Why Narcissists Lie and Why We Should Care More Than We Do

Evelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter

images-1Now don’t let the title of this article mislead you. Do not think for one second that somehow I am singling narcissists out as the bad guys and think that I and all others are saintly truth sayers. To the contrary, we all lie.

People lie to achieve a goal: “We lie if honesty won’t work,” says researcher Tim Levine. Well, lying is a very effective defense mechanism we humans use to, in a nutshell, get others to believe what we want and need them to believe to benefit ourselves. We all have different needs and compete for resources and must be creative on how we acquire what we need and want and, for some, what they believe they are entitled to.

imagesSome lies are pretty harmless but dishonesty in the wrong hands can quickly get out of hand. Anyone whose identity has been stolen or has been a target of fraud including scammers, a lying job applicant, an incompetent boss, a narcissist posing as a healer, or an faithful boyfriend or girlfriend well knows the extent of the harm, pathological liars can inflict.

5cfff8c5858232ba3e5cba761677b3af (1)Why Should We Care More than We Do

Lying is normal. So is wanting to trust someone. However, the ability to distinguish a lie from truth is not. These abilities need to be learned to be able to distinguish a fib from a lie, a lie from a bigger lie, a fake from a fraud, a potential loving mate from an emotional predator.

Studies show that about 45% of all lies are for self-promotion. And guess what? The numbers of self-promoters and those vulnerable to their lies are rising daily. Now more than ever our need to be able to separate truth from lies is being tested. While we have a natural desire to trust others, researchers are learning that social media is mucking with this ability as we are lie bombed and memed to death every day with fake information from frauds all for false self-promotion and to exploit others. We are becoming increasingly gullible and vulnerable and are increasingly believing lies even when we are presented with clear contradictory evidence.

images-4People who have low self-worth and who have not been taught to think critically are especially prone to believing lies or “alternative facts” without questioning their veracity. Refuting them with data does not diminish their believability because these people assess the evidence presented to them through a framework of preexisting tribal knowledge of beliefs and prejudices and fears they have been taught and rewarded not to question and perhaps punished for questioning. They live comfortably  believing what they think is true with little tolerance and adaptability to challenges to those beliefs. They choose instead to live their lives pain- and fear-based, reactive, and vulnerable to anything that triggers or alleviates their discomfort. So if presented with proven documented information that doesn’t fit comfortably within their inflexible limits of tolerance, they will continue to accept and defend their belief and even aggressively attack the facts presented or their messenger if the facts are threatening enough. In essence, their fear overrides the motivation to use the new information to improve their beliefs and thinking that can help them override the fear and reliably make their lives better.

These are prime times for pathological liars to thrive. Toxic moochers are on the rise because narcissism is now a world-wide pandemic.  They have infiltrated society for one primary reason. Their emotional food supply is abundant. And like any predatory animal, when the food supply is plentiful, the population of predators rise. And the world, I am sad to report, has accepted that it is perfectly fine for members of our species to prey on our own children and on our own kind to serve the depraved. Impersonal relationships facilitated by social media appear, at least in small part, to have fueled the fire.

Read more here on how traumatized children are now a public health crisis.

Being a parent, a politician, a psychologist, a President, a boss, a doctor, a surgeon or whatever does not exempt a person from being evil or having malintent. In fact, narcissists are rampant in religion, medicine and politics and the ones we see daily who rise and have risen to power and instill mass genocides, bombings, and drive airplanes into 1000 foot towers even in spite of the warning of “never again” and “never forget” after Hitler and Nazism and the rise of other tyrannical dictators.

Narcissism is now rampant in “good deed” communities like politics, the medical community, churches, and even fundraising organizations where many emotional manipulators can exist for years going unnoticed, while they abuse their authority and provide illusions of generosity and “goodness” and feed off the unlimited supply of power and energy of innocent members of the community while hiding true intentions of superiority, entitlement, domination, and self-righteousness.

Kathy Krajco, a formidable pioneer in educating the world on narcissism and narcissistic abuse, describes in What Makes Narcissists Tick how the “helping professions” that supply an abundance of vulnerable prey attract pathological narcissists. Kathy cautions us to “think not only of vulnerable children in the case of teachers but also vulnerable children or grieving and hurt adults in the case of priests and ministers. Think of the vulnerable patients supplied to psychiatrists.” She also warns us about the serious problem narcissism poses in the public sector and private nonprofit institutions that use the do-gooder and moral elitist facade to cloak their true self-righteous intentions to not do good but to be “seen as doing good” and “show how good they are by pointing at someone else and telling them how bad they are.” Politics, she points out, “is an ideal arena for narcissists…the list of them who have conned whole nations to become dictators is breathtaking.”

Narcissists are even posing as healers on social media. What better people to target than the vulnerable wounded ones they harmed who admittedly need help and whom they continue to abuse and exploit “by proxy” by posing as a healers? What a novel idea, right? Well, it is not so novel. It may be pretty new to Facebook but narcissists infiltrated the medical and psychological professions a long long time ago like pedophiles infiltrated the priesthood.

Read more here on narcissists posing as healers.

Think CriticallyTo Lie is Normal, To Pathologically Lie is Not

As pointed out in the National Geographic article “Why We Lie: The Science Behind Our Deceptive Ways,” honesty may be the best policy, but scheming and dishonesty are part of what makes us human.

