be reactive to whatever or whomever triggers emotions that we believe we are powerless to. We may be notorious boundary violators ourselves.

So living alone can provide an opportunity to heal our childhood wounds without harmful distractions, burdens, fears, and obstacles.  It allows us, unhindered, to care for, love and nurture ourselves. For some, it may be their only opportunity to learn to rely comfortably on themselves for what they need to live, to become the best and authentic versions of themselves, to sustain their joy and happiness, and to establish a sustainable base to establish and maintain healthy relationships.

13244612_828677967287034_6775760096160161795_nLet’s look at these amazing and not so obvious healing benefits a bit closer.

Most of us are codependent to varying degrees. We have been taught in power imbalanced families to rely predominantly on others, many who are self-serving, rather than ourselves to soothe our pain and validate worthiness of our actions and our beliefs and even our lovability. Many of us learned as children to depend on caretakers who abused and exploited us rather than nurturing and validating our emotions and teaching us how to self-soothe and self-regulate our pain-based emotions and to use our compassion responsibly. The roots of family dysfunctions and intergenerational abuse can be traced far back in history. The results?

As we move into adulthood, we choose friends, lovers, spouses whose reliability as “validators” of our worth is questionable. We maladapt. We get into toxic but familiar relationships and jobs that are unfulfilling to us, continue to invalidate us, trigger our fears, and emotionally deplete us rather than energize and nurture us. While we rely on these “less than reliable” sources, we continue to not develop the unique set of skills, knowledge and abilities we need to support our self-worth such as attaining the knowledge or competencies for setting and attaining goals and confidently taking action to course or thought correct when we are not feeling 100% or we get off track. We remain emotional fatigued or worse, become depressed from having to be strong for too long. We end up letting fears drive our decisions and power us rather than our free will based on clear understanding of our worthiness and lovability that we source internally. We can choose staying with abusers, for example, that we fear less than living alone or staying single that trigger our fear of abandonment.

Self-care and self-compassion may also be foreign and even painful to many of us if we were not encouraged to take care of our personal needs and perhaps were punished for doing so. We may have been rewarded for taking care of other people and supporting their joy at our expense. This especially is a vulnerability for empaths, highly sensitive people who are born with an abundance of compassion and who run a higher risk of becoming codependents.

Living alone kicks us into self-benefitting actions that build the personal stamina and skills, knowledge, and abilities that allow us to become self-sufficient and self-assured, self-reliant on ourselves to bring us joy, optimal health, and the relationships that nurture our soul. Living alone allows us to have “skin in the game” of our lives and to develop character through our successes we create and our mistakes that we correct. It frees us to heal and upshift our thinking so our beliefs that we are worthy of joy drive our choices not our avoidance of pain!

13524453_10154246566948838_9118243702284834405_nSo living alone and staying single allow us to learn to rely comfortably on ourselves and learn what we are “good” at. They allow us the freedom to develop self-care and self-compassion abilities that feed our self-worth and self-assuredness. They help us understand what our worth is, our TRUE authentic value through untainted filters and without depending on others to tell us whether what we do or think are worthy or not. They help us learn stamina and to rely on our personal power and regulate our own emotions including our pain-based and fear fueled ones that build confidence in ourselves. They teach us obligation and commitment to our own selves and help build integrity of character by earning that which brings us joy and what we know we are worthy of attaining. And as we heal, our children heal through us.

And in so doing, we learn to love ourselves and understand what qualities and personal truth we should be looking for in others that align with ours.

And when we do? That is when the magic starts.

Why the Narcissist’s Leaving is a Blessing

Evelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter

blessingsI’d like to clarify a huge misperception related to relationships, narcissists, and abandonment that will help facilitate recovery for narcissistic abuse survivors.

Now, any normal human being would think that if the person they love abandons them and leaves (for no obvious or apparent reason), then something is wrong with me not them. The normal human reaction to abandonment and betrayal is shame, specifically self-blame, self-hate, self-loathing and even self-sabotage.

Well, I am here to tell you that in relationships with narcissists, not only is this NOT accurate, it is totally false and this is why?

We are dealing with pathologically disordered, manipulative, covert, aggressive, slick individuals who lack compassion and empathy. So situations with “narcissists leaving” and in fact nothing dealing with narcissists is “normal.”

And the reality of a narcissist’s leaving, which is, in fact, a blessing, goes more like this:

Scenario #1 – We Tell Them to Leave

We don’t have to wait till the narcissists are gone and we have no contact with them to heal. Many of the 16,000 community members from 45 countries at Yourlifelifter are still in relationships with, working with, married to, and or living with narcissists. We are all in different stages of emotional health. I, personally, was on a healing journey long before I chose to have no or very limited contact with the toxic people in my life.

So we can start healing and getting stronger, realize they are soul suckers and burdens, learn they do not love us or anyone for that matter before we choose to tell them to leave, have no or limit contact with them, or perhaps reestablish the boundaries and rules for interacting with them. Then we tell them to leave. What is their reaction?

Well, the behavior of narcissists when they have suffered a “narcissistic injury” and we catch on to their “act” is pretty predictable. In short, they freak out!

imgres

Why?

magic llusion truthBecause their toxic fear of shame kicks in. The jig is up. We have discovered that the “All Powerful Oz” is nothing but a bunch of smoke and mirrors. They have been exposed for who they truly are – spineless, weak, powerless. In addition, they are losing their power source, their narcissistic supply and have no backup supply. So, predictably, they do what anyone with the emotional maturity of a three year old and a starving vampire in the sunlight would do.

They have a tantrum! They rage and act like lunatics because now they have to work to regain the supply they exploited and tried to destroy before they are prepared to and want to. Their thinking goes something like, “How dare you interfere with me exploiting you and making me work for something I have readily stolen from you and tell others, I thought I had duped, the truth about me! You are making me have to work and now I have to start a smear campaign against you and turn the kids and everyone we know against you. More work that I loathe! I will destroy you before you expose me and leave you with nothing. I will do all I can to win and if I win, you must lose.”

They typically make your life miserable before they leave but once they leave some will even attempt to “hoover” back around to manipulate you into taking them back until, that is, they find other more “reliable” supply.

Read more here on hoovering from Melanie Tonia Evans.

Scenario #2 – We Call Them Out on their Abusive Disordered Behavior and They Voluntarily Leave

Scenario #2 is similar to the first scenario except in this case, they leave of their own accord after we call them out on their manipulation and abuse. Once more, the jig is up.

Similar to Scenario #1, their toxic fear of shame predictably kicks in and they freak out because they have been exposed for the spineless, weak, powerless people they really are and they are losing their narcissistic supply. They rage and if they have narcissistic supply waiting for them, they leave. If they do not have narcissistic supply available, they will hunt for, target, and catch some using the same manipulation tactics and lies he/she told you and then leave. Their thinking goes something like, “I was planning on leaving anyway but how dare you make me work and start a smear campaign against you and turn the kids against you so I can prevent you from telling others, I thought I had duped, the truth about me! I will destroy you before you expose me and leave you with nothing to show everyone I am grand and get the adulation I am entitled to. Now that you are healing it will be harder for me to do so and that makes me angry.”

They typically make your life miserable before they leave but once they leave some will even attempt to “hoover” back around to manipulate you into taking them back until, that is, they find other more “reliable” supply.

Read more here on hoovering from Melanie Tonia Evans.

Scenario #3 – They Abandon Us

This scenario is one in which the victims are typically in very unhealthy emotional states, frequently depressed, traumatized, emotionally fatigued and perhaps have suspected or experienced infidelity and emotional betrayal for some time. Note in this Scenario, that the betrayal usually starts long before the narcissist’s departure and the victims are typically not educated on what and why this happened.

Narcissists who abruptly abandon their spouses, significant others and children usually have backup supply already waiting and their exit strategy all preplanned. This is all part of a narcissist’s modus operandi, their MO. It is just what they all do. They have to because they cannot generate their own power or source their worth from within. They select their targets and use love intentionally as their camouflage, abuse their targets with constant invalidation and emotional abuse, neglect, and manipulation.

After they inflict emotional harm on us, they leave and move on to the next victim who like most of us is totally unaware they are pathological narcissists and are victimizing her or him for their parasitic self-gain. They will hunt for, target, and catch new supply using the same grooming and manipulation tactics they used on you and lies he/she told you. Their thinking goes something like, “You are no longer benefitting me. I deserve someone who will adulate me and who I can easily dupe. I have all the pieces in place to fool others. I have them eating out of my hand. That is how stupid and weak they really are. You have made it easier for me to start a smear campaign against you and turn the kids against you. My plan worked. I have new supply who makes me look good and I have her/him eating out of my hand. I will destroy you before you expose me and leave you with nothing.”

Do Narcissists Who Leave Forget About Us?

Narcissists do not ever forget anyone who has provided them narcissistic supply for two primary reasons. First, they use us as backup supply and will return to us in a heartbeat when their supply is low or is of poor quality like a lion that returns to its favorite hunting ground. So it is common, after you have told them to leave or they leave voluntarily, for them to contact you “out of the blue” with charm, in the guise that they miss and love you, and act totally like nothing happened. This behavior is so abundantly common and predictable that we give it a name – “hoovering.”

Read more here on hoovering from Melanie Tonia Evans.

11148662_10152995529557599_2181743658615626665_o

Second, they also are in constant fear of being exposed in court or to his or her friends or family. So he/she is ready at any moment to recruit his/her proxies, proverbial “flying monkeys,” to engage in a character assassinating campaign of lies against you to discredit you and provide an illusion that you are the crazy one and he or she is the saint for having put up with you as long as they did.

Narcissists are so predictable and so disordered they could one day lie in court under oath to destroy your credibility, assassinate your character, steal your last nickel, alienate your children from you, and the next, ask you to have sex.

1098228_1187695837924727_3159249499669189930_nNarcissists Only Target the Best of the Best

In the midst of the chaos and depravity, abuse, confusion, pain and crazy making, we can easily and, thankfully, temporarily lose sight of our real worth, lovability, and personal power. What is most important to remember is that narcissists only target the best of the best, those who may in the short term be susceptible to their attacks due to unhealed childhood wounds and inexperience with healthy relationships, but those who nevertheless are undeniably the kindest people of the highest integrity of character in the world and who therapists claim are physically the most appealing.

