Yourlifelifter Launches New Website

Alexandra Ryan, Yourlifelifter

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Yourlifelifter, a web-based life-coaching and information center that supports emotional health and well-being is happy to announce the launch of its new website at https://yourlifelifter.wordpress.com to complement its growing Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/yourlifelifter.

Yourlifelifter is successfully helping tens of thousands of people from across the globe address life, career, self-esteem, and emotional health issues.

Included on the website is the Yourlifelifter Blog and a new and growing product line that includes life coaching and career coaching services, Sevenpoint2 and  Earth’s Living Clay nutritional health supplements, essential oils, and Melanie Tonia Evans’ Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program.

Evelyn Ryan, the Founder of Yourlifelifter, is the author of Take Your Power Back: Healing Lessons, Tips, and Tools for Abuse Survivors that is scheduled to be released for international distribution in Summer 2015.

Welcome to the Yourlifelifter Community!

Thank you for your continued support.

Together we heal! Together we thrive!

Tips for Dealing with the Shame of Betrayal

Evelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter

shameThe primary pain that we experience from abuse is shame. Abuse is betrayal of intimate trust. Abuse is abandonment. Unlike guilt, which is the result of feeling bad about what you do in the external world, shame reflects feelings of failure inside, as a person.

Shame is experienced as self-blame. You perceive yourself as flawed, inferior, contemptible, no good. Shame is a normal unconscious human emotion that helps us “put on the brakes” by taking cues from our external environment.

The problem is that you may have too much of it which is the case for victims of abuse.
Shame can become a normal feeling for victims of abuse. We also give up most of our personal power and abandon our own selves.

Shame is the part of you that you can’t face because it is so intolerable. In the words of John Bradshaw, “toxic shame” is an “emotion that gets internalized as a state of being.”

Toxic shame becomes part of a what I refer to as the “Shame Triad” of self-blame, self-loathing, and self-sabotaging behaviors.

Too much shame can make us targets of toxic manipulators and keep us powerless to them and trigger anger at inappropriate times.

Shame can keep us trauma addicted to our abusers.

Tips for Dealing with Shame

        1. Turn your compassion and tolerance towards yourself to accept yourself, warts and all, as a valuable person.
          • Forgive yourself first. Acknowledge your fallibility as a person and that you were a victim. This will help you release the self-blame and empower yourself to stop thinking falsely that you are weak, powerless, and defenseless.
          • Be consistent and fair with sharing your compassion and tolerance with yourself as well as with others.
          • Go first with your compassion! Learn to be tolerant of yourself first. Know when to quit, rest, say you’ve had enough, and to put yourself first. This is not selfish. This is self preservation and what emotionally healthy people do.
          • Respect your OWN personal boundaries and protect your vulnerabilities. Demonstrate kindness and acceptance to yourself. Do not violate your own personal wishes, body, trust, time, privacy, feelings, and property.
          • Do not let other people violate your personal boundaries. This includes learning how to not say yes when you mean no. It also includes not letting your boundaries down by sharing too much of your personal information with others too soon.
          • Do not violate other people’s boundaries.
          • Stop defending your feelings, preferences, trust, time and choices to 11193380_10153090646497819_7384925641187409522_nabusers. Abusers use this as an opportunity to abuse and exploit you more and expose you to more trauma and shame. If you must respond to their sneaky insults or criticisms, just say, “That’s interesting. Let me think about it.” Then ignore them and turn them into a non-issue.
          • Focus on gratitude for what you have. My mother told me if you have food, a roof over your head, your health and people who love you, you have everything. She was right.
          • Avoid black and white thinking that focuses only on “good” or “bad” outcomes for yourself. Look at your track record.
          • Refrain from complaining about what you disagree with or do not like in yourself. If you have nothing nice to say or think about yourself, don’t say or think it.
          • Welcome and view disagreements from trusted individuals or differences not as criticism but as motivations for you to learn more, for you to become a person of integrity.
          • Give yourself a break. Be careful to understand the difference between rejecting the “sin” and rejecting the “sinner.” Learn to say “who cares?” more.
          • Do not judge a book by its cover. Do not rush to judgment. Refrain from developing an opinion, before you get all the facts. If in doubt, ask a wise trusted friend.
          • Refrain from making yourself the brunt of jokes or laughter.
          • Do not always stand in the back of the line. Allow yourself to go first sometimes.
        2. Educate yourself on shame and its debilitating effects.
        3. Learn to identify the feeling of shame as it occurs in your daily life and write in a journal about situations and relationships that trigger shame.
          • Challenge your emotions. Ask yourself which ones result from lack of compassion and tolerance for yourself. Check the list above.
          • Work on these areas as trigger points of shame and do what you can to avoid them or minimize their harmful effects.
          • Get rid of toxic friends who habitually violate your trust.
        4. Take anger management classes. Shame triggers anger.
        5. Look at your track record from youth. Recall the people in your childhood who had something good to say about you…those who were kind to you. Teachers, clergy, neighbors, a surrogate parent or relative perhaps. What words did they use to describe your best qualities? How did you feel when you were around them? Revive these important people from your past by writing about them in a journal and exploring what their support meant to you, then and now.
        6. If you are religious or spiritual, turn to your Higher Power or Source to cleanse yourself of the shame and unworthiness that you feel so deeply. Religion and spiritual practice can be tremendous sources of inner sustenance and can provide an ideal vision to replace the negative role models and scenarios of the past.
        7. Get honest constructive unbiased feedback. Share your struggles with working this step on support blogs, meetings, a trusted wise friend, and Websites and Facebook pages like Yourlifelifter.
        8. Seek professional therapy if you are not progressing in your healing and recovery. You most likely are trauma addicted. Trauma bonding occurs when you rely on your abuser for your safety, happiness, or security. Here are a few examples:
            • You long for and miss your abusers.
            • You make excuses for them.
            • You replay painful interactions with your abusers over and over again trying to figure out what you did wrong.

