Evelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter Continue reading
Evelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter
I remember many years ago, early in my career, a colleague I babysat for and who was very happily married referred to his and his brother’s chronic infidelity as “the family curse.” I found out about his betrayal when he approached me for medical advice about symptoms of sexually transmitted diseases. I was flabbergasted especially when he told me his wife and family were “the best” and most important thing in the world to him. I have been fascinated ever since by those who readily cheat and betray others and those who do not. So I started to explore during my own healing journey those qualities in people that would motivate them to betray a.k.a cheat and those that would prevent them from cheating a.k.a. be loyal. This is what I discovered about why cheaters cheat.
Betrayal is Dependent on the Ability to Be Loyal
Betrayal and loyalty are dependent on the level of character and personal power that impact the ability to obligate and commit to another. Anyone can cheat and very easily. Betrayal takes no effort at all except to plot and scheme perhaps. Now, this applies to all forms of betrayal of relational trust including abuse, abandonment, cheating, fraud, lying, conning, manipulating, addictions, exploiting and benefitting at the expense of someone else. It even includes betraying and abandoning our own selves after the betrayers betray us such as in codependent relationships. To not cheat, to be loyal and faithful takes personal power, integrity of character, healthy self-worth. Why? What is the big deal? Why should we care? Well, you should care a lot because your life, relationships, happiness, self-worth, and those of your children depend on it.
Are you a loyal, committed, honest, obligated, trustworthy person? Well, I hope so because being one takes personal resilience, wisdom, and strength of character to not have to succumb to what is easy and may be gratifying in the short term, to know it will not sustain us in the long run, and to have the compassion and conscience it takes not to break the trust of someone we vowed not to or who trusts us. And it takes hard work to learn the difference and which one we and the ones who trust us are more worthy of. So being loyal requires not only the ability to commit in word or thought (e.g. invalidated promise) but the ability to act on and demonstrate the commitment promised (e.g. validate the promise). A promise is hollow and valueless until we deliver on that promise.
We, assuming we are emotionally healthy, believe we are agreeing to something we know we can deliver and are able to deliver and understand we are worthy of the same in return. This is why we have codes of ethics and oaths and vows where we commit in good times and bad, in sickness and health when our ability to act on that commitment of loyalty are challenged the most. We trust the other’s word based on what they say and faith that it aligns with their thoughts and actions and abilities. Hopefully, that is based on them earning that trust. Ah? Or so we thought.
Why Do Loyal People Trust the Untrustworthy
The strength of character that enables us to be loyal doesn’t come for free or have anything to do with how much money you have, or your looks, formal education, title, prestige, level of privilege. It is worked for and earned. The problem is that usually the most faithful people and the most loyal are also the ones with the higher level of compassion and lower levels of self-worth that make them vulnerable to emotional predators and pathological liars who are not able to source their power internally. So we think others have the same good intentions as we do and they have worked as hard as we have to develop the character strength to be loyal friends, lovers, spouses, family members and co-workers when in reality they have not! We expect enemies to betray, to intentionally want to inflict pain, not those we love and trust. What happens, then, when we are betrayed by someone who we not only trust but are driven by our love and loyalty to believe and protect and stand by when things get rough? This is typically how our reaction plays out.
After the shock, disbelief, confusion as to why someone would do to me what “I would not do to them in a million years,” we typically blame ourselves. Sadly, the self-blame can turn into toxic shame. While we did nothing wrong except perhaps to rely on someone who is unreliable, we blame ourselves for the perpetrator’s lie(s), inability to commit, lack of compassion, unfaithfulness, treason, crimes, addictions.
Repetitive betrayals can cause trauma bonding and exaggerated fear of abandonment. We can stay too long in exploitive relationships and sabotage our own healing to avoid “betraying” even toxic people who are harming us. We can mistake trauma bonding caused by peptide addiction for love. We can even sabotage healthy relationships to avoid abandonment or betrayal that we fear more than the breakup. And for empaths whose lives have been filled with multiple losses and betrayals, healing challenges including learning the dynamics of healthy relationships can appear insurmountable when in reality they are not. Read more on the challenges of loss for empaths.