And the best news of all? You can heal. So when the narcissists leave, voluntarily or not, they are actually doing us a tremendous favor! They are providing us an opportunity to heal longstanding emotional wounds. Now you are free to heal those wounds that were unhealed when you met the narcissists, move forward in your life and thrive. And as we heal our children can heal through us.

The narcissists cannot. Notice in any situation, the narcissist just moves on to its next host and prey but would return in a heartbeat when they narcissist supplies are low or lacking. They, like all vampires, forever remain human parasites.

 

 

Narcissists, Character, Work, and Obligation

Evelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter

th-15We can see the biggest differences between narcissists and authentically “good” people when it comes to work, commitment, and obligation.

Can a narcissist be nice?

Sure!

Can a narcissist be charming?

Of course!

Do narcissists have redeeming qualities, talents, skills, abilities?

Sure, they do.

Can narcissists work?

Absolutely. They can work very very hard!

HOWEVER…

There are tremendous differences between “acting nice,” turning on the charm and intentionally applying your skills, knowledge and abilities to manipulate attention, adulation, power, control, to feed your false or less than intact ego and fill gaps in your broken psyche and to serve only yourself and authentically being nice, generous, compassionate, loving, and honest, and working hard to bring value to others and to your own self.

The Roles of Work and Obligation in Emotional Health and Building Character

starving soul hungerEmotionally healthy people work for what they need to benefit and sustain themselves and those they are in relationships with. In fact, this is what our bodies were designed to do. We expect to periodically self-sacrifice and put in the extra effort to benefit someone else because we know if we do, we will reap the rewards as well. We also expect sometimes to not work so hard and let others put in the extra effort to care for us when we need it. We know that we are paid for the value of the service we provide to others no matter if they are loved ones, customers, bosses, or even strangers. We also work for what we need because we know and are confident we can do so and enjoy working towards our goals. It brings us joy. It sustains our life. It nourishes our souls. It makes us better people. We know that having “skin in the game” builds character. If we reap benefits that are equal to or exceed the efforts or costs to achieve them, then we are happy, content, fulfilled.

Now, of course, we all have to act sometimes and exhibit “our best behaviors” but we typically do so for healthy and temporary reasons such as to make a first impression (that the recipient is expecting) and not just to benefit ourselves.

When Do Work and Commitment Dynamics Become Unhealthy?images-3

Life and relationships, in particular, require a balance of work, commitment, and obligation. It is when this balance of give and take becomes “tipped” that things can become unhealthy. The more tipped the balance, the more unhealthy the situation can become. Think about this. Isn’t it always when someone is giving too much and putting in the extraordinary effort or someone is taking too much and not putting in the work (and especially over a long period of time) that things get crazy, stressful, exploitive, abusive, unpleasant, or just plain suck?

Why?

Because, we are not benefitting from the investment of our time, energy, pain, love, effort, education we are expending for what we are working for. Our efforts and our value are never validated. What we believe to be true about ourselves is not validated and what we aspire to never happens so our personal truth and personal worth are never “proved.”

The result?

We just get…well… depleted, bored, unfulfilled, emotionally fatigued, depressed, sad, exhausted from being strong for too long and not benefitting from the effort and from chronic disappointment. Our souls starve for emotional nourishment we need to sustain us. Our self-worth and self-assuredness plummet.

Narcissists’ Dysfunctional Views on Work and Obligation

imgres-3Dr. George K. Simon, a preeminent expert on manipulative aggressive personalities and author of the best sellers In Sheep’s Clothing, Character Disturbance, and The Judas Syndrome confirms that narcissistic personalities lack the capacity to love because they lack empathy and the warning signs of such empathy deficits are always in the attitudes they display toward accepting work and obligation. Narcissists simply detest putting out effort that might, even in part, benefit someone else.

So if you think a narcissist loves you and your children, think again!

Dr. Simon’s research also verifies that narcissists can work very hard and can spend inordinate amounts time and energy working purely to get something THEY want. As most of us very well know, they can put in extraordinary efforts to groom and love bomb a potential mate or spouse. But putting the same amount of energy into finding or keeping a legitimate job, a personal relationship. taking care of a sick family member, demonstrating the loyalty and consistency necessary to be considered for advancement, or making the investment in personal self-development to merit consideration for more advanced positions are completely different matters and very unattractive enterprises to them. They want all the benefits of marriage, for example, without having to work for them or earn them!

Dr. Simon emphasizes that narcissists resist working to become better human beings more than any other kind of work. So even when it comes to respect and love and admiration, they want to come by them in the same manner as everything else  – without having to earn them.

And guess what folks? How do we build integrity of character?  You got it! By earning it through hard work to set goals, make a plan to achieve them, being successful, and learning lessons through mistakes we make along the way.

And as a result, the characters of the disordered do not mature or develop. The normal human desire to work for those things to improve themselves are lacking. So they remain “deficient” humans with questionable to poor characters to even criminal ones who manipulate from the truly good people what they need to sustain themselves. In essence, they are and remain human parasites.

Dysfunctional Work and Commitment Dynamics in Abusive Relationships

We can especially see these dysfunctional and very harmful dynamics at play in abusive and power imbalanced relationships with narcissists where the balance of give and take that fuels normal human existence becomes severely skewed. The abusers are the only ones who are benefitting while their victims do all the work and suffer endlessly. The victims become pain-addicted and trauma-bonded. Chronic exploitation leads to chronic emotional pain and trauma, overtaxing of our pain-based emotional mechanisms. The victims are stuck in “hamster wheel relationships” that go nowhere and get nothing back in return for their extreme investments of pain and energy. They become depleted and emotionally fatigued, depressed, and traumatized.

The extreme and long-term imbalance of power and chronic invalidation are the core to the damage from abusive relationship fueled by wounded thinking and beliefs carried from survivors of childhood abuse.  I explore these in great depth along with effective ways to deal with them in my book Take Your Power Back: Healing Lessons, Tips, and Tools for Abuse Survivors and in many other articles in the Yourlifelifter Blog.

Dysfunctional Work and Commitment Obligations in “Good Deed” Organizations

images-2Exploitation and power imbalanced situations can come in many forms because “toxic humans” can come in many forms camouflaged as many things. Narcissism, for example, is rampant in “good deed” communities like politics, the medical community, churches, and even fundraising organizations where many emotional manipulators can exist for years going unnoticed, providing illusions of generosity and “goodness” and feeding off the power and energy of innocent members of the community while hiding true intentions of superiority and self-righteousness. Are they doing good for the community? Absolutely! But the more important question is why? Is it to simply give back to and benefit the community which would be my personal objective or are there “hidden” underlying self-serving objectives? Read more here.

th-2Anyone can provide an illusion of doing good by hiding in a “do good” organization filled with manipulative covert aggressive people who are really lavishing in their superiority over the “needy” they profess to help and who really lack compassion and are providing a very toxic and emotionally unhealthy environment for its innocent and truly compassionate members who really are there just to “do good.” Wolves can be cloaked in many versions of “sheep’s” clothing. So it doesn’t matter how it “looks” or even if there is a handsome “shiny as a new penny” leader at the helm, if it looks like, if it smells like, it is.  Get more information here.

Tolerance: A Time of Reflection

 

Evelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter

Reprinted from January 2013.

“Being tolerant allows us and others to adapt, to change and grow in positive ways.”

After the recent presidential election, tolerance, Serenity-Card01especially tolerance for the intolerant, more than anything, has been pressing on my mind and specifically these questions:

What is tolerance and what role does it play in being a good person?

What role does it play in survival?

 

So I pulled the thread on my curiosity triggers and this is what I discovered.

Tolerance is probably one of the most important qualities we can possess that directly supports and sustains our long-term survival. The best definition that I found for tolerance is the character quality which enables us to accept the unchangeable. In a nutshell, being tolerant allows us and others to adapt, to change and grow in positive ways. It allows us to develop integrity of character so without it, our characters can be lacking, deficient, inauthentic and not reflective of our full potential. The emphasis and value of tolerance in the Serenity Prayer is obvious.

Let’s explore this a bit more.

To be good, to be people of integrity, we have to want to be good people, understand what that means, and work hard to continually improve. Our actions must mirror our words that stem from our beliefs and our knowledge. We must practice what we preach to build these qualities in ourselves and more so, our characters, and to positively influence others and have healthy relationships. We must look at experiences including the unpleasant ones as opportunities to learn and become better versions of ourselves. Tolerance allows us to be psychologically resilient to that which we do not like or agree with. It allows us to disagree and lose without judging not only others but ourselves.

“It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is the most adaptable to change.” ~ Charles Darwin

Others as preyIt allows us to minimize negative feelings like anger and hatred that can do us and others harm. It allows us to live in peace within ourselves and with others. It is the core to living in serenity.

On the other hand, to be intolerant, prevents us from adapting to change and hinders our growth. Hindering our growth creates an obstacle to our character development that is harmful not only to ourselves but also to others. It impacts us setting up goals that will nurture our souls and feed our self-worth and self-assuredness. Being intolerant prevents us from becoming our authentic selves by self-sabotaging our own happiness. Intolerance is the core to terrorism, bullying, scapegoating, and abuse.

Read more about becoming our authentic selves here.

So if being tolerant is a key to peace and happiness and personal growth, how do we acquire it? Well, like anything that is not free or tangible, through wanting it and through hard work, by making mistakes and learning through other tolerant individuals with high integrity of character. Our characters are incrementally built through life experiences and mistakes and successes. We gain the skills, knowledge, and abilities through our actions and words that stem from beliefs we validate through our life experiences and our personal interactions. This is how our characters develop and become chiseled permanently into our being.

“Tolerance allows us to be psychologically resilient to that which we do not like or agree with. It allows us to disagree and lose without judging not only others but ourselves.”