In addition, in order to resolve shame addictions, an ongoing reparative relationship with a qualified therapist can help you challenge your internal voice of shame and replace it with a healthier dialogue. A skilled therapist can be an important ally in helping you to transform the shame into self-acceptance.

Talk about your shame with him/her and share how you experienced shame in your childhood and in your life including in your therapy sessions. With your therapist’s help, identify the ways in which you keep yourself from feeling your shame by adopting a role or “false self” that you portray to others based on what you think it acceptable to them rather than yourself. Share this “false self” with your therapist and try to understand what the role gives you that you feel you lack inside. This can help home in on the shame triggers that you can work to acknowledge, challenge, and release and replace with new rational beliefs and emotions that support your emotional health and well being.

How Do We Remove Toxic People from Our Lives?

Evelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter

11248949_10152916566146439_9136272755930132611_o

You know who they are.

The ones you do not look forward to seeing.

The ones who demand EVERYONE’s attention…always.

The ones YOU must accommodate or you will “hear” about it.

The ones who sit quietly in meetings. That is until the end and repeat what you or someone else said or disagree with it with panache just to make you look bad.

The ones who can suck the air out of a room.

They are everywhere – work, church, your neighborhood, your family, your home.

romans-2How do we remove them from our lives?

Well, the answer is pretty simple.

TAKE ACTION!

DO NOT RE-ACT!

We can’t change them but we can very easily take actions to minimize their deleterious effects on us.

This is how.

th-1It is called the Time – Distance –  Shielding (TDS) rule and it is used to control hazards in industries world-wide. It works just as effectively with people.

This is how the TDS rule works.

  1. Minimize your time with them.
  2. Maximize the distance between you and them.
  3. And put a shield between you and them.

These three objectives can be accomplished in many ways that will allow you to act on your free will and protect your personal rights and minimize their toxic effects!

The more toxic they are, however, the more drastic the actions you should take.

Let’s explore these options for removing toxic people.

LEARN TO SAY “NO”

You may be able to mitigate most of the impacts from toxic people by just learning to say “no” assertively, calmly, and non-aggressively. This may be difficult for some and especially “people pleasers,” so self-esteem work and assertiveness skills can help immensely in learning not to say “yes” when you really mean “no” while maintaining your cool and composure.  Simply saying “no” will also benefit you by making you feel more empowered and in control of your life and by plain just limiting the amount of time you interact with them.