We learn to lie in childhood and refine our deceptive ways of plotting and scheming (the brain is wired for) with practice and with age. “The truth comes naturally,” says psychologist Bruno Verschuere, “but lying takes effort and a sharp, flexible mind. Lying is a part of the developmental process, like walking and talking. Children learn to lie between ages two and five, and lie the most when they are testing their independence.” We lie throughout our live but lie the most in our teens. After age 45, we lie less.

Lying is learned but so is our ability not to lie just like our ability not to cheat. Our personalities and characters along with our empathy and sense of reason are also developing at the same time. So, if we are developing and adapting normally, we are learning in parallel how and when to limit our deception by experiencing the personal pain and observing the pain of others we care about when we go too far with our lies. This is when we learn to identify when our deception will harm us and others more than it will benefit us. This is how we learn to turn compassion we are born with to empathy and how to use that ability wisely to support our emotional and relational health to benefit ourselves and others. This is how we learn to put on the brakes to behaviors that will benefit us at others’ expense and vice versa.

Why Do Cheaters Cheat?

It is the lack of these brakes that is at the core of several of the most serious of personality disorders including pathological narcissism. Instead of learning to control their deception and become self-reliant and resilient, pathological narcissists become pathological liars.

images-5Why Do Narcissists Pathologically Lie

Narcissists pathologically lie for the same reasons serial cheaters cheat. Lying and cheating become as normal for them as telling the truth and being loyal are for those with compassion and character. In essence, narcissists are wired for pathological lying like they are for serial cheating. Their development is arrested. Rather than put in the work to earn the character traits and competence and individuation that support and sustain emotional health, self-worth, self-reliance, and a fulfilled life, they develop manipulation tactics and lie pathologically to compensate for their inadequacies. Their weakness of character and distorted thinking drive them to habitually lie and facilitate lying because they have no internal “brakes” to prevent them from doing so.

Dr. George K. Simon, a preeminent expert on manipulative aggressive personalities and author of the best sellers In Sheep’s ClothingCharacter Disturbance, and The Judas Syndrome confirms that those with covert aggressive personalities like pathological narcissists lack empathy and the warning signs of such empathy deficits are in part in the attitudes they display toward obligation. Narcissists simply detest putting out effort that might, even in part, benefit someone else or improve themselves.

Lying is an easy and effective way for narcissists to believe they are powerful, feed their egoic needs to compensate for their lack of character traits, values, wisdom and coping and life skills that would prevent them from lying. Their weakness in character, lack of moral compass, low self-worth, lower consciousness, lower resilience, lower levels of compassion, higher levels of narcissism and entitlement, and lower level of ability to delay gratification motivate them to need more power, adulation, more immediate gratification and to seek out easy ways to achieve them at the expense of trust, family, vows, oath, society, lives, human rights, children, minorities, or whatever else suits them.

Why Do Cheaters Cheat?

The Natural But Parasitic Nature of Narcissists

Narcissists Exposed – How Narcissists Create Illusions to Fool Us

10947330_10152839810449961_2098951278719241549_nHow Do Narcissists Use Lies to Deceive

Narcissists are slick, creative liars. They naturally and intentionally bomb us with lies and irrational beliefs to skew our perceptions of our own (male or female) and others’ personal power and worth. They frequently surround themselves with a posse of low-character “flying monkeys” who support them in the “lie bombing.”

They lie pathologically to imbalance power and create doubt, confusion, uncertainty, and chaos so they can manipulate us more effectively. They are emotional moochers. So they lie bomb (a.k.a engage in crazy making) to play on and trigger our fears and to get us to believe we are not worthy of better. While no one even other narcissists is immune to being targeted, their preferred targets are those most vulnerable to manipulation including empaths, those in emotional pain, and even entire groups whose thinking is fear- and pain-based.

These tactics like the old bait and switch are as old as the hills, but nevertheless, are very effective. Convincing you that you or others in need are weak, of less value, crazy, or are a danger, a threat, makes you seem less believable, weak, unlovable, undesirable, and unworthy and even less human. And ultimately by getting you to believe the lies and question your beliefs, they can more easily get you to abandon your natural desire to care for, empathize and help yourself and others. They manipulate you to believe that you and the vulnerable are not lovable and not worthy of your basic rights to life, liberty, and happiness because you are “moochers” who are stealing from those more worthy (e.g. them) when they, in reality, are the “moochers.” Remember The Wizard of Oz, nothing but smoke and mirrors controlled by a wizard you were instructed not to pay attention to? Well, while anecdotal and filmed in the 1930s, it is based in reality about pathologically lying narcissists and the importance of being able to separate lies from truth.

How can We Learn to Protect Ourselves

In a world of increased narcissism and decreased empathy, how can we discern12-Traits-of-Truly-Authentic-People-2-768x768 genuine, authentic people from manipulators and truth from their perfected lies they present in our newsfeeds? How can we distinguish one from the other, the truly good people from the “glittered turds, facts from manipulative emotive lies that trigger our fear- and ego-based emotions?”

We can easily learn to be mindful in our interactions to distinguish those in legitimate need from the “toxic moochers” who merely want to exploit us and benefit at our expense.

Here are some tips to help you learn how:

Traits of Authentic People

The following is a list of 12 characteristics of authentic people derived from the research and personal experiences of psychotherapist, Kristi Tackett-Newburg. With practice you can hone your “compassion radar” to readily identify persons authentically in need become less vulnerable to the attacks and less attractive as a target to toxic moochers. If in doubt, go with your gut and the old adage, “if it’s too be true is probably is.”

Authentic: Not false or copied; genuine; real; representing one’s true nature or beliefs; true to oneself or to the person identified.