Here are some tips that will help in learning to become more tolerant and teaching tolerance to others:

  • To become tolerant, learn to be tolerant of yourself first.
  • Be mindful of what annoys you and what triggers your anger. Work on being tolerant of your own intolerances and healing the wounds that caused them.
  • Learn to approach everything with a “I can live with it” rather than “I must agree 100% with it and win” attitude. Avoid black and white thinking that focuses only on good or bad outcomes and winning.
  • Be careful to understand the difference between rejecting the “sin” and not rejecting the “sinner.”
  • Learn to identify the signs unhealthy environments and relationships.
  • Self-assess to focus on what you can and need to change that triggers your intolerance. For example, do you need to remove yourself from truly toxic environments and toxic people. Read more here on how to remove toxic people from your life.
  • Avoid the scapegoating mentality. Focus on everyone’s strengths instead of their weaknesses to prevent playing favorites with some while minimizing others.
  • Accept that every living thing has purpose, has value.
  • Accept that every person will grow and develop at different paces and with different levels of enthusiasm and maturity.
  • Accept that everyone is good at something.
  • Accept that your parents are still growing in character and are not perfect.
  • Demonstrate kindness and acceptance to all, not just those who are popular, pretty, or who you are comfortable with or think like you do.
  • Look at conversations and interactions as opportunities to learn. Refrain from complaining about what you disagree with or do not like in others. Do not judge others based on them agreeing with you or not. Welcome those disagreements or differences as motivations for you to learn more, for you to become a person of integrity.
  • Do not judge a book by its cover. Get all the facts and listen before you develop an opinion.

How Much Do We Need to Know About Narcissism to Heal?

Evelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter

12728933_1029523830454167_7543660069029010331_nThe legitimate healers as well as influencers and authors, the real game changers on social media like Shannon Thomas, Kristin Walker, Melanie Tonia Evans, Dr. Lynne Namka, Ross Rosenberg, Shahida Arabi, Glynis Sherwood, Dr. Judith Orloff, Christine Louis de Canonville, Kim Saeed, etc. know that ours are not necessarily the most popular websites and Facebook pages. We understand this because most of us are empaths and truth seekers (and mostly women I may add) who share truth. We know well that truth is painful and what is painful and uncomfortable is not the most, well, “enticing.”
We know that abuse survivors have been conditioned in their lives to be comfortable in their pain and especially in early stages of healing, are frequently trauma bonded, actually pain addicted due to brain peptides (the same that cause all addictions).

Cannot heal at same level as painHealing for abuse survivors brings a new and unfamiliar level of despair and discomfort we must rescue our own selves from. This can trigger immense fear since in the past, we were never encouraged and even punished for even taking care of our own basic human needs. Do the “not so legitimate” but popular healing pages and websites on narcissism know this? Of course they do! And in spite of it, they continue to inundate suffering abuse victims with information on the narcissists (frequently plagiarized or copied, cut and pasted) that does you continued harm by keeping you in pain and in a traumatized (yet familiar) state of peptide addiction, keeping you focused on your abuser and revenge rather than yourself, enticing you to remain with or return to him or her, and preventing your emotional healing. Read more here.

Folks, validating your pain is affirming and relieving and even ego boosting in the short term but not effective to recovery and sustaining long-term emotional health. I cannot speak for others, however, I can easily understand how abuse victims could establish Facebook pages to heal cathartically by sharing experiences and lessons learned with others who validate them, however there are many sites owned by those who claim to be “recovered narcissists” which is totally misleading since there is no cure for narcissism.
Others claim to be healed when they have been actively seeking revenge on their abusers for years. Narcissists posing as healers? What a novel idea, right? Well, it is not so novel. It may be pretty new to social media but narcissists infiltrated the medical and psychological professions a long long time ago like pedophiles infiltrated and corrupted the priesthood. Read more here. There are even professional therapists with PhD’s writing books filled with inaccurate and outdated information that are shockingly becoming best sellers.

“I strongly recommend in your healing journeys, to be discerning in your selection of truth-based information and to choose the company of truth-seekers like yourself whose healing goals align with yours.”

The point is this! Do we need to know about narcissism to heal? Absolutely, we do. But we must remember to be wise and selective of the quality and accuracy of the information and aware of our stage of healing and the stage of healing of the company we choose to keep. We must be mindful that we cannot heal at the same level of thinking that creates our pain. I strongly recommend in your healing journeys, to be discerning in your selection of truth-based information and to choose the company of truth-seekers like yourself whose healing goals align with yours. Most important to understand, as I write about very frequently and in fact is Lesson Number 2 in Chapter 2 in my book, Take Your Power Back: Healing Lessons, Tips and Tools for Abuse Survivors that healing has nothing to do with your abusers. It is all about YOU. You CAN heal. They cannot.

Read more here on why learning all about narcissists is not the answer.

Let’s explore this.

 

I can tell you all you need to know about narcissists and narcissism to facilitate your healing in about 15 minutes. For example, we need to understand that they are aggressive but powerless and weak, they are not capable of loving anyone and prey on the vulnerable even their own children and that they manipulate us because we are the best of the best, they want all the benefits we can provide them without any of the work and to provide an illusion of normalcy to the world, there is no cure for narcissism, after us, they quickly move on to their next target, and we are vulnerable because we carry unhealed childhood wounds and trauma. So that’s it. That is, in a nutshell, pretty much all you need to know about narcissists. They are THAT boring and predictable.

 

So healing truths (e.g. tools, tips, strategies, inspiration, lessons) that address the root causes to abuse along with the obstacles we deal with that can prevent us from healing, even though they are precisely what narcissistic abuse survivors or for that matter all abuse survivors need to recover, are nonexistent at many and I will go out on a limb and say most of the dozens of Facebook pages with narcissist, narcissism, or something close in their titles that I have frequented over the past several years. In fact, this is why I created the Yourlifelifter Facebook page, website, and Blog with the specific and unique mission “to provide truth-based healing information to narcissistic abuse survivors and to those seeking emotional freedom” and more so, why I wrote Take Your Power Back: Healing Lessons, Tips, and Tools for Abuse Survivors.

Unfortunately, the “newbies” as Allyson, one of the Yourlifelifter community members affectionately refers to folks in early healing stages, would not have a clue about this. That is unless folks in latter stages of healing tell them or they just so happen to fall upon a Facebook page like Yourlifelifter, Melanie Tonia’s, Kim’s etc. So what happens to the “newbies” who are emotionally fatigued, traumatized, depressed, and desperately looking for answers? (I know. I was one of them.) Well, their story goes something like this.

They do a word search on abuse and this word narcissist pops up that sounds familiar cuz they heard it on Dr. Phil or saw it in a magazine at the nail salon and then word search on that and then it takes them to the Facebook and Web pages that have gazillion followers and they think they found gold. Now, I am not claiming that these sites have no value. Of course they do, however, I am cautioning you that their value to your legitimate and timely healing (if that is your goal and I hope it is) is extremely limited and actually can do you harm. I, at one time, followed these sites, myself, and still intermittently scan posts at some of them, and there is one main thing that stood out then and still stands out like a sore thumb to me and many other healers have confirmed. They do not focus on solutions. 

What they actually do is draw the focus to the narcissists and post all about the depravity of the consequences of having a relationship with someone with the disorder. In response, the community members post all about the narcissistic drama in their lives including this is what he or she or their proxies said and did and/or how they want to pay them back or how fearful they are of them. With reach to people to 45 countries, I hear and compassionately witness the horror stories daily and I am not proud to say I can pull from a portfolio of my own. Yes. Is it important to grieve our losses and tell our stories. They are part of the fabric of who we are. This is absolutely critical to healing. But focusing too much on themstarving soul hunger will prevent you from healing by keeping you pain addicted and trauma bonded and stuck in toxic shame, grief, self-blame, and inaction. This is indisputable!

The legitimate healers, who, by the way, actively work together towards a common goal and who support one another, know this very well and know that the souls of abuse survivors are starving for truth. In fact, when you find a Page that shares healing “truth,” not only will you heal, you will heal very very quickly. You will soak it up like a sponge and it will empower you to seek more and more truth. We also know that we all benefit from the positivity of other’s healing energy not their pain and life’s drama. Legitimate Facebook pages and websites also do not post information that has not been well researched and validated by the professional abuse recovery community, our Facebook community members and our own selves. Yes. We are survivors ourselves and, speaking for my own self, of decades of abuse. In fact, narcissistic abuse recovery experts and professional abuse and addiction therapists endorse and follow each other’s Pages. We do not (like we see in the illegitimate pages developed by those claiming to be healers but in reality are not) cut and paste others people’s work, ideas and plagiarize other people’s work and put our names on it.13445496_1207378645939048_1486499932382982726_n

Here is an important yet not so obvious point related to the characters of the “legit” healers. We can comfortably claim the title of “healer” not only because we survived the abuse but also because we are qualified to and earned those titles. We, like all professionals, have earned the respect and credibility through establishing and maintaining our competence through our hard work, education, credentials, and peer reviewed publications. We turned our suffering into wisdom. We are proficient and competent at what we do and work with “peers” who recognize, challenge, enhance, and validate each other’s competence. We also uniquely possess a quality that makes what we do all so much more valuable than the numbers of our Facebook followers…. Integrity of Character.

13466016_1147204618635472_3838510449013360627_nWe have maintained through our suffering and strengthened through our healing the integrity of character, courage, wisdom, and personal truth that sustained us through our suffering ….the divine ability chiseled in our being to simply do the right thing and compassionately have others’ and, for me personally, humanity’s rather than solely our own best interests at heart.

Remember, folks. This is not a hobby. This is our job, our passion, our life’s work. We invest our hearts, souls, time and money to do this. This is who we are. This is who I am. Members in our community are like our own, my own children, my own family, and we take our leadership and healing roles and our competence very seriously. Like any effective and loving parent, we can readily put our egos aside and use ourdeeply honored wisdom, knowledge, empathy, compassion and unselfish spirits to inspire and do what is best for our “families” rather than exploit them for our personal gain. We have broken the cycle of abuse in our lives and are helping you to do the same and are grateful to be able to do so.

And so to all of you….. it is humbling and an honor and privilege to walk the earth with you at this time in your growth and evolution.

Thank you for allowing me to do so.

Why Thinking Positive All the Time is Not the Answer

Anyone who has had a serious physical injury knows that physical therapy can be very painful. In fact it needs to be because to heal we must break scar tissue and work through inflammation and doing so, well…is painful. However we must trust the process and when we do we reap the benefits.

We experience the same when we heal and recover from emotional wounds.

Carl Jung said there is no coming into consciousness without pain because we cannot become enlightened without making the darkness conscious.

This excellent article by Melanie Tonia Evans eloquently explains this as it pertains to narcissistic abuse recovery.

Do Narcissists Target Other Narcissists?

Evelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter

13095759_1159964300702950_962990553404036615_nNarcissists do not limit their targets to just nice people or empaths. In fact, they target anyone who is willing to provide them narcissistic supply regardless of the source.