Learn more why and how people with too much compassion can be targeted by those with too little in Am I a Narcissist? – Being Narcissistic Versus Being a Narcissist
Why Do People Cheat When They Promise Not to
Cheating is an easy way to feel powerful, feed the ego of people who have nothing reliable in their tool kit of character traits, values, wisdom and coping and life skills to prevent them from cheating. Weakness in character, lack of moral compass, low self-worth, lower consciousness, lower resilience, lower levels of compassion, higher levels of narcissism and entitlement, and lower level of ability to delay gratification are the character traits that motivate a person to need more power, more immediate gratification and to seek out easy ways to achieve them at the expense of trust, family, vows, oaths to defend nations, society, lives, human rights, children, minorities, or whatever suits them. So weakness of character motivates a person to betray and facilitates the betrayal because they have no internal “brakes” to prevent them from cheating or exploiting. In essence, betrayers are wired for betraying.
Dr. George K. Simon, a preeminent expert on manipulative aggressive personalities and author of the best sellers In Sheep’s Clothing, Character Disturbance, and The Judas Syndrome confirms that those with covert aggressive personalities like pathological narcissists lack the capacity to love because they lack empathy and the warning signs of such empathy deficits are in part in the attitudes they display toward obligation. Narcissists simply detest putting out effort that might, even in part, benefit someone else.
Dr. Simon’s research confirms that narcissists can work very hard and can spend inordinate amounts time and energy working purely to get something they want such as another love interest that would benefit them. As many of us very well know, they can put in extraordinary efforts to groom and love bomb a potential mate or spouse or as we have seen in recent news, commit fraud to enter college or government. But putting the same amount of energy into a personal relationship, taking care of a sick family member, demonstrating the loyalty and consistency they promise are completely different matters and very unattractive enterprises to them. They want all the benefits of marriage, for example, without having to work for them or earn them! Dr. Simon emphasizes that narcissists resist working to become better human beings more than any other kind of work. So even when it comes to respect and love and admiration or even college admittance and educating themselves, they want to come by them in the same manner as everything else – without having to earn them. And guess what folks? How do we build integrity of character? Competence? Problem solving? You got it! By earning it through hard work to set goals, make a plan to achieve them, critically thinking, being successful, and learning lessons through mistakes we make along the way. If we don’t, we do not develop those human qualities that allow us to love, grow, and to integrate normally into society. We essentially remain stunted in our growth, rely parasitically on others, exploit resources, and spend our energy manipulating power and resources from others without returning the value.
Learn more why and how people with too much compassion can be targeted by those with too little in Am I a Narcissist? – Being Narcissistic Versus Being a Narcissist
Can the Betrayers and Those They Betray Heal
Can those who have been betrayed learn to heal, release the shame, grieve the loss, and improve the health of their relationships to benefit themselves? Of course. Remember? They are the ones with resilience and authentic power, the ones with the inner strength to be loyal and faithful, true to their commitment of trust, and have no need to cheat.
Can the betrayers heal? Not my call. No one knows. However, this I do know. Once a serial betrayer, forever a serial betrayer. And there is no cure for pathological narcissism. The more severe the betrayal and the more serious the level of weakness in character of the perpetrator, the more likely any promises and bit of perceived improvement will be faked, temporary, and unsustainable. Remember, the parts of their brains that plot and scheme and lie work perfectly fine. It is the parts that would prevent them from cheating, have remorse, and learn from their mistakes that don’t.
Evelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter
“Narcissists bomb us with lies and irrational beliefs to skew our perceptions of our own (male or female) and others’ personal power and worth. They frequently surround themselves with a posse of low-character ‘flying monkeys’ who support them in the ‘lie bombing.’ They target the primary beliefs that trigger our fears and shame related to our self-esteem, personal power, and safety. In short, these are the primary beliefs that support our personal joy, health, power, and happiness.”