  1. Their Words and Actions Align.
  2. They Are Transparent, Honest, and Assertive.  
  3. They Demonstrate Reciprocity in Relationships.
  4. They Are Open-Minded.
  5. They Make You Feel at Ease.
  6. They Are Not Superficial.
  7. They Are Not Swayed by Material Objects.
  8. They Take Personal Responsibility.
  9. They Cultivate Meaningful Relationships.
  10. They Are Not Driven by Ego.
  11. They Have Strong Character.
  12. They Live in the Moment and Create Their Own Paths.

You can read more details on these traits in “Don’t Be Fooled by Smoke and Mirrors: 12 Traits of Truly Authentic People.”

Read more on how to develop integrity of character and authenticity.

Others as preyHow to Identify and Deal with Toxic People

We must be mindful, vigilant and informed in all our choices and especially in whom we choose to love, associate with, trust, and choose as our lawmakers, senators, the head of state! We can work on improving our own emotional health.

Read more here on how to identify and eliminate toxic people in your life.

How do we achieve this? First, we must heal  and educate ourselves on narcissismAs we heal, our children will heal through us. They will develop the empathy, self-worth, self-reliance, and emotional intelligence required to succeed in life, work, and relationships and maximize their power to themselves and to the world. I provide tons of healing information, tools and resources in this Blog, the Yourlifelifter website and Facebook page, and in my book Take Your Power Back: Healing Lessons, Tips and Tools for Abuse Survivors.

Learning to recognize these toxic individuals and distinguishing them from authentic people, managing boundaries, and learning to say no can be instrumental in helping us all take our power back, learn to use our compassion responsibly,  prevent our exploitation from emotional moochers, making better choices based on facts rather than emotional triggers, and living the joy-filled lives we were put on this earth to live.

In “Useful Tips to Identify Toxic People in Your Life,”  I provide 15 simple and very effective tips to help you identify manipulation tactics of toxic people and distinguish authentically virtuous and competent people from the emotional vampires who exploit power, value, credit, attention, or whatever they need from you.

Read more here on how we can heal the world by healing ourselves.

Second, we must learn what authentic power really is and how it applies to all humans regardless of their sex, privilege, or appearance, the tactics emotional manipulators use to con our power from us to benefit them, and what makes us vulnerable to them.

Read more here on what personal power is and what it is not.

Third, we can stand up to and also stop voting diagnosed pathological narcissists into key political offices. We can be mindful and wise in our choices of those with the integrity of character and other qualities, skills, knowledge and abilities they have worked for and earned that support them being an effective world leader who are competent to make informed decisions based on what is best for others, the country, the world and not just themselves, profoundly weak people who cannot generate their own power and steal that of others.

Why Do Cheaters Cheat?

Educating ourselves about narcissism will allow us easier to recognize them and assess the state of our own emotional health that makes us vulnerable to their manipulation. In this way, we can expose and defuse them. The U. S. government can also start screening the mental and emotional health, along with the financial and character integrity of anyone who is hired into a critical political position no different than what all high risk industries are, by law or ethics, required to do.

This is how we collectively heal and take our power back as people and as a nation and get us back on track to allow us equally and unhindered to act freely on our divine rights we collectively work for, deserve, and pay for to pursue life, liberty, and happiness

 

 

 

Why Do Cheaters Cheat?

u mEvelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter

downloadI remember many years ago, early in my career, a married colleague I babysat for who was very happily married referred to his and his brother’s chronic infidelity as “the family curse.” I found out about his betrayal when he approached me for medical advice about symptoms of sexually transmitted diseases. I was flabbergasted especially when he told me his wife and family were “the best” and most important thing in the world to him. I have been fascinated ever since by those who readily cheat and betray others and those who do not. So I started to explore during my own healing journey those qualities in people that would motivate them to betray a.k.a cheat and those that would prevent them from cheating a.k.a. be loyal. This is what I discovered about why cheaters cheat.images-1

Betrayal is Dependent on the Ability to Be Loyal

Betrayal and loyalty are dependent on the level of character and personal power that impact the ability of those in the relationship to obligate and commit to another. Anyone can cheat and very easily. Betrayal takes no effort at all except to plot and scheme perhaps. Now, this applies to all forms of betrayal of relational trust including abuse, abandonment, cheating, lying, conning, manipulating, addictions, exploiting and benefitting at the expense of someone else. It even includes betraying and abandoning our own selves after the betrayers betray us such as in codependent relationships.

To not cheat, to be loyal and faithful takes personal power, integrity of character, healthy self-worth. Why? What is the big deal? Because it takes personal resilience, wisdom, and strength of character to not have to succumb to what is easy and may be gratifying in the short term, to know it will not sustain us in the long run, and to have the compassion it takes not to break the trust of someone we vowed not to. And it takes hard work to learn the difference and which one we and the ones who trust us are more worthy of.

So being loyal requires not only the ability to commit in word or thought (e.g. invalidated promise) but the ability to act on and demonstrate the commitment promised (e.g. validate the promise). We, assuming we are emotionally healthy, believe we are agreeing to something we know we can deliver and are able to deliver and understand we are worthy of the same in return. This is why we commit in good times and bad, in sickness and health when our ability to act on that commitment of loyalty are challenged the most. We trust the other’s word based on what they say and faith that it aligns with their thoughts and actions and abilities. Hopefully, that is based on them earning that trust. Ah? Or so we thought.