Remember that narcissism is on a continuum so the levels of severity in their depravity vary. Nevertheless, regardless of who is the worst or better narcissist or more overt or covert, they will target anyone who provides them narcissistic supply even if it is all feigned. Yes, even if it is all a lie. As a matter of fact, narcissists who lack emotional empathy are easily duped. They make perfect targets for other narcissists especially those who are con artists, thieves, grifters, manipulators and especially those who are in authority positions above them.

While the dynamics may change, the rules of behavior don’t change when a narcissist targets another narcissist. The narcissistic attackers are very in tune with people’s weaknesses (but not their own) and use this ability to manipulate their targets (related or not) so it is easy for the predatory narcissist to pretend adulation of his or her prey. And it is ever more effective if the predatory narc possesses perceived power and authority who the target narc then can look up to with esteemed envy. If this is the case, the narc in authority can parasitically feast and feign attention and adulation of the target for a very long time before the narc catches on. Again, beware of the wrath of the narc once he or she discovers they have been duped or conned. A scorned narc whose toxic fear of shame has been triggered is not a pretty sight.

imgres-3What about in personal relationships? Of course, a narcissist can target another narcissist. Again, a narc is not selective on whom he or she obtains his narcissistic supply from so if a potential mate will serve as a good trophy spouse and is a narc and provides narcissistic supply, so be it. My pathologically narcissistic aunt and uncle have been married for 65 years! Two cerebral narcs are probably better suited than a somatic and cerebral narc but you never know.

Narcissists are also not immune to codependency. So there are some codependent narcissists who prefer personal validation from other narcissists. They are referred to as “inverted narcissists.” Unfortunately, it is the children and society who would suffer the most with a double dose of emotional cannibalism from both parents.

10264826_1123311044368276_9001871030601631845_nIn families, no child, regardless of personality, is immune from the exploitation of a narcissistic parent. Children, who are vulnerable and defenseless, actually are the easiest of targets. So just like narcissistic parents exploit and scapegoat their empathic children, they also exploit the ones most like them and make them their “golden children.” They then go on to train them as proxies, their partners in emotional vampirism and teach them their covert aggressive manipulation tactics. You can see herds of narcissists in families who emotionally continue to give each other “lie enemas” to keep the bull crap flowing or what I refer to as “narcissistic sodomization.” This is how narcissistic abuse is perpetuated in families, folks. You can read more here.

The good news?

We can heal. They cannot. And we can go on to build our own relationships and families and start creating your own customs, joy, and memories with those who deserve our love and respect. And when you find your family and authentic friends, those whose truth aligns with yours, THAT is real LOVE and when the magic starts.

A Look into the Future of Your Healing Journey

Evelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter

Healing Henry CloudExcerpted from Take Your Power Back: Healing Lessons, Tips and Tools for Abuse Survivors.

How will your recovery and healing after narcissistic abuse look and feel to you? Everyone’s road to recovery is different. We all learn, process information, and cope differently. But how will real recovery look? The survivors and thrivers say it is wonderful, but if we have never experienced it, what do we aspire to?

I would like to provide a different level of encouragement and assurance to you with a look into the future of your recovery. After all, we are working so hard to get there. We increase the chances of success if we have a goal and can envision and assert that in our affirmations. So here is a look into your new life and the benefits you will reap and DESERVE from all your hard work. Here is your personal vision statement! Here is a look to not only how it will feel to recover but also to thrive.

You are no longer a victim or a survivor but you are now a victor and feel like one. You have progressed to becoming a thriver: someone who finds joy and satisfaction in many aspects of life. You are confident in your abilities and focus on pursuing goals that serve you and bring you pride and respect. You show on the outside how you feel on the inside. You feel deserving of success and a high quality life and are confident in your personal power.
knowbetter do betterYou recognize yourself as the most important and interesting person in the world – a unique and precious part of life and that there will never be another you in the history of creation. You take the time and effort to nurture yourself and care for your own needs. By now, you have created a new family or support system for yourself that banishes the isolation and shame you felt in the past.

You can readily give of yourself to others and accept nurturance and consideration in return. This is the step in which your new self comes together into a personality that expresses your full essence in the world. It feels awesome and you embrace your new life and truth with gratitude and feeling loved and appreciated. Intimate relationships are now infused with trust, sexual sharing and mutual self-reliance. You freely communicate your needs, allow healthy mutual dependency and resolve conflicts, free of the concerns, pain, shame, fears, and self-doubt of the past.

On healingYour new self-acceptance allows you to be less critical of yourself and others, while your new self-awareness helps you to use your compassion for yourself and others responsibly. You can readily identify hurtful situations and exploitive people BEFORE they cause harm to you. You can gauge situations accurately and share your feelings assertively, as appropriate, without losing control of them.

You give care responsibly and look into your self with confidence for validation of your worth. You balance self-care and self-compassion with giving care and compassion to others. You feel emotionally strong and wake invigorated every day because you know what makes you happy and know you deserve it. You set goals and take action to achieve them because you are confident you can achieve them and deserve the outcomes of your efforts.

By now, you are able to avoid exploitative job situations and can identify and pursue appropriate promotion opportunities. You are no longer mired in office politics or oppressed by bosses or authority figures because you no longer release your power or compassion to them or take on their brokenness. You can develop your career in a way that fosters your interests and talents and accept the financial and emotional rewards that follow. If you find yourself facing a dead end in your career, you know as truth that you can make the necessary changes to keep yourself vital and interested in your work. Instead of experiencing your work and life as a strain, you now feel challenged and satisfied by both.

If you have children, your new sense of self has brought you a new identity as a loving, caring parent. Your children are happy and healthy and have healed through you. You provide them an excellent role model of emotional health and reciprocal unconditional love. You accept your children as separate unique individuals and raise them to respect and honor themselves and others. You foster their self-esteem by giving them appropriate amounts of power and control and protect them from harm by setting clear and consistent limits. You are able to discipline them by using the positive elements of your relationship with them to hold them accountable when they fall short of the values you have set for your family.

12278924_10205493775089309_5891612657388860690_nThis is the time to acknowledge that your family’s intergenerational chain of abuse has ended with you. You and your children are living testimony to this formidable accomplishment. You can continue to grow together, allowing your relationship to mature into a seasoned, adult-to-adult friendship that can provide joy and affiliation for the rest of your lives.

Finally, your new self begins to express itself in one area that may have always been difficult: play. You probably have neglected this area of expression, but the newly-confident you may now be ready to explore this exciting domain. Hobbies, sports, creative arts, traveling and music are just some of the many ways you can play as an adult. Playing keeps you in touch with your own inner child and affords you an opportunity to share another experience with your children. Playing revives us and recharges our emotional batteries. It improves our outlook on life and rewards us for our hard work. Don’t deprive yourself of this important element of life. Find new ways of playing that fill you up and charge your active participation in life.

Many survivors wonder how they will know that they have completed their recovery. That moment is very personal and may or may not be related to an external event in your life. It occurs at the moment when healing on the inside and change on the outside merge into a unified sense of self. It occurs when you become your authentic self, when your beliefs, thoughts, and actions align and you are confident that whatever life brings you, your authenticity and truth will carry you through it. You are clear on your self-worth, rights and authorities and use them independently and routinely to pursue and achieve your goals.

705466_cover_mockup1-1This moment may be a “mystical experience,” one in which you feel at one with the world. It may be the moment in which you realize you have attained an achievement that symbolizes success to you. It will be different things to different people, and you are the best judge of the moment for yourself. Whichever the case, it will be beautiful!

May your spiritual source guide and protect you in your search for truth and becoming the authentic and best version of yourself that you were put on this earth to be and creating magic with others whose truth aligns with yours.

 

Yourlifelifter Announces Release of the Documentary Film “Narcissist”

Evelyn Ryan, author of Take Your Power Back: Healing Lessons, Tips, and Tools for Abuse Survivors, stars in the documentary film, NARCISSIST.

This is a riveting film about the role narcissism plays in society and relationships. The movie was co-produced by Frank MacKay and Lee DioGuardi Buono.

This film includes interviews with Evelyn Ryan, her daughter, politicians and others related to narcissism, empaths, codependency and her personal life and journey for truth and the history behind her book Take Your Power Back: Healing Lessons, Tips, and Tools for Abuse Survivors.

Here is an exclusive preview of the FILM for the Yourlifelifter Community…please share with all your friends!

Thank you for your support!

Together we heal! Together we thrive!

A “Dear John” Letter to a Narcissist

Evelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter

5cfff8c5858232ba3e5cba761677b3af (1)I am posting this letter I received with permission from the author that describes poignantly the pain experienced from narcissistic abuse as well as the power we all have to heal after narcissistic abuse! I would like to thank the author personally for trusting me with her heartfelt, gut-5cfff8c5858232ba3e5cba761677b3af (1)wrenching, beautiful, powerful and courageous words.


Dearest Ex-Husband,

I expect my words to be ignored and ridiculed. I expect my deepest feelings to be unimportant or even laughable. I know what I say means nothing to you, but even with this knowledge, it means something to me.

So with that said, my first goodbye is to me not being important, my opinion being so irrelevant. Goodbye to the days of being last and feeling so sorry for ever thinking I should make myself important.

Goodbye to the days of trying to impress you with a home-cooked meal I spent a lot of time preparing and a clean house for you to come home to. For what? You to just come home and tell me it was nothing compared to what you had to endure at work? Everything was always a competition with you. All I ever wanted was to be your teammate. You just don’t understand how that works.

Goodbye to having to cover up almost EVERYTHING you ever did or didn’t do. The best part about this is that the 3 pairs of eyes that saw me doing this, won’t be disgusted with me anymore. They saw it all. They know what a jerk you are and no one has to pretend it wasn’t happening anymore. Hallelujah!

Goodbye to feeling anxious when we were in the company of others because you would boast about yourself and that embarrassed me. I’m happily waving goodbye to all of your lies too. A part of me felt sad for you for so many years because of the stories you told me about your childhood. But I don’t feel bad for you anymore at all. It was all lies, all lies about your heritage, family tree, the murders, college, the abuse you claim that you endured by your Mother, Father, Step Mother, Maternal Grandfather and Ex-Girlfriend. You are a sick individual to make up some of the most horrible scenarios. Also, goodbye to me being an idiot to believe such bullshit! And as for the lies you’re continually telling?GOODBYE! I won’t entertain those either.