Disparities in character and emotional fitness can cause power imbalance in any abusive family, organization, government, political party, employer, relationship where the members use their authority to exploit the rights of the vulnerable to benefit themselves. These abusers, then, stealthily interfere with our rights to life, liberty, and happiness by intentionally exploiting resources and opportunities that allow us to act on those rights. Governments, for example, use political authority to get our support or votes; in employment, job status and authority to keep us sub-servant; and in families, love and acceptance to abuse us. All test and demonstrate the value added from integrity of character and the level of emotional fitness of all participating members, givers and takers alike. We all have the same human needs and no one, not ever, is entitled to have their needs met over ours. It is this fundamental belief at the core of our worthiness that people and especially, narcissists, abusers, psychopaths, and demagogues use to manipulate and over power us.
What is Power and What It’s Not
Would you let the hospital janitor perform your heart surgery? Would you let a nurse perform your heart surgery? I hope not. Well, the same principles apply to anyone in a position of authority whose decisions and competence level can have life or death impacts on others.
This is also why education, qualifications, emotional fitness, credibility, reliability, loyalty, criminal history, communications, experience, and character traits like compassion and conscientiousness and loyalty are so important to effectively completing any high risk/ high consequence job. Those of us who have dedicated our lives to maintain this high level of competency in support of our service to the public are very well aware of this. We are clear on personal power, competence and worth and have worked our back ends off to achieve a level of excellence our work and the public deserve. We do not abuse our positions of authority to benefit from others at their expense. We have no need to and our consciences and compassion prevent us from abusing our authority and betraying those we are committed to in trust.
Let’s be clear here.
- Authority is not power.
- Aggression is not power.
- Triggering pain and fear is not power.
- Exploitation is not power.
- Money is not power.
- Being born into privilege does not make us powerful.
- Entitlement is not power.
Then why do so many of us believe this?
Most of us have been conditioned to believe personal power is associated with external image exemplified in title, stature, privilege, personal strength, size, sex, beauty, brains, status quo, prestige, instant gratification, the level of attention we command and with those we fear either on a conscious or unconscious level. Nothing could be farther from reality. While all these things may look good on the outside and be appealing and even scary, anything that appears too good to be true usually is. Beware of glitter folks. This is all B.S. we have been brainwashed to believe in our youth and that is reinforced in all aspects of our adult lives that have a profound affect on our core beliefs impacting our survival.
“We can perceive those with authentic power (who have no need to demonstrate it or glitter it up) who can actually help us as threats because they challenge our pain-based ego-driven beliefs that while faulty we are comfortable with and settled for. We unknowingly become vulnerable to emotional vampires and do not live to our true potential.”
We then live and create in life what we believe to be true or valuable based on lies and false fears. As a result, we routinely give up our power or witness others giving up their power to good actors who use aggression, manipulation, money or privilege overtly or covertly to trigger our fears and powerlessness. We then believe falsely that anything that relieves our pain or triggers our envy is value-adding. And more significantly, we can perceive those with authentic power (who have no need to demonstrate it or glitter it up) who can actually help us as threats because they challenge our pain-based ego-driven beliefs that while faulty we are comfortable with and settled for. We unknowingly become vulnerable to emotional vampires and do not live to our true potential.
So, is acting powerful? Are lies powerful? Is manipulation powerful? Are nice things powerful? They may gratify you temporarily if you pay to be entertained by them or they feed your ego. They may even be impactful in the short run if they trigger fears you believe you are powerless and defenseless to and only the manipulator can alleviate. That, folks, is not power. It is abusive exploitation of power from the vulnerable, the wounded. Is a thief even, if a good one, worthy of what they steal? Does the theft entitle them to unearned benefits and provide them with some hidden magical power? I think not.
“Anyone truly powerful does not have to act, lie, manipulate, steal, or exploit. Why? It has no need to.”
What Is Authentic Personal Power
Anyone truly powerful does not have to act, lie, manipulate, steal, or exploit. Why? They have no need to. They have integrity of character, authenticity, and competence they can rely on to benefit not only themselves but also others.
