Why the Narcissist’s Leaving is a Blessing

Evelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter

blessingsI’d like to clarify a huge misperception related to relationships, narcissists, and abandonment that will help facilitate recovery for narcissistic abuse survivors.

Now, any normal human being would think that if the person they love abandons them and leaves (for no obvious or apparent reason), then something is wrong with me not them. The normal human reaction to abandonment and betrayal is shame, specifically self-blame, self-hate, self-loathing and even self-sabotage.

Well, I am here to tell you that in relationships with narcissists, not only is this NOT accurate, it is totally false and this is why?

We are dealing with pathologically disordered, manipulative, covert, aggressive, slick individuals who lack compassion and empathy. So situations with “narcissists leaving” and in fact nothing dealing with narcissists is “normal.”

And the reality of a narcissist’s leaving, which is, in fact, a blessing, goes more like this:

Scenario #1 – We Tell Them to Leave

We don’t have to wait till the narcissists are gone and we have no contact with them to heal. Many of the 16,000 community members from 45 countries at Yourlifelifter are still in relationships with, working with, married to, and or living with narcissists. We are all in different stages of emotional health. I, personally, was on a healing journey long before I chose to have no or very limited contact with the toxic people in my life.

So we can start healing and getting stronger, realize they are soul suckers and burdens, learn they do not love us or anyone for that matter before we choose to tell them to leave, have no or limit contact with them, or perhaps reestablish the boundaries and rules for interacting with them. Then we tell them to leave. What is their reaction?

Well, the behavior of narcissists when they have suffered a “narcissistic injury” and we catch on to their “act” is pretty predictable. In short, they freak out!

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Why?

magic llusion truthBecause their toxic fear of shame kicks in. The jig is up. We have discovered that the “All Powerful Oz” is nothing but a bunch of smoke and mirrors. They have been exposed for who they truly are – spineless, weak, powerless. In addition, they are losing their power source, their narcissistic supply and have no backup supply. So, predictably, they do what anyone with the emotional maturity of a three year old and a starving vampire in the sunlight would do.

They have a tantrum! They rage and act like lunatics because now they have to work to regain the supply they exploited and tried to destroy before they are prepared to and want to. Their thinking goes something like, “How dare you interfere with me exploiting you and making me work for something I have readily stolen from you and tell others, I thought I had duped, the truth about me! You are making me have to work and now I have to start a smear campaign against you and turn the kids and everyone we know against you. More work that I loathe! I will destroy you before you expose me and leave you with nothing. I will do all I can to win and if I win, you must lose.”

They typically make your life miserable before they leave but once they leave some will even attempt to “hoover” back around to manipulate you into taking them back until, that is, they find other more “reliable” supply.

Read more here on hoovering from Melanie Tonia Evans.

Scenario #2 – We Call Them Out on their Abusive Disordered Behavior and They Voluntarily Leave

Scenario #2 is similar to the first scenario except in this case, they leave of their own accord after we call them out on their manipulation and abuse. Once more, the jig is up.

Similar to Scenario #1, their toxic fear of shame predictably kicks in and they freak out because they have been exposed for the spineless, weak, powerless people they really are and they are losing their narcissistic supply. They rage and if they have narcissistic supply waiting for them, they leave. If they do not have narcissistic supply available, they will hunt for, target, and catch some using the same manipulation tactics and lies he/she told you and then leave. Their thinking goes something like, “I was planning on leaving anyway but how dare you make me work and start a smear campaign against you and turn the kids against you so I can prevent you from telling others, I thought I had duped, the truth about me! I will destroy you before you expose me and leave you with nothing to show everyone I am grand and get the adulation I am entitled to. Now that you are healing it will be harder for me to do so and that makes me angry.”

They typically make your life miserable before they leave but once they leave some will even attempt to “hoover” back around to manipulate you into taking them back until, that is, they find other more “reliable” supply.

Read more here on hoovering from Melanie Tonia Evans.

Scenario #3 – They Abandon Us

This scenario is one in which the victims are typically in very unhealthy emotional states, frequently depressed, traumatized, emotionally fatigued and perhaps have suspected or experienced infidelity and emotional betrayal for some time. Note in this Scenario, that the betrayal usually starts long before the narcissist’s departure and the victims are typically not educated on what and why this happened.

Narcissists who abruptly abandon their spouses, significant others and children usually have backup supply already waiting and their exit strategy all preplanned. This is all part of a narcissist’s modus operandi, their MO. It is just what they all do. They have to because they cannot generate their own power or source their worth from within. They select their targets and use love intentionally as their camouflage, abuse their targets with constant invalidation and emotional abuse, neglect, and manipulation.