Why Do Loyal People Trust the Untrustworthy

imagesThe strength of character that enables us to be loyal doesn’t come for free or have anything to do with how much money you have, or your looks, formal education, title, prestige, level of privilege. It is worked for and earned. The problem is that usually the most faithful people and the most loyal are also the ones with the higher level of compassion and lower levels of self-worth that make them vulnerable to emotional predators who are not able to source their power internally. So we think others have the same good intentions as we do and they have worked as hard as we do to develop the character strength to be loyal friends, lovers, spouses, family members and co-workers when in reality they have not! We expect enemies to betray, to intentionally want to inflict pain, not those we love and trust.

What happens, then, when we are betrayed by someone who we not only trust but are driven by our love and loyalty to believe and protect and stand by when things get rough? After the shock, disbelief, confusion as to why someone would do to me what “I would not do to them in a million years,” we typically blame ourselves. Sadly, the self-blame can turn into toxic shame. While we did nothing wrong except perhaps to rely on someone who is unreliable, we blame ourselves for the perpetrator’s lie(s), inability to commit, lack of compassion, unfaithfulness, treason, crimes, addictions.

Repetitive betrayals can cause trauma bonding and exaggerated fear of abandonment. We can stay too long in exploitive relationships and sabotage our own healing to avoid “betraying” even toxic people who are harming us. We can mistake trauma bonding caused by peptide addiction for love. We can even sabotage healthy relationships to avoid abandonment or betrayal that we fear more than the breakup. And for empaths whose lives have been filled with multiple losses and betrayals, healing challenges including learning the dynamics of healthy relationships can appear insurmountable when in reality they are not. Read more on the challenges of loss for empaths.

Learn more why and how people with too much compassion can be targeted by those with too little in Am I a Narcissist? – Being Narcissistic Versus Being a Narcissist

Why Do People Cheat When They Promise Not to

Cheating is an easy way to feel powerful, feed the ego for people who have nothing reliable in their tool kit of character traits, values, wisdom and coping and life skills to prevent them from cheating. Weakness in character, lack of moral compass, low self-worth, lower consciousness, lower resilience, lower levels of compassion, higher levels of narcissism and entitlement, and lower level of ability to delay gratification are the character traits that motivate a person to need more power, more immediate gratification and to seek out easy ways to achieve them at the expense of trust, family, vows, oath, society, lives, human rights, children, minorities, or whatever suits them. So weakness of character motivates a person to betray and facilitates the betrayal because they have no internal “brakes” to prevent them from cheating or exploiting. In essence, betrayers are wired for betraying.

Dr. George K. Simon, a preeminent expert on manipulative aggressive personalities and author of the best sellers In Sheep’s ClothingCharacter Disturbance, and The Judas Syndrome confirms that those with covert aggressive personalities like pathological narcissists lack the capacity to love because they lack empathy and the warning signs of such empathy deficits are in part in the attitudes they display toward obligation. Narcissists simply detest putting out effort that might, even in part, benefit someone else.

Dr. Simon’s research confirms that narcissists can work very hard and can spend inordinate amounts time and energy working purely to get something they want such as another love interest. As many of us very well know, they can put in extraordinary efforts to groom and love bomb a potential mate or spouse. But putting the same amount of energy into a personal relationship, taking care of a sick family member, demonstrating the loyalty and consistency they promise are completely different matters and very unattractive enterprises to them. They want all the benefits of marriage, for example, without having to work for them or earn them! Dr. Simon emphasizes that narcissists resist working to become better human beings more than any other kind of work. So even when it comes to respect and love and admiration, they want to come by them in the same manner as everything else  – without having to earn them. And guess what folks? How do we build integrity of character?  You got it! By earning it through hard work to set goals, make a plan to achieve them, being successful, and learning lessons through mistakes we make along the way.

Learn more why and how people with too much compassion can be targeted by those with too little in Am I a Narcissist? – Being Narcissistic Versus Being a Narcissist

Can the Betrayers and Those They Betray Heal

Can those who have been betrayed learn to heal, release the shame, grieve the loss, and improve the health of their relationships to benefit themselves? Of course. Remember? They are the ones with resilience and authentic power, the ones with the inner strength to be loyal and faithful, true to their commitment of trust, and have no need to cheat.

Can the betrayers heal? Not my call. No one knows. However, this I do know. Once a serial betrayer, forever a serial betrayer. And there is no cure for pathological narcissism. The more severe the betrayal and the more serious the level of weakness in character of the perpetrator, the more likely any promises and bit of perceived improvement will be faked, temporary, and unsustainable. Remember, the parts of their brains that plot and scheme and lie work perfectly fine. It is the parts that would prevent them from cheating that don’t.

Am I a Narcissist? – Being Narcissistic Versus Being a Narcissist

Evelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter

imgres-3No doubt that narcissism is a hot topic with we all being such a self-centered lot on top of the pandemic of pathological narcissists wreaking havoc in government and even those posing as healers on social media to support their parasitic need for adulation even from the victims they victimized.  So we not only have lots of them we deal with daily but experience the damage they cause as well.

Terrorism, Politics, and the Pandemic of World-Wide Narcissism

This inundation of life across the globe by both has led to much confusion that I see in the 1000’s of blogs and threads I read weekly! One of the most frequent and popular questions I see and receive is from victims of narcissistic abuse asking if they are the narcissist! I have tons of articles in the Blog and 1000’s of posts at Yourlifelifter that break this subject down. I will summarize them here for those needing clarity and for newbies searching for answers on the differences between being narcissistic and being a Pathological Narcissist.

Am I The Narcissist?