We all have to work to be able to create value in spite of adversity to not only live but also to become who we uniquely are. No one based on their level of privilege, label, title, authority, sex, or role is exempt from this basic rule of humanity. There is no other way. The level of our integrity of character including our empathy and moral compass help us create authentic value and resilience that earns us the right to reap the benefits from the value we create not steal value others work for to benefit ourselves. It simply doesn’t work that way. It is irrational to think otherwise.
We, nevertheless, are social beings and cannot accomplish this in a vacuum. So normal functioning people work to use their experiences to develop the lessons, knowledge, skills, resilience, competence they use to create value in their lives, relationships, work, community, and in the world. This is real personal power that we project out to others to benefit them so they, too, build personal power and find meaning in their lives. This is how we all become humans of excellence and accomplish goals we are worthy of. We earn them! And we openly share that value at will with others we choose to share it with and they with us.
Compassionate and loyal people, use their personal power to protect the vulnerable, the sick, and anyone in need, not exploit them for their personal gain. They would use their authority and their earned skills, knowledge, abilities and unbiased judgment to ensure all benefitted equally and fairly with due regard for the law. They can readily source their own power internally to think critically and make risk-informed decisions and thought and course corrections and improvements that result in value-adding and sustainable results. They possess emotional maturity that allows them to identify when they need assistance to make reliable decisions and to get the help they need from reliable competent sources. This is the basis for a chaos free society where we all are free to act on our free will to pursue life, liberty, and happiness unhindered.
If you are not aware of this, then immediately please bring this into your level of consciousness and belief system. Because if you do not, you will remain vulnerable to pathological narcissists, con artists, psychopaths, bullies, and abusers who prey on those with the lack of knowledge of their real worth and power and personal authority.
How Narcissists Imbalance Power to Con You
We must not forget that all humans have basic needs for survival regardless of our level of privilege, status, and title. These include, food, love, shelter and safety, self-esteem, and self-actualization (achieving your potential, happiness, finding meaning). To meet these needs, sometimes we give and sometimes we take because our living conditions change. Bad things happen to good people, right? Nothing is ever static. So “mooching” clearly is part of the human condition and part of all relationships and our existence as individuals and as a society since we exist as a nation (and no longer live in tribes and a feudal system).
No one is immune, poor or rich, privileged or not from “mooching.” Some of us because of disabilities or hardships may have to legitimately mooch more than others because we are not able to create, generate or return the resources we need to support our basic needs. Others may mooch, however, simply because they believe they are entitled to.
Narcissists do not mooch legitimately. They are intentional moochers who want us to forget that those in a civil ordered ethically-based compassionate society take care of each other and that we have laws that protect our rights and the rights of the vulnerable to help us maintain order from chaos. We also have our own personal standards, ethics and morals we live by they want us to forget. They, instead, deliberately divide us and create chaos to imbalance power so they can more easily steal our power from us.
Narcissists covertly or overtly yet aggressively con others to ignore their basic instincts, core beliefs, and sense of reason and decency. They routinely engage in “crazy making” to distract you from the facts and invalidate your “authentic emotions” so you will forget that in a democratic republic, we all, regardless of our differences, have a right to achieve life, liberty, happiness and to our own opinions regardless of our beliefs, state of our emotional health or level of comfort in the state of affairs. Of course, no one likes rules or laws or regulations but we know they exist to provide limits that, in the short or long term, protect us from harm and prevent chaos and keep us all on the up and up.
Narcissists who permanently lack normal functioning abilities that motivate humans to work and earn these benefits literally con and steal these from anyone vulnerable to their manipulation tactics. This is why they despise laws, courts, accountability, scrutiny, regulations, oversight and literally anything or anyone that will prevent them from exploiting the vulnerable which is just part of their disordered character or that expose them for who they really are, the weakest humans with lowest of integrity of character. They are disordered individuals who have become human parasites who prey on the benefits others work for and have earned. They are forever unable to fend for themselves or sustain their own happiness.