LEARN ALL YOU CAN ABOUT COVERT AGGRESSORS AND THEIR TACTICS

Toxic people have covert aggressive personalities and prey on empathetic, kind, conscientious people who they believe they can successfully attack and defeat. Why? Well, they lack empathy and personal power and so they have learned to covertly but aggressively go after other people’s power, attention, money or whatever. They want all the benefits that you have to offer without doing any of the work. They also use you to help maintain an illusion of grandeur and makes others perceive them as powerful when in fact, like the Wizard of Oz, they are a mere illusion of smoke and mirrors that a scruffy dog exposed.  They are masterful at triggering your vulnerabilities (e.g. pains, fears, insecurities, apprehensions, compassion, conscientiousness), putting you on the defensive, and making you let down your boundaries and then wham! They have got you where they want you. They then go in for the kill and manipulate your power from you.

Learning all you can about covert aggressors and their lack of compassion and depraved need to win along with assertiveness skills and doing self-esteem work can help you make huge strides to stand up to these creeps, manage boundaries, and shield yourself in a cool, calm and collected manner. Your sense of defenselessness and powerlessness will diminish and your self-worth, self-respect, and self-assurance will soar!

NEVER LET THEM SEE YOU SWEAT

Reacting emotionally to toxic people advertises your vulnerabilities to them and then they more actively and aggressively pursue you. So even if they have pushed your buttons, divert from the situation to allow yourself time to calm down and think. Just say you are busy and need some time to think about it or say something neutral like “That’s interesting. I never heard it put that way before,” and then say no or remove yourself from the situation. When in doubt say nothing.

PUT UP AND MAINTAIN PROTECTIVE BOUNDARIES

th-1Toxic people are notorious boundary violators and are masters of covert manipulation to get you to let down your personal boundaries. So putting real or imagined space between you and them may be the most readily available shielding. Shutting the door to your office or listening to music can serve as barriers to their “noise.” Imagining a protective light forcefield around your body can also be a very effective defense to ward off their offensive maneuvers. Delete their messages or texts without reading them and, if you find this difficult, block them on Facebook and on your cell phone to facilitate having “no contact” with them to allow your wounds to heal fully without have your pain-buttons triggered.

Read more here on how managing boundaries is critical to emotional health.

KEEP A COOL HEAD – LEARN TO MANAGE YOUR EMOTIONS

Even if they are sabotaging you behind your back or perhaps even actively bullying, keeping a cool head and addressing the “facts” are fundamental in keeping the emotional element out of the equation. It is so easy for them to focus on your emotional state or your defensiveness to divert from the real issue which is their unacceptable behavior and harmful motives and point the problem to you. Vilifying the victim is a common combat tactic they use to trigger your emotions, put you on the defensive, get you to react and let your boundaries down, and feed their insatiable need to win. Not reacting will keep the attention on their depraved action, not on your reactions that they use to support their illusion of lies. This is how you can maintain and defend your personal power and defuse them all the same time.

Remember. Learning assertiveness skills and doing self-esteem work can help you make huge strides to stand up to these creeps, manage boundaries, and shield yourself in a cool, calm and collected manner and diminish your sense of defenselessness and powerlessness. Your self-worth, self-respect, and self-assurance will soar!

REGISTER FOR FREE SELF-ESTEEM BUILDING TIPS HERE!

CUT TIES WITH THEM

In your personal life, it may just be best to cut ties with the toxic individual. Everyone has redeeming qualities however toxicity is not one of them. They are energy vampires and accepting them for who they are can help release your empathetic need to rescue them. They need to go after others’ energy because they cannot generate their own. Accept also that you do not have to give up your energy to anyone unless you choose to. These are your personal rights and authority that you should always honor. Normally, when you learn to say no and put yourself first, they move on anyway. If you feel compelled to say anything, simply tell them the truth that you are at a different stage in your life and that your paths are no longer crossing and these are causing a conflict. Then wish them well.

Cutting ties with toxic people. shark

Cutting ties does not mean we no longer care for our friends or relatives. We cannot and should not turn off our feelings like a faucet. It does mean, however, that we have chosen to take a stand and put our self-worth, welfare, emotional health, and honor ahead of others who do not and cannot have our best interests at heart. Self-esteem work and assertiveness training can provide you the peace of mind and skills to easily manage the boundaries between them and you and identify when they are using you at your expense for their benefit and empower you to no longer allow it.