Being Narcissistic is a Human Trait

Narcissism like compassion is a normal human characteristic that falls on a spectrum however, like most things, too much or too little of either can cause issues. We see the consequences of both more so in our vested relationships with ourselves and others and in our own degree and comfort with self-worth and self-care. Since our relationships are core to our self-worth and our happiness, the degree of our narcissism and compassion can seriously impact both. Too much or too little compassion can imbalance power in relationships, hinder management of personal boundaries, and put healthy mutually respectful interactions at risk.

What Impacts Does Too Much Compassion Have

Caring too much can motivate us to rescue others we believe need help even those who don’t need or want rescuing. It can cause us to give too much, become a people pleaser and to neglect our needs over the needs of others where we put greater value than our own worth. We become vulnerable to anyone or anything that triggers that overabundance of compassion and need for validation of our worth. We are vulnerable to codependency we learn from being exploited as children. Having too much compassion (that we commonly see in empaths) can make us vulnerable to those who will intentionally exploit our compassion with no intention of returning the benefit. Giving too much and not being validated for that effort can lead to emotional fatigue and depression and even trauma.

Codependency Does Not Cause Abuse

People, with too much compassion, however, as Dr. Kristin Neff demonstrates in her studies, can learn self-care and how to use their compassion responsibly and to treat themselves mindfully with more kindness especially when they are in pain. They can heal the wounds that caused these faulty beliefs and unhealthy behaviors. They can learn internal boundaries that allow them to monitor and show compassion in ways that will promote their emotional health and self-worth.

Too little compassion, on the other hand, that we see in highly narcissistic people, and worse, in many personality disorders, makes us dependent on others as well but for totally different and more nefarious reasons. Healing for some is not possible.

What Impacts Does Too Little Compassion Have

Like in those with too much compassion, we see the biggest impacts from low levels of compassion on the health of relationships. The narcissistically disordered with very low to non-existent compassion have no internal brakes that would motivate them to respect other’s needs or wishes or boundaries and that would prevent them from mooching and using others to service their needs at their expense. They also have little to no motivation to return the favor. Other people become essentially their “prey.” They become masters at identifying emotions in others and how to trigger them to direct other’s power for their personal benefit but are not able with compassion to recognize those same emotions in themselves. They, in fact, as the McGregor studies show, target empaths with too much compassion who they have learned are the most vulnerable to their manipulation tactics. Interestingly enough, narcissists themselves are very easily manipulated and can target other narcissists.

Do Narcissists Target Other Narcissists?

They also use others with lower levels of compassion (but not pathologically low) who Dr. Jane McGregor refers as “apaths” to help them in their attacks. We in the narcissistic abuse recovery community refer to them as “flying monkeys.” These apaths have enough compassion to prevent them from an all out premeditated stealthy attack on another, but not enough to put another’s safety or needs ahead of their own especially when doing so would disturb them or upset them, cost them, or make them appear less acceptable to the audience, group, family, job, etc. Apaths have brakes, just faulty selective ones.

Understanding Why Narcissists Targeted You is Fundamental to Healing

Narcissistic Harm by Proxy

What Causes Us to Have Too Little or Too Much Compassion

As discussed earlier, empaths with too much compassion learn to give it away freely in exploitive childhoods where their emotional needs were not met in healthy ways. While the brains of those with too much compassion and moderate levels can rewire and they can learn to fix their skewed beliefs and use their compassion more responsibly to improve their emotional and relational health, those with pathologically low levels cannot.

Empathy: Is It a Gift or a Curse?

Experts believe the roots of pathological narcissism, the clinically disordered are genetic and triggered by events in early childhood that permanently arrest development and cannot be reversed. In short, pathological narcissists, essentially remain dependent on other people to survive and cannot ever fend for themselves. They know what they do and simply do not care, because they are not able to. There is no cure. Some refer to it as “living hell.” Read more in the articles below:

What is Pathological Narcissism?

What Causes Malignant Narcissism?

Can Malignant Narcissism Be Cured?

Narcissists Exposed – How Narcissists Create Illusions to Fool Us

Evelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter

“Narcissists bomb us with lies and irrational beliefs to skew our perceptions of our own (male or female) and others’ personal power and worth. They frequently surround themselves with a posse of low-character ‘flying monkeys’ who support them in the ‘lie bombing.’ They target the primary beliefs that trigger our fears and shame related to our self-esteem, personal power, and safety.  In short, these are the primary beliefs that support our personal joy, health, power, and happiness.”

imgresDisparities in character and emotional fitness can cause power imbalance in any abusive family, organization, government, political party, employer, relationship where the members use their authority to exploit the rights of the vulnerable to benefit themselves. These abusers, then, stealthily interfere with our rights to life, liberty, and happiness by intentionally exploiting resources and opportunities that allow us to act on those rights. Governments, for example, use political authority to get our support or votes;  in employment, job status and authority to keep us sub-servant; and in families, love and acceptance to abuse us. All test and demonstrate the value added from integrity of character and the level of emotional fitness of all participating members, givers and takers alike. We all have the same needs and no one, not ever, is entitled to have their needs met over ours. It is this fundamental belief at the core of our worthiness that people and especially, narcissists, abusers, psychopaths, and demagogues use to manipulate and over power us.

What is Power and What It’s Not personalpower

Would you let the hospital janitor perform your heart surgery? Would you let a nurse perform your heart surgery? I hope not. Well, the same principles apply to anyone in a position of authority whose decisions and competence level can have life or death impacts on others.

