Understanding Why Narcissists Targeted You is Fundamental to Healing

Evelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter

1098228_1187695837924727_3159249499669189930_nAre you compassionate? Empathetic?

Well, if you are, you are one of 40% of the population who are a prime target for scapegoaters, bullies, narcissists, con-artists, and sociopaths who comprise a subset of the remaining 60% of the population. So being a “nice” person is your double-edged sword and most likely why you are reading this.

According to Dr. Jane McGregor, empaths are ordinary people who are highly perceptiveimgres-6 and insightful and belong to the 40% of human beings who sense when something’s not right, who respond to their gut instinct, and who take action and speak up. They frequently like the child in the The Emperor’s New Clothes, will tell the truth and expose lies and wrong doing and are targets of scapegoaters, bullies, narcissists, and sociopaths who are driven by exaggerated envy and fear of shame, lack of compassion, and the inability to self sooth.


In the 1990s, researchers suggested that there was a positive relationship between empathy and emotional intelligence. Since then, that term has been used interchangeably with emotional literacy. What this means in practice is that empaths have the ability to understand their own emotions, to listen to other people and empathize with their emotions, to express emotions productively and to handle their emotions in such a way as to improve their personal power.

Dr. McGregor describes that people are often attracted to empaths because of their compassionate nature. A particular attribute is that they are sensitive to the emotional distress of others. Conversely, they have trouble comprehending a closed mind and lack of compassion in others. This is a limitation that empathetic “nice” people have and that you need to bring into your level of awareness and glue into your memory banks.

imgres-2This inability to see the “bad” in others also significantly enhances their vulnerability to attacks from emotional vampires throughout their lives. As a result, empaths can be targeted easily by energy vampires such as scapegoaters, bullies, narcissists, and sociopaths who enlist other uncompassionate and apathetic people in their wrong-doing. So in actuality, abused children and adults in the world are some of the “nicest” people in the world. This is crazy making, folks, and is the heart of scapegoating and abuse in families and in my opinion, one of the main causes of evil in society today. The number one reason people seek counseling is because they were scapegoated as a child and suffer post traumatic distress. This is psychological trauma! Read on.

Empaths use their ability to boost their and others’ well being and safety. Dr. McGregor found it interesting how often people see empaths in problematical terms. Dr. McGregor in her research found that most people, the 60% majority, prefer the easy life. She explains that some of us admire people who make a bold stand, while others feel uneasy about them.

Listen to and learn more on this compelling and provocative topic discussed with Evelyn Ryan on Mental Health News Radio here.

images-3Problems escalate for empaths, however, when apaths are in the vicinity. Empaths can be brought down, distressed and forced into the position of the lone fighter by the inaction of more apathetic types round them. This is also how school and work group bullying and scapegoating works. The bullies enlist the apathetic, fearful, and defenseless ones who are the ones most likely to go with the flow, to agree that the emperor/empress is wearing new clothes. Apaths behave defenselessly because they want to avoid unpleasant or harmful circumstances [including the bully turning on them]. Apathy is an avoidance strategy that contributes to abuse…by proxy!

Listen and learn more on “The Toxic Tango of Empaths and Narcissists.

images-2Kim Saeed, a narcissistic abuse recovery expert, says that narcissists prey on empaths and highly sensitive people. Empaths operate predominately from love, humility, and giving. They have a natural capacity for healing and teaching others. However, until they learn how to responsibly use those gifts, they are often taken advantage of…not only by romantic partners, but people in general. Further, empaths have a track record of developing codependent behaviors in childhood to deal with the overwhelming unfairness in the world and to please others, which they usually carry into their adult relationships. It is easy to see, then, how empaths who were abused as children can develop exaggerated codependency issues and dependence on others to define their worth.

Kim further explains that when the empath and narcissist enter into a relationship together, it becomes hyper toxic. It creates a magnetic, yet vibrationally dysfunctional union. The empath’s sole purpose is to facilitate healing in others. Narcissists are insatiable and incurable. The empath gives to the point of complete and utter exhaustion. Because of these natural tendencies, the unaware empath often finds themselves not only being targeted by a narcissist but staying in a relationship with a toxic personality for too long and the damage to them is compounded.