HOW DO SUCCESSFUL PEOPLE MANAGE THEIR EMOTIONS WHEN DEALING WITH TOXIC PEOPLE

Dr. Travis Bradberry in his article, “How Do Successful People Handle Toxic People” provides 12 very coping strategies for managing emotions when dealing with toxic people. He reports that 90% of top performers use these skills to manage stress and keep toxic people at bay by controlling what they can and eliminate what you can’t. The important thing he reminds us all is that we are in control of far more than we realize.

Take your power back, act on your free will, protect your personal rights, and learn how to say no!

I hope you find these tips useful!

Are You Struggling with Figuring Out What You Really Want?

Evelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter

Reposted from April 2014. Excerpted from I Could Do Anything If I Only Knew What It Was by Barbara Sher as modified by Evelyn Ryan.

                              To love a life that is exciting and fulfilling, you can’t do what’s “right,”                                                   you have to do what’s right for you. ~ Barbara Sher

th-33Are you personally struggling with figuring out what it is you really want? Are you “stuck in the muck?”

I am.

I have no emergencies in my life to address and no “fires” to put out.

My only daughter and child will be graduating soon and will be off to college.

Everything in my life has changed unexpectedly and I do not know what to with myself now.

Can you relate?

If you can, how do we get “unstuck from the muck” and deal with this dilemma?

Don’t panic.

You are fine, I am fine. We are fine. The answers are inside us.

th-32They are just blocked and we need to unblock them.

Simple. So do not judge yourself and accept that you DO have the answers. Do not let this blur your vision and make you bitter or sad.

This is NOT A TEST that we pass or fail. You, we just have to be curious and search for the answers with positivity, humility, patience and kindness for ourselves…as we would guide a child. We need to identify the inner conflicts, that inner voice, those invisible limiting beliefs that prevent us from making a change and pursuing what we really love.

Do not let inner conflicts or fears cloud your judgment and lead to despair. Do not “what if” yourself to death or catastrophize which can scare you to death or lead to depression.

So what could be blocking us from creating a clear vision?

Is it fear such as fear of lost income, fear of success, fear of failure, fear of change, fear of being trapped, fear of uncertainty?

Do you feel you’ve done it all or are too young or too old to pursue that goal? Is that goal too big for you?

Or perhaps your life has changed, like mine and you don’t have the first idea how to redesign your life? Or perhaps this is the first time you have had to focus on yourself?

th-31Well, I am personally struggling with creating direction and goals. Everything is going pretty well in my life and I do not really NEED anything. I am also pretty well adjusted and don’t need any internal “fixing.” My challenge is that everything in my life has changed and I have to start a new one at 56 years old!

So the real question we seek to answer is this…

What would our life be and look and feel like if we had no obstacles?

So as I seek the answers, I shall continue to share the lessons I learn with you.

And together, let us find the answers that work best for us individually and help us on a path to figure out what we love and pursue our goals, achieve inner peace and contentment and be the best that we can be.

“The universe is not going to see someone like you again in the entire history of creation.” Vartan Gregorian

Yourlifelifter is Now Offering Life Coaching and Career Coaching

Emotionally fatigued? Scared? Stuck in your job or career?

Need direction?

Has therapy not worked for you?

Get PERSONALIZED coaching from Certified Professional Life Coach, Career Coach, and Abuse (including narcissistic abuse) Recovery Expert, Evelyn Ryan.

Evelyn tailors coaching to YOUR individual needs and goals!

Life Coaching packages include:

1. FREE self assessment.
2. FREE half hour session with Evelyn to review results.
3. Unlimited emails.
4. Compassionate accountability to healing goals from someone who has been where you are and who has successfully healed.
5. Unique recovery approach with a 20 year success in addressing hidden traumas.
6. Flexible packages and schedules to meet your needs
7. Worldwide correspondence how you choose by telephone and/or Skype.

For more information on life coaching packages and to request self assessment questionnaire, click here.

For more information on career coaching packages, click here.

Understanding Why Narcissists Targeted You is Fundamental to Healing

Evelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter

1098228_1187695837924727_3159249499669189930_nAre you compassionate? Empathetic?

Well, if you are, you are one of 40% of the population who are a prime target for scapegoaters, bullies, narcissists, con-artists, and sociopaths who comprise a subset of the remaining 60% of the population. So being a “nice” person is your double-edged sword and most likely why you are reading this.