This is also why education, qualifications, emotional fitness, credibility, reliability, loyalty, criminal history, communications, experience, and character traits like compassion and conscientiousness and loyalty are so important to effectively completing any high risk/ high consequence job. Those of us who have dedicated our lives to maintain this high level of competency in support of our service to the public are very well aware of this. We are clear on personal power, competence and worth and have worked our back ends off to achieve a level of excellence our work and the public deserve. We do not abuse our positions of authority to benefit from others at their expense. We have no need to and our consciences and compassion prevent us from abusing our authority and betraying those we are committed to in trust.

Let’s be clear here.

  • Authority is not power.
  • Aggression is not power.
  • Triggering pain and fear is not power.
  • Exploitation is not power.
  • Money is not power.
  • Being born into privilege does not make us powerful.
  • Entitlement is not power.

Then why do so many of us believe this?

Most of us have been conditioned to believe personal power is associated with title, stature, privilege, personal strength, size, sex, beauty, brains, status quo, prestige, instant gratification, the level of attention we get, and with those we fear either on a conscious or unconscious level. Nothing could be farther from reality. While all these things may look good on the outside and be appealing and even scary, anything that appears too good to be true usually is. Beware of glitter folks. This is all B.S. we have been brainwashed to believe in our youth and that is reinforced in all aspects of our adult lives that have a profound affect on our beliefs on our personal worth, value, lovability, pain-based emotions and our powerlessness and defenselessness. 

“We can perceive those with authentic power (who have no need to demonstrate it or glitter it up) who can actually help us as threats because they challenge our pain-based ego-driven beliefs that while faulty we are comfortable with and settled for. We unknowingly become vulnerable to emotional vampires and do not live to our true potential.”

We then live and create in life what we believe to be true or valuable based on lies and false fears. As a result, we routinely give up our power or witness others giving up their power to good actors who use aggression, manipulation, money or privilege overtly or covertly to trigger our fears and powerlessness. We then believe falsely that anything that relieves our pain or triggers our envy is value-adding. And more significantly, we can perceive those with authentic power (who have no need to demonstrate it or glitter it up) who can actually help us as threats because they challenge our pain-based ego-driven beliefs that while faulty we are comfortable with and settled for. We unknowingly become vulnerable to emotional vampires and do not live to our true potential.

Why Narcissists Lie and Why We Should Care More Than We Do

Read more here on how emotional manipulators use your fears to con you to steal your power.

the-more-powerful-you-areSo, is acting powerful? Are lies powerful? Is manipulation powerful? They may gratify you temporarily if you pay to be entertained by them or they feed your ego. They may be impactful in the short run if they trigger fears you believe you are powerless and defenseless to and only the manipulator can alleviate. That, folks, is not power. It is abusive exploitation of power from the vulnerable, the wounded. Is a thief even if they are a good one worthy of what they steal? Does the theft entitle them to unearned benefits and provide them with some hidden magic power? I think not.

Read more here on what makes narcissists self-righteous and manipulative

“Anything truly powerful does not have to act, lie, manipulate, steal, or exploit. Why? It has no need to.”

What Is Authentic Personal Power

Anyone truly powerful does not have to act, lie, manipulate, steal, or exploit. Why? They have no need to. They have integrity of character, authenticity, and competence they can rely on to benefit not only themselves but also others.

We all have to work to become humans of excellence, humans of integrity. No one based on their level of privilege, label, title, authority, sex, or role is exempt from this basic rule of humanity. There is no other way. The level of our integrity of character including our empathy and moral compass help us create authentic value and resilience that allow us to reap the benefits from the value we create and willfully share with others, not steal value from others work for to benefit ourselves. It simply doesn’t work that way. It is irrational to think otherwise.

Read more here on the Five Pillars of Personal Worth, Power and Authenticity

We, nevertheless, are social beings and cannot accomplish this in a vacuum. So normal functioning people work to use their experiences to develop the lessons, knowledge, skills, competence they use to create value in their lives, relationships, work, community, and in the world. This is real personal power that we project out to others to benefit them so they, too, build personal power. This is how we all become humans of excellence and accomplish goals we are worthy of. We earn them! And we openly share that value at will with others we choose to share it with and they with us.

Read more here on the Five Pillars of Personal Worth, Power and Authenticity

Compassionate and loyal people, use their personal power to protect the vulnerable, the sick, and anyone in need, not exploit them for their personal gain. They would use their authority and their well earned skills, knowledge, abilities and unbiased judgment to ensure all benefitted equally and fairly with due regard for the law. They can readily source their own power internally to think critically and make risk-informed decisions and thought and course corrections and improvements that result in value-adding and sustainable results. They possess emotional maturity that allows them to identify when they need assistance to make reliable decisions and to get the help they need from reliable competent sources.

If you are not aware of this, then immediately please bring this into your level of consciousness and belief system. Because if you do not, you will remain vulnerable to pathological narcissists, con artists, psychopaths, bullies, and abusers who prey on those with the lack of knowledge of their real worth and power and personal authority.

Read more here on how narcissists target and exploit empaths.

Read more here on the tactics of toxic people and what to watch out for.

Maslows-Hierarchy-of-NeedsHow Narcissists Imbalance Power to Con You

We must not forget that we all have basic needs for survival regardless of our level of privilege, status, and title. These include, food, love, shelter, safety, self-actualization (achieving your potential, happiness, finding meaning). To meet these needs, sometimes we give and sometimes we take because our living conditions change. Bad things happen to good people, right? Nothing is ever static. So “mooching” clearly is part of the human condition and part of all relationships and our existence as individuals and as a society since we exist as a nation (and no longer live in tribes and a feudal system).