Goodbye to feeling so alone. So many times, I would take the children to do things we should have done as a family. You were always so grumpy and distant…never wanting to spend quality time with any of us. So, I picked up the pieces and went on without you. The kids and I won’t have to feel rejection on a daily basis anymore.

Goodbye to having to take the blame – the blame for everything; the blame for why you were mean and abusive, why you had affairs, why you drank alcohol at all hours of the night, why the toilet broke, why there was laundry to be done, why the burgers didn’t turn out well, why you had to have a job, why your truck was dirty, why we had to pay our bills, why we had kids, why the kids had to eat, why the kids wanted to be read to, why your biological daughters were coming to visit, why the camper needed to be cleaned, why I had hurt feelings most days and a few other things.

Goodbye to asking you to help – help with household duties, bills, changing of diapers, or anything that comes with being a married father of 5 children. Because when I asked you of these things, you would scream and yell at me for “making you so tired.” I envied my friends and family who had a husband that would do these sort of things without asking. I still get really emotional thinking of the day one of the kids wanted to learn to ride her bike without training wheels. You sat in a chair disgusted that she would ask you for help. So, her Aunt and Uncle jumped up and within 10 minutes she made a memory with them, instead of you.

Goodbye to walking on eggshells. Everyone hated it! I did, the kids did, our family did and our friends did. You were a ticking time-bomb that won’t be exploding in my home ever again. I’m perfectly content with never biting my tongue again…have fun with that!

Goodbye to being your punching bag. Your mirror. You constantly called me names such as selfish, disrespectful, psychotic, etc….all these things YOU STRUGGLED WITH. And goodbye to sometimes believing you.

Of course, goodbye to all the good things too. There had to be some good in order for me to accept your proposal, right? It was really good in the beginning and we made some really nice memories. Sometimes they sneak up on me and take my breath away. The man I fell in love with and who I thought came in for a new turn in my life has been long gone though. I said goodbye to him a while back. But honestly, he never really existed. It was a mask you wore and wore damn well. But, it’s all over, so adios to that portion of our marriage as well.

And finally, goodbye to having to stand next to a coward; to a man who has never been a place of comfort for his wife or children and who was intentionally absent for most of his daughters’ lives, who walked away from 4 little girls that called him Dad, who couldn’t treat the Mothers of his children with an ounce of respect when in reality, we deserve to be honored and supported whole-heartedly! You will forever carry this burden with you. And because we all know how you wouldn’t dare own up to being this coward.

You will continue to place blame on others as you walk through life. But one day, you will face our Heavenly Lord and the price you pay will be all yours. But honestly, I doubt you’ll make it there. Burn in Hell. (That was me not biting my tongue)

Sincerely,

Your ex-wife who is working to write her Hello letter.

7 Signs You’ve Arrived as a Survivor of Narcissistic Abuse

Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed

7 Signs Blog Pic

Recovering from narcissistic and emotional abuse can seem like an ordeal of the most grievous kind.

You may have endured months of struggle and suffering without knowing if you’re making any progress because the pull to go back remains strong.  You miss the moments under your abuser’s sway because, in your traumatized mind, cognitive dissonance and memories of so-called “good times” cloud your objectivity.

How do you know where you stand on your road to recovery?  Victory isn’t always in-your-face.  Arriving as a survivor of narcissistic abuse comes in waves, even ripples, but if you experience the following seven signs, you can feel gratified knowing that healing is within your reach.

1)  You’ve begun to appreciate that self-care is something you need to participate in consistently. Not only because you are healing from emotional abuse, but because healthy people in general understand the importance of putting on their oxygen…

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Don’t Like What You See? Look a Little Closer… The Mirror of the Empath

Empaths Empowered

mirrorWe have all experienced it, being around someone who has either taken an instant dislike to us, or a bizarre resentment suddenly appears in those we have known for some time. We may have no idea why the other feels this way, as we certainly have not given them reason to have such repugnance towards us. No matter whether they try to hide their feelings or not, we can still sense their loathing and it does not feel good!

Someone taking a dislike to another is a completely normal and acceptable part of life with everyone. We are all different and there will always be some people we do not get along with, whether Sensitive or not. For example, the first impression the Empath has when we first meet someone is always spot on, as to whether we could like or trust that person. This is due to having a…

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The Secret to Happiness – We Had the Answer the Whole Time

Evelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter

I will tell you the secret to happiness and it won’t cost you a dime.

Here it is. TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE, ONCE YOU FIND IT AND UNDERSTAND YOU ARE WORTHY OF IT. You can eliminate pretty much all your self-doubt, worry, and angst by merely living in the moment and accepting that whatever happens, you will be able to deal with it.

Let’s break this down a bit.

After all, you were able to deal with whatever has happened in your life up to this point, right? It may not have been the greatest but you are here, right? Alive and well. Your personal power allowed that. Your divine design allowed you to do that. So in reality all previous angst and worry were for nothing and your fear was false. You anticipated danger when there wasn’t really any. But now you know even more than what you knew back then. So why would you not be able to deal with things better in the future if now you know better? Exactly. That is no secret, folks.
th-23If we have angst, it is because we are fearful of repeating the same patterns, the patterns of the past that caused us pain. We are fearful of pain. We EXPECT there to be pain and the fear of that pain causes us angst about the future. We are born with only two fears – fear of falling and fear of loud noises. All, yes, all of our pain-based emotions (and the list is long) like shame, guilt, anxiety, grief, phobias, compulsions are learned, every darn last one of them. And just like we learned them we can unlearn them.

Read more here on how our emotions become toxic.

There are no “should haves,” “could haves,” or “would haves” in the world, folks, only WHAT IS. And “what is” is exactly what is going on at this very moment.

Got that? RIGHT AT THIS VERY MOMENT.

And there is a HUGE difference between a real rhino chasing us level of danger and fear of potential harm. Fear of harm and real danger are not synonymous. So, in essence, we overestimate the real danger AND underestimate our ability to deal with it. This causes us to suffer angst and to fear unnecessarily. We end up sabotaging our own happiness and and becoming inauthentic versions of ourselves.

th-1However, what we know for sure is that we cannot take the same actions and expect a different outcome. We cannot, as Einstein said, solve problems at the same level of thinking that created them.

We need to merely unleash our personal power to do that. We ALL have this power. We do that by eliminating the obstacles that are blocking our personal power, the irrational beliefs and trauma bonds that cause us to doubt ourselves and our worth and thoughts that are causing us to scare ourselves to death and to stay addicted to our abusers and false beliefs.

knowbetter do betterWhen we know better and that we are worthy of the knowledge, we do better. This is called replacing lies with truth, your own personal truth and living an authentic life. And like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, we had the answer all the time.

I’ll Take Myself and My Sexual Power Back, Thank You.

Essays on the Narcissistic Relationship

shutterstock_226747705.jpgI’ve had a lot of survivors of psychological abuse come to me for advice especially after listening to my radio show and reading the article I wrote with Andrea Schneider titled Is Narcissism Psychological Viagra?  Our sexual feelings when it comes to psychological abusers are not widely discussed. Nor are the ways in which we need to heal that part of us that was awakened by false love.

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Why Abuse Survivors Can Become Notorious Boundary Violators

Evelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter

“The nicest of people in a maladaptive wounded state who have the best of intentions must be mindful of honoring other people’s personal rights while they are learning to not only manage their own boundaries but to respect other’s as well.”

A very important and not so obvious lesson relates to the challenges of managing boundaries for those with codependent tendencies, heavily reliant on others for self-worth.

Case in point. An abuse survivor who is far into her healing journey is called daily by a life-long friend who is a serious codependent and who uses her friend’s power to sustain herself but does not work on building her who own self-assuredness to help her through her personal issues.

Case in point. An abuse survivor with admitted over dependence on others for validation, goes to her sister to let her know how her non-traditional therapy went and was told by her sister never to do that again and feels extreme shame.

What can we learn from these interrelationships related to personal boundaries?

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Boundaries Control the Flow in Both Directions

Read more on managing boundaries here. 

People who are heavily dependent on others for self-worth particularly may have a hard time sourcing their own power and learning self-reliance. Codependents have learned to routinely not only let others violate their boundaries but also to violate other’s boundaries to source from them what they need to define their worth.

emotional_bill_rightsWe can see how this relates in the first case above. It is not fair and totally disrespectful to legitimate friends to overly burden them with too much information about your problems, issues, and your journey, and worse, expect them to wallow in self-pity with you. Innocently, you become, at a minimum, annoying and in the worse case, burdensome, exploitive, and even toxic. So, the nicest of people in a maladaptive wounded state who have the best of intentions must be mindful of honoring other people’s personal rights while they are learning to manage not only their own boundaries but to respect other’s as well.

Let’s look at another very important and not so obvious lesson from the second example.

Don’t Tell All

Now, an emotionally healthy individual whose ego is intact, would merely be concerned that your therapy worked for you and it met your healing goals and ask you how the therapy went. His or her concerns would be focused on your welfare. The point is that by learning not to tell your “sister,” who in this example represents anyone who is not supportive or perhaps even toxic and learning instead to focus on relying on those who do have your back and will reliably validate you, you learn to depend more comfortably on yourself and less on others. Empaths should also be aware that they are naturally trusting of people and have a tendency to voluntarily tell others everything! Readily sharing too much information with others can leave us vulnerable to emotional attackers as well. You can also learn to limit your group of friends to just a key few you can periodically check in with for assurance rather than reliance on their power or acceptance of your decisions to define your worthiness.

Healing and Learning Better Boundary Management

We can learn to better manage boundaries during our healing and recovery by learning what personal rights are and where healthy authorities and boundaries start and finish,  learning to communicate assertively, and doing self-esteem work. Living alone and staying single through healing can facilitate the process. Learning to better deal with toxic people and situations also supports boundary management.

Read more on how to deal with toxic people and situations. 

Read more on managing boundaries here.

These will not only help us make great strides in our healing and sustain our emotional health but also support emotionally healthy and mutually respectful and loving relationships. I explore these issues and provide many more healing lessons, tips and tools in my book Take Your Power Back: Healing Lessons, Tips and Tools for Abuse Survivors.

Beware Narcissists Posing as Healers

Evelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter

th-4I write extensively on the Blog and at the Yourlifelifter Facebook page reminding abuse survivors that healing is all about them, not their abusers and how focusing too much on their abusers will prevent them from healing and taking their personal power back.