According to Dr. Jane McGregor, empaths are ordinary people who are highly perceptiveimgres-6 and insightful and belong to the 40% of human beings who sense when something’s not right, who respond to their gut instinct, and who take action and speak up. They frequently like the child in the The Emperor’s New Clothes, will tell the truth and expose lies and wrong doing and are targets of scapegoaters, bullies, narcissists, and sociopaths who are driven by exaggerated envy and fear of shame, lack of compassion, and the inability to self sooth.

LISTEN TO THIS PROVOCATIVE DISCUSSION ON “THE TOXIC TANGO OF EMPATHS AND NARCISSISTS.”

In the 1990s, researchers suggested that there was a positive relationship between empathy and emotional intelligence. Since then, that term has been used interchangeably with emotional literacy. What this means in practice is that empaths have the ability to understand their own emotions, to listen to other people and empathize with their emotions, to express emotions productively and to handle their emotions in such a way as to improve their personal power.

Dr. McGregor describes that people are often attracted to empaths because of their compassionate nature. A particular attribute is that they are sensitive to the emotional distress of others. Conversely, they have trouble comprehending a closed mind and lack of compassion in others. This is a limitation that empathetic “nice” people have and that you need to bring into your level of awareness and glue into your memory banks.

imgres-2This inability to see the “bad” in others also significantly enhances their vulnerability to attacks from emotional vampires throughout their lives. As a result, empaths can be targeted easily by energy vampires such as scapegoaters, bullies, narcissists, and sociopaths who enlist other uncompassionate and apathetic people in their wrong-doing. So in actuality, abused children and adults in the world are some of the “nicest” people in the world. This is crazy making, folks, and is the heart of scapegoating and abuse in families and in my opinion, one of the main causes of evil in society today. The number one reason people seek counseling is because they were scapegoated as a child and suffer post traumatic distress. This is psychological trauma! Read on.

Empaths use their ability to boost their and others’ well being and safety. Dr. McGregor found it interesting how often people see empaths in problematical terms. Dr. McGregor in her research found that most people, the 60% majority, prefer the easy life. She explains that some of us admire people who make a bold stand, while others feel uneasy about them.

Listen to and learn more on this compelling and provocative topic discussed with Evelyn Ryan on Mental Health News Radio here.

images-3Problems escalate for empaths, however, when apaths are in the vicinity. Empaths can be brought down, distressed and forced into the position of the lone fighter by the inaction of more apathetic types round them. This is also how school and work group bullying and scapegoating works. The bullies enlist the apathetic, fearful, and defenseless ones who are the ones most likely to go with the flow, to agree that the emperor/empress is wearing new clothes. Apaths behave defenselessly because they want to avoid unpleasant or harmful circumstances [including the bully turning on them]. Apathy is an avoidance strategy that contributes to abuse…by proxy!

Listen and learn more on “The Toxic Tango of Empaths and Narcissists.

images-2Kim Saeed, a narcissistic abuse recovery expert, says that narcissists prey on empaths and highly sensitive people. Empaths operate predominately from love, humility, and giving. They have a natural capacity for healing and teaching others. However, until they learn how to responsibly use those gifts, they are often taken advantage of…not only by romantic partners, but people in general. Further, empaths have a track record of developing codependent behaviors in childhood to deal with the overwhelming unfairness in the world and to please others, which they usually carry into their adult relationships. It is easy to see, then, how empaths who were abused as children can develop exaggerated codependency issues and dependence on others to define their worth.

Kim further explains that when the empath and narcissist enter into a relationship together, it becomes hyper toxic. It creates a magnetic, yet vibrationally dysfunctional union. The empath’s sole purpose is to facilitate healing in others. Narcissists are insatiable and incurable. The empath gives to the point of complete and utter exhaustion. Because of these natural tendencies, the unaware empath often finds themselves not only being targeted by a narcissist but staying in a relationship with a toxic personality for too long and the damage to them is compounded.

So, all you empathetic and empathic people who suffered and are recovering from abuse as a child, childhood bullying, adult bullying and went on to marry a narcissist or more than one narcissist, bring this into your level of awareness during your healing. Educate yourself, your children and others on their inability to see the “bad” in others, the wolves in sheep’s clothing. This significantly increases your vulnerability to 60% of people, who not only comprise narcissists, bullies, and psychopaths but also the weak ones who join these abusers or harm you further by doing nothing (inaction) because they lack the heart or courage (that you have) to just do the right thing.

I hope you find this useful in your recovery and search for truth!