No one is immune, poor or rich, privileged or not from “mooching.” Some of us because of disabilities or hardships may have to legitimately mooch more than others because we are not able to create, generate or return the resources we need to support our basic needs. Narcissists, however, do not mooch legitimately. They are intentional emotional moochers who want us to forget that those in a civil ordered ethically-based compassionate society take care of each other and that we have laws that protect our rights and the rights of the vulnerable to help us maintain order from chaos. We also have our own personal standards, ethics and morals we live by they want us to forget. They, instead, deliberately divide us and create chaos to imbalance power so they can more easily steal our power from us.

Read more here on how narcissists target and exploit empaths.

Narcissists covertly or overtly yet aggressively con others to ignore their basic instincts, core beliefs, and sense of reason and decency. They routinely engage in “crazy making” to distract you from the facts and invalidate your “authentic emotions” so you will forget that in a democratic republic, we all, regardless of our differences, have a right to achieve life, liberty, happiness and to our own opinions regardless of our beliefs, state of our emotional health or level of comfort in the state of affairs. Of course, no one likes rules or laws or regulations but we know they exist to provide limits that, in the short or long term, protect us from harm and prevent chaos and keep us all on the up and up. This is a good point to stop and explore what personal power really is and what it’s not.

Why Narcissists Lie and Why We Should Care More Than We Do

Why Do Cheaters Cheat?

Narcissists who permanently lack normal functioning abilities that motivate humans to work and earn these benefits literally con and steal these from anyone vulnerable to their manipulation tactics. This is why they despise laws, courts, accountability, scrutiny, regulations, oversight and literally anything or anyone that will prevent them from exploiting the vulnerable which is just part of their disordered character or that expose them for who they really are, the weakest humans with lowest of integrity of character. They are disordered individuals who have become human parasites who prey on the benefits others work for and have earned. They are forever unable to fend for themselves or sustain their own happiness.

Narcissists Have Infiltrated Government

Kathy Krajco, a formidable pioneer in educating the world on narcissism and narcissistic abuse, warns us in What Makes Narcissists Tick about the serious problem narcissism poses in the public sector and private nonprofit institutions that use the do-gooder and moral elitist facade to cloak their true self-righteous intentions to not do good but to be “seen as doing good” and “show how good they are by pointing at someone else and telling them how bad they are.” Politics, she points out, “is an ideal arena for narcissists…the list of them who have conned whole nations to become dictators is breathtaking.”

Why are So Many Politicians Pathological Narcissists and What Can We Do About it?

Disparities in character and emotional fitness can cause power imbalance in any abusive family, organization, government, political party, employer, relationship where the members use their authority to exploit the rights of the vulnerable to benefit themselves. These abusers, then, stealthily interfere with our rights to life, liberty, and happiness by intentionally exploiting resources and opportunities that allow us to act on those rights.

Why Narcissists Lie and Why We Should Care More Than We Do

Why Do Cheaters Cheat?

Weakness of character motivates a person to betray and facilitates the betrayal because they have no internal “brakes” to prevent them from cheating or exploiting. In essence, betrayers are wired for betraying. Dr. George K. Simon, a preeminent expert on manipulative aggressive personalities and author of the best sellers In Sheep’s ClothingCharacter Disturbance, and The Judas Syndrome confirms that those with covert aggressive personalities like pathological narcissists lack empathy and the warning signs of such empathy deficits are in part in the attitudes they display toward obligation. Narcissists simply detest putting out effort that might, even in part, benefit someone else.

Read more here on the Five Pillars of Personal Worth, Power and Authenticity

“We cannot ever take for granted what it takes to support order or forget the importance of the balance of power and integrity of character in ensuring not only our personal health and happiness but also peace and harmony in our families, communities, states, and society. And we must never forget that acquiring these takes plain hard work.”

Read more here on what makes a narcissists self-righteous and manipulative.

There is immense accuracy to the old adage that “the devil comes cloaked as everything you ever wanted.” The truly evil members of the human race know what makes people of character work. They learn to read their emotional responses and manipulate their conscientiousness, compassion, and fears to direct their time, energy, and money to them. Now, criminals, parasites, and predators cannot announce to their targeted hosts and prey their true intent can they? What do they, like all predatory and parasitic animals, do? They use camouflage and manipulation to fool their prey. Narcissists in government are no different. They use two primary tactics to manipulate those they target. 

  1. They play on and trigger their fears and
  2. They diminish the value of other humans.

Why Narcissists Lie and Why We Should Care More Than We Do

Why Do Cheaters Cheat?

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Narcissistic politicians try to stealthily convince you that people including yourself in legitimate need are “moochers.” They want us to forget the vulnerable among us like the sick, those prejudiced against, abuse victims, minorities, and the elderly need our help and by law, earn and merit that help. These are conditions, remember, that all humans face that can prevent us from acting on our basic rights and meeting our basic needs. Narcissists, in fact, loathe anyone in need who cannot directly benefit them.

“Why,” you may think, “would anyone do these horrible things?” The answer is simple. They want to direct our time, energy, money, and power to them. To do this effectively, they must get us to feel shame for our needs and not care for other folks and to fear or hate them instead. You may now think, “how can someone get another person to not care for themselves and others and to fear and hate them?”

Read more here on how to identify people in legitimate need versus real moochers.