I would like to expand on this topic especially with the recent release of exploitive “healing” books on narcissism and the increase of healing Facebook pages being run by narcissists some proclaiming even that they are “recovered” when in fact, there is no cure.

So let’s break this down a bit more.

I can teach you all you want to know about narcissists in about 15 minutes. THAT is how predictable they are in their depravity and that is all you need to heal and get over them. I periodically print about 15 one paragraph Questions and Answers that are ALL you need to know to move forward in healing.

12728933_1029523830454167_7543660069029010331_nThe point is this!

You, we, I can focus our energy on the narcissists and continue to give up our power to them and be exploited and try to figure out why they didn’t love us (which they are not capable of by the way) or we can take our power back, heal, heal our children and move on to live joy- and love-filled lives and thrive.

Which do you choose?

Because I know for a fact that there are dozens of Facebook pages and dozens more exploitive books that throw around words like healing and recovery that do nothing more than PREVENT you from healing.

The owners of the legitimate healing pages know ALL ABOUT THEM! In fact, I have been invited to participate in a panel discussion with other healers on a radio show on Mental Health News Radio to discuss this exact topic.

Folks, anyone can claim they are a narcissism expert.

Anyone can research narcissism and just repeat what they read and reprint it.

Anyone can look up memes on narcissism and repost them.

10947330_10152839810449961_2098951278719241549_nAnyone can write about the same stuff over and over and over again and repackage it differently to keep your emotional juices and trauma based hormones flowing and need for revenge triggered that will keep you trauma bonded to your abusers and uncontrollably needing to read more of the dramatic garbage.

Anyone can plagiarize other people’s works and post them and exploit others to believe they wrote it.

Sounds awful doesn’t it?

Well, this is EXACTLY what the narcissists you have never met are attempting every minute of every day to do to you WHILE THEY PREACH NO CONTACT TO YOU.

Narcissists posing as healers? What a novel idea, right?  Well, it is not so novel. It may be pretty new to Facebook but narcissists infiltrated the medical and psychological professions a long long time ago like pedophiles infiltrated the priesthood.

1098228_1187695837924727_3159249499669189930_nIt is all true because narcissists look for vulnerable victims so they need to be creative. Narcissism falls on a spectrum and there are tons of narcissists who continue to exploit their own victims just like there are narcissistic therapists who exploit their clients and narcissists who prey on their own children.

Why?

Because as I write about all the time, they know exactly what they do and believe they are entitled to all the benefits you can provide them without doing the decades of and daily research it takes to be a legitimate healer.

They forever lack a moral compass.

They forever lack compassion.

They forever lack empathy.

5cfff8c5858232ba3e5cba761677b3af (1)They forever lack the ability to sustain their own selves and parasitically prey on other human beings including their own children and relatives and even those they have traumatically wounded because they simply DO NOT CARE.

What better people to target than those who admittedly need help so they continue to abuse you “by proxy” by posing as a healer.

Read more here on how narcissists have infiltrated the healing and helping professions.

Blood relations do not make anyone immune to a heartless parasite. In fact, it makes the related empaths more vulnerable as we all here are well aware of.

11148662_10152995529557599_2181743658615626665_oThe challenges to a legitimate healer and to those who are healing are these:

To teach and learn just enough about narcissists to understand what happened to you and what your childhood wounds are and what makes you vulnerable to them so YOU CAN HEAL AND PROTECT YOURSELF from these despicable human beings.

Read more on how much you need to know about narcissism to heal.

You need to learn just enough about them so you can take your power back and be your authentic joy-filled selves you were put on this earth to be and thrive.

You need to learn just enough about them so you can heal and so your children can heal through you.

May your spiritual source guide and protect you in your search for truth and keep you safe from these parasitic emotional vampires, these annoying human mosquitoes, posing as healers.

A Victim’s Story of Hope, Healing, and Survival After Narcissistic Abuse

Evelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter

I am posting this letter I received with permission from the author that describes poignantly the power we all have to not only heal but thrive and live our authentic joy-filled lives after narcissistic abuse! I would like to thank the author personally for inspiring me and reminding me why I do what I do and trusting me with these beautiful words.

Dear Evelyn,

I ended a relationship with a narcissist last month…I am still healing the wounds of my heart and soul. I still miss him and I love him so much. However, I know what I want now and, most important, I know why I was in this crazy relationship.

My mother was a narcissist abuser and I suffered my whole life with her and never, ever, noticed that, until I got this relationship. Interesting that my ex and my mother were so alike that they used to criticize or praise each other for the same reasons. I almost married my own mother. When I think how nuts this is, oh my God, what I was going to do with my life. My main feeling after all is of gratitude.

I am deeply and forever thankful for people like you and your wise and brave page. The impact you have in our lives is tremendous and you are in my prayers, my dear, for the rest of my life. I also have to thank a professor who inspired me telling about her own experience. She posted about her life and I saw myself in her shoes. I was living what she was saying. That was so inspiring and made me spend hours and hours reading about this disorder. I also have to thank an article I read about a book called Mean Mothers: Overcoming the Legacy of Hurt by Peg Streep. I live in Brazil and this book is not available here yet, so I will have to wait to read it all, but only one page describing what the author found out about women who were not loved by their mothers (7 main consequences) made me understand exactly why I was in this relationship.

Do you know how I feel now? Free. Absolutely free of this prison! I am free from a double prison, from my mother and from him. For so long I tried to understand my fears, my doubts, my questions, my insecure and lack of confidence. For so long I thought I could help my mother. I can’t. I can’t. And I don’t have to help her, this is not my problem. I am doing everything I can to get better. After 46 years suffering attacks from my mother and 4 years proving the same poison from the man I love, I used all I had around me.

My therapist used flower remedies and aromatherapy. Some months before my breakup, I did regression therapy (not of past lives, I don’t like it, only from womb and on). I was able to heal from my fears and traumas in only 3 months of therapy. I practice yoga and meditation every day, more than once a day. The best of all is a group of friends I have, all of them women, we get together 2 or 3 times a year to spend a weekend in a hotel, doing lots of things together. We talk, we dance, we meditate, do yoga. It is a sacred feminine immersion. It is a blessing in my life and I have been doing it for 9 years. Luckily there will be one of these workshops next month, I’m counting the days to get there.

I just would like to mention something that helped somehow. Two years ago, I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me. That was when I found out about his personality disorder and all the things I had to understand about him. Meanwhile, I had the chance to forgive him, give him another chance and for more than one year, my life was amazing!! Until of course he decided to go back to attack me. I don’t regret giving him another chance, though. At that time, I had to deal with one thing only, the fact that he was not faithful. He helped me healing from this wound he left in my heart. He was amazing, he did everything he could and much more to make me feel better again. Now I have to deal with the break up. One problem at a time. Does it make sense to you? It does to me, I feel like he made it up to me. Now it is time to move on. And the reason I broke up with him, besides his personality, was the fact that I found out he was just like my mother.

Now, after 2 years getting ready for this moment, I feel first of all gratitude for this lesson I had to learn. He was the bridge I was given to cross this river of pain from not being loved by my mother. Second, I really leave him feeling peace and love for everything and everybody. I don’t hate my mother, I don’t feel any negative feeling for him. They are who they are and I have nothing to do with it. My heart is filled with peace and love, nothing can be better than this. Finally, I forgive them, how wonderful this is. But I wouldn’t have achieved this if I had broken up with him 2 years ago, I was so blind at that time, I wouldn’t have seen what I am seeing now…

Thank you so much for everything, I really appreciate your words, messages, pictures, I read everything you post. May God bless your life and all you do.

Best regards,

M. A.

 

What is a Family and What It’s Not

Evelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter

12400906_10153646045097819_7827403978609735220_nTo put it simply, as related to humans, a family is a group of people who are connected in some way. We have birth families who are connected by genetics. We also have our group of connected friends or neighbors or communities such as Yourlifelifter that are our “families.” We all create and become part of “families” separate from our birth family all the time.

Whichever the case, this I know for sure. The rules of emotional health apply to ALL families and all relationships and moreso:

  • A family of birth is not exempt from these rules because they are genetically related. Invisible genetics do not entitle people to abuse, ignore, neglect, degrade, denigrate, betray, abandon, and crap on others.

Read more how intergenerational abuse is perpetuated here.

  • Our rights and authorities as humans and citizens do not change because we are related by birth. It does not give people a right to profess to love you and habitually betray you, abuse you, single you out, and abandon you in your time of need.
  • A “family” is not entitled to habitually violate each other’s personal boundaries and disrespect and dishonor their personal rights and feed off of the personal power they take from others to feed the gaps in their psyches.
  • A “family” is not a bunch of people who selectively choose to put the undeserving Golden Children on pedestals and scapegoat, crap on, and exploit the kind-hearted, empathetic, smart, bright, talented, and compassionate ones.
  • A “family” does not choose who stays and whom they target, betray and abandon because they did not suit them.

Read more on how intergenerational abuse is perpetuated here.

15220027_10155491353087542_126589844015246668_nA position in a loving family is a role of honor that is earned by showing the members love, honor and respect in the same way we do them. That is what emotionally healthy mutually beneficial relationships are. That is what love is. And we ALL deserve that –  every darn single one of us! That is a universal right as a human being that we are all born with.

So rid yourself of the toxic people in your life and go out and choose your loving family and selectively allow in only those who love, honor and respect you in the same way you do them. And start creating your own customs, joy, and memories with those who deserve your love and respect.

And when you find your family, those whose truth aligns with yours, THAT is real LOVE and when the magic starts.

The little-known reasons why you need to leave the narcissist ASAP!

Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed

The effects of psychological and narcissistic abuse come with many devastating consequences, but there are two that almost no one knows about–unless they’re a doctor or neuroscientist.

In fact, these two outcomes may be the most destructive result of emotional trauma over the long-term and is an added reason why–if you have children with a narcissistic partner–you should try to leave as soon as reasonably possible.

By now, most of us know that repeated emotional trauma leads to both PTSD and C-PTSD, which should be reason enough to leave an abusive partner.  But, what many people don’t realize is that over time, these repeated emotional injuries shrink the hippocampus, which is responsible for memory and learning, while enlarging the amygdala, which houses primitive emotions such as fear, grief, guilt, envy, and shame.