So, all you empathetic and empathic people who suffered and are recovering from abuse as a child, childhood bullying, adult bullying and went on to marry a narcissist or more than one narcissist, bring this into your level of awareness during your healing. Educate yourself, your children and others on their inability to see the “bad” in others, the wolves in sheep’s clothing. This significantly increases your vulnerability to 60% of people, who not only comprise narcissists, bullies, and psychopaths but also the weak ones who join these abusers or harm you further by doing nothing (inaction) because they lack the heart or courage (that you have) to just do the right thing.

I hope you find this useful in your recovery and search for truth!

50 thoughts on “Understanding Why Narcissists Targeted You is Fundamental to Healing

  1. Erica Dowd says:

    This is spot on! I am an empath and I have now married not 1 BUT 2 people that were narcissistic. I gave and gave and gave and it was never good enough. They both destroyed me! I just now figured it out because my latest husband told me that he TARGETED ME!!!!! He literally married me for financial reasons and when I caught on, he took off his mask and flipped into a psychopath. This article is so accurate. It hurts my heart to know how evil people are in the world. That is the last time someone takes advantage of my kindness!


  2. Erin says:

    All my empathetic issues started from a very young age and at 51 I have discovered my voice and will no longer accept bad behavior from anyone I stand firm in my belief that I deserve better

    Liked by 1 person

    • Scott M. Hebe says:

      I really needed to absorb what you’ve had to say, I’m a 58 year old Empath and my life was destroyed. No matter how many times I’ve proven myself in Society, I’ve always been set up with an Authority figure who deliberately created the most hostile and unfair environment they could construct for me. There is no way out except to quit whatever job, relationship, project or whatever else you tried to attempt with multiple people. It’s a very sad thing, especially when most of the time, Empaths mostly push themselves to achieve the greatest results in a positive way. I know all about it now. However, it took a lifetime and many of my recent years in self-introspection and research to finally piece things together. I believe we are the truly strong ones and for that fact…I am grateful in spite of anything that’s thrown at me. Thank you for your kind and uplifting words of support for all of us!!!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Chasity says:

    Amazing information, only wish I’d understood this a lot sooner. Very valuable and informative! This spot on made it all make sense to me now! Thanks!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Karen Mulvaney says:

    I really found this eyeopening. Wow I was wondering if I was exaggerating. I still have guilt for thinking I had it bad growing up. I wasn’t beaten….. I’m making excuses. I’m nowhere near ready to comprehend this. I’m an empath with high intuition. I get sympathy pains/symptoms when I’m that close to someone. I only accepted this as me in the last few years. Now I’m struggling to accept my family are Narcs. I don’t doubt it, I’m trying to accept that they could never love me.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. kristi says:

    Very well written article.I definately look for red flags now that I know what to look for.I like what you said about not overlooking the bad in people.I have wasted 30 + years of my life with these monsters and the damage is massive physically, financially, emotionally and spiritually.They have no conscience and try to destroy you or make you destroy yourself once they have contaminated you enough.These swamp creatures are so polluted no loving human could ever fill their endless black hole in them.They would give you no credit for anything.You are nothing but an electrical appliance to use and discard when done.Run far away and no contact ever.I had never heard of npd, sociopath before last year.Now I see why my life got destroyed.I let them near me and there was more than one of them.No I understand and will never let that happen again.So important to educate people about this!! Great article.Thank you!


  6. G says:

    This is written 17 months after confronting 18 years of covert narcissism from my SIL, and at the time my husband being sick with encephalitis (a swelling of the brain). This is truly the one blog I found that can accurately describe what kind of hell a narcissist can put you through. I’m still healing, and tonight has been a tough night:

    My heart is broken.  It just hurts.  I just want things to be the way they were.  They were o.k. then.  I didn’t experience depression. anxiety. panic attacks. hatred. anger. sorrow. pain. heart pounding, distrust, paranoia….  at least not on a daily basis.  I could at least control myself then.  I cant bring those days back.  I listen and watch my husband struggle daily with anxiety and exhaustion, forgetting what entrance he came in, asking me things a five year old would ask, being mentally checked out, all before he falls exaustivally asleep every night because of the toll the encephalitis took on his 40 year old body.  I hate having to give myself up for my narcissistic soul crushing sister in law.  To see her bask in the glory of secretly knowing she won her fight against me, narcissism vs. HSP.  Watching her deny any wrongdoing, as the rest of the family turns to look at me, wondering why I’m so angry at her, why I would be so mean as to accuse her of 18 years of covert, unkind comments? Knowing she can take her knife, quietly taunt me and silently slice me through my childhood scars.  And turn around pretending nothing happened.  And going on vacation with her. Eating with her. Physically feeling her sadistic air of judgemental superiority swirling around her without any embarrasment or conscious, making me panic and run. Not understanding the ruthlessness she must have felt as she justified 18 years of covert comments as “just talking”, that I don’t have a right to be angry, that I’m too sensitive, that she can say what she wants, even while I watched the life eek out of my husband in his hospital bed. Feeling like I have to give up pieces of my soul, my voice, my right to boundries, in order to make my husband happy, him not understanding what exposure like this does to a sensitive person.  I hate pretending like it dosent hurt me.  I hate encephalitis.  I hate narcissism, especially the covert kind.  I hate crying alone on the couch at night.  I hate knowing there is evil out there like this, and that a person would actively use it. I miss feeling like I could at least somewhat protect myself. To feel worthy.  To feel like my soul is intact.  To feel happy.  To feel like it’s all going to be o.k.  To not have to pretend like nothing happened. To feel sane. To feel believed. To have my life back.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Louise says:

      This is a piece of writing I found which was very affirming to me:

      I have been victimised.
      I was in a fight that was not a fair fight.
      I did not ask for the fight.
      I lost.
      There is no shame in losing such fights.
      I have reached the stage of survivor, and am no longer a slave of the victim status.
      I look back with sadness, rather than hate.
      I look forward with hope, rather than despair.
      I may never forget, but I need not constantly remember.
      I was a victim.
      I am a survivor.

      You are stronger than you believe you are – I didn’t think this was true of me, but now that I’m recovering I realise how true it is. I hope that you are at this stage now (I notice that your comment was written a while ago.). Please get your SIL out of your life completely, if you haven’t already. You have enough on your plate without dealing with as toxic a personality as she sounds. You are obviously a very caring person, but remember to look after yourself as well as your husband – you deserve care too. Call some friends that you may have neglected, arrange a night out with someone you trust to be there for your husband for a few hours. Get your hair/nails/makeup done. Buy yourself a nice dress or top or pair of shoes. Buy some flowers for yourself – from your husband, I kind of think he’d like that.

      Give yourself permission to live. You ARE worthy. You didn’t deserve ANY of her crap. The reason she targeted you is because you have amazing qualities which drive her insane with jealousy.

      You must really be something.:)

      I hope things improve, and I wish you and your husband the best.

      Bless X

      Liked by 1 person

    • Josh says:

      Thank you so much again. I had already been looking somewhat on the web for info pertaining to divorcing the covert narcissist, but your links are even better. Its only been 5 days since my wife disappeared with our young children. I have yet to even receive a phone call. My wife emotionally abused me for years, and now by taking away my childrens’ primary caregiver and lovegiver at home, it has to be affecting them greatly. I am still seeking a therapist in my area that has specific experiance with empaths like me that are dealing with narcississtic abuse. Thank you so very much.


    • Gerry White says:

      I want to open up & get help ….but I just can’t right now. My mind is overwhelmed ,too much emotional pain.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Evelyn Ryan says:

    You need emotional support, a great attorney and contact the authorities and tell them about HER medical condition. Has she abducted with the children. I will also send you information on how to handle situations like this. They are challenging but manageable. Stay focused on the finish line, do not panic and focus on ensuring your children’s safety. Do not let HER see you sweat. Stay focused and take action to ensure your children’s safety and your well being as well. She will do anything she can to win right now…be aware and make wise choices with help from those who understand her tactics and the best strategies that will work in your and your children’s favor.


  8. tetelestai33ad says:

    I need support and help right now. My wife, who I only recently realized is suffering by a pd called covert narcissism has taken our children from me and is filing for divirce under the grounds of emotional abuse against ME?!!!! She suffered what I now realize to be narcissistic injury and dumped me and snatched our children while I was at work. Im confused

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s