Narcissists Have Infiltrated Government
Kathy Krajco, a formidable pioneer in educating the world on narcissism and narcissistic abuse, warns us in What Makes Narcissists Tick about the serious problem narcissism poses in the public sector and private nonprofit institutions that use the do-gooder and moral elitist facade to cloak their true self-righteous intentions to not do good but to be “seen as doing good” and “show how good they are by pointing at someone else and telling them how bad they are.” Politics, she points out, “is an ideal arena for narcissists…the list of them who have conned whole nations to become dictators is breathtaking.”
Weakness of character motivates a person to betray and facilitates the betrayal because they have no internal “brakes” to prevent them from cheating or exploiting. In essence, betrayers are wired for betraying. Dr. George K. Simon, a preeminent expert on manipulative aggressive personalities and author of the best sellers In Sheep’s Clothing, Character Disturbance, and The Judas Syndrome confirms that those with covert aggressive personalities like pathological narcissists lack empathy and the warning signs of such empathy deficits are in part in the attitudes they display toward obligation. Narcissists simply detest putting out effort that might, even in part, benefit someone else.
“We cannot ever take for granted what it takes to support order or forget the importance of the balance of power and integrity of character in ensuring not only our personal health and happiness but also peace and harmony in our families, communities, states, and society. And we must never forget that acquiring these takes plain hard work.”
There is immense accuracy to the old adage that “the devil comes cloaked as everything you ever wanted.” The truly evil members of the human race know what makes people of character work. They learn to read their emotional responses and manipulate their conscientiousness, compassion, and fears to direct their time, energy, and money to them. Now, criminals, parasites, and predators cannot announce to their targeted hosts and prey their true intent can they? What do they, like all predatory and parasitic animals, do? They use camouflage and manipulation to fool their prey. Narcissists in government are no different. They use two primary tactics to manipulate those they target.
- They play on and trigger their fears and
- They diminish the value of other humans.
Narcissistic politicians try to stealthily convince you that people including yourself in legitimate need are “moochers.” They want us to forget the vulnerable among us like the sick, those prejudiced against, abuse victims, minorities, and the elderly need our help and by law, earn and merit that help. These are conditions, remember, that all humans face that can prevent us from acting on our basic rights and meeting our basic needs. Narcissists, in fact, loathe anyone in need who cannot directly benefit them.
“Why,” you may think, “would anyone do these horrible things?” The answer is simple. They want to direct our time, energy, money, and power to them. To do this effectively, they must get us to feel shame for our needs and not care for other folks and to fear or hate them instead. You may now think, “how can someone get another person to not care for themselves and others and to fear and hate them?”
Well, sadly, lots easier than you may think if they get you to believe that the person you care about is an undeserving moocher, a threat to you, and convince you through lies, false threats, and character assassination that all of you are not worthy of compassion. More so, they get you to believe only they can save you from these fake threats and alleviate your fears and only they are worthy of your attention and adulation. How do they do this? Again the answer is pretty simple. They lie.
Narcissists, bullies, psychopaths and demagogues are pathological liars. (As a side note, I would love to see their pants actually catch fire). Why? The answer again is simple! They have to be and want to be. It is just part of their parasitic nature.
“Narcissists, bullies, psychopaths and demagogues are pathological liars. (As a side note, I do wish their pants would catch fire). Why? The answer again is simple! They have to be and want to be. It is just a part of their natural and parasitic nature.”
Narcissists naturally and intentionally bomb us with lies and irrational beliefs to skew our perceptions of our own (male or female) and others’ personal power and worth. They frequently surround themselves with a posse of low-character “flying monkeys” who support them in the “lie bombing.” They target the primary beliefs that trigger our fears and shame related to our self-esteem, personal power, and safety. In short, these are the primary beliefs that support our personal joy, health, power, and happiness. So they lie pathologically to create doubt, confusion, uncertainty, and chaos so they can manipulate us more effectively. They are emotional moochers. This tactic like the old bait and switch is as old as the hills, but nevertheless, is very effective.
