Evelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter
The short answer? They are aggressive covert parasites with charm.
The long answer? They are character disordered. They want to and that is their intention and that is just what they do. They do it to everyone, but they needed you the most to provide them narcissistic supply for a long period of time and you came along at an opportune time for them. You were convenient. They wanted all the benefits you could supply them without any of the work so they targeted you. They found you. You did not find them.
Now, they could not tell you this, could they, because you would say, “who is this lunatic (which is what they really are)” and run for the hills if you knew the illusion and grooming was all a ploy, a con, a lie and they used love as their camouflage.
READ MORE ON THIS PROVOCATIVE TOPIC in Evelyn Ryan’s Book, Take Your Power Back: Healing Lessons, Tips, and Tools for Abuse Survivors.
It is exhausting for them to pretend because it takes work and they do not like to work so, in time, their true colors emerge and you get to see who they REALLY are….covert aggressive weak uncompassionate emotional vampires who would sell their own mother and children for a nickel if it served them. But your cognitive dissonance, your inner belief system that keeps you safe, causes you to doubt what you are seeing and feeling. Why? Because they insert an element of doubt into our reality and trigger our pain from childhood and we start to feel uncomfortable in our own bodies, unsafe and defenseless in the same way we were made to feel defenseless in childhood.
This, folks, is the core to what causes the highs and lows of trauma bonding and we think the narcissists, the abusers, are the only ones with the power to alleviate it (like we thought in childhood) when in reality they are so weak they have to parasitically feed off the energy of other people. This creates an addictive dooloop of uncertainty and pain that we think WE are the cause of and are deserving of.
This is the core to any abuse but the primary core to the harm caused from aggressive long term invalidation from narcissistic abuse. Narcissists intentionally and premeditatedly take all they can from us that they cannot supply themselves and that will serve them long term and help feed an illusion of “normalcy” to the world and then proceed to deplete us. That was their plan from the beginning. They turn us figuratively into them and then destroy us. THAT is how much they loathe themselves and the magnitude of THEIR personal shame.
Divorce or breaking up with them is like acid on their skin to them because they have lost their camouflage of normalcy and fear being exposed to the world for who they really are….you are seeing the magnitude of the evil wrath, inability to love, lack of compassion, and aggression triggered by their TOXIC fear of shame. You are seeing the wolf who has taken off his or her sheep’s clothing, the snake who has taken off its suit!
It also demonstrates how much that WE are the opposite and the magnitude of our own personal power and value. They target the best of the best because they know we are, they pathologically envy us, and we are vulnerable to power imbalanced relationships due to the damage done to our core belief system and self-worth in our childhood.
The good news?
We are merely wounded and we will heal. We can love. We will create long lasting memories and mutually respectful relationships.
The evil emotional parasites cannot. They are parasites with charm.
I write in much more detail about this provocative subject and much more in Take Your Power Back: Healing Lessons, Tips and Tools for Abuse Survivors.