Well, sadly, lots easier than you may think if they get you to believe that the person you care about is an undeserving moocher, a threat to you, and convince you through lies, false threats, and character assassination that all of you are not worthy of compassion. More so, they get you to believe only they can save you from these fake threats and alleviate your fears and only they are worthy of your attention and adulation. How do they do this? Again the answer is pretty simple. They lie.

Narcissists, bullies, psychopaths and demagogues are pathological liars. (As a side note,  I would love to see their pants actually catch fire). Why? The answer again is simple! They have to be and want to be. It is just part of their parasitic nature.

Learn more here about the natural but parasitic nature of narcissists.

Read more here on the tactics of toxic people and what to watch out for.

“Narcissists, bullies, psychopaths and demagogues are pathological liars. (As a side note,  I do wish their pants would catch fire). Why? The answer again is simple! They have to be and want to be. It is just a part of their natural and parasitic nature.”

Narcissists naturally and intentionally bomb us with lies and irrational beliefs to skew our perceptions of our own (male or female) and others’ personal power and worth. They frequently surround themselves with a posse of low-character “flying monkeys” who support them in the “lie bombing.” They target the primary beliefs that trigger our fears and shame related to our self-esteem, personal power, and safety.  In short, these are the primary beliefs that support our personal joy, health, power, and happiness. So they lie pathologically to create doubt, confusion, uncertainty, and chaos so they can manipulate us more effectively. They are emotional moochers. This tactic like the old bait and switch is as old as the hills, but nevertheless, is very effective.

Convincing you that you or others in need are weak, of less value, or are a danger, a threat, makes you seem less believable, weak, and unworthy and therefore less human. And ultimately by getting you to believe the lies, they can more easily get you to abandon your natural desire to care for, empathize and help yourself and others. They manipulate you to believe that you and the vulnerable are not worthy of your basic rights to life, liberty, and happiness because you are “moochers” who are stealing from those more worthy when they, in reality, are the “moochers.” Remember The Wizard of Oz, nothing but smoke and mirrors controlled by a wizard you were instructed not to pay attention to? Well, while anecdotal, it is based in reality.

“Narcissists bomb us with lies and irrational beliefs to skew our perceptions of our own (male or female) and others’ personal power and worth. The frequently surround themselves with a posse of low-character “flying monkeys” who support them in the “lie bombing.” They target the primary beliefs that trigger our fears and shame related to our our self-esteem, personal power, and safety.  In short, these are the primary beliefs that support our personal joy, health, power, and happiness.”

Read more here on how to distinguish people in legitimate need from the real moochers.

There is a vital lesson for us to all learn here!

We cannot ever take for granted what it takes to support order or forget the importance of the balance of power and integrity of character needed in key decision makers in government to ensure not only our personal health and happiness but also peace and harmony in our families, communities, states, and society. And we must never forget that acquiring these takes plain hard work and authentic personal power.

What Can We Do as a Person, a People, a Nation

Well, there is lots we can do and lots we shouldn’t do. At the top of the “do not” list is to hunker down in shame or fear. At the top of the “do” list is to take actions and resist so we can take our power back and maximize the positive impact of the truly good and emotionally healthy people with integrity of character, intellect, and compassion and to stop promoting the evil component of society. So now more than ever it is critical to be intelligent in our choices and to not not let our fears and lack of information and state of our emotional health drive them. We must be vigilant and informed in all our choices and especially in whom we choose to love, associate with, trust, and choose as our lawmakers, senators, the head of state! We can work on improving our own emotional health. As we heal, our children will heal through us. The onus is on the United States government and on us as citizens to ensure we can confidently answer this question as it applies to all personnel running for key elected decision-making roles in government and especially those at the highest levels of government:

“Are these candidates competent and emotionally fit for duty and running an honest campaign from the heart, with authentic loyalty, integrity and duty to the greater good or are they knowingly and intentionally lying and making false promises to their constituents and exploiting their fears to win in order to abuse the authority of the position to benefit themselves?”

How do we achieve this? First, we must heal  and educate ourselves on narcissismAs we heal, our children will heal through us. They will develop the empathy, self-worth, self-reliance, and emotional intelligence required to succeed in life, work, and relationships and maximize their power to themselves and to the world. I provide tons of healing information, tools and resources in this Blog, the Yourlifelifter website and Facebook page, and in my book Take Your Power Back: Healing Lessons, Tips and Tools for Abuse Survivors.

Read more here on how we can heal the world by healing ourselves.

Second, we must learn what authentic power really is and how it applies to all humans regardless of their sex, privilege, or appearance, the tactics emotional manipulators use to con our power from us to benefit them, and what makes us vulnerable to them.

Read more here on what personal power is and what it is not.

Third, we can stand up to and also stop voting diagnosed pathological narcissists into key political offices. We can be mindful and wise in our choices of those with the integrity of character and other qualities, skills, knowledge and abilities they have worked for and earned that support them being an effective world leader who are competent to make informed decisions based on what is best for others, the country, the world and not just themselves, profoundly weak people who cannot generate their own power and steal that of others.

Why Do Cheaters Cheat?

Educating ourselves about narcissism will allow us easier to recognize them and assess the state of our own emotional health that makes us vulnerable to their manipulation. In this way, we can expose and defuse them. The U. S. government can also start screening the mental and emotional health, along with the financial and character integrity of anyone who is hired into a critical political position no different than what all high risk industries are, by law or ethics, required to do.

This is how we collectively heal and take our power back as people and as a nation and get us back on track to allow us equally and unhindered to act freely on our divine rights we collectively work for, deserve, and pay for to pursue life, liberty, and happiness

Read more here on the tactics of toxic people and what to watch out for.