After they inflict emotional harm on us, they leave and move on to the next victim who like most of us is totally unaware they are pathological narcissists and are victimizing her or him for their parasitic self-gain. They will hunt for, target, and catch new supply using the same grooming and manipulation tactics they used on you and lies he/she told you. Their thinking goes something like, “You are no longer benefitting me. I deserve someone who will adulate me and who I can easily dupe. I have all the pieces in place to fool others. I have them eating out of my hand. That is how stupid and weak they really are. You have made it easier for me to start a smear campaign against you and turn the kids against you. My plan worked. I have new supply who makes me look good and I have her/him eating out of my hand. I will destroy you before you expose me and leave you with nothing.”

Do Narcissists Who Leave Forget About Us?

Narcissists do not ever forget anyone who has provided them narcissistic supply for two primary reasons. First, they use us as backup supply and will return to us in a heartbeat when their supply is low or is of poor quality like a lion that returns to its favorite hunting ground. So it is common, after you have told them to leave or they leave voluntarily, for them to contact you “out of the blue” with charm, in the guise that they miss and love you, and act totally like nothing happened. This behavior is so abundantly common and predictable that we give it a name – “hoovering.”

Read more here on hoovering from Melanie Tonia Evans.

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Second, they also are in constant fear of being exposed in court or to his or her friends or family. So he/she is ready at any moment to recruit his/her proxies, proverbial “flying monkeys,” to engage in a character assassinating campaign of lies against you to discredit you and provide an illusion that you are the crazy one and he or she is the saint for having put up with you as long as they did.

Narcissists are so predictable and so disordered they could one day lie in court under oath to destroy your credibility, assassinate your character, steal your last nickel, alienate your children from you, and the next, ask you to have sex.

1098228_1187695837924727_3159249499669189930_nNarcissists Only Target the Best of the Best

In the midst of the chaos and depravity, abuse, confusion, pain and crazy making, we can easily and, thankfully, temporarily lose sight of our real worth, lovability, and personal power. What is most important to remember is that narcissists only target the best of the best, those who may in the short term be susceptible to their attacks due to unhealed childhood wounds and inexperience with healthy relationships, but those who nevertheless are undeniably the kindest people of the highest integrity of character in the world and who therapists claim are physically the most appealing.

And the best news of all? You can heal. So when the narcissists leave, voluntarily or not, they are actually doing us a tremendous favor! They are providing us an opportunity to heal longstanding emotional wounds. Now you are free to heal those wounds that were unhealed when you met the narcissists, move forward in your life and thrive. And as we heal our children can heal through us.

The narcissists cannot. Notice in any situation, the narcissist just moves on to its next host and prey but would return in a heartbeat when they narcissist supplies are low or lacking. They, like all vampires, forever remain human parasites.

 

 

4 thoughts on “Why the Narcissist’s Leaving is a Blessing

  1. Pedro L Roman Jr says:

    Thank you so much for this post, I fit in scenario 1 and everything you said here is exactly what happened… Always follow your gut feeling and never feel disappointed in yourself for not making it work because in the short or long run it never will and the longer the relationship the stronger that unhealthy bond gets. My relationship was only a few months but I ignored the red flags because the love bombing was so intense, she moved in my house after 2 months of seeing each other and without having a normal date (mostly just sex encounters), pay attention to the little comments they make that make you feel uneasy (better to ask for forgiveness than permission, don’t make me lie to you if you’re going to get upset about everything, etc…). My heart goes to everyone who went thru this experience because I know how incredibly painful it is, give yourself time and trust in yourself that it will get so much better and clearer…. but yes, it does take time.

    Like

  2. donna lowe says:

    Wow…I didn’t really know what a Narcissist is or do…when I read the Abandonment scenario…that is exactly what happened to me! Until this moment I never understood why he left but now I do…it makes so much more since…all those books I read…devoured… for an Answer…did not tell me what went wrong Cuz I thought it was me starting to change that he didn’t like so could that be true Evelyn Ryan?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Evelyn Ryan says:

      If someone truly loved you in a way you deserved, they would promote and support your personal growth, not abandon you because you were being “human” and maturing as we all do. Good riddance…now you can focus on your emotional health without all the barriers and work on your self-worth and self-care and seeking out those who are worthy of you. Blessings to you in your search for truth!

      Like

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