Hippocampus basics

The hippocampus, which is Greek for “seahorse,” is a paired structure tucked inside each temporal lobe and…

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The Body Keeps the Score (Part Two) — how trauma changes us

Everything Matters: Beyond Meds

By William Harryman


Bessel van der Kolk – The Body Keeps the Score (Part Two)

The title of this talk is the nearly identical to that of a new book from Bessel van der Kolk due out in June, 2014The Body Keeps the Score(pre-order at Amazon). I will be excited to see this new work – his research in the recent years has focused on yoga, tapping (Emotional Freedom Technique), chi gong, and neurofeedback, among other body-centered modalities for healing trauma.

What follows are my notes, as best as I can make them sensible from yesterday’s 3 hour talk. This is part two – part one is here. This second installment is more than half of the talk and it gets into the neuroscience a lot more.

The Body Keeps the Score, Part II

Mental illness is now conceived of as a dysfunction in brain…

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What Happens When You Marry Han Solo….

Essays on the Narcissistic Relationship

starfeild-1184006

Luke Skywalker was cute as Hell and I almost put a picture of him on my bedroom wall amidst all the other pictures I had cut from magazines in my youth. In my middle-age reflections I realize I had assembled a collage of disturbed men, including Steven Collins during his stint on the 1982 adventure show, “Tales of the Gold Monkey” and Gerald McRaney, from the American television detective series, “Simon & Simon” which ran 1981-95. However, none of those heroes could hold a candle to Han Solo.

I see these figures now as my early training towards “love”–with psychopaths, sociopaths, and malignant narcissists. Han Solo was devilishly handsome and lived outside the universe of acceptable behavior … I mean outside the entire universe. Not even the dregs of universal society liked him. But, Han got the princess and young girls like me were groomed to believe that underneath that roguish…

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How Abusers Use Your Vulnerabilities Against You

Evelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter

10947330_10152839810449961_2098951278719241549_n

Maladaptive behaviors do not spontaneously develop. They are learned in childhood where we are growing rapidly and learning to become integrated functioning human beings. These vulnerabilities are the result of the legacy toxic shame that we are left with from years of betrayal from those who professed to love us and who were supposed to help us feel safe and teach us to rely on our own emotions and selves to sustain our joy, maintain healthy relationships, and thrive. Betrayal includes neglect and invalidation and coddling and even expecting children to grow up too fast and be “mini-adults” and take care of the other children. Even parents with the best of intentions can betray their children by not nurturing them and not validating them and not teaching them to rely comfortably on their own emotions. So folks who may not have been overtly abused and believe they were raised in the best of families can also experience the effects of betrayal and become pain addicted and dependent on others to regulate their pain and define their worth. Survivors of childhood “abuse” bring these “bad habits” with them into adulthood. We go on to teach the skewed unhealthy thinking to our children who mirror us. Narcissists also use these vulnerabilities against us and target us.

shame

Abuse Survivors Readily Let Their Boundaries Down

Abuse survivors typically were exposed to constant boundary violation and disrespect of their emotional and physical rights and authority. The results? They are not accustomed to honoring their personal rights and authority. As they move into adulthood, they openly offer way too much information related to their personal lives and feelings to others that while “honest,” can advertise their vulnerabilities to narcissists, bullies and other abusers and make them susceptible to their attacks. Abuse survivors who are empaths, can also be too trusting.

take-your-power-back-300x300According to Dr. Jane McGregor, empaths are ordinary people who are highly perceptive and insightful and belong to the 40% of human beings who sense when something’s not right, who respond to their gut instinct, and who take action and speak up. They frequently like the child in the “The Emperor’s New Clothes,” will tell the truth and expose lies and wrong doing. A particular attribute in empaths is that they have trouble comprehending a closed mind and lack of compassion in others. This inability to see the “bad” in others also significantly enhances their vulnerability to attacks from emotional vampires throughout their lives.  Read more here on how narcissists target empaths. Empaths, to appease their need to “make things right,” may also “speak too much too soon” without scoping out the landscape first. Read more on empaths here. Trusting others before you have evaluated whether they are “on your side” or not is simply not a wise thing to do. Would you let your money hang out of your wallet while you walked down the street? I think not. Well, the same applies to your own personal emotional health and well-being that hold much more worth to your long term survival than money!

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How Do Narcissists Know We are Vulnerable

Well, they learned how to recognize their potential victims in the same place you were abused – by watching the abusers in their own families. They are very slick and have spent years studying their prey, other humans no different than a mother lion teaches its cubs to stealthily hunt for a gazelle. They lack emotional empathy but have developed and learned “cognitive empathy” so they can recognize what triggers your emotions and what does not. As they get older, they hone those abilities and, for example, learn to target empaths, sensitive, compassionate people with high emotional intelligence and actively plan and plot how to “steal” their power from them by manipulating it from them. They also learn to target conscientious hard working and generous people who bring much value to the family, group, job or organization.

How Do We Learn to Protect Ourselves

The good news? We can heal. When we take our power back and build our self-esteem through self-care and self-compassion and better understand our personal rights and boundaries, we learn to release the shame and honor our personal divinity and share our truth when it is in our own best interest to do so and only with those we consciously recognize as equally deserving. We can learn to identify emotional vampires in our lives. We can also learn to assertively protect our boundaries and learn to protect ourselves from toxic people.

Read more and get many more healing lessons, tip and tools in my book, Take Your Power Back. 

Take Your Power Back is a step-by-step “How To” guide to teach you to regain and use your personal power to turn your pain-based life to one that is joy filled. It will help you discover that the source of truth-based healing resides in each and every one of you and how to tap into that infinite power.

Why Did I Get Involved with a Jerk and What Can I Do About It?

12417929_173873962976513_7464281019901344000_nEvelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter

Reprinted from September 15, 2013

I have been puzzled for many years with the answers to these questions:

“Why would any decent person get involved with a jerk, Why do bullies target certain people?” And “What do you do to prevent getting hooked up with these idiots in the future?” After researching for over 20 years, I have summarized the answers below: You can get much more detailed information in my book, Take Your Power Back: Healing Lessons, Tips, and Tools for Abuse Survivors.

The Jerks Find You – You Did Not Find Them

  1. Accept that you did not intentionally get hooked up with these monsters or deserve it and you did nothing wrong or provoked them in ANY way. Read more here.
  2. They hunted for and found you because they perceive you as a threat or you have something they want and they know they cannot acquire on their own and simply do not want to work for it. You did not find them and they stalked you as their prey. They interpret your kindness and differences as weaknesses and are jealous and envious of your successes. After you, they will go on to their next victim.
  3. You were victimized as you were as a child. If you do not think you were a victim as a
    child, you are in denial. So think again because you would not be in this situation.
  4. They are masters of charm and manipulation, lack compassion, are eaten alive by jealousy and envy, and feel they are entitled to whatever they WANT AND NEED as Ted Bundy, Hitler and Mao Tsetung were without working for and earning it. They will steal your soul in front of an audience of 10,000, while eating a ham sandwich, deny it, and convince everyone that you are crazy and made it up and they were eating lasagna.
  5. You believe (falsely) this is what you deserve and you do not deserve better.
  6. You do not know what better is because you had and have no good role models or examples of healthy harmonious personal or family relationships (see list of characteristics of healthy harmonious relationships below). You lived in a family that consistently violated your and each other’s emotional, physical and personal boundaries.
  7. Growing up as a defenseless child in critical stages of emotional development, you had no choice but to learn how to love in a manner that was defined by another narcissistic abusive jerk’s reality and denial where he/she/they forced you to fit into a role he/she/they CHOSE for you so they could feed off of your soul and energy to fill the gaps in theirs. If you wonder why they targeted you, see Number 2 above.
  8. Your core truths about who you really are were damaged from growing up in the narcissist’s reality described in Number 7 above. This treatment and betrayal damaged your core beliefs and sense of self-worth and your sense of lovability since you were victimized by those you trusted with your heart to love you and keep you safe unconditionally.
  9. Your damaged invisible core belief (that you desperately and immediately need to challenge and change) is that you have to feel pain and suffer to be lovable and to be good.

Cannot heal at same level as pain

Distorted Thinking Patterns Make Us Vulnerable to Jerks

Remember, folks, we move in the direction of, create in reality, and do what we believe to be true EVEN IF it is a lie. Your filters for screening out narcissistic jerks were damaged in the process. The problem being, that if you meet someone who is really a good person and you are not feeling pain, you are at risk of feeling unloved and unworthy and then sabotage the “good” relationship. Relationships with jerks bring you pain that you associate with being lovable and a good person and believe you are powerless to and you do not believe you deserve better. You also most likely are an empath with codependent tendencies, self-sacrifice for other people, and believe you must fix their problems before you take care of yourself.

emotional_bill_rightsWhat You Can Do About It

To heal and recover from a relationship with a jerk and not get hooked up with one again, you need to break these distorted thinking patterns. Truly understand 1 through 9 above and bring them into your conscious awareness and challenge and change these ridiculous false core beliefs, lies you were taught to believe. Reprogram your thinking and redefine your self-worth to understand who you truly are through untainted filters. To accomplish this:

  1. Bring the broken core beliefs (I deserve to feel pain to be lovable and to be a good person and I am powerless to my emotional pain) into your consciousness and change them by using self-talk. You can help to do this by repeating the following to yourself several times a day: Add to this list as you see fit.
    • I have the personal power, right and authority to regulate my emotions including my pain-based ones which exist to protect me, not harm me.
    • I deserve and have a right to be treated with dignity and respect in any relationship.
    • I deserve and have a right to be happy and pain-free in any relationship.
    • I was born lovable and am lovable ALL the time and anytime.
    • I deserve and have a right to be in a healthy harmonious relationship (see characteristics of one below)
    • I deserve all my personal, emotional, and physical boundaries to be respected and needs to be met first. Take assertive classes to learn how to say “no” in constructive ways to help you protect and manage your personal, emotional, and physical boundaries.
  2. Surround yourself with only positive loving supportive people and preferably those who have survived similar personal and family relationships who will listen, care, understand where you are coming from and provide constructive feedback in a safe environment. Join a support group, blog, or Facebook page of survivors of narcissistic abuse or any type of abuse. Seek counseling only from competent professionals who are experienced in narcissistic personality disorder, trauma bonding, post traumatic stress, and addictive behaviors. Many say they are but are not so get recommendations from reputable sources.
  3. Practice self-care, self-compassion, and assertiveness. Learn how to not say yes when you mean no. Most of us were punished for even taking care of our basic needs so this will be a tough one to learn but is CRITICAL to your healing AND rebuilding your self-worth and honoring your personal rights, authorities, and boundaries.
  4. Learn about narcissistic personality disorder and the manipulation tactics of covert aggressive personalities. This is the worst of the personality disorders and once you educate yourself, you can tell right away if the one you were or are with is one and can recognize another one from a mile away.
  5. Eliminate toxic people from your life and ALL contact with the jerks or learn how to maintain your self-preservation when dealing with them. 11248949_10152916566146439_9136272755930132611_o
  6. Stay by yourself until you come into your own truth and fully heal and recover. Read more on how living alone can support emotional health.
  7. Learn the characteristics of healthy relationships and families. Gauge your interactions and feelings using these traits and set these as targets and what to aspire to in your relationships. If you are in a relationship or even a job and you answer no to one or more in the following list, then you better reconsider or run for the hills. Why would you settle for anything less than what is healthy and harmonious and that you are deserving of? The opposite is unhealthy, toxic, and chaotic! Life is too short, folks. For example, I deserve and want personal, family, and professional relationships where:
    • Individual human rights are valued and encouraged and empathy and compassion are shown in all dealings.
    • Tolerance and acceptance of everyone’s differences are encouraged and are the norm.
    • Unity, loyalty, respect, and consideration are communicated routinely as taking precedence over ANY individual’s narcissistic self-serving concerns. There are no favorites or golden ones, including children, spouses, siblings, parents, partners, co-workers, bosses, etc.
    • There are no scapegoats or self-serving rules, lies, labels, or myths about anyone!imgres-2
    • Feelings and dissenting views are tolerated and others do what they can to sooth, validate, and understand each other’s pain, feelings, and opinions.
    • Members do not make fun of each other or use others at their expense.
    • Warmth, generosity, and affection are the norm and coldness and iciness and greed are discouraged and frowned upon.
    • Independence is fostered and members are encouraged to develop their own codes of conduct and governance and interests and to validate each other’s thoughts and decisions.
    • Independence of thought and action is permitted and members feel free to make their own decisions without undue fear of punishment, criticism and withdrawal of love or affection.
    • Distinctiveness and uniqueness are valued and accepted as a human right and are not criticized or frowned upon.
    • Members are not scapegoated or bullied or verbally, physically or emotionally abused or neglected for any reason.
    • Communications and open discussions are valued and differing opinions are accepted and tolerated.
    • Other’s feelings are regarded as important and are heard, validated, and valued.
    • Members are treated respectfully and politely and say please, thank you, and excuse me and apologize openly.
    • Members respect others’ personal, physical, and emotional boundaries.
    • Members support each other in times of STRUGGLE and TRIUMPH and are not jealous or envious of each other or a chosen targeted few.
    • Special occasions are acknowledged equally for and by all.
    • Tolerance is shown for growth, mistakes and development.
    • Members are supported in the achievement of their personal and if at work, their professional goals.

Greg Zaffuto ReviewFor more healing lessons, tips and tools, I invite you to learn more in my book Take Your Power Back: Healing Lessons, Tips and Tools for Abuse Survivors

Learning the Truth About Ourselves After Abuse

Evelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter

magic llusion truth

Years ago my cousin Louisa told me that I had the natural ability to make people feel good. Well, I had to think about that for a moment. My first response was, “Well, I guess that is not so bad a quality to have.” It took me years of unnecessary pain, grief, and anger to understand the true value of what I now realize is a “gift” that I should not have taken for granted for a second. All that angst? For what?

 

Learning the Truth about Yourself

It also took me years to learn that this “gift” and my intelligence, compassion, and integrity made and continue to make me a target of bullies, scapegoaters, narcissists, and other emotional vampires. In short, it took years to learn the truth about myself. Does this story sound even a little bit familiar to the other folks out there? I would bet you a $100.00 it does and this is why.

We are human. We are fallible and we learn through our successful and our, well, not so successful, endeavors. This is how our characters and personalities and belief systems evolve and mature. This is how we learn what nourishes our soul.

Learn more on how work and obligation contribute to emotional health and building character.

It’s that simple. Learning how our minds work and what causes the invisible barriers such as fears, anger, angst, phobias we possess can set all of us on a pathway to understanding the truth about ourselves. Once you have clarity, you have freedom to choose and put in place the steps to deal with these invisible barriers. Once you do that, the pathway to happiness is cleared of the obstacles that prevented you from getting there all along. Look at anger, for example. Here is a quote from Dr. Lynne Namka’s book, How To Let Go of Your Mad Baggage.

“Life is full of multidimensional possibilities… Remember, you don’t have to keep on doing the same-o, same-o. Choices. Life is about choices. …One great thing about being a Human Being is that you do get choices. We can use our choices…to become gentle, loving people. What better option do you have to do with your lifetime? Choose wisely.”

I agree totally. We have the choice to break the cycles once we know the truth. Let’s discuss our upbringing for a moment and how it affected us. Do you have a history of being a victim of abuse, degradation, bullying, scapegoating? Then, most likely you were abused, degraded, bullied and scapegoated as a child. And most likely you are an empath since bullies target empaths.

Read more on the McGregor Studies showing how narcissists, bullies, and psychopaths target empaths.

We repeat the same patterns we were conditioned to accept and be familiar with as children and even become the abusers! Personally, I think anyone who was the target of abuse can achieve clarity by understanding the abuser and why you were you targeted to begin with. These truths can set you free to wise choices.

Is Abuse about the Abuser

The truth is that the abusers, shadowed their pain and inadequacies on others they perceive as a threat, a threat that is entirely in their mind. What a revelation, right Yes. They are the broken ones yet other innocent victims are made to suffer, the perfect definition of a scapegoat. I will discuss more “facts” about the innocent victims a little later.

According to http://www.bullyonline.org “Bullies are seething with resentment, bitterness, hatred and anger, and often have wide-ranging prejudices as a vehicle for dumping their anger onto others. Bullies are driven by jealousy and envy. Rejection (which cannot be assuaged) is another powerful motivator of bullying.” But why don’t bullies seek help? The answer is simple. They lack the abilities to do so. They are emotionally weak and fragile. They are the ones with abominably low levels of self-esteem who never seek or deal with the truth or make any efforts to improve because they do not have the abilities to self analyze or self sooth.

Read more on how much we need to know about narcissists to heal.

Since childhood, bullies learned to avoid the unpleasant consequences through denial, blame, and pretending victimhood. They are psychologically deficient and most likely personality disordered and are not able to see any fault in themselves. They also lack compassion and, frankly, do not think what they are doing is wrong. Frequently they are energy vampires and cannot generate their own energy. So they seek out and find targets from whom they can easily steal energy.

th-11Bullies also gang up on victims. They like to recruit other broken ones, the proverbial “flying monkeys,” most like them and frequently make them the golden children or “favorites,” partners in crime of a sort. So now they, the other family bullies, and the golden children rally against the selected black sheep and collectively dump their emotional garbage to obtain psychological relief, what I refer to as “psychological burping.“ In a sense, the black sheep role keeps the dysfunctional family, that routinely violates family members’ personal boundaries, intact. The family “normalizes’ dysfunction and the children grow to repeat the family roles that were chosen for them in their families.

Read more about dysfunctional families and intergenerational abuse here.

The black sheep then live pain-based lives they were conditioned to believe were their destiny, frequently ones of pain, drugs and alcohol abuse, emotional abuse, low self-esteem, and low sense of self-worth throughout their lives. They can go on to become the abusers and/or marry abusers or self-sacrifice for others and become codependents while neglecting their own needs.

1098228_1187695837924727_3159249499669189930_nWhy are We Targeted?

Why are the “black sheep” targeted to begin with? Do they deserve this treatment? Do they taunt the abusers? Why are some folks bullied while others are not? This selection has really nothing to do with you personally. But it has lots to do with the type of person you are, your vulnerability, and your personality and character. Here is a list of qualities in people who are typically bullied or scapegoated and how they are perceived by the abuser:

Learn more on why narcissists target empaths.

Note:   These are all characteristics of highly productive emotionally intelligent empathetic people with high integrity, qualities the bullies and scapegoaters do not possess and most likely never will. They also include characteristics that make us vulnerable.

  • Uniqueness. Stand out in some way (Qualities the bully envies or can pick on)
  • Independent and refuse to be subservient (Qualities that make it harder for the bullies to control so you are singled out as threat)
  • Highly competent or talented (Bullies are jealous, can’t stand to share credit and view this as competition)
  • Better liked and possess greater emotional intelligence (Bullies are jealous and perceive these as a threat)
  • Possess a good sense of humor (Bullies are envious of attention you receive and perceive you as a threat)
  • Ethical, generous, and honest with a desire to help, heal, teach, develop, and nurture others (Bullies are envious and they perceive this as submissiveness and a threat)
  • Non-confrontational (Bullies interpret this as submissiveness).
  • Empathetic; natural rescuers and healers with exaggerated compassion (Bullies interpret this as weakness and vulnerability)

Bullied individuals are frequently highly talented intelligent and people of the highest character. This list reflects the insipid and insidious nature of abuse, neglect, and scapegoating. The pain bullied individuals hold is the pain shadowed upon them by those who they trusted to love and protect them. The immeasurable damage is invisible and the patterns of destruction repeat themselves until, that is, you learn the truth, select other options, and break the cycles.

705466_COVER_Mockup1The point is, folks, that you have the free will to choose to parent yourself, treat yourself well, nourish your soul, and decide with whom you want to associate. You have the freedom and power to heal and replace the toxic beliefs and fears you are familiar and comfortable with with emotionally healthy ones founded on your personal truth, not lies you were conditioned to believe. You have the choice to remove toxic people from your life and surround yourself with loving people with whom you have reciprocal balanced mutually respectful relationships. You have the choice to live the life you choose and the one you deserve. You have the power to learn to monitor and manage boundaries and stop violating boundaries of others and stop others from violating yours. These choices and skills are all free for the taking once you take your power back and learn the truth about your real self-worth and the blessed person you truly are.

Learn more on becoming your authentic self.

I explore these issues in much more detail in my book Take Your Power Back: Healing Lessons, Tips, and Tools for Abuse Survivors.