Convincing you that you or others in need are weak, of less value, or are a danger, a threat, makes you seem less believable, weak, and unworthy and therefore less human. And ultimately by getting you to believe the lies, they can more easily get you to abandon your natural desire to care for, empathize and help yourself and others. They manipulate you to believe that you and the vulnerable are not worthy of your basic rights to life, liberty, and happiness because you are “moochers” who are stealing from those more worthy when they, in reality, are the “moochers.” Remember The Wizard of Oz, nothing but smoke and mirrors controlled by a wizard you were instructed not to pay attention to? Well, while anecdotal, it is based in reality.
“Narcissists bomb us with lies and irrational beliefs to skew our perceptions of our own (male or female) and others’ personal power and worth. The frequently surround themselves with a posse of low-character “flying monkeys” who support them in the “lie bombing.” They target the primary beliefs that trigger our fears and shame related to our our self-esteem, personal power, and safety. In short, these are the primary beliefs that support our personal joy, health, power, and happiness.”
There is a vital lesson for us to all learn here!
We cannot ever take for granted what it takes to support order or forget the importance of the balance of power and integrity of character needed in key decision makers in government to ensure not only our personal health and happiness but also peace and harmony in our families, communities, states, and society. And we must never forget that acquiring these takes plain hard work and authentic personal power that is earned not stolen.
What Can We Do as a Person, a People, a Nation
Well, there is lots we can do and lots we shouldn’t do. At the top of the “do not” list is to hunker down in shame or fear. At the top of the “do” list is to take actions and resist so we can take our power back and maximize the positive impact of the truly good and emotionally healthy people with integrity of character, intellect, and compassion and to stop promoting the evil component of society. So now more than ever it is critical to be intelligent in our choices and to not not let our fears and lack of information and state of our emotional health drive them. We must be vigilant and informed in all our choices and especially in whom we choose to love, associate with, trust, and choose as our lawmakers, senators, the head of state! We can work on improving our own emotional health. As we heal, our children will heal through us. The onus is on the United States government and on us as citizens to ensure we can confidently answer this question as it applies to all personnel running for key elected decision-making roles in government and especially those at the highest levels of government:
“Are these candidates competent and emotionally fit for duty and running an honest campaign from the heart, with authentic loyalty, integrity and duty to the greater good or are they knowingly and intentionally lying and making false promises to their constituents and exploiting their fears to win in order to abuse the authority of the position to benefit themselves?”
How do we achieve this? First, we must heal and educate ourselves on narcissism. As we heal, our children will heal through us. They will develop the empathy, self-worth, self-reliance, and emotional intelligence required to succeed in life, work, and relationships and maximize their power to themselves and to the world. I provide tons of healing information, tools and resources in this Blog, the Yourlifelifter website and Facebook page, and in my book Take Your Power Back: Healing Lessons, Tips and Tools for Abuse Survivors.
Second, we must learn what authentic power really is and how it applies to all humans regardless of their sex, privilege, or appearance, the tactics emotional manipulators use to con our power from us to benefit them, and what makes us vulnerable to them.
Third, we can stand up to and also stop voting diagnosed pathological narcissists into key political offices. We can be mindful and wise in our choices of those with the integrity of character and other qualities, skills, knowledge and abilities they have worked for and earned that support them being an effective world leader who are competent to make informed decisions based on what is best for others, the country, the world and not just themselves, profoundly weak people who cannot generate their own power and steal that of others.
Educating ourselves about narcissism will allow us easier to recognize them and assess the state of our own emotional health that makes us vulnerable to their manipulation. In this way, we can expose and defuse them. The U. S. government can also start screening the mental and emotional health, along with the financial and character integrity of anyone who is hired into a critical political position no different than what all high risk industries are, by law or ethics, required to do.
This is how we collectively heal and take our power back as people and as a nation and get us back on track to allow us equally and unhindered to act freely on our divine rights we collectively work for, deserve, and pay for to pursue life, liberty, and happiness